we gon party like it's your birthday
Title: The Start Of Something (Beautiful)
Character/s: Tony Hill, Kevin Geoffries, Paula McIntyre. Mentions of Alex and Liam Kirwan.
Spoilers: Nothing in particular I don’t think
Word Count: 2500
Disclaimer: I don’t own shit.
Summary: Kevin, Paula and Tony go over some game prep before meeting Alex for drinks, on her birthday.
A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIFEY!!!!!!!!!! I SINCERELY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS RIDICULOUSNESS.
“She’s late.”
“Mate. Relax. It’s her birthday drinks. She’ll be here.”
“Yes, Kevin, but she’s late. What is she gets held up in her meeting?”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Tony. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you, Paula. Thank you.”
“So, have you got your game plan down, mate?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Your game plan. Your system of approach. Your… method of attack.”
“Who exactly am I supposed to be attacking, Kevin?”
“The boss. Obviously. What’s your initial approach?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Kevin.”
“He means, Tony, how are you going to approach Alex? When she arrives, how are you going to greet her?”
“Does… does it matter?”
“Mate, trust me. It matters.”
“Oh. Oh, well… what should I do? What would you suggest, Kevin?”
“Jesus, don’t ask him, he hasn’t had a girlfriend in years.”
“Oi! Yeah, well. Let’s just say-”
“Are you going to kiss her, Tony?”
“Kiss her!? How… how do you mean?”
“When she comes in. You should kiss her.”
“Should I? What, I should just launch myself at her?”
“Well, no. I was thinking more along the lines of a kiss on her cheek, as opposed to just shoving your tongue down her throat without so much as a hello.”
“Yeah, I don’t think Dr K would appreciate seeing that very much.”
“Sorry?”
“Never mind. Anyway Paula’s right. You’ve got to kiss her.”
“I… I’ve never kissed her before. What if she thinks it’s suspicious?”
“Suspicious!?”
“You’ve never kissed her?! What, you’ve never kissed her on the cheek? To say hello? Or goodbye? Or anything?”
“No. Should I have?”
“Bloody hell. What’re we working with here, Kev?”
“A bloody nightmare, Paula, that’s what. How can you not have snogged her, Tony?”
“It’s… the opportunity has never presented itself, I guess.”
“Mate, the opportunity presents itself every single bloody day.”
“Yeah, the opportunity usually presents itself in tight skirts and tops with lots of… um, cleavage.”
“Paula!”
“Sorry, Tony.”
“Well, she’s got a point, Tony. The opportunity can be… a bit obvious.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“Oh. Okay. If you say so. So, what should I do? Kiss her on the cheek? Which cheek?”
“Oh, for pity’s sake-”
“It doesn’t matter which cheek, Tony. Just.. when she arrives, stand up-”
“Of course I’ll stand up when she arrives! I’m not a complete Neanderthal, Paula!”
“We know you’re not, Tony. As I was saying, stand up, smile at her, lean toward her and kiss her on the cheek. Simple. Easy.”
“Effective.”
“How is any of that simple and easy?”
“What, you don’t want to kiss her?”
“I.. Well… Oh, of course I bloody well do.”
“Yeah. Figured. And you know what else you should do, mate?”
“What? Get down on bended knee and propose to her right there?”
“Wouldn’t be a bad idea.”
“Paula, you’re not helping.”
“Sorry.”
“What should I do, Kevin?”
“I cannot believe you’re looking to him for romantic guidance, Tony. I mean, honestly-”
“Oi! Would you shut it?”
“Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Kev. Go on.”
“Thank you! As I was saying, when you go in for the snog, you gotta put your hand on her waist.”
“Wh… what?”
“Put your hand on her waist! Just… grab a hold of her as you’re kissing her cheek. Not hard or anything, just gently.”
“Oh, good on you for adding that clarification.”
“Paula.”
“Sorry! I’ll just stay quiet and listen, shall I?”
“Chance would be a fine thing. Yeah, so. Touch her waist. As you lean in. Like… like this.”
“Wait, Kev, are you going to… Oh. Yeah. You are going to kiss Tony. Okay, then.”
“You’re a very good kisser, Kevin.”
“Thanks, mate.”
“Bloody hell. I need another drink.”
“So I should do that? Lean in, put my hand on her waist, and kiss her cheek?”
