At the funeral of my youth
Around 3 or so yesterday, Cleo passed away quietly and peacefully... it was shocking how fast it was... the ride there was hellishly hard, we took our time with her and with our vet who is absolutely amazing. I don't doubt for a second that it was the right thing to do... even though I start crying again every time I think of kissing her on the head for the last time. Whispering mantras to her as her head suddenly became heavy and her soul slipped out.
It's very surreal right now. I keep going back and forth between being kind of ok and vacant and sobbing. Made all the worse by how physically ill I am right now. I feel awful. Absolute crap.
The hardest thing was last night, trying to go to sleep. Karen and I were SO exhausted, we thought we'd just pass out... but the silence was deafening. We keep expecting to hear all her nocturnal noises... jumping over the bunny gate, calling to us from the livingroom, drinking from the sink, jumping up on the bed, even taking a piss in (or around) the litterbox... it was so quiet, and we bawled. We both always check the computer chair before sitting down, so we don't sit on her... just like we always have. We keep expecting her around every corner. She always greeted us when we came in the front door, like you'd expect a dog to do. Who knew a one bedroom apartment with 8 animals and two people in it could feel so empty...
Don't misunderstand, I don't regret giving her such a graceful exit. It was very peaceful, graceful, and dignified. She's so much better off now, and I'm so proud of her. But that doesn't make us miss her presence any less. It was always weird sleeping somewhere else before, because she wasn't there. But I knew she'd be there when I got home. We've taken care of each other for 18 years, and I mean that. I was as much hers as she was mine, and she was my security blanket... always there for me when I needed her, comforting, soothing...and she was everywhere. My mom suggested that it may be helpful to put away things of Cleo's for now, to maybe make it a little easier, but it's not possible. The bed was hers, the couch, the floor, the kitchen, the bathroom, everything. Our lives have revolved around her and her care for months, and I've leaned on her a lot longer then that. She was such a huge part of my life for so long. I tried to prepare myself for a good while for this.. I knew it was coming, I knew she was sick, and I knew she was old... but nothing could really prepare me for this void she's left behind.
I'm sorry about removing comments here, I'm just overwhelmed as is and do want to respond to all the loving comments I've gotten over the last two posts. But I can't right now. I think I just need to try and sleep for the next few days. Distract myself, try not to think. Maybe even get some work done. Try and get better. Fawn over the bunnies. I needed to get this out, but I need to get away from it too... or I'll just cry myself sicker.
It's very surreal right now. I keep going back and forth between being kind of ok and vacant and sobbing. Made all the worse by how physically ill I am right now. I feel awful. Absolute crap.
The hardest thing was last night, trying to go to sleep. Karen and I were SO exhausted, we thought we'd just pass out... but the silence was deafening. We keep expecting to hear all her nocturnal noises... jumping over the bunny gate, calling to us from the livingroom, drinking from the sink, jumping up on the bed, even taking a piss in (or around) the litterbox... it was so quiet, and we bawled. We both always check the computer chair before sitting down, so we don't sit on her... just like we always have. We keep expecting her around every corner. She always greeted us when we came in the front door, like you'd expect a dog to do. Who knew a one bedroom apartment with 8 animals and two people in it could feel so empty...
Don't misunderstand, I don't regret giving her such a graceful exit. It was very peaceful, graceful, and dignified. She's so much better off now, and I'm so proud of her. But that doesn't make us miss her presence any less. It was always weird sleeping somewhere else before, because she wasn't there. But I knew she'd be there when I got home. We've taken care of each other for 18 years, and I mean that. I was as much hers as she was mine, and she was my security blanket... always there for me when I needed her, comforting, soothing...and she was everywhere. My mom suggested that it may be helpful to put away things of Cleo's for now, to maybe make it a little easier, but it's not possible. The bed was hers, the couch, the floor, the kitchen, the bathroom, everything. Our lives have revolved around her and her care for months, and I've leaned on her a lot longer then that. She was such a huge part of my life for so long. I tried to prepare myself for a good while for this.. I knew it was coming, I knew she was sick, and I knew she was old... but nothing could really prepare me for this void she's left behind.
I'm sorry about removing comments here, I'm just overwhelmed as is and do want to respond to all the loving comments I've gotten over the last two posts. But I can't right now. I think I just need to try and sleep for the next few days. Distract myself, try not to think. Maybe even get some work done. Try and get better. Fawn over the bunnies. I needed to get this out, but I need to get away from it too... or I'll just cry myself sicker.