[FIC] Raison d'être - Chapter 6 (FINAL CHAPTER) pt. 6/6
Oh my God. I'm actually finished. Finished.
Fi-ni-to. I can't believe it yet. It's kinda surreal to me right now O_o... But here it is. The long awaited (even by the author) ending for Raison d'etre. I know it's not what everyone expects, but this is what I wanted for this story, pure and simple. I'll be back by the end of the week with the edited of chapter 6 plus the epilogue in Changmin's POV. See you then my dears and please leave me lots of lovely comments with your thought on the ending.
P.S. I know the ending is a little messy and disorganized, but it'll be alot better after I edit it, I promise ^^''
It had been three months since the last time I had seen or heard from Jung Yunho. I wasn’t sure how to describe my present everyday life, but I guess most people would say it was good. Three months ago, after weeks of crazy studying, I was accepted into Changmin’s private school in Seoul after taking the entrance exam. I moved in with my dongsaeng and his family, after his parents had kindly accepted to care for me during the school year. A month later, a new semester begun and I found that attending the new school wasn’t as hard as I first thought it would be. With regular studying periods every day, I managed to keep good grades and my mother couldn’t be happier.
Though I missed Eomma immensely, I could still see her every two week or so. She frequently came to Seoul on business and she never missed the chance to come see me at Min’s house. Even if I knew she still suffered from her divorce with Yunho, I could tell she was going to be okay. Eomma was such a strong woman that it inspired me to become just like her.
But… I wasn’t so sure about how I was feeling anymore. Since I had left home, I’ve been trying my hardest not to think of Yunho and what happened between us all those months ago. Though I could feel myself sinking into depression, I fought against it with all my strength. I acted happy and managed to distract myself with during the daytime with school work and Changmin.
But when night fell and I eventually went to sleep, I was plagued with dreams of my ex-stepfather. Sometimes, they were nightmares replaying scenes from the rape over and again, and they always left me shaking in tears when I woke up. Though the worst ones were the simple dreams of Yunho’s smile, touch or kiss. Images of us embracing floated through my unconscious mind and I always awoke to the greatest of pains in my chest. It was the pain of knowing you’re missing something important, so important you think you might die without it, but realizing that you had no other choice then to live on and leave it behind.
When the pain became nearly unbearable, I would go to Changmin. He would always gather me in his arms and listen to me talk about how much I missed Yunho and how I wished to see him again. I knew Changmin hated my ex-lover to the bones for what he did to me, though he tried to hide it from me. I appreciated him soo much for everything he’s done for me in the last months and I don’t how I could ever repay my dongsaeng. I could only try to be a good hyung to him.
Today was a good day so far. Changmin and I had spent the day at school and we were now returning home. Min talked on and on about some of the exams he had that day and I quietly listened to his soft chatter. The best treatment I could have ever had after what happened with Yunho was this; being with my best friend and letting his warm and somewhat carefree nature help me heal. Allowing him to comfort me when I felt ready to break and just letting him be there for me in general was the best thing ever. Changmin was my best friend and the closest thing to a brother I could have ever wish for.
It dawned on me that we’ve arrived home when I heard Changmin’s mother’s voice calling out to us from inside their house. I blinked and shook my head to clear my dazed mind. Changmin and I were heading to the kitchen and when we stepped through the threshold, Mrs Shim turned to us with a big smile.
“Hi boys,” she greeted us warmly, “how was school?”
Changmin went on to tell her about our exams and I took the chance to take a seat at the wooden kitchen table. I sighed slightly and let myself sink deeper into my seat, deciding to relax before Min’s father and sisters came home for supper. I was about to rest my head on my crossed arms when I noticed a stack of letters on the edge of the table. I would have ignored it at first until I read the writing on the top-most envelope and realized that it was a letter for me.
Mrs Shim seemed to notice my interest for the mail when she said, “Oh yes Jaejoong, I almost forgot but there’s a letter for you”. She then reach over and handed me the plain white envelope. I took hold of it and decided to go to the living room to read it since Changmin was still talking with his mother. So I stood up and padded over to the empty room, where I sat on the plush sofa.
When I was comfortable enough, I brought the letter closer to my face and looked at the writing. It was simple and neat, but I couldn’t recognize it. I turned it over and was surprise to find no name or return address from the sender. I could tell it was a personal letter due to the handwritten address on it. I knew it couldn’t possibly be from my mother because she would just call instead of sending me a letter through the mail, so that left no other possibility.