“Yep. Definitely.”
“And.. what do I say? As I’m doing all of this? Alex’ll think it’s highly suspicious, you know. And you know what she’s like when she’s suspicious of something.”
“Yeah. But I don’t think she’ll hit you, Tony.”
“No, hitting’s not going to be on the agenda.”
“Not that kind of hitting, anyway.”
“Sorry?”
“Never mind, Tony. Carry on, Kev.”
“Thanks so much for your permission, Paula. Anyway, you say… well, you just smile, and say ‘Happy birthday, Alex.’ And maybe throw in something about how gorgeous she looks, too.”
“Oh. I’m not very good at that.”
“Somehow I’m not surprised.”
“Nah, you’ll be fine, mate! Women love that kind of thing! Shut up, Paula. Just… smile at her, give her an appreciative look or two, kiss her, touch her waist, and wish her a happy birthday. And tell her she looks hot.”
“I’m not sure hot is a very sensible option, Kevin. I don’t want to get slapped in the face.”
“Mate. She is not going to slap you. If it was anyone else, maybe. But not you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“He’s right, Tony. You know she lets you get away with anything. You’ll be fine.”
“Like what? What does Alex let me get away with?”
“Like… like last week, when she was wearing that red top.”
“What red top?”
“Yeah. That red top.”
“Oh, Kev, she’s your boss. Have some respect.”
“What?! I do respect her! Doesn’t mean a bloke can’t appreciate a hot chick, Paula. It doesn’t mean there’s any less respect going on. You women do it all the time.”
“Oh, yes, you do. I’m constantly feeling objectified.”
“Really, Tony?”
“Well, maybe not constantly.”
“Hmmm. Anyway, yeah. The red top.”
“What red top?”
“The one with the cleavage.”
“Now, really, I have to object. I don’t approve of the direction this conversation is taking.”
“Did you hear that, Paula? Tony doesn’t approve of talking about Alex’s cleavage.”
“There goes a pig, Kev. Outside. Flying past the window.”
“Flappin’ its little piggy wings.”
“Yes, alright, that’s quite enough. I take your point, both of you. What is it I’m supposed to have done, in this particular incident involving the red top?”
“Well, umm… You, err…”
“You had a look, Tony. Like everyone did. It’s not your fault. Paula had a look too.”
“You bet I did.”
“Yeah, me too. And it was the happiest day of Liam’s year so far, I reckon.”
“Why do you keep mentioning Dr Kirwan, Kevin?”
“Never mind, Tony. Anyway, the point is-”
“The point is, everyone else who checked out the boss in that red top earned themselves a death glare.”
“With lasers.”
“You know the one she does.”
“Yes. I know.”
“Yeah. Everyone got one of those for their trouble. Except-”
“Except for you.”
“All you got, Tony, was a beaming bloody smile, and some extra leaning forward for good measure.”
“You lucky bastard.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“No, well. You wouldn’t.”
“You were too distracted by the red top.”
“And anyway, you never notice, do you?”
“I never notice what exactly?”
“Well, how… nice she is. To you. In comparison to everyone else.”
“What?!”
“I mean, it’s not like she’s a total cow-”
“No, total cow status is usually reserved for Monday mornings and sometimes Thursday afternoons when she has the ACC meeting.”
“Yeah, the rest of the time she’s pretty okay, but… well…”
“She can be a bit… sharp.”
“A bit… cutting.”
“A bit… bitchy.”
“Now, really, this is just unnecessary and I shan’t stand for it. Please don’t talk about Alex in such a way, you two. She’s your superior. And she’s my best friend. I won’t have anyone referring to her as… bitchy.”
“Yeah, but… she is. Sometimes.”
“Sometimes. Except she’s not to you, Tony.”
“Yeah. To everyone but you, actually.”
“She’s pretty bloody nice to you, really.”
“Really?”
“Really. Like I said, she lets you get away with a lot.”
“Including checking out her boobs in that red top.”
“And you’re the most obvious about it, too. That’s the funny part. You always get caught, and she still doesn’t mind.”
“Well, I… what do you mean, I always get caught?”
“She always catches you, mate. She sees you at it. But she doesn’t tell you off.”
“Or give you a laser death glare.”
“Or anything. She just lets it go. She even… looks like she’s enjoying it, a bit. Sometimes.”
