Chaos Unlimited: Chapter Sixteen
Chapter 16 "California Aho... Oh boy."- By Heather
Several hours later, it actually appeared that the SeaQuest might make it to California.
"It's about time," Lestat grumbled. But when the radar came up he was aghast. "Look at it! There's one square mile of California left! All the rest of it has sunk!"
"Babewatch is still there," Starbuck offered. "See that group of floating buoys over there'? With all the blondes in bikinis swimming around it'? That's Babewatch."
"I think we took too long," Duncan noted. "They're all wrinkly."
Richie stirred out of the depression he had sunk into upon hearing of Tessa's death. Climbing out of the depression with the help of a ladder, he glanced at the screen. "We could always offer them a place to dry out," he suggested.
"We need to save the remainder of California," Bridger pointed out, nearly jabbing the Doctor in the eye in the process. "We're floating over the remainder of the San Fernando valley right now! This used to be a whole lot of wine fields!"
"Where?" Quark looked around, trying to spot any grapes. "I bet I could make really good wine. They teach that kind of thing in Feringi Bartending Academy!" His eyes suddenly glazed over. "Do you need to get a life?" he asked, in the voice of a radio announcer. "Then go down and apply to the Feringi Bartending Academy! In just three short weeks we'll teach you everything you need to know to make something that would poison a Klingon! Financial assistance available in your dreams." Quark snapped out of it, looking around. "Sorry. They program free advertising into all of their graduates."
Lucas pulled a versatile remote control out of his pocket. "I wonder if I can make the Whiskers go get them," he said. He fiddled with the controls.
A few hundred miles away, at the bottom of the ocean, Creighton suddenly found himself unable to control his own body. He whizzed around in circles, stirring up a cloud of sand, and frightening a school of fish. After a pre-school performance of the Nutcracker Suite he found himself whizzing away at top speed towards California. "Help!" he burbled. "Help! I'm being controlled by an exterior influence!"
A passing humpback whale heard him and reported it to the Probe.
On the SeaQuest, Lucas had succeeded in making C3PO twitch convulsively, the Stormtrooper perform 'I'm a Little Teapot', and the Whiskers were doing underwater versions of cat food commercials. The Mag-liftTM was complaining that it was getting sick, Kitt's car body- still imbedded in the hull- was honking it's horn and playing 'Here Comes the Bride' and Selma was experiencing static and technical difficulties. Finally, Darwin took the remote control away from Lucas.
"We have to rescue California!" Bridger was screaming, Lestat backing him up, Buck Rogers and Starbuck were screaming about Babewatch, Wakko was supplying the, electric guitar and Yakko was on the drums. Dot was talking to a manager about hiring on the entire group and possibly doing a record deal.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light. Everyone cringed, but then they realized no one had sneezed and it was probably safe. Wesley appeared in the middle of the bridge. "I am God," he announced. "I can fix this entire mess."
"Get out of my story!" Lucas screamed, tackling Wesley. "This is my story! I'm the teen who's God around here! I'm the child genius! I'm supposed to save the ship!" Biting, kicking, and scratching, the two rolled around the bridge. Bridger sidestepped them as he raced Buck Rogers to the navigation seat. Ace, walking back onto the bridge, stopped and stared.
"I'm not even going to say I never because I've seen it too many times she exclaimed. "First Flipper, then God! Have you no respect for yourself, Lucas?"
Lucas stopped fighting and sat up. "Hey, at least I have high ambitions," he said.
Bridger had wrested the controls away from Buck Rogers. "We're going to California!" he yelled.
"And anyone who tries stopping us is dinner!" Lestat seconded. "Hurry, damn it! I think my penthouse might still be standing!"
Bridger started to set in the course. "California, ahoy-oh boy." he stopped suddenly, looking in confusion at the console in front of him. "Ah..."
"What's wrong? Set the course!" Lestat demanded.
"Oh, ah, sure. Yeah. Just give me a second..." Bridger fiddled with the controls, not really doing anything. "Al? What do I do now? Al?"
Dot popped up, George now in a knapsack on her back, where she could keep him away from Quark. "You're the eleventh person to start talking to this 'Al'. Is this all a mass delusion, or what?"
Wesley stood up. "No! I am God, I know all and see all! This Al is another main character in this story! And Bridger is now..."
Darwin pulled his sword out and held it to Wesley's throat. "You want to try talking without a head, God boy? I'm the only know all and see all around here, and I say how much they should know. And Lucas saves the day. You don't have a part in here."
Sulking, Wesley slinked back to a corner.
