FIC: Broken Hallelujah (5/11)
Chapter 5
Castiel: "They feel I have begun to express emotions - doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."
Castiel's soft and sorrowful "goodbye" echoed in Anna's ears for days. She was touched and grateful that he had searched for and found her, but at the same time, hearing his voice and feeling his presence for those few moments had made her isolation seem all the more unbearable.
She had lost track of how many times she paced around the small room. She was so used to being active and feeling vital in her garrison that her confinement between these four walls was excruciating. She wished that she could request to be hidden away somewhere larger and less toxic, but she knew that Raguel was taking a dangerous enough risk as it was.
There was no way around this. For however long her pregnancy lasted, she must remain here alone and cut off from every other living thing.
If only she could know for certain how long it would be.
Memories of peaceful days and fighting side-by-side with her closest companions were what sustained her. Thoughts of Castiel only seemed to bring her more pain, but she allowed memories of their time together to enter her mind every once in a while just to keep them alive. But even as she clung to her past, she never once wondered if she could return to her old life. She knew it would be impossible. She could feel herself changing, growing more hardened and cynical with each hour she passed in this place. Still, remembering her days of faith and devotion brought a sad smile to her face. How little she had known, and how she wished to forget what she knew now.
Raguel stopped by to check on her almost every day, but his duties required that he not stay long in order to avoid suspicion. Anna often felt that these brief visits when she heard a voice other than her own and saw another's face were all that prevented her from going mad.
Even so, time passed as it always does. Anna's internal clock still ran on Earth time, but she soon lost track of how many weeks had passed. The energy inside her continued to grow until it filled every part of her. She could no longer imagine being without it, but she knew that one day she must.
And then, much sooner than she had expected, that day came.
It began as a burning sensation deep down inside her, slowly spreading from her core out to her extremities as the day passed. She was used to strange sensations by now, but this was different. Before long, it was escalating to the point of pain.
She didn't know what to do. She could not summon Raguel internally without the risk of being discovered, and no one would hear her even if she shouted loud enough to shake the foundations of the prison. She was alone.
"Father, please," she whispered as the pain grew too intense for her to handle. Prayer had been the last thing on her mind throughout the past months, but it seemed like second nature to her now. She sank to her knees and looked up at the ceiling as though searching for answers. "Please!"
The child's energy pulsated in every particle of her being, burning as bright as a star and just as volatile. If there had been dark corners in the prison before, there could be no trace of them now - the brilliant light so filled Anna's cell that it burst through any crevice and crack it could find, expanding them and flooding out into the corridor just to have somewhere to go.
Anna screamed in agony and fear. The child's presence had been such a comfort to her since her exile began, but now she was afraid. Something felt wrong. What if it were full of evil? What if it really were the key to something dark and terrible? What if giving birth to this creature killed her, and no one was around to capture it and keep it from doing harm?
"Castiel!" she cried as the energy began to surge as though ready to erupt. She had no right to call on him after sending him away, and there was very little chance that he would even hear her, but she couldn't stop the word from escaping in her panic and pain. "CASTIEL!"
The explosion almost came as a relief. The foreign energy rent itself out of her with a force that seemed to shake the entire prison. It filled the room with a light so blinding that it might as well have been pitch-blackness. Anna could see nothing, and her other senses were in shock.
She tried to pull herself back together to focus on what was happening around her, but she could feel herself slipping away. The energy seemed to bounce from one wall to another, seeking a way of escape but finding none. Anna cried out to it with what little strength she had left, but it didn't seem to hear her. She could tell that it was frantic and afraid, just as she was.
Even though she longed to comfort it and discover its true identity and intentions, she felt herself sinking back onto the ground as the energy buzzed chaotically around her. The pain she had felt was turning into numbness, and all of the energy she had managed to retain was now spent.
As she closed her eyes to the world around her, she wondered if this were how it felt to die.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Castiel was in the middle of his Praise shift when he felt it. He could not have defined the sensation, but somehow he knew what it was, beyond a shadow of a doubt. He knew that Anna was calling him.
The only thing he did not know was what he could do about it.
Months had passed, and he still felt eyes trained on him at all times. He had not had a moment's peace, but he had stayed on his guard and had not allowed them to find any fault in him. If he attempted to make contact with Anna in any way now, it would all have been for nothing.