“Really? She catches me?”
“What, did you think you were being subtle, mate?”
“Tongue hanging out of your mouth doesn’t usually indicate subtlety, Tony.”
“I never have my tongue hanging out of my mouth!”
“Metaphorically speaking, mate, you do.”
“For sure.”
“All the time.”
“Which is fine, because she likes it.”
“Yeah. Everyone else is in deep shit if she catches us-”
“Us?”
“Yeah, well, there’s no point pretending we’re not all having a look, is there? She got nice, uh…”
“Best stop while you’re ahead, Kev.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Anyway, the point is… What’s the point again?”
“The point is, she’s not going to get mad at you for kissing her cheek and touching her waist.”
“And telling her she looks hot. Except don’t say hot.”
“What do I say?”
“Say… beautiful. Or gorgeous. Or something like that.”
“Just don’t say nice.”
“Oh, God yeah. Don’t say nice, whatever you do.”
“Nice is bad?”
“Nice is bad, mate. Really bad.”
“Yeah, don’t go there, Tony.”
“Oh. Okay. So, not ‘nice’, then.”
“Yeah. Nice is like signing your own death warrant.”
“Death of your sex life, anyway.”
“Yeah, no bloke ever got his leg over after saying his missus looked ‘nice’.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“Okay. So. Let’s… can we just run through this one more time? When Alex walks in, I… stand up, kiss her…”
“Smile at her first. As she’s coming toward you.”
“And throw in some appreciative looks.”
“Not offensively appreciative. Just nicely appreciative.”
“I thought nice was bad.”
“Only when you say it out loud.”
“Yeah, it’s okay to think it.”
“Okay. So, stand up, smile, look appreciately at her…”
“Then, when she comes close-”
“Lean over, put your hand on her waist…”
“And kiss her.”
“And tell her she looks beautiful.”
“Or gorgeous.”
“Or whatever.”
“Actually, you know what?”
“What?”
“Don’t tell her she looks beautiful.”
“Don’t tell her?! Why not? Honestly, I’m beginning to get confused-”
“What’re you on about, Paula? Beautiful is a good option.”
“Yeah, no, I know. What I mean is, don’t tell her she looks beautiful, Tony. Tell her she is beautiful. Emphasis on the ‘is’.”
“Bloody hell. This is genius, this is. You should be taking notes, Tony.”
“I think I should, really.”
“Yeah. It’s no good telling her she looks beautiful-”
“Yeah, then she’ll assume that you think she doesn’t always look beautiful all the time.”
“What!? How does that make sense?”
“It’s just… the way women think, mate. Trust me. And trust Paula. She’s a chick.”
“Thanks so much for noticing, Kev.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“What?”
“Nothin’. Anyway, yeah. This stuff is gold! Tell her she’s beautiful.”
“Why shouldn’t I say she looks beautiful? I didn’t quite get that bit.”
“Because, she’ll assume that you’re surprised that she looks beautiful-”
“Which implies she doesn’t look beautiful all the time.”
“That tonight is an exception.”
“And you don’t want that, mate.”
“No. No, I suppose I don’t.”
“You definitely don’t.”
“So. I stand up, smile, look appreciatively but not offensively at her, lean over, touch her waist, kiss her cheek, tell her she’s beautiful. Is that it?”
“Well. That’s the beginning.”
“The beginning?!”
“Yeah. This is a process, mate.”
“A process?!”
“Yeah. It takes time, mate, to woo the ladies.”
“Oh, Christ. Say ‘woo’ again, Kev.”
“No. Shut up.”
“Look, I… I really appreciate the effort, you two, I really do, but… I’m not sure I can handle all of this. I’m not even sure I’ll remember it all.”
“You’ll be fine, mate. It’ll come naturally to you, in the moment.”
“Yeah. It might all seem a bit… clinical right now, but when she’s here-”
“Looking smoking hot-”
“You’ll be fine. Just… relax. Try not to worry about it.”
“Try to act natural, mate.”
“Act natural!?”
“Yeah. Natural. It’ll be fine.”
“And… what do I do after that? After I smile and look appreciatively and kiss her and touch her waist and tell her she looks, no, tell her she is beautiful? What do I do once I’ve done all that?”
“Have a bloody rest, I think.”
