(no subject)
Hey, kids...
I'm in one of those places, where I just feel like crying hysterically, but I really can't. I feel like rolling over and dying, but I just can't. I feel like wallowing in self pity and misery, and yet something inside me screams BE AN ADULT!!!
However, I can't really do that either.
I'm so overwhelmed with school stuff, and college stuff, and it's just this maze of confusion that I have no idea how to handle. It doesn't help that I don't even want ot do theatre anymore. I'm still applying to schools for theatre, but I really don't think it's what I want to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I feel like I'm just this bland blah person who has no idea what she really wants. I always used to stand out and be a strong personality cause I loved MT and broadway and all of that, and then I kind of backed off of that a few months ago, and now I'm slowly talking myself out of the whole notion of theatre as a career...even as fun.
I'm NOT enjoying She Stoops to Conquer, and granted ,it's a weird play, but I don't blame it on that. I blame it on ME- I just can't stand it anymore. I've decided I don't want to do it with my life anymore, and so I want to get rid of it entirely. And speaking of that, why have I decided I want to not do it anymore??? Cause I'm scared and lazy. Point blank. I'm scared I'm not good enough, and I'm too lazy to take a chance and see. I used to think I was awesome...and I know that it's not true now, which is fine. NORMAL people would just work really hard to be awesome...but I kind of rolled over and died.
Same scenario with singing. I'm not going to audition for all state chorus anymore. Just for some background, I've been in All State for 4 years. And All Eastern for one. Singing is my THING. It's my EASY thing, its the thing I love and that I don't have to work at. I've been naturally a good singer my entire life. And now my voice is fucked, and all of a sudden I can't enjoy it anymore. I hate chorus. I hate school chorus, and I hate SCE. I LOVE SCE cause I love my friends there, but I can't stand any situation, pleasant or unpleasant,formal or informal, where I'm expected to sing. I can't handle it. I absolutely loathe it. I want to drop chorus on it's ass. I want to give up the whole "vocal reconstruction" I'm doing. It's not worth it. It's not the same. Singing used to comfort me, and now it's just another reason for me to sit around and cry.
And I'm losing so much...and it's my own fault. Sometimes, when I'm the most upset, I just pull back. I guess I think I need to be on my own and to suck it up and grow the hell up...so I start cutting myself off. I'm gonna be straightforward here-I have nothing else to lose. I basically threw JM out. And now I want to die. It's supposed to be good for me. But it makes me want to die. I'm supposed to be finding out about myself and fixing my own problems while not having to rope him in and mess him up. And yet, I want to die. Every single stupid second of every single stupid day (it hasnt even been a week yet and I'm thinking its been like a year) I just want to go back to bed and forget that now I'm pretty much friendless. Okay, no, I have friends. And we get along, and oh my GOD we have SO MUCH FUN---this Saturday was such good times and I LOVE these bitches, I really do...they're so fun and we take care of each other...but JM got me. He and I really GOT each other..and I did the usual thing that I do when I find someone that I really connect with...I pushed him away. And I want to die. But I can't even WHINE about it because it's my own stupid fault. And now i'm entirely utterly alone, and I really hate myself.
And Wittley is really sick. He's getting blood tests or something, and I'm really scared and worried, and I want him to be okay. And today Shafor and I got into a fight, and like we're not speaking? It was so stupid, and he's being a jerk, and I'm being a loser, and it makes me mad because I kind of thought we were above petty little fights- I mean, ONE of us isn't even in high school. But I guess not. And Pete humiliated me, which is was sooo ridiculous and really made me mad even though I should have just not cared, because I didn't care in the FIRST place but for once I didn't want to be that girl that pulled away.
I haven't listened to a piece of musical theatre in over a week.
It doesn't seem like a crisis to you....it probably seems normal and freaking healthy
But that was who i was. Key word "was".
