"What we really need is a hot-air balloon..."
Somewhere out there, I am confident that there exist small hive-mind collectives of tabletop role-playing gamers where there is a near-perfect synchronicity between the gamers and the game-master. In such collectives, I imagine that there is some slight similarity between the broad tableau of things which the GM imagines that the players might do, and the things which the players actually do, when unleashed upon the idyllic tranquility of the GM's lovingly constructed and detailed universe...
Ours is not such a group.
Parenting Win, part II: When your 15-year-old daughter shows up at a gaming session making chain-mail ornamentation from scratch...
A quick round of character bios for the new campaign:
Bill RattleJavelin, itinerant playwright and the long-suffering director of "Bill RattleJavelin's Players", better known as "The RattleJavelinas". Writer, sorcerer, reluctant hero, pyrotechnics specialist, and nominal leader of the acting troupe. Possibly the Only Sane Man in the group. Sighs often.
Bianca, headlining actress, lead singer, First Lady of the RattleJavelinas, and (purely coincidentally) Bill's wife. Bianca is a professional entertainer, and lives by the motto, "There's a party somewhere; why not here?" Her primary frame of reference for the world is "the time I played the part of..." and her ebullient optimism is best summed up in her frequent reassurances to Bill: "You wrote us a happy ending, dear, so I know this will all turn out wonderfully!"
Grimly, a dwarven snake-charmer with a mysterious past. No, it's genuinely mysterious; she sustained an unspecified head trauma at some time in the past, and quite literally has no idea who she's been or what she's been up to for all but the last year and a half of her young-adult dwarven life, which she's spent with the RattleJavelinas. Her nine-foot-long albino python companion, who goes by the name of "Legless"? No idea where that snake came from. The Maori tribal tattoos covering most of her body? Uncertain significance, seeing as how there aren't any Maori in this campaign universe. The roots of her berserker rage, which make her the scariest monster in the room once a fight breaks out? Nope, got absolutely no idea where that came from, but it might be a good idea to just get out of her way. She is most emphatically NOT a bearded lady; she is, however, a professional athlete, does all manner of amazing feats of strength, and plays the crumhorn for RattleJavelina musical numbers.
Rosalind, the most adorable halfling EVAR! (Squee!) She is so CUUUTE! Hey, has anyone seen my wallet..? Her alignment is loosely described as "pragmatic neutral" and her instinct for self-preservation is honed to a razor's sharpness. She plays cards and the accordion with equal speed and ferocity, performs amazing sleight-of-hand and comedy "magic" routines, and should not be left alone with any valuables that haven't been firmly bolted to the floor. Self-defenestrates with extraordinary speed and minimal provocation.
Doc, the troupe's bouncer, teamster, and accountant. He brews potions with varying degrees of effectiveness, and is on the verge of perfecting "Doctor Theo's Restorative Tonic and Mustache-Improver", which sometimes restores 1d8+3 hit points and always leaves the imbiber with an exceptionally lush and luxurious mustache, regardless of age, gender, or species. Doc is a genial fellow, who thumps heads only when left with no other options, and even then, does so with the utmost politeness. He categorically refuses to use missile, ranged, or thrown weapons, not because he views them as unsporting, but because he is profoundly nearsighted, and generally can't distinguish people from posts at any distance beyond arms' length.
So that's what Corwin the novice DM is up against.
A few quotes from the ensuing weekend:
"And for the first time in seven months, no one dies during your theatrical performance."
"Of course we can investigate! It will be just like the time I played the role of Sherlock Gnomes!"
"If anything goes wrong, use the codeword 'Banjo' to alert the rest of the party."
"We're going to put on a Zombie Plague Relief Concert!"
"Why, yes, miss, I'd be happy to help. The Little Gnomes' Room is just down that hallway..."
"My snake is looking uncomfortably gassy."
"I'm certain that man's a wizard."
"Doc, that's a lamp-post."
"Never, ever, EVER get rid of evidence."
"The Captain says you're cleared to go over the wall. He also says that every one of you is certifiable."