But then, there was Raguel.
Anna had said that he was helping her, protecting her and the child from being caught and killed. He wasn't sure that Raguel's intentions could be trusted, but he had to believe that if he had kept Anna's secret for this long, he would keep Castiel's as well. And if Anna were really in trouble, Raguel should know. He was the only one who could move freely between Earth and Heaven without suspicion, and therefore the only one who could hurry to her aid.
He looked around the praise room, feeling certain that he had seen Raguel enter a short time earlier. He saw him kneeling at the back of the room, deep in praise and meditation and seemingly oblivious to everything around him.
Castiel knew that this wasn't so. Raguel was never unaware of anything.
He slipped quietly to the back of the room, passing close by Raguel so that he would hear when Castiel whispered, "We need to talk." He passed through the doors without looking back, knowing that Raguel would follow close behind.
"What is it, Castiel?" Raguel said, appearing behind him seconds later. He seemed annoyed by the interruption.
"Anna," Castiel said. He knew nothing more needed to be said to gain Raguel's attention.
"What of her?" Raguel said in feigned indifference.
Castiel took a deep breath. No turning back now. "A few months ago, when I was sent to Heaven to deliver a message to the Generals... I saw her."
Raguel's wings ruffled as if he were surprised, though his face showed no sign. "You saw her?"
Castiel nodded and glanced around to make sure they were fully alone. "The prison," he said quietly.
"I see," Raguel said, finally dropping his pretense of ignorance on the subject. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because I can feel that something is wrong. She told me that you were protecting her. Please..." Castiel paused as he willed the faint traces of emotion to dissipate. "Please... help her."
Raguel raised his chin and looked down on Castiel in sudden understanding. "You are her partner."
Castiel averted his eyes from Raguel's judgmental gaze. He left the question unanswered, knowing that there would be no use in denying it.
"It's alright, Castiel," Raguel said almost gently. "I know that it was not your fault. You had no way of preventing what occurred. Lucifer's followers are many, and they walk among us freely even here and now. They are the ones who have done this thing, and they are the ones who will pay."
Castiel felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders upon hearing these words from his superior's mouth. He was truly not to blame. He had not sinned. It had all been beyond his control.
"You will help her?" he said.
Raguel nodded and laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "I will waste no more time," he said. "Thank you, Castiel. Return to your praise. I will keep you informed."
And then he was gone.
Castiel felt blissfully free of guilt and pain as he resumed his place in the praise room. He could still sense deep down that Anna was in trouble, but he no longer felt as though she were alone. This gave him great comfort, and made him feel much less helpless towards her situation.
When his Praise shift ended and he began to prepare for his daily duties, however, the feeling of something being gravely wrong began to grow. He wished that he had heard from Raguel, but he knew that he must be patient and wait for him to finish dealing with whatever problem had arisen. He wondered if Anna had been discovered, or if the child had been born, or if something unforeseen had happened to harm her. He would have given anything just to know.
"You seem distracted, Castiel," Zachariah said as he cornered him before he had a chance to depart for his station. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, everything is fine."
"Really?" Zachariah eyed him suspiciously. "Because I saw you having a private word with Raguel earlier in the middle of Praise. That usually means that something is very wrong."
Castiel shook his head in nonchalance. "We were only discussing today's orders," he said, hoping that Zachariah would believe his lie without his usual barrage of prying questions. "He was summoned to Heaven on urgent business and needed me to oversee some of his duties until he returned."
For a moment, it seemed as though Zachariah were going to pursue the matter further, but then he smiled and patted Castiel on the back. "Rising in the ranks quickly, eh, Castiel?" he said with a chuckle. "Congratulations. Although, I still expect you to fulfill all of your own duties on time and to the best of your ability."
Castiel smiled in relief. "Of course," he said. "I will not let you down."
Zachariah smiled again before flying off to begin his work.
Castiel sighed and vowed not to let his worries distract him again. Zachariah was a good leader, but an inquisitive one. One slip today, and he might discover the true nature of Raguel's "business."
Even so, Castiel kept one eye on the sky, watching for any sign of Raguel's return.
A return that did not come.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 6
Castiel: "They feel I have begun to express emotions - doorways to doubt. This can impair my judgment."