To end all the questions my mind was posing, I simply decided to open the envelope and see what was inside. I ripped open the flap and slid my hand inside. I grasped what felt like paper and I pulled it out. It seemed like ordinary paper and there was only one sheet. I gently unfolded the paper and pried at the writing inside.
But as my eyes scan through the first few words on the page, I felt my heart stop in shock. My eyes widen in stupor as I realized who this letter was from.
It’s not possible. It’s not possible. It can’t be…
Dear Jaejoong,
I’m aware that I’m not suppose to contact you and I can assure that this will be the only and last time I ever will, but I needed to say this to you.
I know that I have no right to ask you for forgiveness or to even be writing to you at this moment. I know and accept that fact. No amount of forgiveness and “I’m sorry” could ever redeem me for what I did to you and I don’t expect your pardon. But if for nothing else, I need to say this for myself.
I’m sorry Jaejoong.
I felt myself gasp and a sob escaped from my throat as I clenched the letter in my trembling hand.
I’m so, so fucking sorry for what I did to you Jae, that I’ve come to hate myself over it. I feel like a monster and I’m disgusted. I know that saying “I don’t know what came over me” is the worst excuse, but it’s true. I just felt so angry that night because of the problems I was having with your mother that I took my anger out on the first person available. And that was you.
I stared surprised through teary eyes at Yunho’s words and felt confused. My mother and him were having trouble?
But I want you to know that happened was not, and never will be your fault. Do you understand me, Kim Jaejoong? It. Was. Not. Your. Fault. Never was and never will be.
My sobs became stronger and I was closed my eyes to try and stop my tears, but it didn’t help. So I continued reading his letter with a shaky inhale of breath.
I know you well enough to know that you’ll blame yourself for this, but please don’t. It would break my heart to know that you’re torturing yourself over this because me more then you’ve already have. You may believe my words or not, but I really did love you and I wanted and still want you to be happy.
And I want you to also understand that I did love your mother and I still do. I’m not completely sure what happened to us, but MyungHee and I drifted apart in the last months of our marriage and I terribly regret having not tried harder to fix it. I can honestly say that trying to salvage my marriage with your mother and hurting you will probably be the biggest mistakes of my life and I will have to live with those regrets.
I will finish with saying that I’m moving to America in a few days’ time to pursue a modelling career there and I will never see or bother you again. I’m doing this for me, you and your mother. It’s in all our best interests.
Again, I’m sorry and I hope you can one day forgive me and move on to be happy in life.
Jung Yunho.
My hands were shaking so badly by the time I finished reading the letter that I was barely able to make out Yunho’s handwriting. But every single word of the white sheet of paper in my hands was forever imprinted in my mind, like a burn mark scorned into my skin for life. I could replay every phrase, word per word, despite having only read it once. How could I ever forget any of Yunho’s words, especially said this way? Honestly, how could I ever forget anything about the older man whom I loved with all my heart?
I’m sorry and I hope you can forgive me and move on to be happy in life.
How dare you say that to me Yunho? How could you expect me to just move on with my life after you came in it and mad a complete mess of my feelings and myself; after you’ve showed me the highest of heaven and the lowest of hell and taught me to feel alive again. The memories of you and what we shared together be it good or bad will never disappear from my mind.
I felt myself crying again and I couldn't restrain myself. I sobbed as my hands clutched my ex-stepfather’s letter to my aching chest, which felt like it had shattered. My body hurt with a pain that had nothing to do with physical wounds. Sometimes, wounds of the heart could hurt so much more…
“Jaejoong hyung?” I barely registered Changmin’s call through my pain-dazed mind before two arms wrapped themselves around me. Surprised, I pushed my dongsaeng away and I saw the flash of hurt and surprise in his otherwise warm brown eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel sorry for once. I didn’t want to be touched at that moment because I feared that it would finally break me completely…
“Hyung, what happened?” Changmin carefully asked as he inched closer to me. I didn’t answer and I saw his gaze go to the floor where I had dropped Yunho’s letter. Before I could react, Min picked it up and scanned through the first words, his face darkening with a mix of anger and hurt.
