Contemplating
If any of you were true friends you'd:
- Worry about me, or at least ask what's up if I was feeling down.
- Sometimes, you guys know that I'm down. And I know you know. But you guys don't bother to ask. Even if I said, "Nothing" or "I'm just tired," you'd at least give me a concerned look. If you cared. I'm not asking for bickering and constant checkups to see if I'm okay. But it would be nice to get a "what's up? Have you been okay lately?" It seems like most of the time you guys are always just.. idk. You see that I'm down, or someone else is down, and you think it's too much work or hassle to deal with so you don't do anything. Actually more so you guys might even be like "ugh, here she goes again." If you can hear me being down in my voice on the phone when you call get me to come out. Think that maybe I need to be convinced to get out and have fun.
- Who cares if society would see what I'm doing is wrong? Have you ever heard of people say, "a friend would bail you out of jail, but a best friend would be sitting in the cell with you saying 'that was wicked!'" I know it's a bit cheesy, but I think that's a good saying. It's true. A true friend would be by your side no matter what. That's what friends do, support each other. That's part of what friends are for, isn't it? To have fun with each other, help each other out, look out for each other, and support. Simply put, I think true friendship is unconditional support.
- this kind of goes hand-in-hand with the previous one. But if you had a true friend, you'd be loyal to them. Like you guys would be loyal to me. If you thought I was a true friend. But if you honestly think that not choosing and taking all that you can get is being a good friend, I don't know. For me, that's a little hard to respect. I'm not making you choose. I won't make you choose. I don't even think you need to. Some of you already have each other has a life-long friend. I've never been able to get that with any of you.
Honestly, I know that you guys aren't bad people. I know that you guys do think and care about your friends. Sometimes, I just don't know if you guys are truly people that I can keep and grow old with. Not like, as a lover, no. Duh. But you know... Like I said, life-long friend, you know? I used to feel like we could all just.... even if we were to not have contact with each other for a while, we can call each other up, all have lunch together and catch up. Maybe that's what needs to happen right now. Because once again, as always, I'm getting left behind in all your guys' lives.
That's all there is to it. I feel like you're leaving me behind.