I've got a lot to learn...
This past weekend was incredible. Nothing over the top, but just 48 hours of easy joy with Andrew.
That said, last night after trivia, I drove alone to his place in what can only be described as a foul disposition. I was grumpy that he knew all the answers to trivia and I had nothing to contribute. I thought of my relationship with my ex and how he always "won." And I let my ego and insecurities get the best of me. Focusing on how smart Andrew is, led me to berating my dumbness, which led to stressing over my weight and then ultimately to fear of losing him, because what's so special about me?
The thing is... I realized in my meandering drive from Patterson to the Shockoe Slip, the more I let these thoughts get the best of me, the more I'll actually end up accidentally pushing him away. It's GOOD that he's smart. And regardless of what I might think of myself, he gets turned on by me. He loves the touch of my skin on his.
Ok, no, he doesn't often tell me I'm pretty or beautiful, but he does tell me he loves me all the time in between tight hugs and kisses to
my forehead.
He loves falling asleep next to me and I love waking from my dreams of him to the real thing.
At his apartment last night I grumpily woke up from his snores, but this morning I smiled when he climbed down from bed to try and fix a flipped fuse for me despite not needing to get up for work for another 2 hours. He didn't grumble or berate me for not being able to get the fuse to stick on my own. He just got up and helped, no questions asked.
The thing is... it's a new experience for me to finally be in a normal real relationship. The dream's become reality and the glow of the holidays has subsided and now I'm slowly settling into every day routine.
No one ever tells you part of the reason it's hard to find the one in your thirties is because you've gotten used to being single. No compromises have to be made with yourself. You don't have to constantly temper your emotions with consideration to another person who now takes up the majority of your free time.
I was also sort of sad about Dad yesterday. Though I HAVE cried about him in front of Andrew, for the most part I'm trying to repress the more frequent thoughts. To where, like last night on my drive from The Grill, I came close to sobbing about something that'd triggered me, only to button up the emotion so that I wouldn't arrive at his place with a swollen soppy face.
...
I opened my mouth and talked a little about sex with him Friday night. After being on my period for a week, I was a bit miffed when he finished before me... So I got up the courage and said something, including asking about a few things I'd been wondering about for weeks. Like an adult, he was happy to chat about it all. The next afternoon and twice again on Sunday, he put to practice what we'd talked about, to the point that I felt delightfully weak-kneed and ruined after our 2-hour session upon returning from Charlottesville. ... I talk, he listens.
I may try and do more romantic gestures, but he's winning the game when it comes to simple patience and caring.
Saturday morning I very much wanted to watch the VCU vs UR basketball game at 11AM. I made the pot of coffee and put all the ingredients out on the counter for breakfast, but then he rolled up his sleeves and actually made the pancakes and bacon. And he enjoyed doing it for me and for us.
I suppose I'm also hung up on the idea that I can actually trust him to help take care of me. A decade of being let down by my ex and made to feel like I was an annoyance really trains a girl to expect nothing from a guy. To have Andrew actually want to participate like he does... This is what it's supposed to be like.
I am chiding myself on anytime I feel annoyed or angry, which is rare! And to be fair, 99% of what I have gotten upset about up to this point has been ridiculous on my part.. half the time I even knew it was dumb when I was in the middle of feeling it. Happily that's helped me keep my emotions in check.
...
He's a wonderful man. I really honestly never imagined I'd find someone that fit so well. ...
I need a nap.