i DoN'T LiKe LiFe RiGhT NoW
lately i've been feeling kind of distant. from people, from life... emotionally and physically. well, being physically distant from people can lead to being emotionally distant, but thats not the point here.
i kind of feel alone in a sense that the people around me aren't on the same page as me when it comes to life. i'm not saying that we have to be living the same kind of life, but more like, whatever i'm going through right now or whatever is happening to me, i'm going through it alone cuz no one else would understand how i feel. One friend is ending her college years; i did that. another is under the pressure of applications for grad school; i'm not quite there yet. another just started college, another transfered to a 4yr college, one is full on working, another is on a pursuit of finding a job cuz they know what they wanna do etc... so me, being in whatever status you can call it, do not fall under any category. i'm in limbo once again and i just feel like there's no one to turn to -- ok its not that i can't turn to people. i know i can. i have very sincere friends whom i can rely on -- its more of the fact that since people aren't on the same page as i am i dont wanna bother them with my issues/non existent issues...watever. a part of me feels like its a waste cuz they wouldn't understand. the point is that i think this brave face that i like putting on has just cracked a tad. time is against me and i dont know where to start to pick up the pace.
throughout college i had a buddy who suffered with me - my roommate. when i had family issues another friend went through a similar story. when i had friend issues there was someone who understood my side. However now, i'm not gung-ho about grad school, i dont know what to do with myself in career terms, i have this unique case in the friendship dept, and my family issues can be turned into a novel. some are able to come to me for advice on school cuz i did that. others came to me cuz they need a shoulder to cry on - i don't mind that at all. i'm actually flattered. but who can i turn to? who's gonna understand me?
this could be a case where maybe i just dont want the help. its my reserved side which thinks and really believes that i can and should get through this alone (but i wanna share what i think). its my life and my responsibility, so don't go off crying and feeling sorry for yourself (which btw i dont think i've ever felt that way. or i dont recall ever feeling sorry for myself. i'm not sure if i know what thats like). i'm in this rut cuz i put myself here; get out of it on your own. OR maybe i really dont know who i can turn to. for those who are close to me and read this, i know ur thinking, you know you can come to me, i'm ur friend, i'm here to listen, etc. and i really really appreciate that, but thats not it. sometimes i think that there's no one who would know what to say to make me feel better about this and motivate me to move forward. i know it'll be difficult to completely understand me so maybe i have no choice BUT to do it on my own.
maybe i'm lazy. maybe i'm stubborn. maybe i'm not as open minded as i thought i was.
can't i just be that kid who only has to worry about running away from the wave so it doesn't hit my feet?
i kind of feel alone in a sense that the people around me aren't on the same page as me when it comes to life. i'm not saying that we have to be living the same kind of life, but more like, whatever i'm going through right now or whatever is happening to me, i'm going through it alone cuz no one else would understand how i feel. One friend is ending her college years; i did that. another is under the pressure of applications for grad school; i'm not quite there yet. another just started college, another transfered to a 4yr college, one is full on working, another is on a pursuit of finding a job cuz they know what they wanna do etc... so me, being in whatever status you can call it, do not fall under any category. i'm in limbo once again and i just feel like there's no one to turn to -- ok its not that i can't turn to people. i know i can. i have very sincere friends whom i can rely on -- its more of the fact that since people aren't on the same page as i am i dont wanna bother them with my issues/non existent issues...watever. a part of me feels like its a waste cuz they wouldn't understand. the point is that i think this brave face that i like putting on has just cracked a tad. time is against me and i dont know where to start to pick up the pace.
throughout college i had a buddy who suffered with me - my roommate. when i had family issues another friend went through a similar story. when i had friend issues there was someone who understood my side. However now, i'm not gung-ho about grad school, i dont know what to do with myself in career terms, i have this unique case in the friendship dept, and my family issues can be turned into a novel. some are able to come to me for advice on school cuz i did that. others came to me cuz they need a shoulder to cry on - i don't mind that at all. i'm actually flattered. but who can i turn to? who's gonna understand me?
this could be a case where maybe i just dont want the help. its my reserved side which thinks and really believes that i can and should get through this alone (but i wanna share what i think). its my life and my responsibility, so don't go off crying and feeling sorry for yourself (which btw i dont think i've ever felt that way. or i dont recall ever feeling sorry for myself. i'm not sure if i know what thats like). i'm in this rut cuz i put myself here; get out of it on your own. OR maybe i really dont know who i can turn to. for those who are close to me and read this, i know ur thinking, you know you can come to me, i'm ur friend, i'm here to listen, etc. and i really really appreciate that, but thats not it. sometimes i think that there's no one who would know what to say to make me feel better about this and motivate me to move forward. i know it'll be difficult to completely understand me so maybe i have no choice BUT to do it on my own.
maybe i'm lazy. maybe i'm stubborn. maybe i'm not as open minded as i thought i was.
can't i just be that kid who only has to worry about running away from the wave so it doesn't hit my feet?