Lost and Found, Part Five
* * *
The next week, Jensen finishes the half-marathon in just under three hours, Jared at his side the entire time. He runs the whole way through.
After the race, Jensen’s legs are like jelly, which he expected, and his arms ache, which surprises him. He’s exhausted, but also kind of hyped-up on the accomplishment of it all, so he’s disappointed when Jared high-fives him and says, “I think that’s enough for today, champ. You could probably use a break, so get some rest and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
It’s true; Jensen does not need to be in the gym any more today. But he does want to be with Jared, even if only to curl up and take a nap with him. The very idea of sleeping with Jared’s arms around him makes him ache, sharp and sudden. And while there’s a big part of Jensen that wants to just call up Jared and ask him to come over, there’s still a lingering fear that stops him from doing it. If Jared had wanted to hang out with him, he wouldn’t have bolted after the race.
As Jensen trudges up the stairs to his room, he thinks about what Jared had said about enjoying each other. Funny how when they actually have a chance to just spend some unstructured time together, Jared takes off.
Not that it’s surprising. Jared’s full of good intentions and all, but he’s got to be getting a little sick of spending all this time with Jensen. It can’t be all that rewarding to be fooling around like a teenager with a tubby, insecure virgin. He can’t fault Jared for wanting some space.
And yet, when Jensen opens the door to his room, Jared’s there, waiting for him.
Jensen sees him and nearly collapses in relief. He lets his head drop back against the closed door behind him and exhales.
He doesn’t even notice Jared moving before long, powerful arms are around him, holding him up and soothing him. Jared kisses the top of his head, whispers soothing words as Jensen breathes shakily against his chest.
“Mmm, that’s my boy. So strong,” Jared murmurs. He tugs Jensen towards the bathroom where the soaking tub is waiting, filled with hot water and bath salts. “So proud of you, baby. So proud. Wanted to do this in front of everyone.”
Jared cups Jensen’s face and kisses him gently, so softly like he’s something precious, and the whole thing makes Jensen’s eyes well up with tears. It must be the adrenalin or something, because his heart feels like it’s big enough to burst.
“Had to get you alone,” he whispers. “Gonna take care of you.”
Jared is taking such good care of him, handling him so careful and sweet that Jensen barely even registers that Jared’s undressing him until their kiss is interrupted by his own t-shirt sliding over his head. Jared looks him in the eyes as he pulls down Jensen’s shorts and lets them fall to the floor.
The mirrors in the bathroom are fogging over from the steam, which is good, because Jensen doesn’t want to know what he must look like, naked and sweaty from the race.
He lets Jared guide him to the bath, groaning and closing his eyes as he sinks down into the hot water. Jensen slumps down, feeling the stretch in his hamstrings as he folds his body in half and breathes in the steam.
Jared slides in behind him, naked, and pulls Jensen to him, letting Jensen lie against his chest. It’s the first time they’ve been fully naked in front of each other, but it feels natural, no sense in fighting the comfort level they’ve developed around one another. Jared’s legs are bracketing him, so Jensen rests his arms on Jared’s knees and just sags back, letting his head loll back on Jared’s shoulder.
He can feel the warm press of Jared’s half-hard dick against his back as Jared washes him gently, stroking and kneading Jensen’s tender muscles. Jensen dozes, lulled into sleep by the sound of the bath water and the rhythmic motion of Jared’s breathing.
He wakes as Jared’s washing his chest, rubbing his hand in slow circles around Jensen’s nipple, coarse washcloth making his skin pebble. He reaches up with a dripping hand, wraps it around Jared’s neck, and pulls his face down into Jensen’s body. Jared nuzzles him low on his shoulder, sucking and nipping at Jensen’s overheated skin.
“So beautiful,” Jared mutters. Jensen tightens his hand in Jared’s long hair, holding him close.
Jared’s hand slides down Jensen’s torso towards his thickening cock. He can feel Jared getting harder, too, his dick a solid press against Jensen’s ass, hot even in the warm water. It’s quiet and lazy between them, so Jensen’s exhale seems loud when Jared strokes him slow and firm.
“Mmm, that’s it,” Jared says, reaching down and rubbing at Jensen’s balls. “Let me hear you, sweetheart. Don’t hold back.”
Jensen groans noisily as he sprawls back against Jared, boneless and languid. He lets Jared arrange him like a puppet, both of his legs now draped over Jared’s. Jared spreads his knees, forcing Jensen’s legs open wide, and he drags one of Jensen’s hands down to his dick.
“C’mon baby,” Jared breathes into Jensen’s ear. “Wanna watch you get yourself off. Can you do that for me?”
Jensen nods, sex-stupid and dazed. He tightens his hand around his own cock and starts stroking. Jared uses his legs to hold Jensen open, rubs and presses at Jensen’s balls with his big hands and Jensen wants more.
He’s hyper-aware of his asshole, how it relaxes, and even though they’ve never done it before, he wants Jared there, filling him up tight. He whimpers and pushes Jared’s hand down lower, back behind his balls.
“Mmm, yeah,” Jared pants. He rubs the tip of his middle finger against Jensen’s hole in tiny circles, making Jensen mewl and clench hungrily. “Feel that tight little hole,” Jared pants as he wiggles the tip of his finger inside. “C’mon, baby. Open up for me. Just like that.”
Jensen can’t even respond, can’t speak, can’t think about anything but the feeling of Jared wrapped around him, pressed up hard behind him, filling him up. He speeds up the motion of his hand on his own dick and rocks down on Jared’s finger, desperate to have more of him inside.
“Yeah, oh God, Jensen. Take it so good. You want it, don’t you?”
Jensen’s eyes roll back in his head as he nods dumbly. Jensen’s hand is a blur on his cock, causing the water in the tub to splash loud and messy around them.
“Gonna shoot?” Jared asks, breathless and low. “C’mon, get there.”
