Mindframe
I suppose Poe Ballantine's travels struck such a chord with me because he was (is?) able to subordinate all "extraneous" things to his writing, i.e. a career, a house, fancy things, even a relationship. At no point am I thinking that this sort of living is "healthy", as I believe there is something to be said for some sort of stability, but his plight is highly romanticized in my mind. His one and only focus was his craft. All else could fall by the wayside, and more often than not, did. I don't know if he meant his life this way, but this is how it's portrayed in his book of essays. I long for the ability to focus like this, but, alas (?), I put more stock in maintaining and creating relationships, in making a home, in earning a paycheck to pay for that home. Would I rather not do any of these things? Would I rather collect money from the government to pay for my room and my milk and have only one relationship in my life, my relationship with my computer screen? Exactly one half of me says "oh god yes" and exactly one half of me says "hell no".
Let me tell you what else Poe Ballantine did. Seeking yet another escape, he decides the only way to regain and subsequently keep his sanity is to institutionalize himself. The institution he chooses to commit himself to is the University of Iowa. He takes out a loan and begins classes. He is thriving, writing, interacting, and when he is very close to the completion of his undergraduate work and nearly certain of a grant to continue his writings and studies, he panics and quits. He convinces himself that the only proper place to "learn" how to write is in the "real" world. He is disgusted with predigested thoughts and methods, of continually repeating and hearing repeated the same techniques and ideas. Is it a mistake to quit school? I was behind him 100% and then he quit and I was lost. Is he justified? Look what he did. Regardless of his true motives: perhaps the idea of success scares him which is why he is consistently sabotaging himself, perhaps the thought of stability - a teaching job, an address he can commit to memory, a relationship with a woman - sounds like a prison to him, he keeps his craft as his one and only focus. His writing is more of a priority to him than a degree, than any kind of success. This is what I love about him, and this is what has remained strong with me as a move past that weekend I spent with his book. I do not have that kind of conviction. I do not have that kind of concentration. I do not devote time during each of my days to writing, to not worrying about whether what I put down is "good" or not. I do not risk rejection by submitting stories and essays and poems to publications. Poe Ballantine has pushed me just a little closer to making those changes and incorporating my writing more into my life, to making my craft more of a livelihood, to making it something more than just an indulgence.
Let me tell you what else Poe Ballantine did. Seeking yet another escape, he decides the only way to regain and subsequently keep his sanity is to institutionalize himself. The institution he chooses to commit himself to is the University of Iowa. He takes out a loan and begins classes. He is thriving, writing, interacting, and when he is very close to the completion of his undergraduate work and nearly certain of a grant to continue his writings and studies, he panics and quits. He convinces himself that the only proper place to "learn" how to write is in the "real" world. He is disgusted with predigested thoughts and methods, of continually repeating and hearing repeated the same techniques and ideas. Is it a mistake to quit school? I was behind him 100% and then he quit and I was lost. Is he justified? Look what he did. Regardless of his true motives: perhaps the idea of success scares him which is why he is consistently sabotaging himself, perhaps the thought of stability - a teaching job, an address he can commit to memory, a relationship with a woman - sounds like a prison to him, he keeps his craft as his one and only focus. His writing is more of a priority to him than a degree, than any kind of success. This is what I love about him, and this is what has remained strong with me as a move past that weekend I spent with his book. I do not have that kind of conviction. I do not have that kind of concentration. I do not devote time during each of my days to writing, to not worrying about whether what I put down is "good" or not. I do not risk rejection by submitting stories and essays and poems to publications. Poe Ballantine has pushed me just a little closer to making those changes and incorporating my writing more into my life, to making my craft more of a livelihood, to making it something more than just an indulgence.