Help: Bottom of a well
x-posted from mumblingmadman.com
It’s incredibly late, my eyes are burning and my head is pounding but I must write this post. My depression had been deep these last few days. I was rapidly cycling until the day my psychiatrist and I had our PTSD “chat”. After that, things seemed to slide downward slowly picking up speed until I reached a deep dark depression. Yesterday was the first day I spent any reasonable amount of time out of bed and I only did so because I abused my Adderall prescription significantly. I basically juiced my body up so that lying down was simply not possible. Is something deeply wrong, justifiable when done for the better of another person?
My wife has also been depressed over the last few days. I see that she is, but I am looking at her from the bottom of a well. I want to make her feel better, but am so caught in my own depression that there is nothing that I can do. I simply can’t reach out to her. It makes me feel horribly selfish, but I honestly do not have the strength, will or capability to do anything. I knew my depression was out of control and although I did not\do not consider myself suicidal a felt the longing, as I have many times in the past, for the blissful blackness, absolute quiet, perhaps death. Yesterday morning I sent an email to my wife at work. The exchange is below verbatim.
ME: I’ve emotionally, physically and mentally shut down. I don’t know how turn it around. And please don’t say what everyone does “just think happy thoughts” or some crap like that.
T: I don't think I can pick you up-I'm down too...
ME: I’m going to have to see [my doc] tomorrow if I can’t pull out. I’m headed to a bad place.
T: Maybe you had better call today-he may not be there tomorrow-holiday weekend.
ME: I’m not going in the hospital over the holiday weekend
T: I wasn't saying that-do you think that is what he will do?
ME: dunno [Actually, yes, he would have]
T: well you can't go until Wed if that is what you are thinking anyways-graduation Tuesday
[At this point I now need to lie. Writing the truth will only cause her more worry. Is it wrong for me to be angry that graduation is prioritized over my well-being? I guess it doesn’t matter, the point is now moot.]
ME: I don’t think I need to go. [Yes, I do need to go] I don’t feel suicidal.
T: that's good
So I decided to juice up rather than do what I probably should have. I did so again today only not to the extent I did yesterday. I need to be up and “perky”, looking good externally even if I’m a mess inside. I have an incredible mask so looking happy while not feeling happy is not a problem.
Helping my wife out of her depression is more important to me than anything else. Her mood must always take precedent. There is a reason for this and it is a simple one, I need her more than she needs me. You see, she is all that there is for me. The divorce rate for couples where one person is bipolar is around 90% (1). Separation of the two individuals increases the risk of suicide for the bipolar member by a factor of 4 (particularly males). (2) With both of the kids gone (son will leave for collage this fall) I don’t have anyone left. She is my only friend outside of my kids. I don’t want to be alone. If I am alone I may as well be a dead man.
I do feel better today. It is unclear if this is the amphetamines or an actual shift, but regardless I’ll take it. I asked my wife out for a date when she came home for lunch. We are pretty broke so it will just be hot wings or something small, but it may be enough to spark some happiness in both of us, if even for one night.
1. Managing Bipolar Disorder | Psychology Today. Available at: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200311/managing-bipolar-disorder [Accessed May 28, 2010].
2. Wyder M, Ward P, Leo DD. Separation as a suicide risk factor. Journal of Affective Disorders. 2009;116(3):208 - 213. Available at: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/B6T2X-4V9RHN2-1/2/50ce1f41f85d8a7b0765064a7719f2b4.