Bridger seemed to have suddenly had a revelation. He was speaking to air, tears of relief shining in his eyes. "You mean I could finally get out of here? I could leap into another scenario? I could forget this entire thing ever happened? Are you sure, Al? Is Ziggy sure? Really? All I have to do is get the babes to worship Bridg... Wait a minute." He reached over, grabbing a compact case from Ardalla and studying his face. "Well, that's not too bad, I suppose. The dignified older man look. Hold on, let me see..." He went to go look at his reflection in the bulkhead, which was freshly polished after having cleaned up all the stage blood. He looked at himself critically, trying a few poses. "Little scrawny, huh'?"
Riker came over, striking the 'I'm young and handsome and I know it' pose. "You don't pose with enough authority," he offered helpfully. "Here, try it like this. Chest out, legs apart, hands on hips, head out like you're going to ram something with it, vacant but good looking stare in your eyes, and hold your breath until your veins pop out. Works every time." He demonstrated, the veins in his forehead popping an inch off his head. Bridger tried it, but it was a dismal failure. Riker sighed and struck the '1'm sympathetic to you but you're really a wimp and there's not much I or anyone can do about it' pose.
Gurney came over. Bridger was examining himself from different angles. "Well, the uniform's not too bad," he was saying. "I mean, it's tailored, and it has pockets, and it looks good on me."
"The question is, how do you look in Speedos?" Gurney said. "Have you ever shown your tan line on national television?"
Bridger gasped, turning paler. Dot popped up. "You could try being cute," she offered. "Like this. Open your eyes really wide," her eyes became the size of laser disks, "put your hands behind your back, sway back and forth, squinch your nose into a cute little button, pout a little, and think cute."
"I don't think so," Bridger said, but he tried it anyway. Ace turned into a corner and threw up on Wesley, who was gagging.
Cat had to put in his two cents, but he couldn't find exact change and Ryoga had to loan it to him. "Hey, man, you need some cat class," he said. "You need some cat style." Humming the 'Stray Cat Strut', Cat pulled rack after rack of fluorescent and leather suits out of his breast pocket. Darwin, Richie, and Duncan stared.
"Hey, don't look at me like that," Cat said. "I bought this jacket off an alien. I'm not an immortal."
"Maybe I should just go work out for a year," Bridger said.
Gurney was fingering a bright green leather pair of pants. "At least we could find you in this," he said.
"Hey, yeah," Cat said. "And we could put the black and yellow vest with it and call him a bumblebee."
There were snickers around the bridge and Bridger glared. "We have to go to Babewatch!" he said. He strode over to the controls but Lestat got there first.
"You're going there over my dead body!" the vampire said.
Everyone stopped and thought about it. "You are dead," Darwin pointed out. Sheepishly, Lestat stepped aside.
"My penthouse is doomed," he muttered.
Riker shrugged. "You could always use transporter room three," he suggested. Lestat glared at him and he slunk away.
Bridger had set the SeaQuest for Babewatch. "I'm going to get the babes to worship me if it's the last thing I do," he swore.
The SeaQuest was greeted at Babewatch by hordes of screaming and shrieking blondes in tight bikinis. "Oh look," one cried, the space for rent sign protruding from her ear. "It's a big, long, hard thing!"
"And it's full of seamen," another piped up, kept afloat only by her huge chest. The crew was going swimming. Apollo, Starbuck, Buck Rogers, Riker, and Gurney had shown up in a succeedingly tighter and skimpier series of Speedos. G Gurney had originally shown up in a chest-revealing robe but when he saw what the others were wearing he had stripped it off to reveal a black leather G-string. Nurse Chapel had almost fainted. Ardalla was drooling. Ace was stunned.
"He's three times your age," Lucas pointed out to her.
"And you're wearing matching boxer shorts with Dolphin boy over there," Ace snapped, tightening her bikini top a little.
The Doctor stepped onto the bridge, wearing his scarf. Nurse Chapel panted. "I remember what's under that," she said.
"No you don't," the Doctor said, twitching aside the scarf so that only she could see. Nurse Chapel reeled back, stunned.
Ardalla, her underwire bikini in place, looked around. "Where's Bridger? And why are you wearing a girl's suit, Ranma?"
"Oh, am I? How careless of me, heh, heh," Ranma said, embarrassed. "Must have grabbed the wrong one."
"I'll say," Dot said.
"You're right," Ranma said, looking down at himself. "Blue isn't my color. I'll go get the green one."
All conversation stopped as Bridger walked in. He was wrapped in a towel. "Everybody ready'?" he asked.
"Wait a minute," Riker said. "What's under that towel'? I haven't been giving you stud lessons for nothing. Think of this as your final exam."
Bridger hemmed, hawed, staked, and finally had the towel grabbed away by Lister. The entire bridge stared.
"You flunk," Riker said.
Bridger turned bright scarlet. "These were all I could find!" he said, gesturing to the knee-length, paisley boxer shorts. "It was this, or a full wet suit!"
