February?
i honestly cannot believe it's February. i was sitting at my computer, fannying about with what i usually do online (namely TheSuperficial and Facebook) and decided, hey, it's been a while, why don't i write more gibberish in that online-journal-thingy. so, imagine my surprise when i realized that the last entry i wrote was on January 8th. it both amazed and disgusted me. i decided that today i would write an extra long post just to make up for that lost time.
i'm ashamed to admit that when time gets tough...i don't get tougher. in fact - and this is just between me and you - i secretly plan escape routes to other countries where i can try to ignore all my problems. there have been times, while writing papers or studying for midterms or after a horrible argument with someone i love, when i would go online, look up a trip on Expedia or Travelocity and just imagine what it would be like to be enjoying a latte in a corner cafe in Paris, or reading a particularly interesting book on the London tube, OR tanning on the ruins in Athens (ok, i'm well aware that i would never be allowed to do that, but one can dream, right?). there have been a few instances where i calculate how much i would need to work in order to pack-up and leave.
a few seconds ago, i was looking up hotels in Playa Del Carmen because i'm really nervous about writing my education application. so far, i've managed to fill out the majority of my applications, get my reference letters, and apply for a copy of my transcript, but just staring at the white, empty box where my essay is to go makes my stomach do really, really uncomfortable flip-flops. i know being negative is not a good attitude to have and i'm well aware that it could hinder my chances of getting in, but i just can't seem to help it. it feels as though every choice i've made, whether it was good or bad, has led up to this very moment and i feel as though i'm going to let myself down. i want it so incredibly bad that it actually scares me to even type out my essay for fear that i'm not doing it right. it's times like these when i'm genuinely envious of those who can write whatever comes to mind without hesitation or reservation.
in addition to this, just reflecting back on the last few months, i've really let myself down. i stopped working out, i've hardly read any new books, i've been financially irresponsible, i've been overly emotional and i've become really dependent on my boyfriend. the only conclusion i can come up with is that i'm just really unhappy with myself and it shows in the way i've been treating my family, my friends and my boyfriend. i've thrown many irrational temper tantrums with my family and Mark and i've distanced myself from my close friends, finding solace in my television set or my bed rather than being socially available. to tell you the truth, i'm not sure what the problem is here. i'm not angry with anyone, i don't hate anyone, and i don't wish anyone ill. so if any of you read this and you've been attacked by me in some sort of way (which wasn't justified), i'm sorry. i can accept that everyone goes through something like this every now and then, i guess this is just my turn.
...well, i've kind of burnt out my brain tonight and i'm not even really sure what i rambled on and on about, but i feel kind of better and more relaxed. so thanks, for reading, or whatever. :)
i'm ashamed to admit that when time gets tough...i don't get tougher. in fact - and this is just between me and you - i secretly plan escape routes to other countries where i can try to ignore all my problems. there have been times, while writing papers or studying for midterms or after a horrible argument with someone i love, when i would go online, look up a trip on Expedia or Travelocity and just imagine what it would be like to be enjoying a latte in a corner cafe in Paris, or reading a particularly interesting book on the London tube, OR tanning on the ruins in Athens (ok, i'm well aware that i would never be allowed to do that, but one can dream, right?). there have been a few instances where i calculate how much i would need to work in order to pack-up and leave.
a few seconds ago, i was looking up hotels in Playa Del Carmen because i'm really nervous about writing my education application. so far, i've managed to fill out the majority of my applications, get my reference letters, and apply for a copy of my transcript, but just staring at the white, empty box where my essay is to go makes my stomach do really, really uncomfortable flip-flops. i know being negative is not a good attitude to have and i'm well aware that it could hinder my chances of getting in, but i just can't seem to help it. it feels as though every choice i've made, whether it was good or bad, has led up to this very moment and i feel as though i'm going to let myself down. i want it so incredibly bad that it actually scares me to even type out my essay for fear that i'm not doing it right. it's times like these when i'm genuinely envious of those who can write whatever comes to mind without hesitation or reservation.
in addition to this, just reflecting back on the last few months, i've really let myself down. i stopped working out, i've hardly read any new books, i've been financially irresponsible, i've been overly emotional and i've become really dependent on my boyfriend. the only conclusion i can come up with is that i'm just really unhappy with myself and it shows in the way i've been treating my family, my friends and my boyfriend. i've thrown many irrational temper tantrums with my family and Mark and i've distanced myself from my close friends, finding solace in my television set or my bed rather than being socially available. to tell you the truth, i'm not sure what the problem is here. i'm not angry with anyone, i don't hate anyone, and i don't wish anyone ill. so if any of you read this and you've been attacked by me in some sort of way (which wasn't justified), i'm sorry. i can accept that everyone goes through something like this every now and then, i guess this is just my turn.
...well, i've kind of burnt out my brain tonight and i'm not even really sure what i rambled on and on about, but i feel kind of better and more relaxed. so thanks, for reading, or whatever. :)