He gives Jensen more, pushing the tip of his index finger in alongside the other. The skin around Jensen’s asshole stretches and burns but it feels so good that Jensen almost cries. He comes like that, squeezing at Jared’s thick fingers in his ass and shooting into the bath.
After they’re clean and dry, Jared puts Jensen down on the bed and wraps around him, arms and legs like a cradle. Jensen falls asleep like that, wrapped in a towel and Jared.
When he wakes it’s late in the afternoon, the sun starting to fade. He stretches and groans at the aches in his body, but smiles when he finds Jared next to him, face mashed into Jensen’s pillow and legs splayed across the mattress.
Jensen carefully gets up, grabs his notebook, settles in the chair next to the bed and starts writing. For the first time in his life, he’s coming up with lyrics that actually mean something.
Jared wakes up an hour or so later. “Hi,” he says softly. He’s lying on his side, watching Jensen with a shy smile on his face.
“Hi,” Jensen says, putting his notebook down and moving gingerly from the chair back to the bed.
“Sore, huh?” Jared says, voice raspy and sleepy-sweet.
Jensen nods and starts to say it’s not so bad when Jared rolls him on his stomach and covers him with his body. Jared’s is warm and heavy on top of him, and Jensen snuggles down into the mattress, humming in contentment.
It gets even better when Jared produces a bottle of sesame body-oil and gives Jensen a thorough rub-down. He takes his time, working the stiffness out of every part of Jensen’s body.
“How-? Why are you so good to me?” Jensen groans.
Jared doesn’t answer, but when he finishes rubbing out the tension in Jensen’s calves he lies back down on top of Jensen and kisses his shoulders, the back of his neck, the side of his face.
“You know why,” he says quietly.
Jensen grabs his hands, twining their fingers together and squeezing. They lie like that in silence for a few moments until Jared moves.
He slides back and tugs at Jensen’s knees, pushing them apart so that his legs are spread wide. Jared’s big hands pull at his cheeks, opening him up and Jensen clenches against the cool bedroom air.
A long finger drags against his hole, and Jared says, “You liked this, didn’t you?”
Jensen bites his lip and raises his hips up, pressing back against Jared’s hand. “Feels good,” he says, suddenly breathless. “You inside me.”
Jared bends over him so he can speak right into Jensen’s ear. “Fuck, Jensen. It feels good to be inside of you.” He keeps rubbing at Jensen’s hole as he says it, and even the light press of his finger makes Jensen feel blasted open, greedy for more.
Jared slips down again, kissing down Jensen’s spine and then oh his tongue is right there, licking and tasting alongside his finger. Jensen gasps as Jared licks around his rim and pushes his finger inside, pressing his spit into Jensen’s twitchy hole.
“Oh,” Jensen moans. “D-don’t stop. Don’t stop,” he begs.
Jared shakes his head, letting his tongue slide back and forth across his hole, getting him all wet. He keeps pushing saliva up into Jensen, easing the way for his big fingers, making Jensen’s ass slick and hungry like a cunt. Once he’s nice and wet, Jared presses two fingers inside and rubs, sending jolts of sensation through Jensen’s over-sensitive body.
“Beautiful boy,” Jared says, breath coming fast and hot as he slides back up to kiss Jensen’s neck. His hand is working Jensen relentlessly, shoving in harder and faster with every groan that slips from Jensen’s slack mouth. “So fucking hungry for it.” Jared’s jerking himself off with his other hand, fist bumping up against Jensen’s ass in a cadenced thump thump thump.
“C-can you-?” Jensen says as he spreads his legs wider. “F-fuck me?”
“Unngh,” Jared groans and stops jacking himself long enough to grab at Jensen’s ass cheek and squeeze, hard. He pulls his fingers out slowly, letting the tips pull at Jensen’s rim in a way that makes him want to hump back onto Jared’s hand. “C’mon,” Jared growls, tugging Jensen’s hips up and shoving his hand underneath to grab at his cock. “C’mon, fuck my hand.”
“Please,” Jensen says as he ruts into Jared’s palm. “Please oh Jesus,” he groans as Jared stuffs his big fingers inside him again.
He comes messy and wet all over the sheets, and when Jared slides his fingers away Jensen feels loose and shameless.
“Please. Wanna feel you.” He reaches back and spreads his cheeks, holding himself open for Jared. “Please. Put it in. I. I want it so bad.”
He’s petrified but desperate for it, needing to feel Jared splitting him open with his huge stiff cock. Suddenly it feels very important that Jared do this for him, that Jared be his first.
“Oh, I will, baby,” Jared pants. “I’m gonna fuck you so good.”
Jensen moans and pushes his ass back and up, seeking out the blunt head of Jared’s thick cock. Jared rubs it against his hole, pushing the tip in tight circles around Jensen’s hole. He feels slick, wet with pre-come and spit that he spreads all over Jensen’s ass, up and down his crack, thick and slippery-hot.
But then Jensen feels Jared’s arm again, thumping away against his ass, and he whines, frustrated. “Jared-”
It’s too late; Jared’s come is splattering all over him, striping his ass and back with thick, hot spurts.
Jensen slumps down against the mattress, disappointment spiraling throughout his body.
“Aw, c’mon,” Jared says, breathless and loose behind him. “I’m going to fuck you, Jensen. Just not here. Not like this.”
Jensen knows he has no right to get angry, so he just nods, quiet under Jared. Jared lies down beside him, nudging Jensen’s face with his nose. “Hey,” he says. “I want to give you something good, Jensen. Want to make it so good for you. But I don’t want to do it here, in some crappy-ass dorm room at this crazy place. You deserve better.”
Jensen doesn’t respond, just buries his face in the crook of his arm.
“Are you hearing me?” Jared says, and shoves him playfully.
Jensen mumbles and Jared shoves him again.
