Flashbacks and Echos
Here's a little something I promised evilangels26. I've listened to this song numerous times and thought it so appropriate for the end of a love affair like Meryl and John Cazales must have been. Of course they don't belong to me :(
The pain was still so tangible. It was so potent she could feel it hanging in the air like a bad omen. She hoped to God that she would go numb before she died from the heartbreak. Every day, every moment was a struggle. To have this horrible gnawing in the center of her chest, threatening her sanity. Meryl didn't know how to cope with it. All the possibilities, gone. The future, gone. Him, gone. John's voice came back to her.
"You'll love again, Meryl. You have to. For me."
No. No, she refused. It's impossible. She was disgusted at the mere thought of loving someone other than him. He had somehow become her everything. Unexpectedly, a ghost of a smile crosses her features. His love was the most beautiful thing she'd ever felt. John. So passionate, so alive.
Loving him is like drivin' a new maserati down a dead end street
Faster than the wind, passionate as sin, ending so suddenly
She wraps her arms around her chest to keep it from caving in as she moves like a zombie into the kitchen. ....And he's there, standing in the fridge looking for the orange juice they both forgot to pick up.
"Woman, where's the damn orange juice?" he asks, turning towards her, a joking smile on his face.
Meryl walks up to him sliding her arms around his waist. "Well good morning to you too" she sauces, standing up on her tip toes and propositioning him for a kiss. He wraps his free arm around her and gladly meets her half way. And it amazes her how she feels it every time. That spark. It's like the greatest happiness she's ever known sweeps through her body. It ends too soon and she peers around him into the fridge. "Oh shit" she laughs. "What a pair we make, huh?" Indeed there is no orange juice.
John goes to the coffee pot instead, pouring a cup and handing it to his girlfriend. "Yeah, and just which one of us is going to be in charge of diapers when we have kids, because forgetting to pick those up is NOT an option" His tone is playful, but sincere and her heart warms. "Hey, who said anything about kids?" she says in a mock surprised tone. John shrugs as she takes a sip of her hazelnut savior for the day.
"What? Don't you want to carry my babies?" he asks, leaning so close to her that she bends slightly backwards over the counter. Her smile splits from ear to ear as she abandons her coffee to caress the hair at the nape of his neck. The kiss this time is electrifying. It makes her stomach summersault over and over. When they break for air she whispers in his ear. "Of course", this time her voice is serious. Meryl turns to look into his eyes and just before he leans back in to kiss her again, she's suddenly pulled from the counter, lifted up into his arms. "She said yes! She said yes!" he bellows buoyantly, playfully, grinning like a fool and spinning her around in circles. Meryl's laughter fades as he disappears towards the bedroom.
Everything comes crashing down. He's not here, Meryl, stop fantasizing that he is. It'll only make it harder on you.
Loving him is like trying to change your mind once you're already flying through the free fall
Like the colors in autumn so bright, just before they lose it all
She knows the tears are coming. She wants to scream at the top of her lungs for being so stupid. Why did her brain have to give her a glimpse of what once was, just to refresh the sadness in her heart a minute later? It was so unfair, all of it. Why him? Why did God have to take him? Sweet, beautiful, vibrant and exotic, loving and inhumanly compassionate John? She remembers it all like yesterday and Jesus, does it feel like just yesterday...
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Loving him was red
Without him here, some days feel like they go by in seconds and others last for years. She can't concentrate, can't eat or sleep. Her body rakes with sobs every night and during the day she stares into nothingness until she falls into a sleep full of haunting dreams. Often, when she's just moving about the apartment for something to do, her mind conjures him up, bringing him to life again. Yesterday she had a conversation with him until her brother walked in and asked her who she was talking to. It's so surreal, yet she feels so distant from life at the same time. So out of her own body and mind, out of control.
Meryl sits looking blankly at the tv, something on that hasn't even registered with her yet, if it will at all. Then she feels it. His hand grasping hers as it lays on the sofa.
Meryl peers up at him through sleepy eyes. She had been watching Grey's and waiting for him to get back from rehearsal. "Hey, baby" she says through a yawn.
