Now who's going to play Santa?!
I dont have it in me right now to eloquently word this: on Monday I found my grandfather dead- naked as the day he was born.
I've kept a positive attitude about this all week. Somebody had to find him and had it not been me it most likely would have been my mom. I'm glad it wasn't her. And he lived a good long life! He lived to see 90! Yada yada yada... Rehearsing those types of thoughts you entertain your mind with after people you love pass away. Really, there is some comfort there. I have this weird closure about his death that I don't think I would have had if I had only received a sobbing phone call from my mother. Often it does not seem real but this was fucking real.
It sounds like a load of shit or some new age hooey but ever since his health began deteriorating this past winter I had this nagging suspicion or worry that I would find him exactly the way I did. I don't know where his electricity went but it's better out there in the universe. He was so tired and crabby and oft in pain in these past few months. Every time I went to visit him I could not help but think those things all of us youngsters think about the tragically elderly..."I just wouldn't want to live like that".
So tomorrow is the funeral. I am feeling quite nervous. Ive not been sad so much as insanely on edge all week. Id be less nervous if I knew I'd just be crying all afternoon but I'm afraid of feeling angry or resentful at my cousins who rarely visited my grandparents. I just hope they learn from this and visit my grandma in the nursing home more.
I've kept a positive attitude about this all week. Somebody had to find him and had it not been me it most likely would have been my mom. I'm glad it wasn't her. And he lived a good long life! He lived to see 90! Yada yada yada... Rehearsing those types of thoughts you entertain your mind with after people you love pass away. Really, there is some comfort there. I have this weird closure about his death that I don't think I would have had if I had only received a sobbing phone call from my mother. Often it does not seem real but this was fucking real.
It sounds like a load of shit or some new age hooey but ever since his health began deteriorating this past winter I had this nagging suspicion or worry that I would find him exactly the way I did. I don't know where his electricity went but it's better out there in the universe. He was so tired and crabby and oft in pain in these past few months. Every time I went to visit him I could not help but think those things all of us youngsters think about the tragically elderly..."I just wouldn't want to live like that".
So tomorrow is the funeral. I am feeling quite nervous. Ive not been sad so much as insanely on edge all week. Id be less nervous if I knew I'd just be crying all afternoon but I'm afraid of feeling angry or resentful at my cousins who rarely visited my grandparents. I just hope they learn from this and visit my grandma in the nursing home more.