(no subject)
The other day I was in Africa. I was walking through a herd of antelope: it was near dusk, and my every footstep was deliberate and calm; birds were flying through the air around me, gusts of wind were whipping locks of my long dark hair across my face, the tall Savannah grass was swaying like waves of an ocean. Every miniscule movement of every organism I was able to sense: the birds pruning their nests made the most delicate rustling noises-the insects underneath the ground made soft squirming sounds-the antelopes’ chewing of grass was distinctly audible as though I had my ear right by their mouths. I started dancing-a slow, sensual dance.
I took off all my clothes, and the animals directed their gaze to my young, supple body. The sinewy flesh of my muscles writhed beneath my taunt skin, the veins bulged from my arms and chest and abs. All the animals of the Savannah started to move with the rhythm of my beat. My limbs felt like fire, a strong desire burned within me, my manhood was erect. Slowly, smoothly, I danced in circles around a tree.
The herd of antelope formed a circle around me; they started snorting and digging into the ground with their hooves. They were so excited by my awesome moves; my fancy-pants moves put them into a crazy antelope trance. I closed my eyes-and as I did so, all of time and space boiled through a nexus in my mind. All time and power were now under my control-I had supreme knowledge of the universe. But it was too much to handle! My sanity started to spiral out of control; one moment I was completely sane, and the next I was crazy; then I was a tad bit crazy, but mostly sane; then I was sort of sane, but mostly out of my mind. And then I blacked out.
…When I awoke, I was in China-lying naked in the middle of a busy village. There were no cars or planes or buses or anything mechanical whatsoever (there were only rickety huts and briskly walking Chinamen.) I could tell that this was Ancient China, and these were Ancient Chinamen. I noticed that they all had antelope-size horns jutting from their foreheads-and as I looked into their eyes, I noticed a demonic hue of red that gave me the goose-flesh all over my body. When the Chinamen smiled, they revealed a mouthful of sharp fangs. It was then that I noticed their long tails ending with a point like an arrowhead.
Ancient Demonic Chinamen I said to myself, as I stood up from my prone position on the dirt. The most wretched of all creatures in the Universe; they wantonly kill and maim and destroy, and pillage and rape and kill. But they all have day jobs, and a good work ethic. As I strut through the streets of Ancient Demonic China, a smooth techno beat started playing-and I couldn’t help but to sensually dance to the rhythm. Suddenly, a dog came out of nowhere and licked my naked leg: his name was Lou (he became my lifelong companion, never leaving my side no matter how dangerous our situation.)
Picking up Lou like a delicate little baby (he was weary from lack of sleep and water,) I walked all over town, trying to find a boat hardy enough to carry both Lou and I through the violent chasms of time and space, so that I could reunite with my beloved herd of antelope and live the rest of my days in wonderful antelope serenity.
After searching for days and days on end, we finally gave up our search for a boat and wandered into a small Demonic Pub near the docks. As we entered, a little Demonic China Child came over and asked: “Hello! I hear you are looking for a boat-not just any boat, but a vessel of epic proportions with the fortitude to endure the violent forces of travel through time and space. You are in luck! I have just the boat you have been looking for; please follow me into the backroom of our pub, and be prepared to pass a series of tests to prove you are worthy.”
He was such a cute, innocent child that I could not help but to trust him-to my own undoing. When we entered into the backroom-a dark, musty room filled with wafting smoke and putrid piles of insect feces-ten thousand surviving rare Demonic Beetles disengaged from their hidden positions in the shadows of the ceiling rafters and attached themselves, painfully, to my naked flesh. The young Demonic China Child laughed a demented, evil laugh, and ran out of the room shrieking and waving his hands through the air in delight. After a moment of hesitation, I gathered my strength, and flexing my muscles like a bodybuilder all the beetles exploded from sheer disbelief at my awesome physique. Then, I did a naked sensual dance through the gooey remains of beetle corpses.