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I am perfectly fine being a fucking weirdo. I have been a fucking weirdo my entire life. When I went out places (or stayed in places), I was the person people looked at, pointed at, and said, "Look-- a fucking weirdo!" These people (for the most part) are what I liked to call: "boring." The same people, years later, might be a lot more
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I agree with everything you said, including the point you make about individuality being either an illusion or something you just are. To an extent, people are hopelessly similar. The base feelings, I think, that people experience are going to form a kind of "common experience," which is good, since it means we are capable of understanding each other and communicating with each other.
Lately I've just felt terrifyingly alone, as though the things I thought I knew can really fall away at the drop of a hat, and not just mundane things, but things I liked about my life-- spectacular things. People and ideas. It's sad to recognize in people you know a desire for you to be more like everyone else, or a desire for them to be more like everyone else.
A lot of it is this sense of stagnation, or apathy, that you bring up. Perhaps the mundane wouldn't be so frightening if it didn't seem to necessitate this air of uncaring. People go so far that they hold it up as an ideal, but the idea of apathy towards everything around oneself just makes me want to not be around those people. If you actually -choose- not to feel anything because it's easier/takes less effort, then I don't know if I want to know you. Would there be any point? When I meet someone who doesn't provoke any kind of thought or feeling in me I don't spend time with them, because it feels both like deadening myself and wasting their time. Maybe the rest of the time, and with other people, they don't have that sense about them-- maybe they do think/feel more intensely about things, so then it's an issue of both of us just not meshing, I guess.
This has kind of diverged into unrelated matters though.
Mostly I'm just so frustrated with being compared to a "norm." Norms are boring-- they're also what creates bias and racism and all sorts of nasty things. Norms and apathy.
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