"That would look better," Wakko said helpfully.
"Wait a minute," Cat said. "I've got the perfect thing here. Why don't you wear this?" He pulled out a miniscule, nearly non-existent green leather Speedo with little heart cut outs that was held together by string.
Gurney looked over. "Do you have something like that in black?"
"You think I wouldn't have black? Man, black is the basic of any wardrobe!" Cat pulled out a matching outfit in black. "Sure you don't want it in mauve?"
"No thanks," Gurney muttered absently, disappearing to change.
Bridger clung stubbornly to his boxer shorts. "I'm not putting that on. Not now. Not ever. Not in a million years. I don't care what you do to me, I'm not wearing them."
Gurney walked back in and struck a pose. Every female on the bridge collapsed at his feet in gasping ecstasy.
Bridger turned even brighter red. "Give me those," he snapped at Cat, grabbing the Speedos.
Cat grabbed his arm. "Wait a minute. Man, you're too red to wear green. It'll clash! Opposite colors and all, you know. Here, take some dark blue ones."
Bridger disappeared. In a few minutes he came back, striking a pose similar to Gurney's. Everyone stared.
Riker cleared his throat. "Well... ah... let's go, I guess." He walked away, shaking his head. "Oh man, that poor guy..."
Outside, the blondes were shrieking in excitement as the crew came pouring out of the SeaQuest. They latched onto Apollo first, since he had been pushed out of the hatch first.
"Oh, he's sooooo cute!" one cried. Apollo smiled evilly.
But then Starbuck came out and they all went to him, more of them swimming up by the minute. "Oh my Gawd, what a fox," one said.
Riker came out and somehow managed to strike a pose in the water. Girls flocked to him. "Oh my Gawd, like, look at that chest," one said, chomping on her gum. "Like, wow, man. Look at that beard. Like, wow."
Buck Rogers came out and shouldered Riker aside. "Toooo much," a blonde cried. "Like, look at his buns! They're to die for!"
Finally, Gurney stepped out. He posed for a moment on the SeaQuest, stunning the girls. Several almost drowned, forgetting to swim. Fortunately, they also forgot to breathe. Gurney dove into the water, a perfectly executed Olympic style swan dive. Coming up, though, he seemed to have some problems.
"Oh damn," he said, looking around. "Oh damn, oh damn... where did they go?" He dove back down. A flash of white was all that was visible but the girls were swooning by droves. They converged on the spot, trying to 'help' him look for the missing article.
Finally, Bridger stepped foreword. "I can do this," he was saying, over and over. "I can do this. I can. I can. I think I can. I think..." He stepped through the hatch. Taking a deep breath, he struck the manliest pose he could think of on the SeaQuest.
There was no response for a moment. Then someone shrieked in pleasure. Bridger snapped his eyes open, looking around. For one brief minute pride filled him. Then he realized that the scream was because someone had found Gurney's G-string and was swimming away with it at top speed, to escape the hordes of other blondes. Bridger cringed in embarrassment. No one had even noticed him. He was invisible. It was worse then ridicule. Tripping over his own feet, he fell into the water.
Everyone else joined them, except for Cat, who didn't like water, and C3PO, who was still in pieces in a box, and Darwin and Ryoga who decided to get a tan on the top of the SeaQuest instead. Spotting them there, Ranma made it her mission to try splashing them. Even the Stormtrooper jumped in, though he sank instantly to the bottom. The Doctor was kept aloft by his amazing scarf. He was trying to keep his hair dry. Nurse Chapel kept doing dive by runs on him, trying to get beneath the scarf.
Bridger was sulking. No one had noticed him. He was disgraced. He could never show his face in public again. And he wasn't that bad looking, he really wasn't! He was sure of it! Ok, he didn't have a beard and he couldn't strike a pose to save his life and he didn't have an English accent, but he still wasn't bad looking.
Scott Bakula was sulking worse then Bridger. If I had my own body they'd be coming after me in droves, he thought. The ratings on my show were fantastic. I could get the girls. I know I could.
A lone blonde floated up. "Like, are you the captain of that ship?"
Bridger straightened up. Of course! I'm the Captain! I have this great ship! That's what I have that the others don't! "Why yes, I am," he said, smoothing his hair back.
"Like, wow," the blonde said, tugging up one of the straps of her itsy bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini. She was gazing in rapt awe at the SeaQuest. "Like, totally wow. Cool." She leaned closer to him. Bridger almost suffocated from the waves caused by her motion. "Say, like, can you keep a secret?"
"Sure," Bridger said.
The blonde sighed. "Great. Listen, what kind of ship is that? Fission powered? Nuclear? What are the schematics? Could I see them? Do you have one of those new Maglevs on board'? I'm really interested."
