Exposed Secrets

[meet_thunder]

Emails have been checked and responded to.  She talked to her boys on Skype for a few minutes.   Then she checked the various message boards and communities she belongs to.

"It's bad enough that she's dying and now this...They couldn't even wait until she's dead..."

She reads the words again and again and again.  Her heart is in her throat; she

Comments

[dc_knight]

He's still aching from last night. As broken as he is from the conversation with Jenny, he's been dealing with her moods and her choices for the past three years. Heather lost her sister last night and there's no doubt in his mind that Jenny knew she was there.

The pounding on the door and the tone in her voice shatters what is left of his composure and he blinks back a couple of tears. He runs a hand over his face, forgetting shaving and just tightens his towel around his waist and opens the door.

He knew, somehow, that when Jen told him about the ALS that he'd be the one to tell Heather. Somehow Jen would find a way to get through it all without letting anyone know until after it was all said and done. But he's seen that look on Heather's face before. Twice. There was the time when he told her he was marrying Diane and she stormed out, muttering about cowardice. The second time was when he told her his feelings for Jen were more than just for a partner. He knows that look.

Betrayal.

So he says it. He knows that if they're going to get through anything, he needs to tell her. "She has ALS. I found out myself just last week." There. The words are out in the open and he braces himself for the thunderstorm he knows is coming.

[meet_thunder]

The words hit her like a punch to the chest and she just stands there, unable to breathe. "Why am I the last to know?" she asks, her words struggling to get out around the tears. She doesn't wait for an answer before asking, "How long does she have?" She feels betrayed by the two people she cares most about, but she also feels dirty. If she had known this even a few days ago, she would have made a different choice. She wouldn't have lost her sister last night.

There's an overwhelming urge to leave him standing there in his towel and get on a plane to DC. To fix the wrongs before it's too late. She hopes it isn't already too late. And as she thinks about the conversation last night, about everything he said, she suddenly feels angry. Because he knew and he still said what he said. She tilts her head and says, "You knew," as if he'd just told her he'd robbed a bank.

[dc_knight]

"If it's any consolation, I felt the same way when she finally told me." He wants to touch her but knows she'll hit him if he does. So he moves past her, refusing to have this conversation while he stands there in a towel. Quickly, he pulls on his boxers and the jeans from last night and shrugs into a white undershirt.

He turns to face her and sits on the unmade bed, messed from their consolation love making the night before. "To answer your other questions, I don't know. She shut me down pretty quick after she told me." He doesn't want to reveal how much it bugs him that now that he knows about Jenny's ALS she seems to want him to come running back. They can cross that bridge when they get there.

"I don't know much about ALS, I don't know how far along in the process she is, and she hasn't said anything to me other than 'I'm fine.' The one to ask is Clarke." He almost chokes on the kid's name, but not out of jealousy. He has a feeling Clarke is behind Heather's finding out, and it was Jen's place to say something. Then again, everything they'd planned on seems to be falling to hell so why should this be any different.

"Heather ..." He starts but he doesn't know what to say beyond it, so he waits.

[meet_thunder]

Unlike Jen, Heather's temper runs hot and she's not above shouting at him. But it's more out of fear than actual anger. All of a sudden, she feels like she's drowning. Throwing her hands up, she yells, "I tried! He wouldn't tell me shit!" she drops her hands to her sides, "And after last night, Hell will freeze over before she even tells me what time it is!"

She can't be there anymore. She has to do something, anything, so she starts moving through the room, hunting for her boots almost frantically. She pulls one on without sitting, leaning one hand on the dresser the TV is sitting on. "This isn't worth it. Not anymore," she mumbles, trying to keep her balance as she pulls on the other boot, "She's the only sister I have, Jethro, and I can't..." The words die on her lips and sit drops onto the end of the bed. Heather is the kind of person who would willingly fall on her sword if it meant those closest to her could be happy.

[dc_knight]

For all the years of silence, he can see through her. He knows she's slipped behind her walls, that she'd rather do anything to keep Jenny and the family happy. She's sacrificed her own happiness for fifteen years. But, she isn't running. She wants to, but she isn't. He reaches across the space between them and puts his hand on hers. "I know," he says. "I'm scared too."

[meet_thunder]

She doesn't move, just stares at the carpet in front of her as she thinks. Looking up at him, she says, "So what are we supposed to do? Go to her funeral and stand there hand-in-hand?" The look in her eyes makes it clear the thought truly disgusts her and she shakes her head slowly. "I can't do that."

[dc_knight]

He doesn't break eye contact, even though part of him just wants to stare down at their hands. "I can't either. I wouldn't expect us to. But I'm ... I can't watch you walk out the door and know you aren't coming back either. I've been doing that for too long, Heather." He isn't sure how to tell her that it was Jenny's diagnosis that drove him to email her that night, to see how she was doing. It was Jenny's diagnosis that made him realize where his heart had been all these years. He doesn't know how to tell her that there's a part of himself he hates for feeling this way, but he's tired of running. He's tired of it. He doesn't know how to tell her, not yet. Not yet. They have to get to that point. So he looks at her, his hand still covering hers but not trapping her. "What do you really want, Heather?"

[meet_thunder]

"What I really want? Is to get on a plane to Washington and to hug my sister and never let go because it's been just as many years since I've seen her." She turns more so she can face him and adds, "Jethro," not realizing she's gone back to a safer name, "I will always come back. Jen won't." And saying that out loud--the realization that there will come a point where she won't get that evening phone call from Jenny--starts the sobs all over again. It doesn't matter why the calls stop, just that they will.

