I've never T'edGIF more in my life.
Let me take a moment to talk about Office Food. Now, I am rife with pet peeves, I admit that. But I am not entirely convinced that all of my pet peeves are born of irrationality. For instance:
Part I: Crunchy Foods. Sure, some of the world’s most delicious foods are crunchy. Baked Cheetos - crunchy. Pickles - crunchy. < insert crunchy food > - crunchy. Lately, however, it seems I have been inundated with people eating crunchy foods at their desks. CM-bot-t-minus-whatever-‘til-nuptuals eats carrots and caramel corn in the cube next door. Admin-bot across the row starts off the day by chewing on some ice. She also always has a bag of corn chips or even (ACK!) kettle chips at her desk, which she pulls out just as the phones are quieting down in the afternoon. Perhaps she thinks she is performing a public service by attempting to fill the sound void. But, personally, that’s not a void I care to have filled. I mean, seriously, you guys… can’t you just gum up some bread or something?? Done just right (this afternoon Admin-bot took about 5 minutes getting one chip into her mouth) crunchy foods are almost as bad as nail clipping.*
Part II: Stupid and/or Nauseating Foods.
Prime Offender: Co-bot 1.0 (formerly Lead Co-bot)
Co-bot 1.0 has been on the Fatkins Diet since before I started here nearly 3 years ago. This essentially means that she eats large portions of the grossest part of every food group, bread group not excluded (I include mayonnaise in the bread group because it goes on bread). I once saw her gut two 6” Subway subs (provided by the company during some stupid thing), making a pile of lettuce, cheese and 3 kinds of meat on her plate and leaving the delicious oven-fresh bread in a mangled lump on a separate plate. She then proceeded to empty the contents of approximately 5-13 mayonnaise packets onto the meat pile and stir it around. She then ate it and I blarfed. Well, not really. But I nearly did blarf on another occasion when I happened by her desk and saw her eating what appeared to be the amorphous blob monster from Willow ground up and slathered in parmesan cheese. The concoction smelled pretty much like my apartment did that time my cooking project partner accidentally left raw chicken hidden under a pile of plastic bags in my pantry for a week.
Part III: What Snacks Aren’t. Please don’t lure me away from the internet with the promise of “free snacks” if by snacks you mean pork rinds and snow peas. Thank you.
* A recent transmission from one of my P-bot allies indicates that Co-bot 5.0 has taken to clipping her toenails at her desk. Read that back: TOENAILS.
Part I: Crunchy Foods. Sure, some of the world’s most delicious foods are crunchy. Baked Cheetos - crunchy. Pickles - crunchy. < insert crunchy food > - crunchy. Lately, however, it seems I have been inundated with people eating crunchy foods at their desks. CM-bot-t-minus-whatever-‘til-nuptuals eats carrots and caramel corn in the cube next door. Admin-bot across the row starts off the day by chewing on some ice. She also always has a bag of corn chips or even (ACK!) kettle chips at her desk, which she pulls out just as the phones are quieting down in the afternoon. Perhaps she thinks she is performing a public service by attempting to fill the sound void. But, personally, that’s not a void I care to have filled. I mean, seriously, you guys… can’t you just gum up some bread or something?? Done just right (this afternoon Admin-bot took about 5 minutes getting one chip into her mouth) crunchy foods are almost as bad as nail clipping.*
Part II: Stupid and/or Nauseating Foods.
Prime Offender: Co-bot 1.0 (formerly Lead Co-bot)
Co-bot 1.0 has been on the Fatkins Diet since before I started here nearly 3 years ago. This essentially means that she eats large portions of the grossest part of every food group, bread group not excluded (I include mayonnaise in the bread group because it goes on bread). I once saw her gut two 6” Subway subs (provided by the company during some stupid thing), making a pile of lettuce, cheese and 3 kinds of meat on her plate and leaving the delicious oven-fresh bread in a mangled lump on a separate plate. She then proceeded to empty the contents of approximately 5-13 mayonnaise packets onto the meat pile and stir it around. She then ate it and I blarfed. Well, not really. But I nearly did blarf on another occasion when I happened by her desk and saw her eating what appeared to be the amorphous blob monster from Willow ground up and slathered in parmesan cheese. The concoction smelled pretty much like my apartment did that time my cooking project partner accidentally left raw chicken hidden under a pile of plastic bags in my pantry for a week.
Part III: What Snacks Aren’t. Please don’t lure me away from the internet with the promise of “free snacks” if by snacks you mean pork rinds and snow peas. Thank you.
* A recent transmission from one of my P-bot allies indicates that Co-bot 5.0 has taken to clipping her toenails at her desk. Read that back: TOENAILS.