"Ah... Ah..." Bridger struggled with the concept of a brain behind those blue eyes. "Ah... You want to see the bridge?"
Lucas suddenly popped up. "I can show you my dolphin," he offered.
The blonde gasped. "Like, I ain't that type of girl," she said, slipping back into her accent.
"I mean a real dolphin," Lucas said. "He even talks. Want to see?"
The blonde thought about it. "You have a talking dolphin? Wow. I'm studying to be a marine biologist, you know. A talking dolphin would make a great final report."
Lucas swam away, the girl in tow. "Hey, Darwin!" Bridger sighed.
Al appeared, treading water in a style that would have done Jesus proud. "Not good, Sam," he said. "I mean, the girls aren't coming to you. And if you don't get the majority of them, Ziggy says you'll be stuck here. Forever. Just bouncing from body to body."
Bridger sighed harder.
Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared over his head. "Wait!" he cried. "That's it!" He thrashed around. Water hit the lightbulb and shorted it out. "Oh damn," Bridger cried. "There it went.” But another lightbulb appeared. This time, Bridger was careful not to splash water on it. Swimming back to the SeaQuest, he climbed back up to the hatch and went inside.
Inside, he chanced a quick ride on the Mag-liftTM to Quark's bar, where the TARDIS was still parked. The Mag-liftTM and Holly whistled lewd comments the entire ride through the greater part of Russia. On the way, they picked up a man who claimed to be Professor Henry Jones but who bore a striking resemblance to the captain of the Red October who had slammed into the SeaQuest. Just to prove there were no hard feelings, though, the man taught him how to do his distinguished English accent properly.
Once out at the bar, Bridger picked the lock of the TARDIS. Inside, he looked around in confusion. Grabbing a ball of string from the console in the first room, he tied it to the door and began exploring. "How can all of this be in one tiny little telephone box?" he wondered. Finally he found what he was looking for. He knew it had to be there. He knew what England's weather was like. There was no way that the Doctor's or Ace's tans could be natural.
Ten minutes later, Bridger appeared from the TARDIS with a deep, golden tan. On the way, though, he spotted a weight room. Stopping, he looked at the Nordic Trak 50,026. It didn't look that complicated. And maybe he could work up a good, manly sweat. Girls liked that.
So he hopped onto it and set it for high speed. The attached direction book said the machine would do the rest for him. Unfortunately, the itsy bitsy fine print at the bottom said not to do it at the highest speed.
Five minutes later Bridger reeled out of the TARDIS, half a foot taller and sleekly muscled. Walking through the bar, he discovered a slip of paper that had once belonged to Data.
Bridger thought for awhile, then went and called the number, charging it to his Visa. One minute later a small roadrunner delivered his order from the NIKE catalogue, explaining that it was moonlighting.
Tanned, accented, muscled, and with his Nike pump in place, Bridger strode forth to get the girls.
Outside, it was all chaos. The girls were drifting from one hunk to another. Gurney was mostly drowned as the women fought over him. Someone had taken C3PO and Data's heads off and was playing water hockey with them. Tasha still had Data's body, though, so she didn't mind. And the blondes thought the exclamations Data's head kept making were in reference to themselves, so they didn't mind.
Bridger stepped out. He stopped and posed. A single beam of light came down and spread over his glowing tan, outlining his muscles. In a ringing English accent, he spoke.
"Bow down, you foolish mortals. I am the all mighty studley Captain of this ship. I am the ranking officer over all of these other fools. I have a better tan. I have more hair. And my Speedos are covering something bigger. I am Bridger. Come get me."
Everywhere, girls stopped what they were doing. They stopped pinching Apollo's cheeks. They stopped pinching Buck Rogers’ other cheeks. They stopped caressing Gurney's bald head. They stopped playing with Riker's beard. They stopped, and looked, and revelation came upon them. A hundred mouths slavered in lipstick dropped open. Two hundred protruding breasts heaved. And as one, they said, "Oh... Muh... Gawd."
As the girls flocked to Bridger, mobbing him, someone's voice was heard to say "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God all mighty, I'm FREE at last!" There was a blinding flash of blue light and Bridger reeled back from the mob. Screaming hordes of girls converged on him, carrying him away. He wasn't seen for ten hours.
"I hope Nike has a good warranty on that pump," Data's head commented from where it floated.
"I hope Bridger has life insurance," Gurney said.
Everyone trailed back into the SeaQuest eventually. Bridger was admitted to a nearby hospital. Lestat, as the ranking undead personage with dangerous fangs on board (He and Cat had measured. His were longer.) had seized control of the ship. "We're going to California," he announced. "ETA, fifteen minutes to the last square inch left!"