“And a drink.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. We’ll go and get drinks, and with any luck Liam won’t have arrived yet, so two can sit down all cosy-like and have a little chat.”
“Actually, you should probably wait until we’re gone before you tell her she’s beautiful.”
“No, wait, you can’t change things around now! I’ve only just got it straight in my head!”
“Yeah, she’s right, mate. Don’t say anything-”
“Just wish her happy birthday-”
“Until we go and get the drinks. Just… wait until you’ve sat down-”
“Nice and cosy, mate.”
“And then look at her-”
“Appreciatively-”
“And tell her she’s beautiful.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I do mean it!”
“Yeah, we know. But make sure it sounds like you do.”
“Yeah. Maybe you should whisper it.”
“Whisper? That sounds rather lecherous.”
“Well, not whisper. Just… say it a bit quiet.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I do bloody well mean it!”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“We know.”
“She is beautiful.”
“Yeah. She is, mate.”
“She’s very beautiful. She’s… the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“Paula, would you listen to that?!”
“It’s writing itself, Kev.”
“Bloody brilliant. Tell her that, Tony.”
“What?! That she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen? No. No, I couldn’t possibly tell her that.”
“Yeah, no. Maybe save that line for later on.”
“It’s not a line! It’s the truth!”
“We know, mate. We know.”
“Now, she should be here any second.”
“Have another shot, Tony.”
“Another one?!”
“Steel the nerves. It’s good for you.”
“How is straight vodka good for anyone?”
“It’s good when you’ve got wooing to do, apparently.”
“Shut it, Paula. I’m old-fashioned. I happen to like the term ‘wooing’. Got a problem with that, have you?”
“Oh, no. Not at all.”
“Alright. God, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, but you feel better, right?”
“Don’t let me get drunk, Kevin.”
“I won’t, mate. Don’t you worry. I got your back.”
“We’ve got your back, Tony.”
“Yeah. We’re on your side, mate.”
“Are you?”
“Of course we are! Team Tony Hill, all the way.”
“All the way to the grand finals, mate.”
“What are the grand finals?”
“Oh, you know what they are, mate.”
“Yes, I suppose I do. But hang on.”
“What?”
“If you two are on my team, then…”
“Then what?”
“What other teams are there? Who am I playing against? What’s going on?”
“Never mind, Tony.”
“Yeah, it never pays to think about the opposition too much.”
“What opposition!?”
“Eye on the prize, mate. Eye on the prize.”
“Positive thinking, Tony.”
“Right. Right. Eye on the prize. Onwards and upwards.”
“Exactly. Here. One more drink.”
“For luck.”
“Bloody hell.”
“You’ll do fine, mate.”
“You’ll be great, Tony.”
“Can’t wait for the wedding.”
“What wedding!?”
“Oooh! Look sharp, Tony!”
“Here she comes!”
“Bloody hell.”
“Here we go, here we go, here we go…”
“Go, son! Do us proud!”
“Good luck, Tony!”
“Alex! Hi.”
“Is he going to do alright, Kev?”
“Have some faith, Paula. He’ll be bloody brilliant.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“He’s got us doin’ all the hard yards for him.”
“Yeah. I guess. We’re not very good at relationships, though. Are we?”
“Speak for yourself, Paula.”
“Fair enough.”
“I need some nuts.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“Beer nuts. A snack. To munch on. While we’re watching the show.”
“The Tony Hill show.”
“It’s a romantic comedy.”
“A comedy of errors, more like.”
“Nah, come on. Look! He grabbed her waist!”
“Oooh! Look at that kiss! Bloody hell!”
“Geez, you wouldn’t credit it, would you?”
“The guy can be smooth, Kev.”
“I can’t believe he was taking tips from me.”
“Me neither.”
“This is gonna be good, Paula.”
“I know. I know, Kev. This is going to be the start of something beautiful.”
“And just think. It’s all down to you and me. Maybe they’ll name their kids after us.”
“Somehow I doubt it.”
“Gotta live in hope, Paula.”
“Yeah. You’re right, Kev.”
“Oh, wait. Here we go. We’re on, Paula.”
“Lights, camera…”
“Action!”
“Ha! Action. That’s what we‘re aiming for, I guess.”
“Fingers crossed. Come on.”
Character/s: Tony Hill, Kevin Geoffries, Paula McIntyre. Mentions of Alex and Liam Kirwan.