I've sat here for like 5 minutes trying to eloquently end this , and there's not a good way...see ya kids
I'm in one of those places, where I just feel like crying hysterically, but I really can't. I feel like rolling over and dying, but I just can't. I feel like wallowing in self pity and misery, and yet something inside me screams BE AN ADULT!!!
However, I can't really do that either.
I'm so overwhelmed with school stuff, and college stuff, and it's just this maze of confusion that I have no idea how to handle. It doesn't help that I don't even want ot do theatre anymore. I'm still applying to schools for theatre, but I really don't think it's what I want to do anymore. I have no idea what I want to do anymore. I feel like I'm just this bland blah person who has no idea what she really wants. I always used to stand out and be a strong personality cause I loved MT and broadway and all of that, and then I kind of backed off of that a few months ago, and now I'm slowly talking myself out of the whole notion of theatre as a career...even as fun.
I'm NOT enjoying She Stoops to Conquer, and granted ,it's a weird play, but I don't blame it on that. I blame it on ME- I just can't stand it anymore. I've decided I don't want to do it with my life anymore, and so I want to get rid of it entirely. And speaking of that, why have I decided I want to not do it anymore??? Cause I'm scared and lazy. Point blank. I'm scared I'm not good enough, and I'm too lazy to take a chance and see. I used to think I was awesome...and I know that it's not true now, which is fine. NORMAL people would just work really hard to be awesome...but I kind of rolled over and died.
Same scenario with singing. I'm not going to audition for all state chorus anymore. Just for some background, I've been in All State for 4 years. And All Eastern for one. Singing is my THING. It's my EASY thing, its the thing I love and that I don't have to work at. I've been naturally a good singer my entire life. And now my voice is fucked, and all of a sudden I can't enjoy it anymore. I hate chorus. I hate school chorus, and I hate SCE. I LOVE SCE cause I love my friends there, but I can't stand any situation, pleasant or unpleasant,formal or informal, where I'm expected to sing. I can't handle it. I absolutely loathe it. I want to drop chorus on it's ass. I want to give up the whole "vocal reconstruction" I'm doing. It's not worth it. It's not the same. Singing used to comfort me, and now it's just another reason for me to sit around and cry.
And I'm losing so much...and it's my own fault. Sometimes, when I'm the most upset, I just pull back. I guess I think I need to be on my own and to suck it up and grow the hell up...so I start cutting myself off. I'm gonna be straightforward here-I have nothing else to lose. I basically threw JM out. And now I want to die. It's supposed to be good for me. But it makes me want to die. I'm supposed to be finding out about myself and fixing my own problems while not having to rope him in and mess him up. And yet, I want to die. Every single stupid second of every single stupid day (it hasnt even been a week yet and I'm thinking its been like a year) I just want to go back to bed and forget that now I'm pretty much friendless. Okay, no, I have friends. And we get along, and oh my GOD we have SO MUCH FUN---this Saturday was such good times and I LOVE these bitches, I really do...they're so fun and we take care of each other...but JM got me. He and I really GOT each other..and I did the usual thing that I do when I find someone that I really connect with...I pushed him away. And I want to die. But I can't even WHINE about it because it's my own stupid fault. And now i'm entirely utterly alone, and I really hate myself.
And Wittley is really sick. He's getting blood tests or something, and I'm really scared and worried, and I want him to be okay. And today Shafor and I got into a fight, and like we're not speaking? It was so stupid, and he's being a jerk, and I'm being a loser, and it makes me mad because I kind of thought we were above petty little fights- I mean, ONE of us isn't even in high school. But I guess not. And Pete humiliated me, which is was sooo ridiculous and really made me mad even though I should have just not cared, because I didn't care in the FIRST place but for once I didn't want to be that girl that pulled away.
I haven't listened to a piece of musical theatre in over a week.
It doesn't seem like a crisis to you....it probably seems normal and freaking healthy
But that was who i was. Key word "was".
I've sat here for like 5 minutes trying to eloquently end this , and there's not a good way...see ya kids