Chapter Seventeen
Several hours later, it actually appeared that the SeaQuest might make it to California.
"It's about time," Lestat grumbled. But when the radar came up he was aghast. "Look at it! There's one square mile of California left! All the rest of it has sunk!"
"Babewatch is still there," Starbuck offered. "See that group of floating buoys over there'? With all the blondes in bikinis swimming around it'? That's Babewatch."
"I think we took too long," Duncan noted. "They're all wrinkly."
Richie stirred out of the depression he had sunk into upon hearing of Tessa's death. Climbing out of the depression with the help of a ladder, he glanced at the screen. "We could always offer them a place to dry out," he suggested.
"We need to save the remainder of California," Bridger pointed out, nearly jabbing the Doctor in the eye in the process. "We're floating over the remainder of the San Fernando valley right now! This used to be a whole lot of wine fields!"
"Where?" Quark looked around, trying to spot any grapes. "I bet I could make really good wine. They teach that kind of thing in Feringi Bartending Academy!" His eyes suddenly glazed over. "Do you need to get a life?" he asked, in the voice of a radio announcer. "Then go down and apply to the Feringi Bartending Academy! In just three short weeks we'll teach you everything you need to know to make something that would poison a Klingon! Financial assistance available in your dreams." Quark snapped out of it, looking around. "Sorry. They program free advertising into all of their graduates."
Lucas pulled a versatile remote control out of his pocket. "I wonder if I can make the Whiskers go get them," he said. He fiddled with the controls.
A few hundred miles away, at the bottom of the ocean, Creighton suddenly found himself unable to control his own body. He whizzed around in circles, stirring up a cloud of sand, and frightening a school of fish. After a pre-school performance of the Nutcracker Suite he found himself whizzing away at top speed towards California. "Help!" he burbled. "Help! I'm being controlled by an exterior influence!"
A passing humpback whale heard him and reported it to the Probe.
On the SeaQuest, Lucas had succeeded in making C3PO twitch convulsively, the Stormtrooper perform 'I'm a Little Teapot', and the Whiskers were doing underwater versions of cat food commercials. The Mag-liftTM was complaining that it was getting sick, Kitt's car body- still imbedded in the hull- was honking it's horn and playing 'Here Comes the Bride' and Selma was experiencing static and technical difficulties. Finally, Darwin took the remote control away from Lucas.
"We have to rescue California!" Bridger was screaming, Lestat backing him up, Buck Rogers and Starbuck were screaming about Babewatch, Wakko was supplying the, electric guitar and Yakko was on the drums. Dot was talking to a manager about hiring on the entire group and possibly doing a record deal.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light. Everyone cringed, but then they realized no one had sneezed and it was probably safe. Wesley appeared in the middle of the bridge. "I am God," he announced. "I can fix this entire mess."
"Get out of my story!" Lucas screamed, tackling Wesley. "This is my story! I'm the teen who's God around here! I'm the child genius! I'm supposed to save the ship!" Biting, kicking, and scratching, the two rolled around the bridge. Bridger sidestepped them as he raced Buck Rogers to the navigation seat. Ace, walking back onto the bridge, stopped and stared.
"I'm not even going to say I never because I've seen it too many times she exclaimed. "First Flipper, then God! Have you no respect for yourself, Lucas?"
Lucas stopped fighting and sat up. "Hey, at least I have high ambitions," he said.
Bridger had wrested the controls away from Buck Rogers. "We're going to California!" he yelled.
"And anyone who tries stopping us is dinner!" Lestat seconded. "Hurry, damn it! I think my penthouse might still be standing!"
Bridger started to set in the course. "California, ahoy-oh boy." he stopped suddenly, looking in confusion at the console in front of him. "Ah..."
"What's wrong? Set the course!" Lestat demanded.
"Oh, ah, sure. Yeah. Just give me a second..." Bridger fiddled with the controls, not really doing anything. "Al? What do I do now? Al?"
Dot popped up, George now in a knapsack on her back, where she could keep him away from Quark. "You're the eleventh person to start talking to this 'Al'. Is this all a mass delusion, or what?"
Wesley stood up. "No! I am God, I know all and see all! This Al is another main character in this story! And Bridger is now..."
Darwin pulled his sword out and held it to Wesley's throat. "You want to try talking without a head, God boy? I'm the only know all and see all around here, and I say how much they should know. And Lucas saves the day. You don't have a part in here."
Sulking, Wesley slinked back to a corner.
