Collective gasp
We have a scene planned for this weekend. A public scene. (insert gasp) And then another scene planned at COPE, which would be much more public, although with fewer close friends around.
See.... I'm having body issues about the inherent nakedness, more physically than psychologically. How does one blog about this without sounding either terribly vain or terribly neurotic?
Before the baby, I felt pretty good about my naked self. I felt sensual, erotic, curvy, gorgeous - almost like Gaia herself. A study in soft, beautiful abundance. Sure, there were pounds I'd've liked to lose, but all in all, I felt good about what I saw in my bathroom mirror. And while I didn't get publicly naked often, that was more about subjecting others to my nakedness. I know that, for those who like my kind of shape, I look damn good. I used to say, "for those that like this sort of thing, they will find that this is the sort of thing they like." I'm also well aware that I am not what society views as attractive or beautiful. But then - in this alternative lifestyle - do we uphold those same standards? Not on paper.
On paper, we say that it is a submissive's yielding, her inner grace, her bravery to do what (few) Doms (do not) ask themselves to do, that makes her desirable. It is her unflinching devotion to a Dominant's pleasure and will, her sensuousness and responsiveness to those delicious torments, that make her attractive, to subs and Doms alike. And yet - I do still imagine judgement, snarkiness, evaluation and subjective valuation based on my physical form. I recognize this is an inner issue, not one of my social group.
My psychological nakedness is easy for me to tolerate. I am unabashedly in love and in lust with Dan. Who do I need to hide that from? I submit to him, I relish in it, I desire it, crave it. He evokes my inner vixen pin-up girl, and it's one of the many reasons I love him, and I love what we do. I have no doubt that submission is beautiful, and if I simply "forget" that I'm in a room full of people, it will be evident.
I used to be able to walk into a play party with that vixen pin-up persona in manifest. The changes to my body (mostly weight gain - another mundane/vanilla valuation of a woman's beauty) have made it more difficult to find that vixen, and nearly impossible to bring her into being.
Ugh. I hope I'll be able to get over myself long enough to enjoy the sensuality of the party. I always love the sexual vibe, even if it's not penetrating my issues, so to speak (heh). I really want to break through this barrier and join in the fun. And I think that if this weekend is an even moderate success, COPE will be easier.
Wish me luck?
See.... I'm having body issues about the inherent nakedness, more physically than psychologically. How does one blog about this without sounding either terribly vain or terribly neurotic?
Before the baby, I felt pretty good about my naked self. I felt sensual, erotic, curvy, gorgeous - almost like Gaia herself. A study in soft, beautiful abundance. Sure, there were pounds I'd've liked to lose, but all in all, I felt good about what I saw in my bathroom mirror. And while I didn't get publicly naked often, that was more about subjecting others to my nakedness. I know that, for those who like my kind of shape, I look damn good. I used to say, "for those that like this sort of thing, they will find that this is the sort of thing they like." I'm also well aware that I am not what society views as attractive or beautiful. But then - in this alternative lifestyle - do we uphold those same standards? Not on paper.
On paper, we say that it is a submissive's yielding, her inner grace, her bravery to do what (few) Doms (do not) ask themselves to do, that makes her desirable. It is her unflinching devotion to a Dominant's pleasure and will, her sensuousness and responsiveness to those delicious torments, that make her attractive, to subs and Doms alike. And yet - I do still imagine judgement, snarkiness, evaluation and subjective valuation based on my physical form. I recognize this is an inner issue, not one of my social group.
My psychological nakedness is easy for me to tolerate. I am unabashedly in love and in lust with Dan. Who do I need to hide that from? I submit to him, I relish in it, I desire it, crave it. He evokes my inner vixen pin-up girl, and it's one of the many reasons I love him, and I love what we do. I have no doubt that submission is beautiful, and if I simply "forget" that I'm in a room full of people, it will be evident.
I used to be able to walk into a play party with that vixen pin-up persona in manifest. The changes to my body (mostly weight gain - another mundane/vanilla valuation of a woman's beauty) have made it more difficult to find that vixen, and nearly impossible to bring her into being.
Ugh. I hope I'll be able to get over myself long enough to enjoy the sensuality of the party. I always love the sexual vibe, even if it's not penetrating my issues, so to speak (heh). I really want to break through this barrier and join in the fun. And I think that if this weekend is an even moderate success, COPE will be easier.
Wish me luck?