[FIC] Raison d'être - Chapter 6 (FINAL CHAPTER) pt. 3/6
I blinked at the soft light emitting from the bedside table lamp and groaned a bit. Something suddenly touched my arm gently and I warily turned my head to see what it was. I gasped at the sight before me and I blinked a few more times to assure myself that what I was seeing was real. I reached a shaky hand up to touch a soft cheek and whispered the name of the person before me in a teary tone.
“Changmin-ah?” His wide brown eyes held mine with a tender look.
- “Jae hyung…”
My second hand joined the first as I pulled Changmin towards me, my eyes not believing the sight before them. He was really here? My best friend, whom I had missed for so many months now, was finally here beside me? I touched my forehead to his and closed my eyes, my tears overflowing freely. No matter how tired I was of crying, I couldn’t help it now at that moment.
My dongsaeng wrapped his arms tightly around me and I leaned forward to return his embrace with just as much strength. We stayed like that for the longest time, just holding on to each other like we used to do in our younger years. I still couldn’t believe that he was now here, but deep down, I was enormously overjoyed by his presence. It made me feel like I wasn’t completely alone in this hell I’ve called life for the past few days.
We finally pulled apart when our muscles began to cramp and we remained there, simply gazing at each other. Changmin gave me a sad kind of smile and touch my bandaged temple gently. “Oh hyung,” he said softly, “what did you get yourself into to cause this?”
I looked away, ashamed of the still visible marks left on my body. I wish that they could just go away, so I could start to forget…
“Jae-ah, your Eomma called me and my parents.”
I snapped my head up and stared at Min in the eyes, almost horrified at what my mother could have told him. “What did she tell you, Min-ah?” I asked quietly, trying to calm myself internally. What would be Changmin’s reaction to the truth about what happened between me and Yunho? I’m not sure I was ready for that…
“She didn’t tell us much,” the younger man replied with a frown. “She simply said that you had been attacked and you were in the hospital. She wanted me to come down here and talk with you because she was really worried about how you’re coping with everything.” He sighed. “So my parents, who were also really worried about you, boarded me on the first train ride here from Seoul and I’ve been waiting ever since for you to wake up.”
- “You came all the way out here just for me?” I asked timidly.
- “It’s not that big of a problem hyung,” Changmin reassured me with a squeeze of his hand on mine, “it’s Friday and we have the whole weekend. I’ll just go back on Sunday night. Luckily the train ride is only about three hours or so.”
I nodded, grateful for my dongsaeng’s devotion and care. We remained silent for a while, unsure of what to say next. I myself had no idea where to start in my long tale. But I secretly wished that Changmin wouldn’t ask about it. Though I knew that I couldn’t be that lucky…
“Hyung?”
I looked into his eyes and answered softly, “Yeah?”
- “What happened?”
My eyes clenched shut and I sighed. I was hoping for this moment to never arrive, but I guess I was left with no real choice. How could I lie to my best friend and dongsaeng? I looked at Changmin again. He knew absolutely nothing about my and Yunho’s real relationship and I was terrified that the truth would scare him away. I swallowed pass the lump forming in my throat and said, “Hyung loves you. You know that right Minnie-ah?”
Min nodded fervently and lung forward to hug me tightly. “I love you a lot too Jae,” he said next to my ear. I closed my arms around him and buried my face in his warm neck, fresh tears threatening to well up. I pressed him close to me as I whispered against his skin, “Hyung’s so afraid that if you knew the truth, you would come to hate him. And I couldn’t bear to have you hate me Min-ah…”
-“I could never hate you Jae-hyung!” Changmin pulled back abruptly and gave me a scandalized look, “How could you even think of that!?”
I gave a small sad smile and touched his cheek. “I’m sorry,” I apologized before sighing a little. “I was just worried…” Then I glanced back into his eyes and asked, “But do you really want to know what happened?”
He nodded and I continued, “But it’ll be a long story and complicated story”.
- “It’s ok, I have time,” he assured with a smile and another gentle squeeze of my hand. There was another long minute of inner debate in me before I lowered my head and whispered, “It’s all began with Yunho, my stepfather…”
And for the first time in a very long time, I poured my heart out to Changmin and told him everything that happened between me and my ex-stepfather. And I mean absolutely everything. Starting from the first moment Yunho looked at me with lust-filled eyes to the horrible incident that happened mere days ago. I told him every single thought that had crossed my mind concerning the older man and every emotion I had felt. As I started explaining what happened the night Yunho raised his hand to me in violence, my tired body unconsciously begun trembling. It was only when Min gathered my hand in his did I realized how hard I was shaking. Just rethinking of those moments when Yunho snapped scared me to the core. But worst of all it made me want to cry and beg him to tell me why he did that to me…
When I finished my story, I silently held my breath. I feared to look at Changmin’s face and see his reaction. I quickly gripped his hand more tightly, afraid that he might run away at any moment. But silence filled the long minutes as they passed and I decided that it would be safe to glimpse at my dongsaeng’s expression. I almost wanted to cry as I saw the confusion and shock in his wide eyes. Oh my God, what had I done by telling him..?
Changmin gently pulled his hand away from mine and stood up to step away from the bed (and me). He went to stand by the window and I felt a sob build in my throat at the fear I was feeling. Was he disgusted by me? Did he now think I was just a dirty boy who willingly had sex with his stepfather like some low-rate whore? Did he hate me?
I wrapped my arms around myself and closed my eyes before silently praying. A long time passed as a small tension in the room lingered and I became too afraid to open my eyes again, fearing that I might see Changmin gone. But another few moments passed by and a quiet whisper sounded.
“Did you really have sex with Yunho-sshi, Jae-hyung?”
I opened my teary eyes and looked at my dongsaeng’s back as he remained still by the window. I swallowed hard before replying softly, “Yes I did Changmin-ah. He’s was my first lover and he was so kind and gentle…”
I stopped myself as the lump in my throat threaten to choke me. I pushed back the memories trying to surface in my mind and waited for Changmin’s reaction. There was a pause before he asked in a calmer voice, “And you loved him?”
I gently nodded my head before realizing that Min couldn’t see me and I said a quiet “Yes” instead. I saw him shake his head to show he heard me and the silence came back once again between us. It was a long and awkward tension and I pleaded for it to end quickly.
Suddenly, Changmin turned around to face me and our gazes locked before he asked a simply but painful question.
“Do you still love Yunho-sshi Jae-hyung, despite what he did to you?”
“And you Changmin-ah,” I asked quietly as I stared into his eyes, “would you come to hate and be disgusted by me if I said yes?”
~*~*~*~* Author's note *~*~*~*~
Ok so some of my readers told me that Changmin's reaction to JJ's secret was a little too "light". And when I re-read it, I had to agree with them >_>... So I went back and re-wrote it. Now hopefully it's a bit better ^^;; But this isn't the final version yet (the edited version is coming really really soon... >_>).
SO please give me your opinions. Did I do better? ^^;;