Do you think I'm a whore?
So, I had this dream the other night about my ex. He's in the Army and I haven't heard from/about him for over a year. Naturally I worry because he was one of my very best friends in school and frankly I miss him. I had been thinking about him for a few days, very randomly, prior to this dream. Not that I didn't think about him from time to time, but it just didn't linger like this.
Anyways, in this dream, I stumbled into him. I was so happy to see him. I yelled his name, ran to him, and hugged him. Then it was like a dvd with a skip in it and the scene changed to "yay you're alive and okay," to "lets get it on".
Okay, of course this made me go "hmm?". Because we never did. I was sixteen and seventeen when we were together, and frankly, worried about going that extra step. Not that I didn't care about him. I did. I just wanted it to be just right, you know? Being that we didn't in life, but did in the dream, got my wheels turning.
So, anyways, I look for him. I found him on myspace tonight finally. And he's married. To a chick seven years older then him who has a kid. Okay, so I don't get to have my fun. That's fine, I guess. At least he's alive and happy.
Where me thinking I'm a whore comes in is here. None of my guy friends have ever, EVER had girlfriends, wives, whatever that liked me. Most of the time, that means they don't talk to me. Years of good friendship gone because a chick is fucking jealous. Most of the time, they don't have anything to worry about.
Well, I don't know about this time. I guess him being deployed made me realize how much I really cared about him, and dare a say it, loved him. Maybe not in the romatic sence of it. But I do love him. When I love some one, I like to hug them, to hold them, basically to cling to them. So many people I have loved in the past have been ripped from me, I can't help it.
Being that not all people are okay with this, I automatically want their relationship to be bad. For it it fail. Because I worry that if their relationship is good, then I won't be allowed near him. And my heart is broken over it. I finally found him and know he's okay. But now I can run to him and hug him and feel that his body is not broken? I don't know.
Its wrong and it sucks. Yeah, he's had girlfriends before and we stayed friends. My other ex's have to and I keep thinking in the back of my mind "yeah, whatever. it won't last. I'll get to have fun fool around ex fun again one day,". But married?
I start to think that it could have been me. I dumped him (even though we weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend) flat and cold when another guy told me he loved me. Years later, that relationship has turned loveless. And I don't think that I've ever had as much fun with him as I did those couple of months with that other guy.
For one, there's only one year in age difference, not six. We're both still kids and I bet we could still go out and have fun like kids. I'm not ready to be settled and be an old person prematurely. Plus, he always made me feel wanted. Unlike, oh, can I say about every other guy I've ever been involved with.
It just sucks. But I pray to God/dess that we can still be friends and I can have that hug.
Anyways, in this dream, I stumbled into him. I was so happy to see him. I yelled his name, ran to him, and hugged him. Then it was like a dvd with a skip in it and the scene changed to "yay you're alive and okay," to "lets get it on".
Okay, of course this made me go "hmm?". Because we never did. I was sixteen and seventeen when we were together, and frankly, worried about going that extra step. Not that I didn't care about him. I did. I just wanted it to be just right, you know? Being that we didn't in life, but did in the dream, got my wheels turning.
So, anyways, I look for him. I found him on myspace tonight finally. And he's married. To a chick seven years older then him who has a kid. Okay, so I don't get to have my fun. That's fine, I guess. At least he's alive and happy.
Where me thinking I'm a whore comes in is here. None of my guy friends have ever, EVER had girlfriends, wives, whatever that liked me. Most of the time, that means they don't talk to me. Years of good friendship gone because a chick is fucking jealous. Most of the time, they don't have anything to worry about.
Well, I don't know about this time. I guess him being deployed made me realize how much I really cared about him, and dare a say it, loved him. Maybe not in the romatic sence of it. But I do love him. When I love some one, I like to hug them, to hold them, basically to cling to them. So many people I have loved in the past have been ripped from me, I can't help it.
Being that not all people are okay with this, I automatically want their relationship to be bad. For it it fail. Because I worry that if their relationship is good, then I won't be allowed near him. And my heart is broken over it. I finally found him and know he's okay. But now I can run to him and hug him and feel that his body is not broken? I don't know.
Its wrong and it sucks. Yeah, he's had girlfriends before and we stayed friends. My other ex's have to and I keep thinking in the back of my mind "yeah, whatever. it won't last. I'll get to have fun fool around ex fun again one day,". But married?
I start to think that it could have been me. I dumped him (even though we weren't officially boyfriend and girlfriend) flat and cold when another guy told me he loved me. Years later, that relationship has turned loveless. And I don't think that I've ever had as much fun with him as I did those couple of months with that other guy.
For one, there's only one year in age difference, not six. We're both still kids and I bet we could still go out and have fun like kids. I'm not ready to be settled and be an old person prematurely. Plus, he always made me feel wanted. Unlike, oh, can I say about every other guy I've ever been involved with.
It just sucks. But I pray to God/dess that we can still be friends and I can have that hug.