“What if we never get a chance to do it better?” Jensen says, swallowing against the lump in his throat. He can’t look at Jared when he says it.
Jared’s quiet for a long moment. “You should know by now,” Jared starts and then pauses, taking a deep breath. “You should know that I don’t just wait for good things to happen, and neither should you. I want you, Jensen. I want to be with you for a long time, not just while we’re in here.” Jensen can feel the weight of Jared’s stare. “I think-no. I know you want it, too. I know you want to be with me. And I also know that when we set our minds to something, there’s nothing we can’t have.”
When Jensen stays quiet, Jared tries again.
“Jensen?” His voice cracks a little this time, and Jensen turns to meet his eyes. Jared chuckles, but there’s an air of vulnerability to it. “I mean, I’m pretty good at this whole positive thinking shit, but. Can you give me a break here?”
Jensen scrunches his eyebrows together in confusion. “What?”
Jared reaches out and runs a hand down Jensen’s arm and grasps his hand. “Am I-? I mean, do you-?” He huffs out a breath, frustrated. “Just. Tell me how you feel, you miserable jerk.” Jensen squeezes his eyes shut tight, like that might help to keep his feelings inside of him, safe and secret. “Because I-”
“I love you,” Jensen says, words fighting their way out of him. “You know that. I’ve never. Never felt like this about anyone, ever.”
He opens his eyes and looks at Jared. Jared’s smiling.
“Yeah, well, there are a whole lot of things you’ve never done before, so-”
Jensen sighs. “I just said I love you, you asshole. Do you have to ruin it?”
“I love you too,” Jared says, snuggling close to Jensen and burrowing into the messy sheets. “Just wanted to hear you say it for once, you stingy bastard.”
* * *
The next morning, Jensen wakes up with a smile on his face. He’s up early, so he takes a few minutes artfully arranging his hair so that it looks kind of mussy but in a stylish way. He’s still basically a fat dork, but things are definitely starting to turn around for him.
He’s got Jared.
He runs into Allison on the walk down to breakfast and the whole time she’s talking to him he wonders if she can tell that his lips are still tingling from Jared’s kisses. He chews on his bottom lip jut to keep that swollen feeling going. He can’t stop smiling.
“Hey, you know what?” Allison turns to him and pulls open the door to the lounge. “You’re looking really good, Jensen. Like really good.”
Jensen beams at her, and tells her she looks awesome too. It’s true, actually. The dramatic weight loss in all of the participants is starting to really show. Maybe on a day to day basis it’s hard to tell, but when Jensen remembers what everyone looked like on that first day, he’s astounded. They all look like different people.
They talk about that as they eat their breakfasts, everyone laughing at silly stories about their first days in the program-how foreign all the food was, how little they could lift, how slow they were on the treadmill. Jensen can’t help but smile as he thinks about how uncomfortable he’d been with Jared, flinching away from his touches, unsure if Jared had been flirting with him or was just generally insane.
He thinks back to the time in the pool when Jared had made a reference to Jensen’s past girlfriends and wonders if, even then, Jared had been interested. Like, maybe that was Jared’s way of trying to find out if he was single?
He almost tells that story, and has to bite his tongue to stop himself from gushing about Jared. He doesn’t really know what’s going on between them, but he feels like whatever it is, it’s like a tiny seed that needs to be protected and nurtured.
When they’re done with breakfast, it’s time for group session, so the group all wanders into the living room and finds seats next to their trainers. Jensen can already feel himself blushing before he even steps into the room. He knows that once he sees Jared, he’s going to smile like a goofball and everyone will know. Everyone will be able to just see it, how Jensen’s over the moon for Jared.
He’s almost glad when Jared’s not there yet. It gives him a few minutes to pull himself together.
Danny’s running the meeting today, so she claps her hands and everyone settles down. Jared’s still not there, and neither is Chad, so Ernesto takes the empty seat next to Jensen.
Once the meeting starts, Jensen realizes that Jared and Chad’s absence is not accidental.
Danny’s too casual when she says, “Jared and Chad aren’t here, obviously.” She smiles weakly and clears her throat. “Sandy and I are going to take over training for Ernesto and Jensen.”
Jensen looks at Ernesto, like he might have the answers, but he's already frowning and raising his hand like a protesting schoolboy. “Just for today?” he asks, concern evident on his face.
Danny looks uncomfortable as she answers, purposefully vague. “We’ll see.”
But Ernesto doesn’t give up. “Where are they?”
This time Sandy pipes up from her seat. “We’ll talk to you guys after the meeting. Don’t worry. You’re in good hands!”
It’s clear she’s trying for cheerful, but she comes across as a bit hysterical. Jensen’s mouth is dry, and he feels his stomach roiling, disgusting flax seed mixture flopping around like wet laundry in the dryer. The tension in the room is palpable, but the meeting goes on.
As soon as the meeting ends, Danny comes straight to Jensen and hustles him out of the room. “Come on, you,” she says brightly, and pushes him out into the sunshine.
“What-?”
She shushes him before he can even ask the question. “I can’t talk to you about this, Jensen. Don’t ask me to, okay? Let’s just make sure you get a great workout today and-”
Jensen stops in his tracks. “Bullshit, Danny! What the hell is going on?”
The other trainers herd everyone past them into the gym. It’s clear something is up, and the trainers are trying to distract them.
She looks around before she answers. “It’s against the rules, Jensen!”
Jensen snorts in disbelief. “It’s against the rules for you to talk to me?”
“No, dumbass,” she hisses. “It’s against the rules for a trainer and a subject to enter into a sexual relationship!”
Jensen’s jaw drops. “W-we. We didn’t have sex! We were waiting for-” He snaps his mouth shut abruptly because it’s none of her business, none of anyone’s business.
Danny frowns at him. “They saw you guys kissing, Jensen! Did you have to do it outside?”