Spoilers: Nothing in particular I don’t think
Word Count: 2500
Disclaimer: I don’t own shit.
Summary: Kevin, Paula and Tony go over some game prep before meeting Alex for drinks, on her birthday.
A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY WIFEY!!!!!!!!!! I SINCERELY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS RIDICULOUSNESS.
“She’s late.”
“Mate. Relax. It’s her birthday drinks. She’ll be here.”
“Yes, Kevin, but she’s late. What is she gets held up in her meeting?”
“I’m sure it’ll be fine, Tony. Don’t worry.”
“Thank you, Paula. Thank you.”
“So, have you got your game plan down, mate?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Your game plan. Your system of approach. Your… method of attack.”
“Who exactly am I supposed to be attacking, Kevin?”
“The boss. Obviously. What’s your initial approach?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Kevin.”
“He means, Tony, how are you going to approach Alex? When she arrives, how are you going to greet her?”
“Does… does it matter?”
“Mate, trust me. It matters.”
“Oh. Oh, well… what should I do? What would you suggest, Kevin?”
“Jesus, don’t ask him, he hasn’t had a girlfriend in years.”
“Oi! Yeah, well. Let’s just say-”
“Are you going to kiss her, Tony?”
“Kiss her!? How… how do you mean?”
“When she comes in. You should kiss her.”
“Should I? What, I should just launch myself at her?”
“Well, no. I was thinking more along the lines of a kiss on her cheek, as opposed to just shoving your tongue down her throat without so much as a hello.”
“Yeah, I don’t think Dr K would appreciate seeing that very much.”
“Sorry?”
“Never mind. Anyway Paula’s right. You’ve got to kiss her.”
“I… I’ve never kissed her before. What if she thinks it’s suspicious?”
“Suspicious!?”
“You’ve never kissed her?! What, you’ve never kissed her on the cheek? To say hello? Or goodbye? Or anything?”
“No. Should I have?”
“Bloody hell. What’re we working with here, Kev?”
“A bloody nightmare, Paula, that’s what. How can you not have snogged her, Tony?”
“It’s… the opportunity has never presented itself, I guess.”
“Mate, the opportunity presents itself every single bloody day.”
“Yeah, the opportunity usually presents itself in tight skirts and tops with lots of… um, cleavage.”
“Paula!”
“Sorry, Tony.”
“Well, she’s got a point, Tony. The opportunity can be… a bit obvious.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“Oh. Okay. If you say so. So, what should I do? Kiss her on the cheek? Which cheek?”
“Oh, for pity’s sake-”
“It doesn’t matter which cheek, Tony. Just.. when she arrives, stand up-”
“Of course I’ll stand up when she arrives! I’m not a complete Neanderthal, Paula!”
“We know you’re not, Tony. As I was saying, stand up, smile at her, lean toward her and kiss her on the cheek. Simple. Easy.”
“Effective.”
“How is any of that simple and easy?”
“What, you don’t want to kiss her?”
“I.. Well… Oh, of course I bloody well do.”
“Yeah. Figured. And you know what else you should do, mate?”
“What? Get down on bended knee and propose to her right there?”
“Wouldn’t be a bad idea.”
“Paula, you’re not helping.”
“Sorry.”
“What should I do, Kevin?”
“I cannot believe you’re looking to him for romantic guidance, Tony. I mean, honestly-”
“Oi! Would you shut it?”
“Yeah, sorry. Sorry, Kev. Go on.”
“Thank you! As I was saying, when you go in for the snog, you gotta put your hand on her waist.”
“Wh… what?”
“Put your hand on her waist! Just… grab a hold of her as you’re kissing her cheek. Not hard or anything, just gently.”
“Oh, good on you for adding that clarification.”
“Paula.”
“Sorry! I’ll just stay quiet and listen, shall I?”
“Chance would be a fine thing. Yeah, so. Touch her waist. As you lean in. Like… like this.”
“Wait, Kev, are you going to… Oh. Yeah. You are going to kiss Tony. Okay, then.”
“You’re a very good kisser, Kevin.”
“Thanks, mate.”
“Bloody hell. I need another drink.”
“So I should do that? Lean in, put my hand on her waist, and kiss her cheek?”
“Yep. Definitely.”