Bridger seemed to have suddenly had a revelation. He was speaking to air, tears of relief shining in his eyes. "You mean I could finally get out of here? I could leap into another scenario? I could forget this entire thing ever happened? Are you sure, Al? Is Ziggy sure? Really? All I have to do is get the babes to worship Bridg... Wait a minute." He reached over, grabbing a compact case from Ardalla and studying his face. "Well, that's not too bad, I suppose. The dignified older man look. Hold on, let me see..." He went to go look at his reflection in the bulkhead, which was freshly polished after having cleaned up all the stage blood. He looked at himself critically, trying a few poses. "Little scrawny, huh'?"
Riker came over, striking the 'I'm young and handsome and I know it' pose. "You don't pose with enough authority," he offered helpfully. "Here, try it like this. Chest out, legs apart, hands on hips, head out like you're going to ram something with it, vacant but good looking stare in your eyes, and hold your breath until your veins pop out. Works every time." He demonstrated, the veins in his forehead popping an inch off his head. Bridger tried it, but it was a dismal failure. Riker sighed and struck the '1'm sympathetic to you but you're really a wimp and there's not much I or anyone can do about it' pose.
Gurney came over. Bridger was examining himself from different angles. "Well, the uniform's not too bad," he was saying. "I mean, it's tailored, and it has pockets, and it looks good on me."
"The question is, how do you look in Speedos?" Gurney said. "Have you ever shown your tan line on national television?"
Bridger gasped, turning paler. Dot popped up. "You could try being cute," she offered. "Like this. Open your eyes really wide," her eyes became the size of laser disks, "put your hands behind your back, sway back and forth, squinch your nose into a cute little button, pout a little, and think cute."
"I don't think so," Bridger said, but he tried it anyway. Ace turned into a corner and threw up on Wesley, who was gagging.
Cat had to put in his two cents, but he couldn't find exact change and Ryoga had to loan it to him. "Hey, man, you need some cat class," he said. "You need some cat style." Humming the 'Stray Cat Strut', Cat pulled rack after rack of fluorescent and leather suits out of his breast pocket. Darwin, Richie, and Duncan stared.
"Hey, don't look at me like that," Cat said. "I bought this jacket off an alien. I'm not an immortal."
"Maybe I should just go work out for a year," Bridger said.
Gurney was fingering a bright green leather pair of pants. "At least we could find you in this," he said.
"Hey, yeah," Cat said. "And we could put the black and yellow vest with it and call him a bumblebee."
There were snickers around the bridge and Bridger glared. "We have to go to Babewatch!" he said. He strode over to the controls but Lestat got there first.
"You're going there over my dead body!" the vampire said.
Everyone stopped and thought about it. "You are dead," Darwin pointed out. Sheepishly, Lestat stepped aside.
"My penthouse is doomed," he muttered.
Riker shrugged. "You could always use transporter room three," he suggested. Lestat glared at him and he slunk away.
Bridger had set the SeaQuest for Babewatch. "I'm going to get the babes to worship me if it's the last thing I do," he swore.
The SeaQuest was greeted at Babewatch by hordes of screaming and shrieking blondes in tight bikinis. "Oh look," one cried, the space for rent sign protruding from her ear. "It's a big, long, hard thing!"
"And it's full of seamen," another piped up, kept afloat only by her huge chest. The crew was going swimming. Apollo, Starbuck, Buck Rogers, Riker, and Gurney had shown up in a succeedingly tighter and skimpier series of Speedos. G Gurney had originally shown up in a chest-revealing robe but when he saw what the others were wearing he had stripped it off to reveal a black leather G-string. Nurse Chapel had almost fainted. Ardalla was drooling. Ace was stunned.
"He's three times your age," Lucas pointed out to her.
"And you're wearing matching boxer shorts with Dolphin boy over there," Ace snapped, tightening her bikini top a little.
The Doctor stepped onto the bridge, wearing his scarf. Nurse Chapel panted. "I remember what's under that," she said.
"No you don't," the Doctor said, twitching aside the scarf so that only she could see. Nurse Chapel reeled back, stunned.
Ardalla, her underwire bikini in place, looked around. "Where's Bridger? And why are you wearing a girl's suit, Ranma?"
"Oh, am I? How careless of me, heh, heh," Ranma said, embarrassed. "Must have grabbed the wrong one."
"I'll say," Dot said.
"You're right," Ranma said, looking down at himself. "Blue isn't my color. I'll go get the green one."
All conversation stopped as Bridger walked in. He was wrapped in a towel. "Everybody ready'?" he asked.
"Wait a minute," Riker said. "What's under that towel'? I haven't been giving you stud lessons for nothing. Think of this as your final exam."
Bridger hemmed, hawed, staked, and finally had the towel grabbed away by Lister. The entire bridge stared.
"You flunk," Riker said.
Bridger turned bright scarlet. "These were all I could find!" he said, gesturing to the knee-length, paisley boxer shorts. "It was this, or a full wet suit!"
