the week from hell
it's nice to have one of these things when you just need to let it all go....because sometimes writing seems to be a wonderful tool for learning stuff about yourself... and even if no one reads this i can look back at this sometime in the future and i can see how much i've grown over the years...
i'm so glad that this week is over... it sucks how little things that seem so trivial can grow to such a huge problem...
throughout the week i just wanted to open up to others yet for some reason i couldn't... idk i think i felt vulnerable... so i couldn't but i really wanted to... sometime i wonder what i'm really scared about... i think i have some paranoia about people always judging me but i'm just never aware of it... and i think it's retarded...
kira and billy have been godsends this week... i mean they have always been there for me... they really helped me get through this week... it really sucks that i barely get to hang out w/ them more outside of school (esp billy) and i only see them in school for maybe 30 seconds a day.... i mean i've known billy for a really freakin' long time... and i know for sure i won't see him at all... or maybe ever after this year... and kira i've known just as long and i hang out w/ her a lot... and i've really gotten to know her better over these last two years... and she's heard out my rants, seen me at my happiest, we've laughed, and just shared some awesome memories... and it's terrifing that i might not share any more memories with her cuz i don't know if i'll see her smiling face every day next year...
i fear if i have another one of these weeks next year... who will be my kira, billy, danielle, kaylan, tom, jeff h, dylan, raena, stevie, danica, ed, kurt, marty, james, jeff g, and ginas who have made me... who will be my there to be my lifesavers over that week... sometimes a phone call cannot do the samething as talking to someone face to face... i remeber we all had to promise kira's mom on kira's birthday that we would all get together every year around christmas... and we had to promise to always stay close... i don't know if that can happen... friendships that have stayed strong for years can drift slowly away... but i don't want that to happen... funny how everyone seems to be excited to leave... but i think i fear change too much... i know i'll make new friends and memories... but right now the naive side of me wants things to always stay the same
i think i have just found out why it seems so hard for me to open up to new people this year... i mean it's never been an issue before... but i think i'm just too afraid to open up to someone knowing that next year and maybe forever... i shall never see them again....
ugg i really need to talk to someone about this some insight would be good... but on the same token i really don't expect anyone to really read this anyway cuz i guess everyone strayed away from lj's....
i'm so glad that this week is over... it sucks how little things that seem so trivial can grow to such a huge problem...
throughout the week i just wanted to open up to others yet for some reason i couldn't... idk i think i felt vulnerable... so i couldn't but i really wanted to... sometime i wonder what i'm really scared about... i think i have some paranoia about people always judging me but i'm just never aware of it... and i think it's retarded...
kira and billy have been godsends this week... i mean they have always been there for me... they really helped me get through this week... it really sucks that i barely get to hang out w/ them more outside of school (esp billy) and i only see them in school for maybe 30 seconds a day.... i mean i've known billy for a really freakin' long time... and i know for sure i won't see him at all... or maybe ever after this year... and kira i've known just as long and i hang out w/ her a lot... and i've really gotten to know her better over these last two years... and she's heard out my rants, seen me at my happiest, we've laughed, and just shared some awesome memories... and it's terrifing that i might not share any more memories with her cuz i don't know if i'll see her smiling face every day next year...
i fear if i have another one of these weeks next year... who will be my kira, billy, danielle, kaylan, tom, jeff h, dylan, raena, stevie, danica, ed, kurt, marty, james, jeff g, and ginas who have made me... who will be my there to be my lifesavers over that week... sometimes a phone call cannot do the samething as talking to someone face to face... i remeber we all had to promise kira's mom on kira's birthday that we would all get together every year around christmas... and we had to promise to always stay close... i don't know if that can happen... friendships that have stayed strong for years can drift slowly away... but i don't want that to happen... funny how everyone seems to be excited to leave... but i think i fear change too much... i know i'll make new friends and memories... but right now the naive side of me wants things to always stay the same
i think i have just found out why it seems so hard for me to open up to new people this year... i mean it's never been an issue before... but i think i'm just too afraid to open up to someone knowing that next year and maybe forever... i shall never see them again....
ugg i really need to talk to someone about this some insight would be good... but on the same token i really don't expect anyone to really read this anyway cuz i guess everyone strayed away from lj's....