Jensen feels like he’s been kicked in the gut. “I. It. It was late at night,” he mutters, thinking back to the first kiss he shared with Jared in front of the dorms.
“It doesn’t matter when it happened,” she hisses. “It’s against the rules!”
Jensen is too scared to be embarrassed. “Is he in lots of trouble?”
“Aw, Jensen,” Danny says softly. Her eyes are filled with pity. “He was fired, honey. This morning.”
No. That can’t. That can’t be right. This isn’t happening! “What? Because of me?”
Danny shakes her head firmly. “No, Jensen, this was his choice. Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t know. Jared though. He knew better.” She looks a little angry when she says it. “He’s been doing this job for years! He knows the rules like the back of his hand! And right from the start, when I saw that connection between you two, I talked to him, and he even said, point blank, that he wouldn’t make a move on you until you were done here. He knew what w-”
“Wait, what?” Jensen’s ears are ringing. “When. When did he say that?”
Danny smiles at him sadly. “About three days in, I think. He was done for right at the start. Don’t tell me you couldn’t tell?”
Jensen feels sick, warring emotions tearing at his insides. Jared had liked him back then? Back when he was really, really big, so miserable and awkward in his own skin? It makes his heart swell at the same time the sour feeling churns in his gut.
“Where is he?” He turns away from her on the path and starts back towards the dorms. “I have to talk to him.”
“Jensen, baby, he left.”
“He wouldn’t,” Jensen protests over his shoulder, still walking. “He wouldn’t leave without talking to me. Not without saying goodbye.”
Danny runs to catch up with him and grabs his face tight in her hand. “Listen to me, Jensen,” she says, voice firm and unwavering. “He told them he took advantage of you, that you were drunk, and that you’d gotten the alcohol at his party. He took all the blame so you wouldn’t get kicked out of the program. The deal was that he had to leave immediately, and that’s what he did. None of us is supposed to know, and we’re not supposed to talk to you about it unless you hint that you’re going to bring charges against Jared or the program.”
“C-charges?” Jensen asks, shocked. “Like sue him? Why would I-? I love him, Dan! I would never-”
She squeezes his face even tighter. “You’re not listening to me, Jensen,” she bites out. “You had nothing to do with this. You still totally deserve to be here. Because if you’re not innocent, you’re guilty. You follow me?”
Jensen blinks and nods dumbly.
“Good,” she says, and lets go of his face. “Now come on, let’s hit the gym. It’s no use him fighting to keep you here if you don’t stick around. We’ve got to make sure you hit your target this week.”
Numb, Jensen follows her back towards the gym.
“Wait, what happened to Chad?”
Danny chuckles. “Apparently he was questioned about the nature of his relationship with Ernesto,” she says with one eyebrow raised. “You know anything about that?”
Jensen stumbles on the dirt path. “W-what? No. No fucking way.”
She grins. “Relax. They weren’t screwing around. Apparently they were working on some shady business deal that involved making porn movies with Russian women who didn’t have work visas or something.”
Jensen screws his face up in confusion. None of that makes any sense. “There’s porn about illegal workers? That’s a fetish?”
Danny laughs for real this time, and Jensen doesn’t understand it, how anyone can be happy when Jared’s gone. Jared’s gone.
She tugs on his arm and Jensen shrugs back. “I need to talk to Jared. I can’t do this without him.”
“Jensen,” she sighs. “You are less than fifty pounds away from your goal weight. You can power through this, make Jared proud, and then go find him. I can get you there. We can do it together.”
He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings, but there’s no way Danny will ever mean as much to him as Jared does. There’s no way she can take his place.
“You know he’d want you to keep going,” she says, and Jensen feels his anger crumple. “He left so that you could stay, Jensen.”
Jensen swallows the lump in his throat and steels his shoulders. “Let’s do it.”
* * *
When he gets back to his room that night, he finds three voicemails from Jared on his dorm phone.
The first one is Jared’s sleepy voice, scratchy and hungover-sounding. “Uh, Jensen? Hey, it’s me. Obviously. Listen, I. Someone saw us after the party and. Shit. I think I’m gonna catch some hell about it today. Dr. K is on his way over and he wants to meet with me before breakfast. So if anyone asks you? Just say I walked you back and nothing happened. All we did is talk. Okay? Thanks man.”
The second message was recorded only a few seconds later.
“Hey, sorry, I forgot to tell you something. Even if I get in trouble? It was worth it. You’re-you know. Totally worth it. See you in a bit.”
The third message is timestamped a few hours later, and Jared sounds totally different. He sounds mad.
“Jensen, listen. I got fired. I have to leave today. Now. I wish I could tell you in person, but they told me that if I leave quietly, they’ll let you stay. And you need to be here. I want to see you, so fucking bad, but if I was the reason you got kicked out? I couldn’t live with myself.”
There’s a long pause, and Jensen can hear Chad yelling in the background. Then he hears Jared take a long, shaky breath.
“I just. I’m so sorry, Jensen. I’m so sorry.” Jared sounds like he’s crying. Just listening to the voicemail makes Jensen start to tear up. “But listen,” Jared continues, voice sounding stronger. “You don’t worry about this. You stay focused. Eat your fiber, you hear me? And make sure you have enough protein. And whoever takes over for me as your trainer? You listen to them. Do everything they say, word for word. Keep fighting, oka-”
That’s where the voicemail abruptly cuts off, call dropped.
Jensen slumps down on his mattress, stunned. He listens to the automated voice on the phone telling him he has no more messages. He lets it repeat a few times before hanging up.
It’s. It’s not fair. It’s not right. Just when things got started between them, Jared has to leave.
He needs to find Jared, needs to see him. But if Jared’s left the compound, Jensen won’t be able to get in touch with him-no outside contact. Jensen’s got no phone number for Jared other than his room on campus, and the campus phones are not connected to outside lines, so Jared can’t call him, either. He doesn’t even know where Jared lives for Christ’s sake.
