Everything is "maybe."

[mechanicalkid]

Yes, I'll admit it: I have been feeling rather hesitant about writing in this journal. Part of it is apathy. Part of it is my inability to write in a way that feels authenticly engaging when I am using a keyboard instead of a pen. But it's mostly because a lot of my perceptions have been shifting lately and I don't know how to articulate it all

Comments

[monslucis]

i can really relate to all of this, though some of it's different for me.
like the second thing about not calling people back--I hardly ever get called, but if I did call people and try to get in touch with them, they would respond (I can say that rationally) but I either 1) don't put time into it or 2) convince myself it's not real, I'm deluding myself, they wouldn't really want to talk to me--anxiety of some type.
i guess part of the reason i'm saying this is to say to you what you know: that these people do really want to see you and it's the anxiety talking that says it's not real. i don't know how to unlearn things like that really. really, the only thing i've found for myself is calming down somehow: taking deep breaths, sitting calmly/meditating. but i think that for me at least, it's just one of those things that'll just take time.

ack, and in regard to the first part about not saying anything coherent. I keep wanting to close this because it's not that coherent and rational. and then i say so what? and then i think, eh but she doesn't want to read that? and i ignore that little dude being so negative.

i don't know. i'm really confused too but i also have hope that i'll find some answers.

xo
jason

[mechanicalkid]

That wasn't negative at all, Jason. It made a lot of sense to me, and I thank you. Unfortunately, I don't think that I possess the level of patience required for meditation. I know *that's* the whole point, that meditation is a challenge, but I feel like I can barely function in so many other ways in my life that meditation can't be on the top of my "take on the world" list. Not that I actually have such a list. But maybe I should make one, simply to further my need for cohesion!

Thank you for your thoughts, truly.