"You'll be fine! Just climb in the basket and get ready to make history!"
"You've brought a crumhorn to a zombie fight."
"If you don't want to be near any bad guys, your best bet is to climb right back up that rope."
Finished product
Ours is not such a group.
Parenting Win, part II: When your 15-year-old daughter shows up at a gaming session making chain-mail ornamentation from scratch...
A quick round of character bios for the new campaign:
Bill RattleJavelin, itinerant playwright and the long-suffering director of "Bill RattleJavelin's Players", better known as "The RattleJavelinas". Writer, sorcerer, reluctant hero, pyrotechnics specialist, and nominal leader of the acting troupe. Possibly the Only Sane Man in the group. Sighs often.
Bianca, headlining actress, lead singer, First Lady of the RattleJavelinas, and (purely coincidentally) Bill's wife. Bianca is a professional entertainer, and lives by the motto, "There's a party somewhere; why not here?" Her primary frame of reference for the world is "the time I played the part of..." and her ebullient optimism is best summed up in her frequent reassurances to Bill: "You wrote us a happy ending, dear, so I know this will all turn out wonderfully!"
Grimly, a dwarven snake-charmer with a mysterious past. No, it's genuinely mysterious; she sustained an unspecified head trauma at some time in the past, and quite literally has no idea who she's been or what she's been up to for all but the last year and a half of her young-adult dwarven life, which she's spent with the RattleJavelinas. Her nine-foot-long albino python companion, who goes by the name of "Legless"? No idea where that snake came from. The Maori tribal tattoos covering most of her body? Uncertain significance, seeing as how there aren't any Maori in this campaign universe. The roots of her berserker rage, which make her the scariest monster in the room once a fight breaks out? Nope, got absolutely no idea where that came from, but it might be a good idea to just get out of her way. She is most emphatically NOT a bearded lady; she is, however, a professional athlete, does all manner of amazing feats of strength, and plays the crumhorn for RattleJavelina musical numbers.
Rosalind, the most adorable halfling EVAR! (Squee!) She is so CUUUTE! Hey, has anyone seen my wallet..? Her alignment is loosely described as "pragmatic neutral" and her instinct for self-preservation is honed to a razor's sharpness. She plays cards and the accordion with equal speed and ferocity, performs amazing sleight-of-hand and comedy "magic" routines, and should not be left alone with any valuables that haven't been firmly bolted to the floor. Self-defenestrates with extraordinary speed and minimal provocation.
Doc, the troupe's bouncer, teamster, and accountant. He brews potions with varying degrees of effectiveness, and is on the verge of perfecting "Doctor Theo's Restorative Tonic and Mustache-Improver", which sometimes restores 1d8+3 hit points and always leaves the imbiber with an exceptionally lush and luxurious mustache, regardless of age, gender, or species. Doc is a genial fellow, who thumps heads only when left with no other options, and even then, does so with the utmost politeness. He categorically refuses to use missile, ranged, or thrown weapons, not because he views them as unsporting, but because he is profoundly nearsighted, and generally can't distinguish people from posts at any distance beyond arms' length.
So that's what Corwin the novice DM is up against.
A few quotes from the ensuing weekend:
"And for the first time in seven months, no one dies during your theatrical performance."
"Of course we can investigate! It will be just like the time I played the role of Sherlock Gnomes!"
"If anything goes wrong, use the codeword 'Banjo' to alert the rest of the party."
"We're going to put on a Zombie Plague Relief Concert!"
"Why, yes, miss, I'd be happy to help. The Little Gnomes' Room is just down that hallway..."
"My snake is looking uncomfortably gassy."
"I'm certain that man's a wizard."
"Doc, that's a lamp-post."
"Never, ever, EVER get rid of evidence."
"The Captain says you're cleared to go over the wall. He also says that every one of you is certifiable."
"You'll be fine! Just climb in the basket and get ready to make history!"
"You've brought a crumhorn to a zombie fight."
"If you don't want to be near any bad guys, your best bet is to climb right back up that rope."
Finished product