There’s nothing he can do, and Jensen’s never felt this hopeless in his whole life. And that’s saying something.
* * *
Two weeks after Jared leaves, Jensen hits two twenty-five, and starts to cry while he’s still on the scale.
Fortunately or unfortunately, spontaneous bouts of crying are pretty common at weigh-ins, so Dr. Kaufman and the rest of the group handle it smoothly. Danny and everyone else are all sweet, hugging him and trying to make him laugh, but Jensen is inconsolable because they don’t know, none of them know how much it hurts to not have Jared walk with him first thing in the morning, or talk with him before he falls asleep at night.
Having to pretend that Jared was just his trainer is awful, but Jensen keeps his game face on when he’s around the doctor and the other trainers. It’s only Danny who knows how miserable Jensen really is, and she does her best to distract him with workouts to keep his focus off of his heartbreak.
It’s a rock and a hard place when he continues to lose weight. Being here without Jared, doing well without Jared, just feels wrong, like everything should have fallen apart when Jared left, instead of continuing on as planned.
The worst part, though, is this deep-seated terror that Jensen feels when he wonders if he’ll ever see Jared again, ever be kissed by him again. Now that Jared’s back out in the real world, he’s bound to find someone else, someone easier to be with than Jensen. He doesn’t doubt Jared’s feelings for him were genuine, but as the weeks pass and they don’t speak, aren’t together, Jensen’s sure those feelings will fade.
The only thing Jensen can do is focus on his diet and exercise so he can get out and find Jared.
* * *
It takes five more weeks, six months total, for Jensen to hit his goal of one ninety-five.
Every single day has been a fight, but as it turns out, he’s won.
As he trudges back to the dorms to pack his things, Danny runs up to him and grabs his hand.
“You’re going to be fine, Jensen,” she whispers against his neck. “You’re going to be great, you hear me?”
He nods and smiles, and when she walks away he can feel the slip of paper she’s snuck into his palm. He slides it surreptitiously into his pocket and keeps walking, hoping it’s what he thinks it is.
He doesn’t check until he’s on the plane back to Dallas.
When he unfolds the note with shaking fingers and sees the ten digits printed neatly in Danny’s lady-like script, he’s finally able to breathe.
* * *
Being at home is not easy for Jensen. On the contrary, everything is ridiculously hard, considering how everyone he knows seems to think his problems have all been solved now that he’s got a thirty-two waist. Sure, he can get around easier, and he’s definitely healthier, but every facet of Jensen’s new life is unfamiliar.
Without Jared, he feels like he’s been set adrift in uncharted waters. And yet that very dependence on Jared is what’s kept him from calling Jared up, from trying to find him. If there’s one thing Jensen learned from his Epsilon experience, it’s that he needs to be comfortable with himself before he can be comfortable with anyone else. And although Jensen’s reached his goal weight and moved back into his uptown apartment, he’s completely lost in his old home, his old life.
Nothing fits anymore, and although that statement applies to more than just his wardrobe, going shopping for clothes is overwhelming. His sister comes to visit, and she just wants to dress him up like a doll. She drags him from store to store, squealing over clothes that he has no business buying, considering he hasn’t sold any songs in six months.
“Are you crazy?” he hisses. “Why would I pay two hundred and fifty bucks for jeans?”
“Duh,” she says. “Those are Paper, Denim, Cloth, and they make your butt look fantastic.”
He shoots her an exasperated look. “You know it’s really weird for you to be all gushy about how good my butt looks? Plus, my old jeans were just denim, and that was fine with me.”
“Jensen,” she says patiently. “It’s a brand of jeans, like Diesel or True Religion. They’re hot, and they look good on you. Now that you’re gay, you really ought to start paying attention to these things.”
“It just doesn’t make sense,” he grumbles, trying on a new belt to hold up his overpriced jeans. “My old jeans were made of at least three times as much fabric, and yet they were a quarter of the cost. How am I supposed to afford all of this crap?”
“It’s not crap, it’s fashion. And don’t be such a stingy bastard,” she says. His mind immediately goes to Jared, asking him to open his heart that last night they spent together. His heart clenches as he pulls the belt through the loops and asks Mackenzie for the smaller size.
“Besides,” she says. “You’re going to make a fortune with your new music. It’s amazing.”
“Says you,” Jensen objects.
“No, no. Chris said it was incredible. And he knows his shit. Didn’t he offer you a boatload for you to write his new album?”
Jensen shrugs and pulls a soft cashmere sweater on over his head. “I don’t want to sell my stuff anymore,” he says. “It’s. It’s too personal.” He stands back and checks himself out in the three-way mirror.
“Well maybe you can start selling that sweet ass of yours.” Mackenzie wolf-whistles at him and he blushes. “You’d better sell something,” she says. “Because you have got to buy that Loro Piano.”
* * *
Jensen has his first post-weight-loss breakdown while standing in the middle of Whole Foods. He’s been there for an hour, and has nothing in his shopping cart except for some blueberries and some fresh kale.
“Can I help you?”
Jensen looks up from the frozen packages in his hands and sees a young guy standing there, looking friendly and hopeful. Cold vapor swirls around them. Jensen’s holding the freezer door open.
“I can’t,” he starts. “What’s better: meatless chicken patties that are breaded with panko or actual chicken patties that are grilled? I can’t remember if animal fats are worse than simple carbs.”
The guy looks at him strangely. “Well,” he says slowly. “Which do you like better?”
Jensen looks at him as if he is retarded. “I like McNuggets better. But I don’t want to die, so can you please answer the question or else please go away?”
The guy’s face crumples, and Jensen feels kind of bad for a moment. Jensen backs away from the freezer and lets the door slide closed.
