Words of Advice
Dear Friend(s),
It has come to my attention that you should never leave your home without your cell phone, wallet, and/or key on you... especially if you have a self-locking front door and you only meant to bring out the trash like the superb roommate you are. If you do leave without these things and the door happens to slam behind you, as it will in windy places like Wellington, NZ, then you ought to atleast be wearing your watch so you know how much time you have to kill before your roommate walks home from work. If you somehow are not wearing a watch and left your wallet, cell phone, and keys in your purse, and left your purse inside your house, and left your house- well, exactly where it usually sits, only locked- then you'll need a backup plan. I suggest starting with the back door. Probably it's locked, but you have time to check it out anyways. Then, the windows. Are any open? Are any on the first floor? Maybe you happened to take a shower this morning and cracked a window open to let out the steam, but jerry-rigged the window so it wouldn't blow open in the wind thus making it harder to open from outside. If this is the case, which it probably is the case, find a strong-ish stick or jungle vine (preferably dry and free of poisonous wood-loving spiders) from your backyard and poke the latch (and keep poking) so the window will open. Then kindly take off your shoes and climb in so as not to leave marks on the wall or window sill because, once again, you should win a gold medal in a competition for most courteous, clean, but still fun-loving, roommate.
If a man comes upstairs to the womenswear department to ask you where the bathroom is, he probably has already asked someone downstairs in the menswear department and he either forgot the directions (doubtful) or he was not told where the bathroom was. In the case that he was denied knowledge of the bathroom's whereabouts, he is most likely drunk. Let's say, for a moment, that you do not perceive of said bathroom hunter's drunkenness (due in part to your lack of caring as the store is open late and you've had no customers since 8pm and now it's 9:20 and you are just happy to have a purpose). Despite your ignorance, do not tell the man where the bathroom is located. It seems to me that any man who is in a retail store at 9:20pm when the store generally closes at 5:30pm should have another place where he usually pees at that time of the night. Still, if he magically gets the answer out of you and ends up in the bathroom, and, for the purpose of this scenario, strips naked and defecates all over himself while stumbling into walls and breaking them, smearing poop everywhere, you should probably allow the police and the poor loss prevention team to handle the situation while you close your register and get the hell out of there. However, you should try to remember the man's face so that you recognize him when he walks into the store the next day and asks you where the menswear is located. LP will probably want to talk to him and they'll wonder why you don't remember your one and only customer in the last two hours of your shift. Don't worry, someone else will recognize him even if you don't and he'll probably apologize for the poop, but deny the hole in the wall.
More words of advice later.
It has come to my attention that you should never leave your home without your cell phone, wallet, and/or key on you... especially if you have a self-locking front door and you only meant to bring out the trash like the superb roommate you are. If you do leave without these things and the door happens to slam behind you, as it will in windy places like Wellington, NZ, then you ought to atleast be wearing your watch so you know how much time you have to kill before your roommate walks home from work. If you somehow are not wearing a watch and left your wallet, cell phone, and keys in your purse, and left your purse inside your house, and left your house- well, exactly where it usually sits, only locked- then you'll need a backup plan. I suggest starting with the back door. Probably it's locked, but you have time to check it out anyways. Then, the windows. Are any open? Are any on the first floor? Maybe you happened to take a shower this morning and cracked a window open to let out the steam, but jerry-rigged the window so it wouldn't blow open in the wind thus making it harder to open from outside. If this is the case, which it probably is the case, find a strong-ish stick or jungle vine (preferably dry and free of poisonous wood-loving spiders) from your backyard and poke the latch (and keep poking) so the window will open. Then kindly take off your shoes and climb in so as not to leave marks on the wall or window sill because, once again, you should win a gold medal in a competition for most courteous, clean, but still fun-loving, roommate.
If a man comes upstairs to the womenswear department to ask you where the bathroom is, he probably has already asked someone downstairs in the menswear department and he either forgot the directions (doubtful) or he was not told where the bathroom was. In the case that he was denied knowledge of the bathroom's whereabouts, he is most likely drunk. Let's say, for a moment, that you do not perceive of said bathroom hunter's drunkenness (due in part to your lack of caring as the store is open late and you've had no customers since 8pm and now it's 9:20 and you are just happy to have a purpose). Despite your ignorance, do not tell the man where the bathroom is located. It seems to me that any man who is in a retail store at 9:20pm when the store generally closes at 5:30pm should have another place where he usually pees at that time of the night. Still, if he magically gets the answer out of you and ends up in the bathroom, and, for the purpose of this scenario, strips naked and defecates all over himself while stumbling into walls and breaking them, smearing poop everywhere, you should probably allow the police and the poor loss prevention team to handle the situation while you close your register and get the hell out of there. However, you should try to remember the man's face so that you recognize him when he walks into the store the next day and asks you where the menswear is located. LP will probably want to talk to him and they'll wonder why you don't remember your one and only customer in the last two hours of your shift. Don't worry, someone else will recognize him even if you don't and he'll probably apologize for the poop, but deny the hole in the wall.
More words of advice later.