"That would look better," Wakko said helpfully.
"Wait a minute," Cat said. "I've got the perfect thing here. Why don't you wear this?" He pulled out a miniscule, nearly non-existent green leather Speedo with little heart cut outs that was held together by string.
Gurney looked over. "Do you have something like that in black?"
"You think I wouldn't have black? Man, black is the basic of any wardrobe!" Cat pulled out a matching outfit in black. "Sure you don't want it in mauve?"
"No thanks," Gurney muttered absently, disappearing to change.
Bridger clung stubbornly to his boxer shorts. "I'm not putting that on. Not now. Not ever. Not in a million years. I don't care what you do to me, I'm not wearing them."
Gurney walked back in and struck a pose. Every female on the bridge collapsed at his feet in gasping ecstasy.
Bridger turned even brighter red. "Give me those," he snapped at Cat, grabbing the Speedos.
Cat grabbed his arm. "Wait a minute. Man, you're too red to wear green. It'll clash! Opposite colors and all, you know. Here, take some dark blue ones."
Bridger disappeared. In a few minutes he came back, striking a pose similar to Gurney's. Everyone stared.
Riker cleared his throat. "Well... ah... let's go, I guess." He walked away, shaking his head. "Oh man, that poor guy..."
Outside, the blondes were shrieking in excitement as the crew came pouring out of the SeaQuest. They latched onto Apollo first, since he had been pushed out of the hatch first.
"Oh, he's sooooo cute!" one cried. Apollo smiled evilly.
But then Starbuck came out and they all went to him, more of them swimming up by the minute. "Oh my Gawd, what a fox," one said.
Riker came out and somehow managed to strike a pose in the water. Girls flocked to him. "Oh my Gawd, like, look at that chest," one said, chomping on her gum. "Like, wow, man. Look at that beard. Like, wow."
Buck Rogers came out and shouldered Riker aside. "Toooo much," a blonde cried. "Like, look at his buns! They're to die for!"
Finally, Gurney stepped out. He posed for a moment on the SeaQuest, stunning the girls. Several almost drowned, forgetting to swim. Fortunately, they also forgot to breathe. Gurney dove into the water, a perfectly executed Olympic style swan dive. Coming up, though, he seemed to have some problems.
"Oh damn," he said, looking around. "Oh damn, oh damn... where did they go?" He dove back down. A flash of white was all that was visible but the girls were swooning by droves. They converged on the spot, trying to 'help' him look for the missing article.
Finally, Bridger stepped foreword. "I can do this," he was saying, over and over. "I can do this. I can. I can. I think I can. I think..." He stepped through the hatch. Taking a deep breath, he struck the manliest pose he could think of on the SeaQuest.
There was no response for a moment. Then someone shrieked in pleasure. Bridger snapped his eyes open, looking around. For one brief minute pride filled him. Then he realized that the scream was because someone had found Gurney's G-string and was swimming away with it at top speed, to escape the hordes of other blondes. Bridger cringed in embarrassment. No one had even noticed him. He was invisible. It was worse then ridicule. Tripping over his own feet, he fell into the water.
Everyone else joined them, except for Cat, who didn't like water, and C3PO, who was still in pieces in a box, and Darwin and Ryoga who decided to get a tan on the top of the SeaQuest instead. Spotting them there, Ranma made it her mission to try splashing them. Even the Stormtrooper jumped in, though he sank instantly to the bottom. The Doctor was kept aloft by his amazing scarf. He was trying to keep his hair dry. Nurse Chapel kept doing dive by runs on him, trying to get beneath the scarf.
Bridger was sulking. No one had noticed him. He was disgraced. He could never show his face in public again. And he wasn't that bad looking, he really wasn't! He was sure of it! Ok, he didn't have a beard and he couldn't strike a pose to save his life and he didn't have an English accent, but he still wasn't bad looking.
Scott Bakula was sulking worse then Bridger. If I had my own body they'd be coming after me in droves, he thought. The ratings on my show were fantastic. I could get the girls. I know I could.
A lone blonde floated up. "Like, are you the captain of that ship?"
Bridger straightened up. Of course! I'm the Captain! I have this great ship! That's what I have that the others don't! "Why yes, I am," he said, smoothing his hair back.
"Like, wow," the blonde said, tugging up one of the straps of her itsy bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka dot bikini. She was gazing in rapt awe at the SeaQuest. "Like, totally wow. Cool." She leaned closer to him. Bridger almost suffocated from the waves caused by her motion. "Say, like, can you keep a secret?"
"Sure," Bridger said.
The blonde sighed. "Great. Listen, what kind of ship is that? Fission powered? Nuclear? What are the schematics? Could I see them? Do you have one of those new Maglevs on board'? I'm really interested."