Castiel's soft and sorrowful "goodbye" echoed in Anna's ears for days. She was touched and grateful that he had searched for and found her, but at the same time, hearing his voice and feeling his presence for those few moments had made her isolation seem all the more unbearable.
She had lost track of how many times she paced around the small room. She was so used to being active and feeling vital in her garrison that her confinement between these four walls was excruciating. She wished that she could request to be hidden away somewhere larger and less toxic, but she knew that Raguel was taking a dangerous enough risk as it was.
There was no way around this. For however long her pregnancy lasted, she must remain here alone and cut off from every other living thing.
If only she could know for certain how long it would be.
Memories of peaceful days and fighting side-by-side with her closest companions were what sustained her. Thoughts of Castiel only seemed to bring her more pain, but she allowed memories of their time together to enter her mind every once in a while just to keep them alive. But even as she clung to her past, she never once wondered if she could return to her old life. She knew it would be impossible. She could feel herself changing, growing more hardened and cynical with each hour she passed in this place. Still, remembering her days of faith and devotion brought a sad smile to her face. How little she had known, and how she wished to forget what she knew now.
Raguel stopped by to check on her almost every day, but his duties required that he not stay long in order to avoid suspicion. Anna often felt that these brief visits when she heard a voice other than her own and saw another's face were all that prevented her from going mad.
Even so, time passed as it always does. Anna's internal clock still ran on Earth time, but she soon lost track of how many weeks had passed. The energy inside her continued to grow until it filled every part of her. She could no longer imagine being without it, but she knew that one day she must.
And then, much sooner than she had expected, that day came.
It began as a burning sensation deep down inside her, slowly spreading from her core out to her extremities as the day passed. She was used to strange sensations by now, but this was different. Before long, it was escalating to the point of pain.
She didn't know what to do. She could not summon Raguel internally without the risk of being discovered, and no one would hear her even if she shouted loud enough to shake the foundations of the prison. She was alone.
"Father, please," she whispered as the pain grew too intense for her to handle. Prayer had been the last thing on her mind throughout the past months, but it seemed like second nature to her now. She sank to her knees and looked up at the ceiling as though searching for answers. "Please!"
The child's energy pulsated in every particle of her being, burning as bright as a star and just as volatile. If there had been dark corners in the prison before, there could be no trace of them now - the brilliant light so filled Anna's cell that it burst through any crevice and crack it could find, expanding them and flooding out into the corridor just to have somewhere to go.
Anna screamed in agony and fear. The child's presence had been such a comfort to her since her exile began, but now she was afraid. Something felt wrong. What if it were full of evil? What if it really were the key to something dark and terrible? What if giving birth to this creature killed her, and no one was around to capture it and keep it from doing harm?
"Castiel!" she cried as the energy began to surge as though ready to erupt. She had no right to call on him after sending him away, and there was very little chance that he would even hear her, but she couldn't stop the word from escaping in her panic and pain. "CASTIEL!"
The explosion almost came as a relief. The foreign energy rent itself out of her with a force that seemed to shake the entire prison. It filled the room with a light so blinding that it might as well have been pitch-blackness. Anna could see nothing, and her other senses were in shock.
She tried to pull herself back together to focus on what was happening around her, but she could feel herself slipping away. The energy seemed to bounce from one wall to another, seeking a way of escape but finding none. Anna cried out to it with what little strength she had left, but it didn't seem to hear her. She could tell that it was frantic and afraid, just as she was.
Even though she longed to comfort it and discover its true identity and intentions, she felt herself sinking back onto the ground as the energy buzzed chaotically around her. The pain she had felt was turning into numbness, and all of the energy she had managed to retain was now spent.
As she closed her eyes to the world around her, she wondered if this were how it felt to die.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Castiel was in the middle of his Praise shift when he felt it. He could not have defined the sensation, but somehow he knew what it was, beyond a shadow of a doubt. He knew that Anna was calling him.
The only thing he did not know was what he could do about it.
Months had passed, and he still felt eyes trained on him at all times. He had not had a moment's peace, but he had stayed on his guard and had not allowed them to find any fault in him. If he attempted to make contact with Anna in any way now, it would all have been for nothing.
