3 weeks of solitude
He left to China today. Well, his plane hasn't left yet.... but he should be leaving his house right about now.
That means I now have 3 weeks without Lauren or Keith. Mostly that means three weeks to myself.
In those three weeks, I plan to drive and get my license, find a job, get more money, etc etc.
Last night he was out partying. With a bunch of girls and one other guy. He slept at some girl's house.
I don't know if anything happened. Maybe, Maybe not. But that's not the point. He lied to me.
At one thirty he texted me saying he's at home and about to to go to sleep.
Bullshit.
He was still out partying and drinking with those people. He's bad at lying to me. Maybe just lying in general.
But it was obvious nonetheless. Especially because he came over this morning reeking of alcohol.
As we were talking I realized that it wasn't completely his fault he had to lie to me. I always make him feel bad
and guilty for hanging out with his other friends. Especially his female ones. I'm always scared he's going to realize
he likes them more than just that. That's just it.
I'm always scared.
I'm scared that he's going to find someone new and really leave me.
I'm scared that he's going to cut me out of his life.
I'm scared that he's going to do all this before he realizes that I"m the one that he wants.
Before he left this morning, he said "I love you." I said "Really?"
He replied, "Mm.. Not as much as you, though." with a smirk. I smiled back and said good bye.
It's true. I love him enough to accept anything he's done in the past.
I love him enough to accept anything he might do as long as he tells me.
And I love him enough to let him go and do whatever he wants. But that doesn't mean I'm not scared.
Like I said I'm still scared of all those things I stated before, but I love him. So I have to get over those fears
so that he can be happy and live a life that he wants. I just want him to be happy. I love him enough to put
aside any feelings, thoughts, emotions I have, in order for him to live a happy life.
That's love, people. What he feels for me is the standard, I care for you, I don't want to hurt you.
He hasn't reached a point yet where I'm the person he would put everything aside for.
We talked about the future. We talked about how he wants to marry me; or someone like me.
We talked about how even if I find someone else, and he realizes that he wants me back, he'd take me back.
We talked about how even if he finds someone else, I'd wait for him because I believe we're meant to be.
But everything we talk about is so much easier said than done.
Especially on my part.
I still have a lot of growing up to do. He still has a lot of "growing" to do. I have to be more mature and be comfortable and trust him hanging out with other girls. He has to be more mature at handling problems and not just giving up and throwing them away.
I want to be there when he does. And he said that he wants to be there when I grow up and change and become more independent.
I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know what will happen once I go to college.
But I do know that I will always love him. And no one will ever love him like I do because I'm the girl for him.
One-sided love isn't always too bitter. Mine's a one-sided love too; because I love him more.