“Why did you read this?” he asked with a voice that sounded suspiciously close to tears. “Hyung, why are you torturing yourself like this? You told me you would try-”
- “I can’t,” I whispered, my tone void. “I can’t forget him Min; I loved him too much for that.” My voice cracked a bit, “I still love him so fucking much. Oh my God…”
Tears overflowed again and I noticed that Changmin was crying too; looking at me with pain in his eyes, them having no trace of their earlier anger. We simply stood there crying, looking at each other for a way to end this cycle of hurt. Then suddenly, with determination bright in his eyes, my dongsaeng clenched the letter in his hand and moved to the doorway of the living room.
In an abrupt wave of panic, I jumped up and ran after him, catching the letter-holding hand in mine.
“Where are you going?” I whispered, as if afraid that talking louder would cause a disaster to happen.
“I’ve got to destroy this, hyung,” Changmin replied, his voice tinged with desperation. “You can’t keep torturing yourself with memories of him…” His eye welled with fresh tears, “Please hyung, it hurts to see you in such pain because of this jerk.”
And in that moment of desperation, my mind overtook my body. I gripped Min’s hand tightly in my grasp, so much so that it caused him to give a small surprised cry and he let go of the paper. Before it could even flutter to the floor, I snatched hold of it and dashed out of the living room. I ahead to the front door, ignoring the calls of Changmin and his mother who had since me zoom past the kitchen on my way. pHpoH
I was out the door and running down the street before my mind could even register what I was doing. I just continued my crazy pace, my heart pounding so hard in my chest. I couldn’t now, for I knew if I did my pain would come back to me full force. So I had to run.
I ran for a long time, maybe 20 or so minutes before I finally came out of the suburban part of town and crashed head long into the crowded streets of downtown Seoul during the evening rush. I moved past workers and school children as they made their way home from a long day at work or school. The people moved around me as I rushed by them, without so much as a glance to me despite my crazed demeanour. It made me realized how much people didn’t care for the well-being of others as long as it didn’t affect them directly. It hurt to see people so indifferent…
But I didn’t delve on that for long because I realized that I couldn’t run another step without fainting. So I slowly dragged myself from the crowd and gripped onto the guardrails lining the street. I had stopped on a busy industrial road where many commercial car and trucks passed by. I glanced around my surroundings in this part of town I had never visited in my short time here and realized that I was lost. I looked up at the buildings to try and find some familiar landmark to help orient myself but I found nothing. Until that is my eyes landed on this billboard and the image on it killed my already broken heart. Fate couldn’t be that cruel was what I always thought, but it seemed today was the day I was meant to be proven wrong about everything.
Just like how I thought that I could get over my feelings for Yunho… But I had been so wrong. I closed my eyes and let my despair wash over me. Who had I been trying to kid when I said I could get over this, get over my disgusting feelings of love for my mother’s ex-husband. I was weak beyond belief and I was a fool to ever trust my own words. I was an idiot and an awful son for betraying my mother’s love and I was a bastard for hurting my best friend.
I opened my eyes again and dully gazed at the busy road before me. My grip on the guardrail tightened and I pulled myself over the metal barrier until I was standing on the edge of the sidewalk. I took a deep breath and put one foot forward.
I could never let my mother trust me again after all I did.
I took another step.
I could never look at Changmin and ignore the pain I caused him through my own pain.
And another step.
There’s only one way to end this now and it should have been done long ago.
And two more steps.
I looked up at the billboard and smiled sadly as the picture of Yunho, dressed and groomed for a sports advertisement, smiled down at me with that gorgeous smile of his. I took the final step and closed my eyes one more time, but not before a single tear rolled down my cheek.
You were my reason to live, ma raison d’être, and now you’re gone and I am nothing…
Yunho, I love you.
“JAEJOONG HYUNG!”
Crash.
Hello and welcome to the 7 o’clock morning news report. Yesterday, tragedy hit downtown Seoul when a young man lost his life early in the evening. The boy, identified as 15 year-old Kim Jaejoong by a witness at the scene, was tragically killed when he was hit by an oncoming 18 wheeler. Kim, it seems, jumped over the guardrail lining the street and ran to the middle of the road, where an 18 wheeler hit him after failing to stop in time. The boy was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics and a friend of his, who identified him, had told police about running after Kim following an earlier argument. It is unclear as to if Kim Jaejoong-sshi jumped in the road instinctually to escape his friend or intentionally for something else. The story is still unclear and the boy’s mother, famous businesswoman Kim Myung-Hee, refused to release any further details to the press. We hope to understand more about the causes of Kim Jaejoong’s tragic death in the future and we send our best regards to his mourning family and friends.