Sometimes when I'm feeling rubbish
I remind myself that so far this year:
The romantic relationship I have been most of my adult life has ended. Yes it's been replaced with the most awesome friend ever (kind of), but my relationship has ended and I don't feel that has been really been acknowledged enough. The only reason we never did get married is because I could not imagine myself a bride. I know now that it was because of my gender and not because of the relationship.
I've dashed across the country to try and be supportive for my girlfriend when her family started to fall apart (to put it mildly). After hearing the hurt from a reduction in her already poor health.
In april I was told that I by July I could expect to have had, or at least have a date, for my chest surgery. Now in september I not only have yet still to have even a date for chest surgery but I don't think I'll have a date until next year. And possibly won't get a date until after april. I don't have funding. I don't have funding on a made up technicality and a lie. Not only is this horrible enough but the longer I go without chest surgery the worse my dysphoria gets, causing depression. I have been having nightmares about being forced to detransition.
And to top everything off the resultant depression has had an affect on my work. And with a new version of email my work email inbox has my old name. I was having panic attacks yesterday as it seemed my nightmares were coming true.
And yesterday my ex, my best friend, my housemate (one person) who is a self-employed craftsman has managed to cut his hand and severe a nerve.
It's no small wonder that I feel emotionally and physically exhausted and that I'm suffering from horrible depression again. I'm going to the GP friday to get back onto anti-depressants. Otherwise I am just going to try and get on with stuff.
The romantic relationship I have been most of my adult life has ended. Yes it's been replaced with the most awesome friend ever (kind of), but my relationship has ended and I don't feel that has been really been acknowledged enough. The only reason we never did get married is because I could not imagine myself a bride. I know now that it was because of my gender and not because of the relationship.
I've dashed across the country to try and be supportive for my girlfriend when her family started to fall apart (to put it mildly). After hearing the hurt from a reduction in her already poor health.
In april I was told that I by July I could expect to have had, or at least have a date, for my chest surgery. Now in september I not only have yet still to have even a date for chest surgery but I don't think I'll have a date until next year. And possibly won't get a date until after april. I don't have funding. I don't have funding on a made up technicality and a lie. Not only is this horrible enough but the longer I go without chest surgery the worse my dysphoria gets, causing depression. I have been having nightmares about being forced to detransition.
And to top everything off the resultant depression has had an affect on my work. And with a new version of email my work email inbox has my old name. I was having panic attacks yesterday as it seemed my nightmares were coming true.
And yesterday my ex, my best friend, my housemate (one person) who is a self-employed craftsman has managed to cut his hand and severe a nerve.
It's no small wonder that I feel emotionally and physically exhausted and that I'm suffering from horrible depression again. I'm going to the GP friday to get back onto anti-depressants. Otherwise I am just going to try and get on with stuff.