(no subject)
July 29, 2003
1:02 AM
mommy -
I just got offline, went to bed, but I can’t sleep. that’s been the case the past couple of nights, due to my weird sleep cycle and also, because I’ve been lying awake thinking about some things.
as I laid in bed and looked around my room at all my stuff that’s packed up, it hit me. I’m really going to go to college. all those months, weeks, days that I’ve been waiting to start the new chapter in my life, and in less than 48 hours it’s going to be happening. even though I keep saying I’m nervous, that I’m scared, that I hope I’ll be okay, I know I will be.
why? it’s because of you.
yeah. you.
I look back at this past year and I can’t think of anyone who’s been there for me more than you have. you have allowed me to grow, and become the person I am today. you deserve credit for my success, my achievements, my personality, my sense of humor, my intelligence, my fire, my wit, my blue eyes - all of me. who I am today is because of you. and you only.
you gave me leeway. you let me screw up so many times.
you’ve given me so much. so, so, so much.
you’ve taken me out to mother-daughter dinners more times than I can count.
you’ve brought me almost everything I’ve asked for. and more.
you let me go to rochester. twice, and even when i come home with a broken heart.
you’ve forgiven me for every bad thing I’ve done. every single bad thing.
you’ve shaped your life around me, and amanda. we came first. always.
you’ve taken care of everything - ssi, dvr, helping me with college stuff.
you’ve put up with every ounce of my bullshit. and you didn’t.
you didn’t give me a curfew.
you listened when I talked. even if it was just stupid drivel.
you held me when I cried. and trust me, I cried a lot this year.
you hugged me when I needed affection. you never thought I was too old to be held.
you watched reality t.v. with me and took me seriously when I talked about a show like it was life or death. and I can’t be with you when she picks chad.
you let me have so many parties, and with my crazy friends. even when we were loud and obnoxious, and kept you up all night because we were noisy, you still cooked us breakfast the next morning.
you taught me about the yankees and what it meant to be a good sport. and i can't watch the world series with you.
you told me it was okay to speak my mind...
...as long as i said it right.
you stood next to me when i stuck up for something i believed in.
you taught me what it meant to be a woman.
you taught me how to be independent, that i don't need a man to be complete...
...but that it was always nice to have that special someone.
you taught me not to take anybody's shit...
...but you also taught me that there is some shit in life i'll have to take.
you stood up for me when i was unable to...
...and beamed in pride when i grew older and started to stand up for myself.
you let go when you really, really didn't want to...
...and helped me up when i fell.
you taught me about affection. how too much of it is never a bad thing.
you called me the light of your life, your sunshine. and…
for all those times I lied, I’m sorry.
for all those times I disobeyed you, I’m sorry.
for all those times I talked back, I’m sorry.
for all those times I kept things from you, I’m sorry.
for all those times where you reached out, and I brushed you away - I’m sorry.
for all those times you tried to tell me something and I ignored you - I’m sorry.
for all those times you felt I took advantage of you, I’m sorry.
I just wanted you to be proud of me. I never wanted you to see any of the stuff I’ve done, or even think I’d do it. I didn’t want you to think you failed as a parent, because you didn't. you are the best mother anyone could ask for. I don’t say that because of the things you let me do - I say it because it’s the truth. you are my pillar of strength -- when you're strong, i'm strong. that's why it was so hard for me when you got cancer...because if you weren't here, mommy...
...i don't know what i would do.
you’re not just my mother. you’re my very best friend.
there isn’t one day that goes by that I wish I could pack you up in one of my five billion and one suitcases and take you with me, but I can’t. you’ve prepared me for this day, and I have to go and show you that you did something right….
…and I have to do it on my own.
I love you, sunshine, more than words can describe.
1:02 AM
mommy -
I just got offline, went to bed, but I can’t sleep. that’s been the case the past couple of nights, due to my weird sleep cycle and also, because I’ve been lying awake thinking about some things.
as I laid in bed and looked around my room at all my stuff that’s packed up, it hit me. I’m really going to go to college. all those months, weeks, days that I’ve been waiting to start the new chapter in my life, and in less than 48 hours it’s going to be happening. even though I keep saying I’m nervous, that I’m scared, that I hope I’ll be okay, I know I will be.
why? it’s because of you.
yeah. you.
I look back at this past year and I can’t think of anyone who’s been there for me more than you have. you have allowed me to grow, and become the person I am today. you deserve credit for my success, my achievements, my personality, my sense of humor, my intelligence, my fire, my wit, my blue eyes - all of me. who I am today is because of you. and you only.
you gave me leeway. you let me screw up so many times.
you’ve given me so much. so, so, so much.
you’ve taken me out to mother-daughter dinners more times than I can count.
you’ve brought me almost everything I’ve asked for. and more.
you let me go to rochester. twice, and even when i come home with a broken heart.
you’ve forgiven me for every bad thing I’ve done. every single bad thing.
you’ve shaped your life around me, and amanda. we came first. always.
you’ve taken care of everything - ssi, dvr, helping me with college stuff.
you’ve put up with every ounce of my bullshit. and you didn’t.
you didn’t give me a curfew.
you listened when I talked. even if it was just stupid drivel.
you held me when I cried. and trust me, I cried a lot this year.
you hugged me when I needed affection. you never thought I was too old to be held.
you watched reality t.v. with me and took me seriously when I talked about a show like it was life or death. and I can’t be with you when she picks chad.
you let me have so many parties, and with my crazy friends. even when we were loud and obnoxious, and kept you up all night because we were noisy, you still cooked us breakfast the next morning.
you taught me about the yankees and what it meant to be a good sport. and i can't watch the world series with you.
you told me it was okay to speak my mind...
...as long as i said it right.
you stood next to me when i stuck up for something i believed in.
you taught me what it meant to be a woman.
you taught me how to be independent, that i don't need a man to be complete...
...but that it was always nice to have that special someone.
you taught me not to take anybody's shit...
...but you also taught me that there is some shit in life i'll have to take.
you stood up for me when i was unable to...
...and beamed in pride when i grew older and started to stand up for myself.
you let go when you really, really didn't want to...
...and helped me up when i fell.
you taught me about affection. how too much of it is never a bad thing.
you called me the light of your life, your sunshine. and…
for all those times I lied, I’m sorry.
for all those times I disobeyed you, I’m sorry.
for all those times I talked back, I’m sorry.
for all those times I kept things from you, I’m sorry.
for all those times where you reached out, and I brushed you away - I’m sorry.
for all those times you tried to tell me something and I ignored you - I’m sorry.
for all those times you felt I took advantage of you, I’m sorry.
I just wanted you to be proud of me. I never wanted you to see any of the stuff I’ve done, or even think I’d do it. I didn’t want you to think you failed as a parent, because you didn't. you are the best mother anyone could ask for. I don’t say that because of the things you let me do - I say it because it’s the truth. you are my pillar of strength -- when you're strong, i'm strong. that's why it was so hard for me when you got cancer...because if you weren't here, mommy...
...i don't know what i would do.
you’re not just my mother. you’re my very best friend.
there isn’t one day that goes by that I wish I could pack you up in one of my five billion and one suitcases and take you with me, but I can’t. you’ve prepared me for this day, and I have to go and show you that you did something right….
…and I have to do it on my own.
I love you, sunshine, more than words can describe.