John sighs. "Tired?" Meryl nods the affirmative and he nods back. "I agree. We had to run act 2 three times in a row tonight"
She rubs his fingers that are intertwined with her own and scoots closer. "Aww, I know how that is. You were probably so brilliant, David wanted to watch you over and over" she jokes. She loves complimenting him on his acting though. He's the reason she views her career the way she does. He's taught her so much just by living through human emotion and portraying it on stage and screen. Meryl wants him to know this, so she tells him how great he is, every chance she gets.
He laughs and shakes his head in disbelief. "Or I could have just botched it the first two go 'rounds" Ah. Ever the humble guy, of course he couldn't just accept her admiration for what it was. "You, on the other hand..." he starts out.
"Oh no you don't. We were talking about your work right now, not mine"
John props his head up with his elbow on the back of the couch. "Can I help it if I'm proud to be sleeping with the greatest actress the world has ever seen?"
Meryl gasps at his statement. He's not a crude man by any means, but when they're alone he's not afraid to talk about sex and if she's honest, she doesn't mind listening, seeing as it's one of her favorite things to do nowadays. She smirks at him before straddling his legs. "Not any more than I can help jumping your bones every night"
The older man raises his eyebrows in amusement and lays her down on the couch. He kisses her softly and she tries to deepen it, but he happens to know what's best for her. And sleep wins out tonight. Pulling away, she makes a face at him. "You're tired, babe. Get some rest" he declares, standing and covering her with the throw. "But I..." Meryl starts and is interrupted by a yawn. She covers her mouth daintily with her palm. John just snickers. "You can jump my bones tomorrow"
With that lovely thought in her mind, she drifts off to a peaceful sleep.
She opens her eyes to a new day, but it doesn't matter. She doesn't want new days, she wants the old ones. Sitting up in bed she realizes her cheeks are stained wet, yet again. Sometimes she manages to fall asleep without crying, but her dreams always ruin her dry eyes anyways. What's the point? She wishes it weren't true, but she thinks of death a lot. How easy it would be to pull a trigger or slip backwards out the window and join him again. She misses him.
Somehow she has a feeling he wouldn't forgive her in heaven. He'd told her so many times lying on his death bed that he needed her to move on. She'd once asked him who he'd feel like dating if their places were reversed. "I'm older than you, sweetheart. I'd live the rest of my life loving you forever. But I'm asking you to do this for me. Please don't waste away mourning me, Meryl. I'll be in a better place. I'll be watching you make a success of your life and if you don't, you'll have let me down, kiddo"
Meryl could still hear every word so clearly. It's like they were emblazoned into her brain. But she was scared to death to wake up one day and forget them. For time to erase the way he looked in the morning, the smell of his t-shirt, the soft timber of his voice. John was the man of her dreams. His spirit lit something inside of her and she wasn't even sure that flame was completely out yet. The memories were keeping it alive, reminding her of the man she had loved...still loves. She could tell you anything about him. His favorite little restaurant tucked away in china town, the one thing that turns him on most, the fastest way to piss him off, his most horrible childhood memory. It was all there in her brain, secured by her heart. She had devoured every last bit of information about him and it was so effortless falling in love with him.
Touching him was realizing all you ever wanted was right there in front of you
Memorizing him was as easy as knowing all the words to your old favorite song
Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there's no right answer
Regretting him was like wishing you'd never found out love could be that strong
She runs out of food in the apartment and is forced to leave. Forced to enter the outside world and communicate with the living. She herself, feels dead inside. As if she's merely a vessel moving about for appearances' sake. As she passes central park, something makes her go in. She walks down the lane almost automatically, without thinking. When she stops at the Delacorte Theater, she closes her eyes.
"I don't care, John! You yourself said this part was impossible to pass up!" She's yelling at him, standing at the back entrance and drawing the attention of their cast mates.
"Yeah, well that was before this started!" he hollers back, motioning between the two of them. "For God's sake, don't be so naive!"
Meryl makes a face of outrage. "Naive?!" She walks closer and points her finger at his chest. "YOU are the one acting like an immature five year old!"
"No. I'm trying to get you to see what everyone else sees! He's an asshole, Meryl. Everyone knows it and I'm sorry, but I just can't condone you playing his lover."
She steps back at this and suddenly feels the anger boiling hot under her skin. "You don't condone it?! Well I don't remember asking your permission, you jerk!" Why was he doing this? She didn't need someone telling her what to do or not to do. It's in this moment that she can see him acting exactly like a father figure and it's unsettling. She wonders if this is how he'll always treat her, like a little girl who needs guidance.