“And.. what do I say? As I’m doing all of this? Alex’ll think it’s highly suspicious, you know. And you know what she’s like when she’s suspicious of something.”
“Yeah. But I don’t think she’ll hit you, Tony.”
“No, hitting’s not going to be on the agenda.”
“Not that kind of hitting, anyway.”
“Sorry?”
“Never mind, Tony. Carry on, Kev.”
“Thanks so much for your permission, Paula. Anyway, you say… well, you just smile, and say ‘Happy birthday, Alex.’ And maybe throw in something about how gorgeous she looks, too.”
“Oh. I’m not very good at that.”
“Somehow I’m not surprised.”
“Nah, you’ll be fine, mate! Women love that kind of thing! Shut up, Paula. Just… smile at her, give her an appreciative look or two, kiss her, touch her waist, and wish her a happy birthday. And tell her she looks hot.”
“I’m not sure hot is a very sensible option, Kevin. I don’t want to get slapped in the face.”
“Mate. She is not going to slap you. If it was anyone else, maybe. But not you.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
“He’s right, Tony. You know she lets you get away with anything. You’ll be fine.”
“Like what? What does Alex let me get away with?”
“Like… like last week, when she was wearing that red top.”
“What red top?”
“Yeah. That red top.”
“Oh, Kev, she’s your boss. Have some respect.”
“What?! I do respect her! Doesn’t mean a bloke can’t appreciate a hot chick, Paula. It doesn’t mean there’s any less respect going on. You women do it all the time.”
“Oh, yes, you do. I’m constantly feeling objectified.”
“Really, Tony?”
“Well, maybe not constantly.”
“Hmmm. Anyway, yeah. The red top.”
“What red top?”
“The one with the cleavage.”
“Now, really, I have to object. I don’t approve of the direction this conversation is taking.”
“Did you hear that, Paula? Tony doesn’t approve of talking about Alex’s cleavage.”
“There goes a pig, Kev. Outside. Flying past the window.”
“Flappin’ its little piggy wings.”
“Yes, alright, that’s quite enough. I take your point, both of you. What is it I’m supposed to have done, in this particular incident involving the red top?”
“Well, umm… You, err…”
“You had a look, Tony. Like everyone did. It’s not your fault. Paula had a look too.”
“You bet I did.”
“Yeah, me too. And it was the happiest day of Liam’s year so far, I reckon.”
“Why do you keep mentioning Dr Kirwan, Kevin?”
“Never mind, Tony. Anyway, the point is-”
“The point is, everyone else who checked out the boss in that red top earned themselves a death glare.”
“With lasers.”
“You know the one she does.”
“Yes. I know.”
“Yeah. Everyone got one of those for their trouble. Except-”
“Except for you.”
“All you got, Tony, was a beaming bloody smile, and some extra leaning forward for good measure.”
“You lucky bastard.”
“I don’t remember that.”
“No, well. You wouldn’t.”
“You were too distracted by the red top.”
“And anyway, you never notice, do you?”
“I never notice what exactly?”
“Well, how… nice she is. To you. In comparison to everyone else.”
“What?!”
“I mean, it’s not like she’s a total cow-”
“No, total cow status is usually reserved for Monday mornings and sometimes Thursday afternoons when she has the ACC meeting.”
“Yeah, the rest of the time she’s pretty okay, but… well…”
“She can be a bit… sharp.”
“A bit… cutting.”
“A bit… bitchy.”
“Now, really, this is just unnecessary and I shan’t stand for it. Please don’t talk about Alex in such a way, you two. She’s your superior. And she’s my best friend. I won’t have anyone referring to her as… bitchy.”
“Yeah, but… she is. Sometimes.”
“Sometimes. Except she’s not to you, Tony.”
“Yeah. To everyone but you, actually.”
“She’s pretty bloody nice to you, really.”
“Really?”
“Really. Like I said, she lets you get away with a lot.”
“Including checking out her boobs in that red top.”
“And you’re the most obvious about it, too. That’s the funny part. You always get caught, and she still doesn’t mind.”
“Well, I… what do you mean, I always get caught?”
“She always catches you, mate. She sees you at it. But she doesn’t tell you off.”
“Or give you a laser death glare.”
“Or anything. She just lets it go. She even… looks like she’s enjoying it, a bit. Sometimes.”
“Really? She catches me?”
