it's too long, I have to split it into 2 commentssaturnalia22January 7 2005, 18:14:02 UTC
1: The knowledge that every day of drudgery and unthinking busywork at my heartless corporate job is somehow a step forward - a step directly towards my goals, dreams and hopes. Knowing that, however tired I may be, if I’m able to endure eight hours of my cubicle and the idiotic chatter of the cowlike broke middle-aged women who sit around me, it will be that much money into my Canyonlands fund - that many more days closer to my apartment, my new car, and a quiet, safe place to rest my head. I don’t really care much for money - but I know that it’s become the only way this culture allows for one to live a healthy life. I see myself as building a future of peace with every day here.
2: I wish I were better with money (related to the above answer, I suppose). I tend to somehow piss all my money away, making any sort of savings seemingly impossible. I have a set money-saving plan for the next six months - now to see if I can keep it in action.
3: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I guess that says something about me… maybe. To me, the movie wasn’t so much about drug use as it was about flaunting all authority. It was about bringing yourself to complete rock bottom and going down in flames, all for the sake of a good story - for the sake of art and purity and spiritual catharsis. There’s also something about Vegas that demands narcotics. It’s always been an unreal fantasy to go on some mushroom bender through Las Vegas. Something I’ll never do, of course… but it’s always been a sort of fantasy.
4: Interesting. I suppose I would write something about chaos - about the billion random happenings that led to the bottle being found by that person on that day. It would be a novel or a message, a list beginning with the creation of matter by god or by science, through divine motion or explosion, and end with the tide patterns, the waves, and the chance of that person being there at that moment to find the bottle… simply to show how lucky that person is to have found the bottle. One in a million million millions.
5: Broken, driving through the desert much faster than I should have. Exiting Utah Hwy 9, I follow an empty predawn winding road under massive shadowy forms as the sky begins to turn a bruised dark purple. Finally, I’m there. Zion. I find a dirt lot and park my car, leaving the music (Sigur Ros’ “Agaetis Byrjum”) on. The sky gets lighter and the peaks begin to develop outlines. Then at the very moment that the music swelled to its instant peak, a blinding corner of the sun lifted above the mountain named Watchman, striking me with light and illuminating, instantly, the red and white cliffs. The light washed all pain from me, all heartache and loneliness - the closest thing to god filled my being and it was all I could do to keep from crying with pure joy. It has changed my life infinitely.
6: Four days earlier. My friends all seemed to have abandoned me completely - my calls were never returned and my phone never rang. I sat on the floor of my room, drinking vodka alone, trying not to listen to my roommate and his girlfriend fucking, and wanting so badly just to fall asleep for some six months and wake up numb. I completely came off the handle that night - if I’d had the means, I may have tried something drastic. I’m, of course, very glad I didn’t. I just lay there, drinking, listening to music, and checking my phone with shaking hands every thirty seconds for any missed calls.
7: I would want to fly. Imagine the freedom of being able to go anywhere, up or down? To get the greatest views of anything you want to see. To be untethered by gravity’s pull and be physically free in every possible way.
8: Don’t waste it - all you have in the end are memories, so do something memorable every day and make sure it’s all worth while in the end.
Re: it's too long, I have to split it into 2 commentssaturnalia22January 7 2005, 18:14:21 UTC
9: I used to own one of those old cameras that took disc film - and all I remember is taking pictures of giraffes at the LA zoo.
10: Such a long answer is needed for such a short question. Due to my own philosophical views on belief and knowledge, I can’t possibly believe in god, but I also can’t possibly NOT believe in god. I’m truly an agnostic because I simply don’t know. I think there’s something- something meaningful and powerful and moving and above human perception… whether that’s god or now, I really don’t know. I believe in something. What, I’m not sure of.
11: Bad. It’s nice to have these things, but dangerous to NEED them. What happens if the technology fails? What happens if we run out of gas and our cars don’t work? If we have a power out and are without heat during a winter storm? Technology is nice - hell, I love it - but it cannot become a necessity without taking very serious risks.
12: I’d love to be able to paint, draw, or sketch. I see so much beauty, and cameras fall far short of capturing that beauty.