"Ah... Ah..." Bridger struggled with the concept of a brain behind those blue eyes. "Ah... You want to see the bridge?"
Lucas suddenly popped up. "I can show you my dolphin," he offered.
The blonde gasped. "Like, I ain't that type of girl," she said, slipping back into her accent.
"I mean a real dolphin," Lucas said. "He even talks. Want to see?"
The blonde thought about it. "You have a talking dolphin? Wow. I'm studying to be a marine biologist, you know. A talking dolphin would make a great final report."
Lucas swam away, the girl in tow. "Hey, Darwin!" Bridger sighed.
Al appeared, treading water in a style that would have done Jesus proud. "Not good, Sam," he said. "I mean, the girls aren't coming to you. And if you don't get the majority of them, Ziggy says you'll be stuck here. Forever. Just bouncing from body to body."
Bridger sighed harder.
Suddenly, a lightbulb appeared over his head. "Wait!" he cried. "That's it!" He thrashed around. Water hit the lightbulb and shorted it out. "Oh damn," Bridger cried. "There it went.” But another lightbulb appeared. This time, Bridger was careful not to splash water on it. Swimming back to the SeaQuest, he climbed back up to the hatch and went inside.
Inside, he chanced a quick ride on the Mag-liftTM to Quark's bar, where the TARDIS was still parked. The Mag-liftTM and Holly whistled lewd comments the entire ride through the greater part of Russia. On the way, they picked up a man who claimed to be Professor Henry Jones but who bore a striking resemblance to the captain of the Red October who had slammed into the SeaQuest. Just to prove there were no hard feelings, though, the man taught him how to do his distinguished English accent properly.
Once out at the bar, Bridger picked the lock of the TARDIS. Inside, he looked around in confusion. Grabbing a ball of string from the console in the first room, he tied it to the door and began exploring. "How can all of this be in one tiny little telephone box?" he wondered. Finally he found what he was looking for. He knew it had to be there. He knew what England's weather was like. There was no way that the Doctor's or Ace's tans could be natural.
Ten minutes later, Bridger appeared from the TARDIS with a deep, golden tan. On the way, though, he spotted a weight room. Stopping, he looked at the Nordic Trak 50,026. It didn't look that complicated. And maybe he could work up a good, manly sweat. Girls liked that.
So he hopped onto it and set it for high speed. The attached direction book said the machine would do the rest for him. Unfortunately, the itsy bitsy fine print at the bottom said not to do it at the highest speed.
Five minutes later Bridger reeled out of the TARDIS, half a foot taller and sleekly muscled. Walking through the bar, he discovered a slip of paper that had once belonged to Data.
Bridger thought for awhile, then went and called the number, charging it to his Visa. One minute later a small roadrunner delivered his order from the NIKE catalogue, explaining that it was moonlighting.
Tanned, accented, muscled, and with his Nike pump in place, Bridger strode forth to get the girls.
Outside, it was all chaos. The girls were drifting from one hunk to another. Gurney was mostly drowned as the women fought over him. Someone had taken C3PO and Data's heads off and was playing water hockey with them. Tasha still had Data's body, though, so she didn't mind. And the blondes thought the exclamations Data's head kept making were in reference to themselves, so they didn't mind.
Bridger stepped out. He stopped and posed. A single beam of light came down and spread over his glowing tan, outlining his muscles. In a ringing English accent, he spoke.
"Bow down, you foolish mortals. I am the all mighty studley Captain of this ship. I am the ranking officer over all of these other fools. I have a better tan. I have more hair. And my Speedos are covering something bigger. I am Bridger. Come get me."
Everywhere, girls stopped what they were doing. They stopped pinching Apollo's cheeks. They stopped pinching Buck Rogers’ other cheeks. They stopped caressing Gurney's bald head. They stopped playing with Riker's beard. They stopped, and looked, and revelation came upon them. A hundred mouths slavered in lipstick dropped open. Two hundred protruding breasts heaved. And as one, they said, "Oh... Muh... Gawd."
As the girls flocked to Bridger, mobbing him, someone's voice was heard to say "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God all mighty, I'm FREE at last!" There was a blinding flash of blue light and Bridger reeled back from the mob. Screaming hordes of girls converged on him, carrying him away. He wasn't seen for ten hours.
"I hope Nike has a good warranty on that pump," Data's head commented from where it floated.
"I hope Bridger has life insurance," Gurney said.
Everyone trailed back into the SeaQuest eventually. Bridger was admitted to a nearby hospital. Lestat, as the ranking undead personage with dangerous fangs on board (He and Cat had measured. His were longer.) had seized control of the ship. "We're going to California," he announced. "ETA, fifteen minutes to the last square inch left!"
Chapter Seventeen