“What, did you think you were being subtle, mate?”
“Tongue hanging out of your mouth doesn’t usually indicate subtlety, Tony.”
“I never have my tongue hanging out of my mouth!”
“Metaphorically speaking, mate, you do.”
“For sure.”
“All the time.”
“Which is fine, because she likes it.”
“Yeah. Everyone else is in deep shit if she catches us-”
“Us?”
“Yeah, well, there’s no point pretending we’re not all having a look, is there? She got nice, uh…”
“Best stop while you’re ahead, Kev.”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Anyway, the point is… What’s the point again?”
“The point is, she’s not going to get mad at you for kissing her cheek and touching her waist.”
“And telling her she looks hot. Except don’t say hot.”
“What do I say?”
“Say… beautiful. Or gorgeous. Or something like that.”
“Just don’t say nice.”
“Oh, God yeah. Don’t say nice, whatever you do.”
“Nice is bad?”
“Nice is bad, mate. Really bad.”
“Yeah, don’t go there, Tony.”
“Oh. Okay. So, not ‘nice’, then.”
“Yeah. Nice is like signing your own death warrant.”
“Death of your sex life, anyway.”
“Yeah, no bloke ever got his leg over after saying his missus looked ‘nice’.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. Really.”
“Okay. So. Let’s… can we just run through this one more time? When Alex walks in, I… stand up, kiss her…”
“Smile at her first. As she’s coming toward you.”
“And throw in some appreciative looks.”
“Not offensively appreciative. Just nicely appreciative.”
“I thought nice was bad.”
“Only when you say it out loud.”
“Yeah, it’s okay to think it.”
“Okay. So, stand up, smile, look appreciately at her…”
“Then, when she comes close-”
“Lean over, put your hand on her waist…”
“And kiss her.”
“And tell her she looks beautiful.”
“Or gorgeous.”
“Or whatever.”
“Actually, you know what?”
“What?”
“Don’t tell her she looks beautiful.”
“Don’t tell her?! Why not? Honestly, I’m beginning to get confused-”
“What’re you on about, Paula? Beautiful is a good option.”
“Yeah, no, I know. What I mean is, don’t tell her she looks beautiful, Tony. Tell her she is beautiful. Emphasis on the ‘is’.”
“Bloody hell. This is genius, this is. You should be taking notes, Tony.”
“I think I should, really.”
“Yeah. It’s no good telling her she looks beautiful-”
“Yeah, then she’ll assume that you think she doesn’t always look beautiful all the time.”
“What!? How does that make sense?”
“It’s just… the way women think, mate. Trust me. And trust Paula. She’s a chick.”
“Thanks so much for noticing, Kev.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“What?”
“Nothin’. Anyway, yeah. This stuff is gold! Tell her she’s beautiful.”
“Why shouldn’t I say she looks beautiful? I didn’t quite get that bit.”
“Because, she’ll assume that you’re surprised that she looks beautiful-”
“Which implies she doesn’t look beautiful all the time.”
“That tonight is an exception.”
“And you don’t want that, mate.”
“No. No, I suppose I don’t.”
“You definitely don’t.”
“So. I stand up, smile, look appreciatively but not offensively at her, lean over, touch her waist, kiss her cheek, tell her she’s beautiful. Is that it?”
“Well. That’s the beginning.”
“The beginning?!”
“Yeah. This is a process, mate.”
“A process?!”
“Yeah. It takes time, mate, to woo the ladies.”
“Oh, Christ. Say ‘woo’ again, Kev.”
“No. Shut up.”
“Look, I… I really appreciate the effort, you two, I really do, but… I’m not sure I can handle all of this. I’m not even sure I’ll remember it all.”
“You’ll be fine, mate. It’ll come naturally to you, in the moment.”
“Yeah. It might all seem a bit… clinical right now, but when she’s here-”
“Looking smoking hot-”
“You’ll be fine. Just… relax. Try not to worry about it.”
“Try to act natural, mate.”
“Act natural!?”
“Yeah. Natural. It’ll be fine.”
“And… what do I do after that? After I smile and look appreciatively and kiss her and touch her waist and tell her she looks, no, tell her she is beautiful? What do I do once I’ve done all that?”
“Have a bloody rest, I think.”
“And a drink.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah. We’ll go and get drinks, and with any luck Liam won’t have arrived yet, so two can sit down all cosy-like and have a little chat.”
