The prequel to a long awaited entry.
Okay. Finally. Despite having created this account months ago I've always felt as though in order to blog or keep a journal you need to have some sort of substance your life. So i recently decided it's time to commence my journal writing. Anyway I am initiating the journal with an experience that i happened to experience several weeks ago. I attended the annual NCLR (National Council of La Raza) conference in San Diego, CA. This trip was nothing short of a dream come true. a defining characteristic of mine is that I'm melodramatic and /or exaggerated but I'm really not being when i say that it truly was one of the best experiences of my life. The trip was school sponsored of course, and i had heard buzz about the trip around some of my classes but neglected to acknowledge it. I continued to ignore it despite hearing some of my friends talking about it. I'm pretty excellent at giving up things that can truly benefit me, either out of fear that I'll fail or the thought of me not deserving it. All of this was happening in the Spring. and throughout the year i had been recieving letters from the people to people program offering me to go to London, Germany, Belgium, Netherlands and my favorite letter being the offer to go to Australia. i just stashed them this time due to my social anxiety and distrust. First i asked whats the catch and second i'm probably not as smart or deserving as the others being offered to go on these trips. A true example of the extent of my social anxiety. The letters kept coming and i continued to stash them along with my anxious premonitions and uncomfortable feelings of guilt for denying great offers. But obviously you can't bottle up too many feelings without it blowing up in your face. Which it did in April of this year. No one really warns you of the planning you do for your future as a junior in highschool and it hit me hard. I, having been already terrified of the slightest inkling of the future, was overwhelmed by all the "plan for tomorow activities. I was lost, drowning in a sea of insecurity. I was sinking fast and an offer came knocking at my door, whatever it was i was taking it. It was perfect. It was art classes during the summer. This offer couldn't have come at a better time. I told my mother of the summer classes and she was impressed by my taking of initiative. she chose to go along with it. Except the classes were out expensive. I got a phone call on a Wednesday from the art program telling me as a reply to a message apparently left my mother earlier that day '' that no kind of financial aid was avaliable'' to me. Upset, discouraged and also a bit relieved i told my mom about the sitch and she said to hope for something else. Instead of hope i was filled with that old feeling of guilt. The same one i had when i stashed the letters. I regretted having denied those others offers when i now had nothing. TBC...