“Never mind,” Jensen says, and hands both packages to the guy. “Thanks anyways.”
“Uh, hey?” the guy calls. “Excuse me?”
When Jensen turns to face him, he smiles. “There’s, uh, low-sodium tofu stir fry in our warm food area.” He points to the center of the store. “It tastes kind of like chicken,” he says with a smile. “And I’m about to grab some lunch myself. If you’d like to join me?”
“Oh,” Jensen says. “Oh. I, um. What’s your name?”
“Justin,” the guy says, holding his hand out.
“Jensen,” he says, shaking the guy’s hand. “It’s good to meet you Justin, but I. I’m kind of waiting for someone.”
“Oh, okay,” Justin says. “It’s just, you’ve been here awhile, so I thought-”
“I’ve been waiting for this person for a long time,” Jensen interjects. “I’m. I’m going to wait a little bit longer. But thanks.”
* * *
It’s dark and smoky in the bar, and the noise of people drinking and talking is like a crazy din, even in the small backstage area where Jensen waits. He’s tempted to peer out into the modest crowd to see if Jared’s there.
It might be a mistake, seeing Jared for the first time in this setting. Jensen’s already a tangle of nerves, endlessly chanting the words to the first song on his set list over and over in his mind.
When he takes the stage, he’s blind. Three large spotlights are flooding his field of vision, and he can’t see anything other than the occasional plume of cigarette smoke that floats into the beams of light slicing through the darkness. He doesn’t know if Jared’s out there, or if Jared even cares about seeing him at all. He doesn’t know if Jared still wants him, or if maybe, during those long weeks since they’d fooled around and been separated, Jared’s found someone else. Someone without as much baggage. Someone easier to be with than Jensen.
All he knows is that the text message he’d sent to Jared’s number giving him the details for the show had gone unanswered.
So yeah, maybe Jared’s not out there, maybe Jared doesn’t feel the same way about him anymore. But maybe he is, and maybe he does, and that possibility is enough to fill Jensen with hope as he strums the first chord on his guitar.
Jensen’s voice cracks a bit when he first starts singing, but as he moves into the bridge he pulls it together and finds his rhythm. And while he may be blind on stage, he’s not deaf, and he hears how the crowd quiets down when he sings, putting their exuberant conversations on hold to hear him. To listen to Jensen and his music.
They listen to his song of first love, of fumbling kisses and butterflies in his stomach. They listen to his song of hesitant touches, of saying goodnight much too early and going to sleep wanting more, always wanting.
When he’s done, the whole bar bursts into applause. Jensen strains to hear Jared’s voice cheering him on, but as trained as his ears are to pick out pitch and tone, he can’t identify which of the whistles and hoots might belong to Jared.
“Thank you,” he says into the microphone. “Thanks for being here,” he says-for Jared, just in case he’s out there. “It really means a lot to me.”
Jensen pauses again, lets the crowd settle down before he speaks again. “Now I made a deal with someone, oh, about six months ago. He was gonna do something for me, and in return, I promised to write a song for him.”
He smiles out into the spotlights.
“Only thing is, I never really thought he’d come through, you know? But he did. He did. And so I had to come up with something,” he chuckles. “I hope you like it.”
Jensen takes a swig of water from the bottle they’ve set aside for him, and then launches into another song, the one he’d written for Jared while he’d watched him sleep, heart bursting with love.
When Jensen breaks again, the cheers are even louder, like twenty more people had come in while he’d been playing. He can only hope that one of them is Jared, and that Jared’s hearing him, that he understands how strong he’s made Jensen, how much Jensen still loves him.
He thanks the crowd again, takes another swig of water. “Alright, okay, settle down,” he jokes, as the crowd continues to wolf-whistle and holler at him.
“I’m serious, shut the hell up. I’ve got a sad song to play for you now, and you’re ruining the mood.”
There’s a spattering of laughter and a few awws from a table of girls, and for a quick moment Jensen could swear he hears Jared’s booming laugh. He tries shielding his eyes and peering into the crowd, but all he can see are indistinct shapes. A group of people leaning against the bar, a couple in a booth to the left of the stage, nothing more concrete than that.
“This next song is about heartbreak, like all good love songs are.”
The girls all cheer in unison, a loud, high-pitched woohoo filling the bar. It makes Jensen chuckle because it feels so unfamiliar to him. Like he’s being objectified or something, but it’s not freaking him out. Maybe because it’s so ridiculous.
“Alright girls, settle down.” He points in their general direction. “Don’t make me tell you again.”
There’s more laughter, and the girls keep cheering, and for the first time in his life, Jensen feels like a musician. Here he is, on stage, getting paid, playing and singing his own music. And he’s got fans, for fuck’s sake.
“As I was saying,” he says, raising an eyebrow in the girls’ direction. “This song is about heartbreak. It’s about loss. And it’s very personal, so-”
Just then, someone randomly calls out from the audience. “What’d you lose?”
It. It sounds like Jared.
Jensen peers into the bar. “What’s that?” he asks, trying to get the guy, the maybe-Jared guy to talk again.
“I wanna know what you lost,” the guy calls out, and yeah, fuck, it sounds exactly like Jared. Jared came. Jared wanted to see him. Jared still cares. “Like, did you lose your glasses or your car keys? Or something more important?”
Jensen smiles like a loon, face tipped up into the blinding lights. “Uh, yeah, no. Definitely more important than my car keys.”
“Was it your virginity? Your innocence? Your-ow! Don’t fucking punch me!”
That one wasn’t Jared. It sounded kind of like Chad. Jensen’s heart fills with hope and he can’t stop the laughter from bubbling up out of him. “It wasn’t my innocence, either. Do you guys just want to hear the song? Or you wanna keep guessing?”
Jared’s and Chad’s replies are drowned out by the cheers from the rest of the crowd.