“Actually, you should probably wait until we’re gone before you tell her she’s beautiful.”
“No, wait, you can’t change things around now! I’ve only just got it straight in my head!”
“Yeah, she’s right, mate. Don’t say anything-”
“Just wish her happy birthday-”
“Until we go and get the drinks. Just… wait until you’ve sat down-”
“Nice and cosy, mate.”
“And then look at her-”
“Appreciatively-”
“And tell her she’s beautiful.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I do mean it!”
“Yeah, we know. But make sure it sounds like you do.”
“Yeah. Maybe you should whisper it.”
“Whisper? That sounds rather lecherous.”
“Well, not whisper. Just… say it a bit quiet.”
“Like you mean it.”
“I do bloody well mean it!”
“Yeah, sorry.”
“We know.”
“She is beautiful.”
“Yeah. She is, mate.”
“She’s very beautiful. She’s… the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.”
“Paula, would you listen to that?!”
“It’s writing itself, Kev.”
“Bloody brilliant. Tell her that, Tony.”
“What?! That she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen? No. No, I couldn’t possibly tell her that.”
“Yeah, no. Maybe save that line for later on.”
“It’s not a line! It’s the truth!”
“We know, mate. We know.”
“Now, she should be here any second.”
“Have another shot, Tony.”
“Another one?!”
“Steel the nerves. It’s good for you.”
“How is straight vodka good for anyone?”
“It’s good when you’ve got wooing to do, apparently.”
“Shut it, Paula. I’m old-fashioned. I happen to like the term ‘wooing’. Got a problem with that, have you?”
“Oh, no. Not at all.”
“Alright. God, that’s awful.”
“Yeah, but you feel better, right?”
“Don’t let me get drunk, Kevin.”
“I won’t, mate. Don’t you worry. I got your back.”
“We’ve got your back, Tony.”
“Yeah. We’re on your side, mate.”
“Are you?”
“Of course we are! Team Tony Hill, all the way.”
“All the way to the grand finals, mate.”
“What are the grand finals?”
“Oh, you know what they are, mate.”
“Yes, I suppose I do. But hang on.”
“What?”
“If you two are on my team, then…”
“Then what?”
“What other teams are there? Who am I playing against? What’s going on?”
“Never mind, Tony.”
“Yeah, it never pays to think about the opposition too much.”
“What opposition!?”
“Eye on the prize, mate. Eye on the prize.”
“Positive thinking, Tony.”
“Right. Right. Eye on the prize. Onwards and upwards.”
“Exactly. Here. One more drink.”
“For luck.”
“Bloody hell.”
“You’ll do fine, mate.”
“You’ll be great, Tony.”
“Can’t wait for the wedding.”
“What wedding!?”
“Oooh! Look sharp, Tony!”
“Here she comes!”
“Bloody hell.”
“Here we go, here we go, here we go…”
“Go, son! Do us proud!”
“Good luck, Tony!”
“Alex! Hi.”
“Is he going to do alright, Kev?”
“Have some faith, Paula. He’ll be bloody brilliant.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“He’s got us doin’ all the hard yards for him.”
“Yeah. I guess. We’re not very good at relationships, though. Are we?”
“Speak for yourself, Paula.”
“Fair enough.”
“I need some nuts.”
“Beg your pardon?”
“Beer nuts. A snack. To munch on. While we’re watching the show.”
“The Tony Hill show.”
“It’s a romantic comedy.”
“A comedy of errors, more like.”
“Nah, come on. Look! He grabbed her waist!”
“Oooh! Look at that kiss! Bloody hell!”
“Geez, you wouldn’t credit it, would you?”
“The guy can be smooth, Kev.”
“I can’t believe he was taking tips from me.”
“Me neither.”
“This is gonna be good, Paula.”
“I know. I know, Kev. This is going to be the start of something beautiful.”
“And just think. It’s all down to you and me. Maybe they’ll name their kids after us.”
“Somehow I doubt it.”
“Gotta live in hope, Paula.”
“Yeah. You’re right, Kev.”
“Oh, wait. Here we go. We’re on, Paula.”
“Lights, camera…”
“Action!”
“Ha! Action. That’s what we‘re aiming for, I guess.”
“Fingers crossed. Come on.”