[dc_knight]

Instinct moves him and he wraps his arms around her, pulling her against his body. He's choking on his own unshed tears, and lowers his lips to her hair. It's unfair of him to ask her to make a choice, and if he did ask her, she'd be right to take his ultimatum and tell him to fuck himself with it. But he is so tired of watching her walk away.

"Heather ..." he sighs and holds her tighter. He knows she's right. He knows that she will always come back. But maybe that's what's bugging him. He's tired of knowing that. He's tired of waiting. Two tears escape and he blinks quickly, trying to cover them. "You know I won't keep you from trying to fix things with Jen. You know I will always be there. But I ..." his voice catches and he's worried his tears will become obvious. "I don't know if I can watch you walk out the door right now."

[meet_thunder]

She just sits there as he hugs her, not moving. She's too numb to return the hug, but when she hears the tears in his voice, she doesn't dare pull away. She doesn't want to look him in the eyes, but she needs to. She pulls back, but gathers his hands in hers and meets his eyes. She's so torn. "Then what am I supposed to do, Jethro? This with you and that with her are mutually exclusive. And honestly, I'm kind of stunned that you knew and came out here anyway."

She pauses a moment and some of the anger seeps back into her words when she adds, "Clarke was right. Couldn't even wait until she was dead to start fucking again." She avoids using a pronoun because she doesn't want to place blame solely on him, but until today, she was in the dark, and as she thinks about it, she realizes he initiated. Letting go of his hands, she says, "She could have died without knowing, but instead, you decided to be a selfish prick."

[dc_knight]

He sucks in a breath. He'd been waiting for the storm to turn again and here it is. But he's tired of being the bad guy. So he holds out his hands and shrugs.

"Yeah, Heather, I am." He can't keep the anger, or the tears, out of his voice. "I'm a selfish prick. I'm the one who said hi. I'm the one who dared to break the silence you enforced. And you know what, maybe it was Jenny's telling me she was sick that made me do it, but I don't care because her telling me she was sick made me realize what I'm tired of missing.

"Yes, I'm a selfish prick because I'm sick and tired of waiting for you to decide what you want and I'm tired of Jenny dragging me around and deciding where she wants me in her life but I don't get a goddammed say in any of it." He takes a breath and tries to keep his temper under control, but this is years in the making. "I'm tired of being the coward who had two times to ask you to stay and didn't. My timing sucks, Heather. It really sucks and I do apologize for that. I'm not apologizing for wanting you back in my life."

[meet_thunder]

She sits there in stunned silence for a moment, just looking at him. "I don't believe what I'm hearing," she finally says, "You knew she hadn't told me. You kept it quiet not because she asked you to but because you knew I wouldn't even entertain the idea if I knew about it."

"Your timing more than sucks, Jethro," she shakes her head, "I have a life. With Charles. And it's a damn good one, but I would be willing to suck up my fears and give that all up. Except your timing FUCKING sucks! And, dammit, so does hers." She stands up and faces him again.

"By all means, have your say, Jethro, but you shouldn't be here any more than I should. I should go home and enjoy what's waiting for me there because I can live with that for however long it takes the ALS to kill her. I can wait because something tells me it won't be another fifteen years." Her anger is directed at him as much as it is at Jen.

[dc_knight]

His voice is quiet when he finally speaks again, that kind of quiet where he channels all his rage and anger and frustrations not into hitting the wall or sanding his boat, but into speaking and breathing.

"We shouldn't be here because fifteen years ago we were stupid." A breath. "And if you really felt your life with Charles was a good one, you wouldn't be here." Another breath. Then another. And he stood up and walked to her and put his hands on her shoulders, looking deep into her eyes.

"And for the record, the reason that I didn't say anything was not so I could get laid. It wasn't because I knew you wouldn't entertain any notion of us if you knew Jenny was dying. I didn't say anything because I am still processing the fact that the woman I still consider my best friend, despite the way she has treated me over the past three years, is going to die. I can handle gunshots. I can handle car accidents. I can handle bombs. But Jenny is going to slowly deteriorate and die and I wasn't ready to talk about it yet. I wasn't ready to sit and talk to anyone other than my conscience about it yet. I wanted to see you. You. I didn't know what was going to come of it. I didn't know I'd take one look at you and realize what idiots we both are. Not were. Are. I didn't say anything not because it wasn't my place because if I'd been ready to talk about it, I would have told you before I even kissed you hello. Really, Heather, is this the man you think I am?"

[meet_thunder]

As he speaks, she just stands there, never looking away, and when he finishes, she stays quiet. The silence stretches on as she tries to figure out an answer for him, but she has none. She doesn't know anything anymore and what he says hits her hard. She bursts into tears again and presses herself against him, burying her face in his shoulder. "I don't know," she mumbles into the fabric of his shirt, "I don't know."

[dc_knight]

His arms move around her instinctively, holding her tight, tangling in her hair. He rocks her, almost imperceptibly, wanting to go back to make it better and partly glad that it is now all out in the open. Making a fresh start means getting all the cobwebs swept out, even if it hurts to do so. He knows her mumbling has less to do with his final question and more with the emotion she's been hit with. All in all, he has it easier. He doesn't have a spouse who has the right to fight for the kids if she leaves. He didn't lose a sister last night. "I'm right here," he finally whispers. "I'm right here."