So he plays, and it’s a sad song, about heartache and misery and pain, but Jensen can’t stop smiling the whole time.
* * *
After the show, Jensen tosses his guitar to Chris and jumps off of the stage, shielding his eyes with his hand. He heads straight for the bar, looking around desperately. He’s got no hope of acting cool, he knows it. None of that matters, though, once he feels those big hands on his shoulders.
“Hey there, rock star,” Jared says with a wide, dimpled grin that melts Jensen’s heart even more today than it did when he first fell for Jared.
Jared looks amazing-better than he remembers. He’s tall, so long and lean, and maybe Mackenzie’s got a point because Jared’s got on some jeans that must cost five hundred dollars because they make his tiny waist and round little ass look fantastic. His broad shoulders are straining the seams of a fitted long-sleeved t-shirt, and his hair is pushed back from his face, making him look older, more worldly.
“You’re here,” Jensen says stupidly.
“Of course I’m here,” Jared says. “Where else would I be?” He waits an awkward moment and then tugs Jensen into a hug, lifting him off the ground a couple of inches.
“Wow,” Jared says, pulling back and looking Jensen up and down. “You’re. You’re tiny,” he gasps.
Jensen laughs. “I’m not tiny. You make it sound like I’m a Chihuahua or something.”
Jared laughs too, and they just stand there, grinning at each other. Eventually the moment is broken by the others jostling for Jensen’s attention: Allison, Chad, Danny and Tom are all there to congratulate him on the concert. They all hit the bar and order a few buckets of Michelob Ultra.
They laugh and catch up on gossip, groaning over Ernesto’s YouPorn videos. “He asked me to make a movie with him,” Allison says proudly. “I never thought I’d be so happy to be solicited for porn.”
“Yeah, well,” Chad says with a wink. “He asked me too, so don’t let it go to your head.”
Jared knocks his knee against Jensen’s under the table and Jensen can’t wipe the smile off his face.
When the night winds down, Jared sticks around after everyone else says good night. He sits on a speaker while Jensen packs up his guitar.
“So, I was thinking,” Jared says, ducking his head and scratching at the back of his neck. “Maybe we could get together sometime and shoot some hoops?”
Jensen stares at him, dumbfounded. “Shoot some hoops?” he parrots.
“Yeah, you know, hang out, catch up, do something active-”
“I was thinking we could have sex?” Jensen blurts out. “Like, really hot sex? I’m sure we’d burn plenty of calories?”
Jared’s mouth falls open and he just blinks for a moment. Then he hops off the speaker and grabs Jensen, wrapping his arms around him in a bear hug.
“Oh thank fuck,” he breathes.
Jensen laughs and presses a kiss into Jared’s throat. “Shoot some hoops?” he says again.
“Tell me you have lube at your place,” Jared says.
“Well, I do,” Jensen hedges. “But I think it’d make the basketball all slippery-”
* * *
When Jared pushes into him for the first time, Jensen is glad they waited.
“Oh, oh God,” Jensen groans. Jared’s got him on his back, holding his arms down against the bed, and he’s pushing in so slow Jensen is starting to go insane.
“Hurt?” Jared pants, barely coherent after Jensen had sucked him off for twenty minutes, bringing him to the edge of orgasm and then pulling away again and again.
Jensen shakes his head, feeling cool sweat slip from his forehead to the pillow. “S’good,” he says. “So good, so good.”
“’Kay,” Jared says. “’Kay, this is ohfuck this is going to be a practice round, okay?” Jensen just tightens his fingers in Jared’s hair and pulls him closer. “This one d-doesn’t count, okay?”
“Nnngh,” Jensen says. “S’good, Jared.”
“N-no. I oh. Want to fuck you for hours,” he breathes. “I can’t-ohshit-not gonna-”
“Harder,” Jensen mewls, dropping his hands to Jared’s ass and pulling him in fast and vicious.
“Unngh!” Jared grunts as he slams into Jensen, bottoming out in one swift thrust. He’s careful when he pulls back, slow and tenuous, but when Jensen grabs him again, he just gives it to him, shoving his cock into Jensen again and again, like he can’t stop.
The slick thump of Jared’s sweaty, taut belly against Jensen’s cock drives him over the edge, and he shoots all over himself as Jared hammers away at him.
When Jared feels the sticky heat between them, he groans, "Beautiful," and speeds up even faster. When he comes, Jensen can feel him throbbing in his ass, his orgasm pulsing erratically.
“I know it’s an over-used term, but that? Was awesome,” Jensen says, eyes wide.
“Didn’t count,” Jared says as he tries to catch his breath. “It gets better,” he says, and Jensen makes a face.
“Can we do it again?” Jensen says, eyeing Jared dubiously.
“Right now?” Jared wipes his forehead and gives Jensen a pleading look.
“Well,” Jensen says, looking thoughtful. “Maybe we could shoot some hoops first.”
* * *
Epilogue
He’s just wrapping up his morning yoga when Jared comes in from his run, a protein shake in one hand and a glass of tomato juice in the other.
“Very nice,” Jared drawls, leering at Jensen’s upturned ass.
Jensen huffs and breaks the pose, pushing back onto his feet. He takes the juice from Jared and rolls his eyes.
“Thanks,” he says, trying to sound exasperated, but secretly loving the fact that even now, after all they’ve been through, Jared still wants him like that.
“What?” Jared shrugs and raises his eyebrows. “I just really like your downward facing dog. Is that so wrong?”
Jensen wrinkles his nose at the taste of the tomato juice. “What did you do to my V8? It tastes all funky.”
“I added some protein to it,” Jared says with a smirk. He makes a jerking off motion with his hand. “Real fresh protein.”
Jensen’s aghast. “You didn’t!”
Jared just grins and takes off running back through the house.
“You fucker!” Jensen chases after him, narrowly avoiding tripping over their dogs, who insist on sleeping right outside Jensen’s music/yoga room.
