(no subject)
don't wanna talk or be a party more than one for the rest of my blessed days. when you're around i want to kiss you to prove myself wrong. maybe i am worth it to you for the moments you're fine with standing still. it's only what's around me that gives me meaning because i don't take it upon myself to choose. i think i'm set when i'm still, but in the spotlights i'm at the mercy of your scrutiny. i think about all the things your parents might have taught you and all the books you read and classes and lectures. i think about how i'm none of those things and wonder how anyone can just be okay with that. obscurity and mediocrity are words that i try to erase from the dictionaries held by my sometimes ugly hands. i'm careless carefully trying to care less. i want what i want, but i don't know of any great reason why. i don't know why i need great reasons anymore. it's more about the process than the logic. when i would hit these snags i used to reexamine the history of my entire life to find out why, but young as i am, i'm too old to have any faith in that process anymore.
minute by minute, it's crumbling puzzles and stacking cards. letting your smile eyes drop like a guillotine only to redeem them when a glance feels right. i'll be a ghost until the telephone alarms shock me back to life. i'll be a puppet at your disposal for a night and then i'll retreat, strings tangled up in themselves, back into my attic of broken antiques, my library of return receipts. i'm not a soldier if i can't fight your battle, i can't hold you because i can't hold myself together. i quit when i can feel myself trying.