13: Haha, I think I tell you too often what I think of you
14: Absolutely. I express it through writing - whether the writing of fiction, poetry, or simply jotting down my ideas in an essay form. Music helps too - but I haven’t really done much with that lately… sadly
15: I think that would have to be the canyon country that begins northeast of Las Vegas and ends around Denver. I want to experience it all - immerse myself in it and never return.
16: There is more beauty in the reflection of a cloud in a puddle on a plastic picnic tabletop than in the entire world’s population of paintings, drawings, sketches, photographs, poems, essays, prose, or drama of clouds, puddles or picnic tables combined.
2: I wish I were better with money (related to the above answer, I suppose). I tend to somehow piss all my money away, making any sort of savings seemingly impossible. I have a set money-saving plan for the next six months - now to see if I can keep it in action.
3: Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I guess that says something about me… maybe. To me, the movie wasn’t so much about drug use as it was about flaunting all authority. It was about bringing yourself to complete rock bottom and going down in flames, all for the sake of a good story - for the sake of art and purity and spiritual catharsis. There’s also something about Vegas that demands narcotics. It’s always been an unreal fantasy to go on some mushroom bender through Las Vegas. Something I’ll never do, of course… but it’s always been a sort of fantasy.
4: Interesting. I suppose I would write something about chaos - about the billion random happenings that led to the bottle being found by that person on that day. It would be a novel or a message, a list beginning with the creation of matter by god or by science, through divine motion or explosion, and end with the tide patterns, the waves, and the chance of that person being there at that moment to find the bottle… simply to show how lucky that person is to have found the bottle. One in a million million millions.
5: Broken, driving through the desert much faster than I should have. Exiting Utah Hwy 9, I follow an empty predawn winding road under massive shadowy forms as the sky begins to turn a bruised dark purple. Finally, I’m there. Zion. I find a dirt lot and park my car, leaving the music (Sigur Ros’ “Agaetis Byrjum”) on. The sky gets lighter and the peaks begin to develop outlines. Then at the very moment that the music swelled to its instant peak, a blinding corner of the sun lifted above the mountain named Watchman, striking me with light and illuminating, instantly, the red and white cliffs. The light washed all pain from me, all heartache and loneliness - the closest thing to god filled my being and it was all I could do to keep from crying with pure joy. It has changed my life infinitely.
6: Four days earlier. My friends all seemed to have abandoned me completely - my calls were never returned and my phone never rang. I sat on the floor of my room, drinking vodka alone, trying not to listen to my roommate and his girlfriend fucking, and wanting so badly just to fall asleep for some six months and wake up numb. I completely came off the handle that night - if I’d had the means, I may have tried something drastic. I’m, of course, very glad I didn’t. I just lay there, drinking, listening to music, and checking my phone with shaking hands every thirty seconds for any missed calls.
7: I would want to fly. Imagine the freedom of being able to go anywhere, up or down? To get the greatest views of anything you want to see. To be untethered by gravity’s pull and be physically free in every possible way.
8: Don’t waste it - all you have in the end are memories, so do something memorable every day and make sure it’s all worth while in the end.
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10: Such a long answer is needed for such a short question. Due to my own philosophical views on belief and knowledge, I can’t possibly believe in god, but I also can’t possibly NOT believe in god. I’m truly an agnostic because I simply don’t know. I think there’s something- something meaningful and powerful and moving and above human perception… whether that’s god or now, I really don’t know. I believe in something. What, I’m not sure of.
11: Bad. It’s nice to have these things, but dangerous to NEED them. What happens if the technology fails? What happens if we run out of gas and our cars don’t work? If we have a power out and are without heat during a winter storm? Technology is nice - hell, I love it - but it cannot become a necessity without taking very serious risks.
12: I’d love to be able to paint, draw, or sketch. I see so much beauty, and cameras fall far short of capturing that beauty.
13: Haha, I think I tell you too often what I think of you
14: Absolutely. I express it through writing - whether the writing of fiction, poetry, or simply jotting down my ideas in an essay form. Music helps too - but I haven’t really done much with that lately… sadly
15: I think that would have to be the canyon country that begins northeast of Las Vegas and ends around Denver. I want to experience it all - immerse myself in it and never return.
16: There is more beauty in the reflection of a cloud in a puddle on a plastic picnic tabletop than in the entire world’s population of paintings, drawings, sketches, photographs, poems, essays, prose, or drama of clouds, puddles or picnic tables combined.
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