"Oh, I'm a jerk?? Okay then miss flirt, go ahead and do it! But don't come crying to me when he seduces you, fucks you, and then dumps you for the next one in line!"
Smack! Her hand came across hard on his cheek. Everything was quiet. "Go to hell" she whispers, before disappearing inside and into the women's dressing room where he can't come after her.
That fight had left her reeling, but they maybe lasted 2 hours before talking to each other again. She just couldn't stay away from him, no matter how mad she was at his behavior. The man inside had her attracted to him like a fly to honey. It was so wildly infuriating to want someone that bad. She almost wished she'd never met him. She sure wouldn't be a broken rag of bones right now if she hadn't.
Losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
But loving him was red
Oh red
Burnin' red
How she got back to the apartment she wasn't really sure. Her feet just carried her. Once inside the safe haven, she dropped the bag of perishables on the counter and didn't look back. She just didn't have the energy to face such mundane every day tasks as putting away groceries. She was falling apart at the seams and everyone knew it. A small stack of cards was waiting for her just inside the door, scattered on the ground from when they'd been slid through the mail slot. No one used that damn thing anymore unless they were friends or family, meaning they were all condolences and sympathy wishes. All the bills had undoubtedly been stuffed into the tiny mailbox downstairs that read 'Apartment 3'. Neglecting everything about life was only going to cause her to slip further into depression, but she couldn't help it. She just didn't care. She can't explain it but a wave of unimaginable sadness comes upon her and she feels herself slipping from the edge. The voices start again.
"Promise me you'll keep living after I'm gone?"
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echos
"I can't!! John, I can't I'm sorry!" She yells out to the empty apartment, the tears already present in her eyes. His voice was there, soft and assuring. Never leaving her, even in death.
"You should be celebrating. Look where I get to spend eternity"
No, no, no. "It's impossible! I can't do it without you! I can't do anything without you!" she slumps to the floor, her chest heaving in agony. "How am I supposed to go on? I don't want to! Not without you!!" she cries.
Tell myself it's time now, gotta let go
Suddenly he's there, holding out his hand to her. "It'll be alright. You can do it, just let go"
She jumps to her feet to embrace him, but finds herself clutching air. "Nooooooo...." she sobs. "I don't want to let you go John. Do you hear me?! I won't!" Her head is pounding, but it's barely a concern when her heart feels as though it's literally ripping in half. It's so painful that she groans through the pain. "Ohhhhh.......Godddd.....Johnnnnn..."
She leans over the counter and his face appears in a glare on the marble. He coos at her from the counter top. "Shhhh, deep breaths. I'll always be a part of you..."
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head
Laying her face onto her imaginary reflection of his, she cries until she has no energy to cry any longer. "Why did you leave me?" she whispers, her breath shaky from the uneven breathing.
Loving him was red
She knows his presence is etched into her heart for the rest of her life, but she can't deal with the pain right now. Slowly rising from her slumped position, she looks down to where she had sworn he laid, smiling up at her, but it only holds her own reflection. It's then that she knows. He's inside of her, always and forever.
Oh, losing him was blue like I'd never known
Missing him was dark grey, all alone
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met
Cause loving him was red
Burnin' red
So for now she would grieve. She would accept that her world was void of color, void of happiness and love, void of her John. But she would hold on to his words, his face, his soul and try to find hope in that.
And that's why he's spinning 'round in my head
Comes back to me, burning RED
John would always be her first love. The person that had shaped her, helped her to grow into the woman she is today. Everyday she wished he hadn't been taken from her so soon. But his love. His love had changed her life. It had opened her eyes to the beauty of it all, the serendipity of their souls meeting, the brightness of the stars, the timeless and unfathomable love she could hold in her heart for another person. And she would always see the light in his eyes and remember what it was like loving him. She would hold him in her heart until they could be re-united again one day. She would go to his grave and tell him about her week. She would look up to the clouds and know that he was there looking down on her and giving her the courage she needed to move on. She would close her eyes every night and remind him how much she had loved him. And she would love him still....no matter how much it hurt.
His love was like drivin' a new maserati down a dead end street......