(no subject)
5:00 am birthday thoughts.
I woke up
Lost.
I miss my Mother on my birthday, and everyone else seems to have forgotten.
My birthday was always celebrated on Father’s Day. My Mom always got my dad a pie. I hate pie.
I never had a birthday cake.
When her dog bit me, and she cried
I told myself a story.
I feel sad at how such a small kindness
Undid me.
I was doing so well, and had not read her blog in months. The not reading was a like a 12 step pursuit filled with affirmations, and counting. It required me to cultivate some clarity of healing. This morning I put myself back in the corner, of not good enough.
I want to say to her.
You had the kind of love that would have worked hard not to hurt you. You had the kind of love that saw you, and loved you, and though messy at the end could have been called to the attention of healing. You had that.
So, call yourself to your own attention the Goddess say.
Her silence is speaking.
Apparently even the Goddess want me to pull myself up by the bra straps.
The Goddess know that it is not all her. They know that this heart break was really the straw that broke the mamas back. They know that it is really that I have reached some sort of toxic level of unlovedness.
And I am a mother and I have to work though this. Trixie has to see me saying “yes” to life.
This year I pray for a kinder voice inside my own heart.
I pray for compassion, and integration. I pray to the spark of dreaming.
I pray for the courage to keep walking toward love.
Someday.
I woke up
Lost.
I miss my Mother on my birthday, and everyone else seems to have forgotten.
My birthday was always celebrated on Father’s Day. My Mom always got my dad a pie. I hate pie.
I never had a birthday cake.
When her dog bit me, and she cried
I told myself a story.
I feel sad at how such a small kindness
Undid me.
I was doing so well, and had not read her blog in months. The not reading was a like a 12 step pursuit filled with affirmations, and counting. It required me to cultivate some clarity of healing. This morning I put myself back in the corner, of not good enough.
I want to say to her.
You had the kind of love that would have worked hard not to hurt you. You had the kind of love that saw you, and loved you, and though messy at the end could have been called to the attention of healing. You had that.
So, call yourself to your own attention the Goddess say.
Her silence is speaking.
Apparently even the Goddess want me to pull myself up by the bra straps.
The Goddess know that it is not all her. They know that this heart break was really the straw that broke the mamas back. They know that it is really that I have reached some sort of toxic level of unlovedness.
And I am a mother and I have to work though this. Trixie has to see me saying “yes” to life.
This year I pray for a kinder voice inside my own heart.
I pray for compassion, and integration. I pray to the spark of dreaming.
I pray for the courage to keep walking toward love.
Someday.