(no subject)

Apr 16, 2006 23:02

I’m not sure what to do with myself anymore....
Sexually, spiritually, emotionally.

I personally recommend never having sex with someone on a emotional level... ever. It literally fucks everything up after that. When you no longer have it, and when you finally think you want to have sex again, you stop yourself because you realize you’re just setting yourself up to stay that cycle of wanting, losing, and yearning. You can also no longer have meaningless fucks because you realize that these will never completely satisfy you and if you happen to posses a shred of moral fiber, they should to some degree gross you out.
THIS IS ME, RIGHT NOW.
See, compound these problems and add in the twist that currently I am the most SEXUALLY CONFUSED PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, and you’re coming close to the degree of my social hang-up/ problem. Honestly, I don’t know what to do with myself. I crush on guys, but then I imagine hetro sex with the whole penis thing, and I’m kinda sicked out. Then, when I crush on a girl, I’m scared of sex because I know I won’t feel as safe as I was when I dated Chell. And because I totally have no clue what I want out on anyone, I avoid all personal contact with people I might have the slight, astronomically tiny chance of having sex with because I wouldn’t know what to do, and I hate that feeling... not knowing what to do. And thus I am a social leper.
And god, I’m the most irreligious person I know, and it’s not like I don’t want to be, but I’m to fucking cynical and critical. Christianity would be the obvious answer, but the whole shunning and “Burn the Fag!” thing is kind of a turn off. Not to mention that I personally think Jesus is the most revered suicide ever which is just about the stupidest idea ever. I didn’t ask him to die for my sins, I’LL die for my own sins thank you. So, this mentality inevitably brings me to Judaism which is emotionally to much for me. #1, It reminds me of good time with Chell which depress me utterly, and #2 reminds me of Chell’s religious exuberance, borderline fanaticism that I could never match, nor want to for that matter. These two choices out, Islam is the only major religion left standing which is out because I am a white woman, with no ties to the religion or the Mid. East. The congression would probably think I was a CIA spy looking for terrorists. Now, there is UUism and Wiccca, but really let’s be honest people, these are only for people more spiritually depurate them I am looking for a cheap cop out. That or they’re trying to look cool... whatever to that.
Ah yes, then emotionally, suffice to say that I am a homicidal wreck headed to an early death due to stress related health problems because A) I’ve haven’t had a really good lay since November and B) I keep myself as busy as I can stand so I don’t have to time to think on my emotions. It’s a beautiful system up to the point of utter collapse. Stay tuned to be sure.

Anyway, I highly doubt anyone has truly bothered to read this all the way through. To be 100% honest, I don’t think I would have. If I had just read what I just wrote with an outsiders perspective, I’d probably brush it off as teenage emo shit. Funny when it happens to you, it doesn’t seem like it anymore. Anyway, sorry if I’ve offended anyone, it’s just what I feel, which doesn’t count for much so no worries right?
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