But then, there was Raguel.
Anna had said that he was helping her, protecting her and the child from being caught and killed. He wasn't sure that Raguel's intentions could be trusted, but he had to believe that if he had kept Anna's secret for this long, he would keep Castiel's as well. And if Anna were really in trouble, Raguel should know. He was the only one who could move freely between Earth and Heaven without suspicion, and therefore the only one who could hurry to her aid.
He looked around the praise room, feeling certain that he had seen Raguel enter a short time earlier. He saw him kneeling at the back of the room, deep in praise and meditation and seemingly oblivious to everything around him.
Castiel knew that this wasn't so. Raguel was never unaware of anything.
He slipped quietly to the back of the room, passing close by Raguel so that he would hear when Castiel whispered, "We need to talk." He passed through the doors without looking back, knowing that Raguel would follow close behind.
"What is it, Castiel?" Raguel said, appearing behind him seconds later. He seemed annoyed by the interruption.
"Anna," Castiel said. He knew nothing more needed to be said to gain Raguel's attention.
"What of her?" Raguel said in feigned indifference.
Castiel took a deep breath. No turning back now. "A few months ago, when I was sent to Heaven to deliver a message to the Generals... I saw her."
Raguel's wings ruffled as if he were surprised, though his face showed no sign. "You saw her?"
Castiel nodded and glanced around to make sure they were fully alone. "The prison," he said quietly.
"I see," Raguel said, finally dropping his pretense of ignorance on the subject. "Why are you telling me this now?"
"Because I can feel that something is wrong. She told me that you were protecting her. Please..." Castiel paused as he willed the faint traces of emotion to dissipate. "Please... help her."
Raguel raised his chin and looked down on Castiel in sudden understanding. "You are her partner."
Castiel averted his eyes from Raguel's judgmental gaze. He left the question unanswered, knowing that there would be no use in denying it.
"It's alright, Castiel," Raguel said almost gently. "I know that it was not your fault. You had no way of preventing what occurred. Lucifer's followers are many, and they walk among us freely even here and now. They are the ones who have done this thing, and they are the ones who will pay."
Castiel felt as though a weight had been lifted from his shoulders upon hearing these words from his superior's mouth. He was truly not to blame. He had not sinned. It had all been beyond his control.
"You will help her?" he said.
Raguel nodded and laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder. "I will waste no more time," he said. "Thank you, Castiel. Return to your praise. I will keep you informed."
And then he was gone.
Castiel felt blissfully free of guilt and pain as he resumed his place in the praise room. He could still sense deep down that Anna was in trouble, but he no longer felt as though she were alone. This gave him great comfort, and made him feel much less helpless towards her situation.
When his Praise shift ended and he began to prepare for his daily duties, however, the feeling of something being gravely wrong began to grow. He wished that he had heard from Raguel, but he knew that he must be patient and wait for him to finish dealing with whatever problem had arisen. He wondered if Anna had been discovered, or if the child had been born, or if something unforeseen had happened to harm her. He would have given anything just to know.
"You seem distracted, Castiel," Zachariah said as he cornered him before he had a chance to depart for his station. "Is everything alright?"
"Yes, everything is fine."
"Really?" Zachariah eyed him suspiciously. "Because I saw you having a private word with Raguel earlier in the middle of Praise. That usually means that something is very wrong."
Castiel shook his head in nonchalance. "We were only discussing today's orders," he said, hoping that Zachariah would believe his lie without his usual barrage of prying questions. "He was summoned to Heaven on urgent business and needed me to oversee some of his duties until he returned."
For a moment, it seemed as though Zachariah were going to pursue the matter further, but then he smiled and patted Castiel on the back. "Rising in the ranks quickly, eh, Castiel?" he said with a chuckle. "Congratulations. Although, I still expect you to fulfill all of your own duties on time and to the best of your ability."
Castiel smiled in relief. "Of course," he said. "I will not let you down."
Zachariah smiled again before flying off to begin his work.
Castiel sighed and vowed not to let his worries distract him again. Zachariah was a good leader, but an inquisitive one. One slip today, and he might discover the true nature of Raguel's "business."
Even so, Castiel kept one eye on the sky, watching for any sign of Raguel's return.
A return that did not come.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter 6