“Are you worried about the empty calories?” Jared calls out over his shoulder. “Because the average ejaculate only has five to seven calories, you manorexic fool!”
He follows Jared’s loud cackle to their bedroom, only to get tackled to the bed as soon as he crosses the threshold.
“Umnf!” Jensen exhales as Jared pins him easily to the mattress. Jensen fights and bucks under Jared, trying to flip him over, but it’s no use. Even after working out steadily for two years, Jared’s still bigger and stronger than Jensen.
“C’mon Jensen,” he says, laughing as Jensen struggles. “It’s like eating an egg white!” Jared pauses and looks thoughtful. “Of course, my loads aren’t what I would call average, now are they? Mine are like three servings, right?”
Jensen goes limp under Jared’s heavy body and sighs. “Did you jizz in my V8, you freak?”
“N’aw baby,” Jared croons, pressing him into the mattress. “I know how you like my jizz straight from the tap.”
“Oh my god,” Jensen wails. “How did I end up with such a spaz?”
Jared kisses him, sloppy and wet. “You love me.”
“I do,” Jensen says.
They roll around the bed, making out like teenagers and randomly grabbing at each other’s cocks. It’s fun, like it always is with Jared, from their very first time together to where they are now-four years, three small venue tours, two dogs, one pilates DVD and a new house later.
It’s not until Jared gets a finger slicked up and pushed inside of Jensen that he says, “They were out of the low-sodium V8, so I got you the regular kind.”
“Unnngh,” says Jensen, thrusting up against Jared’s hip as Jared finger fucks him slow and hard.
Jared watches him, cataloguing Jensen’s every reaction and adjusting the movement of his hand to elicit the strongest response.
“I looked for the high-fiber kind, but they didn’t have that either. So it was just regular or the spicy-”
“Shut up and fuck me,” Jensen gasps. “You asshole.”
“Wow,” Jared says, shoving a second finger into Jensen’s ass and stretching him wide. “Are you a poet or something? Because that was romantic. Was that from a new song you’re writing?”
“Ah! Fuck me, fuck me. Jesus Christ, just fuck me already!”
“Yeah, that’s pretty catchy. And original.” Jared uses his other hand to tug his own shorts off, only pulling his hand out of Jensen to lube up his cock. “But maybe instead of saying ‘Jesus Christ,’ you could change it to 'Jared?' What do you thi-whoa!”
Maybe it’s the yoga. Maybe it’s the healthy living. Maybe it’s just that he’s really fucking horny, but whatever it is, Jensen’s somehow able to shove Jared over onto his back and climb up on top of him in the blink of an eye.
Jensen closes his eyes and moans in satisfaction as he sinks down, letting Jared’s huge cock split him open and fill him up.
Jensen’s never been much of a talker in bed. If he says anything, he tends to beg, and Jared loves to tease him to the point of absolute desperation. Now that he’s in control, riding Jared exactly the way he wants, there’s no reason to beg, so he stays quiet.
Jared moans and groans like he’s dying, though, cursing and praising Jensen with each alternating breath.
“God I-oh! Love you like this,” Jared pants. “So fucking-ah! So fucking much.”
When he grabs Jensen’s hips and fucks up into him hard and fast, Jensen can’t hold out any longer. He strips his cock until he comes all over Jared, moaning as his come mixes with the sweat on Jared’s chest and stomach and drips down onto the sheets.
When they’d first started fucking on a regular basis, Jensen had been so uptight about the mess of it all. It was gross, it was a hassle to wash the sheets every time, couldn’t they both just wear condoms? But just like with everything else in his life, Jared pushed him and pushed him further out of his comfort zone until one day he was begging Jared to shoot on his face. Begging Jared to eat the come out of his ass. Rubbing it into his skin just to feel the stickiness later and remind himself of Jared and all the dirty things they do.
It’s so messy, always so messy, and it gets even messier when Jared shoots into his ass, filling him up and then thrusting in a few more times so that Jared’s come squelches out of Jensen with each push.
Afterwards they lie tangled in the soggy sheets, smiling and touching each other lazily.
“So this isn’t all that original either,” Jensen says, voice deep and sated. “But it is romantic, and I don’t think I’ve ever told you.”
“Mmm?” Jared’s eyes are bright and happy, and Jensen’s heart is bursting with love.
“I knew I was going to fall in love with you the first moment I saw you.”
“Aww. Thanks, cupcake.” Jared laughs. “You sure gave me a hard time for someone who fell in love at first sight.”
“I didn’t say I fell in love with you at first sight, I said that the first time I saw you, I knew I would eventually fall in love with you.”
“Hmm. It sounded better the first time,” Jared says, smacking Jensen on the chest.
Jensen smiles, thinking back to what he must’ve looked like when Jared saw him for the first time. “Well it’s not like you were swept off your feet the day you met me either,” he says. “I was-”
“Took me about two weeks,” Jared says, interrupting before Jensen can go down that path. “You sorta grew on me. Or shrunk on me, as it were.”
“Huh,” Jensen says.
“What?”
When he doesn’t respond, Jared nudges him. “What?”
Jensen smiles softly. “Nothing, just. Danny told me that you were into me after something like three days. I knew she was full of it.”
Jared coughs, and when Jensen looks up at him, he’s blushing.
“No,” Jensen says, eyes widening. “Three days?”
“You were cute!” Jared says defensively.
“I was cute? I was miserable! Still don’t know what you saw in me back then.”
Jared gets serious on him all of a sudden, like he always used to.
“You had no love for yourself,” he says. “So I needed to love you enough for the two of us.”
And like he’s done so many times before, Jared takes Jensen’s breath away with the simple truth in his words. He nods and kisses Jared softly on the lips.
“Now those would be some awesome song lyrics.”
And as it turns out? Jensen’s absolutely right.
THE END
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