I know that I am someone..
but who am I?
It's almost a year ago since I was excited for my birthday, excited to see two people who mattered to me so much..and have all the phone calls from everyone.
Now I couldn't give two shits.
I couldn't give two shits about anything lately, really. Apart from the few people who matter to me, the rest of the world could turn into a wasteland and I'd just shrug.
I know we all grow up and change, but I never thought it'd turn me into what I am now.
As I walked around the city, showing different shops to my friend Aimee who'd flown down...I realised how boring I am. I wear the same clothes, do the same things wherever I go and think the same things. I never used to BE boring, now look at me.
Which brings me to another point, I feel bored and very boring because the vices I've let define me now no longer exist; at least temporarily.
I long for the days where, I was so cool to other people and I was always fawned over because I was this or that to someone.
Now the people who give a shit about me can be counted on one hand, when I needed a couple extra limbs for counting.
It's ridiculous how I've let people control my happiness. I wish I could be involved enough to care but dissassociative enough to not be bothered. Things would be so much easier.
I'm sick of having a heart and a soul, I'm sick of it.
I'm so desperate to feel though, I need it. How typical of me; needing and wanting something that eventually fucks me over. Great.
And ever since I saw this one secret on ljsecret about this girl who was obviously bigger and questioned herself about everyone she has ever liked because she feels/felt that the only reason for her recipriocation was coz she couldn't do any better...I've been doing the same.
What if that's really how it is for me too?
Coz, at the moment, I find myself torn between a few people when it comes to the whole "love" thing.
I've got someone who I know is perfect for me, but I'm so tired of the distance that I ache to say "fuck off, this distance kills me and i can and will wait for you...but i don't want to talk to you while i'm waiting coz everything is so much harder"
Then I've got someone who I've known for ages, who is a complete and utter fuck up...but I know that he loves me and I love him, but I don't know why other than the fact he'd probably be really great in bed and he's fun.
I'm just SO FUCKING CONFUSED ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I just want to be able to stand outside and be beamed up to a perfect place where I'm happy.
I never ask for much and nothing big or fancy or out of reach makes me happy...all I ever wanted was someone to love, some friends and a nice feeling inside me every time I wake up.
I just don't care about anything.
Writing that makes me feel wrong, because it's not entirely true.
ARGH jesus.
Whoever said talking about it was so wrong. I just end up being able to view how shitty the inside of my head looks like.
All I know is, I'm useless and shit.
I wish my grandmother was still around, I feel like my soul is gone coz my hero isn't around. Her memory isn't enough.
It's almost a year ago since I was excited for my birthday, excited to see two people who mattered to me so much..and have all the phone calls from everyone.
Now I couldn't give two shits.
I couldn't give two shits about anything lately, really. Apart from the few people who matter to me, the rest of the world could turn into a wasteland and I'd just shrug.
I know we all grow up and change, but I never thought it'd turn me into what I am now.
As I walked around the city, showing different shops to my friend Aimee who'd flown down...I realised how boring I am. I wear the same clothes, do the same things wherever I go and think the same things. I never used to BE boring, now look at me.
Which brings me to another point, I feel bored and very boring because the vices I've let define me now no longer exist; at least temporarily.
I long for the days where, I was so cool to other people and I was always fawned over because I was this or that to someone.
Now the people who give a shit about me can be counted on one hand, when I needed a couple extra limbs for counting.
It's ridiculous how I've let people control my happiness. I wish I could be involved enough to care but dissassociative enough to not be bothered. Things would be so much easier.
I'm sick of having a heart and a soul, I'm sick of it.
I'm so desperate to feel though, I need it. How typical of me; needing and wanting something that eventually fucks me over. Great.
And ever since I saw this one secret on ljsecret about this girl who was obviously bigger and questioned herself about everyone she has ever liked because she feels/felt that the only reason for her recipriocation was coz she couldn't do any better...I've been doing the same.
What if that's really how it is for me too?
Coz, at the moment, I find myself torn between a few people when it comes to the whole "love" thing.
I've got someone who I know is perfect for me, but I'm so tired of the distance that I ache to say "fuck off, this distance kills me and i can and will wait for you...but i don't want to talk to you while i'm waiting coz everything is so much harder"
Then I've got someone who I've known for ages, who is a complete and utter fuck up...but I know that he loves me and I love him, but I don't know why other than the fact he'd probably be really great in bed and he's fun.
I'm just SO FUCKING CONFUSED ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
I just want to be able to stand outside and be beamed up to a perfect place where I'm happy.
I never ask for much and nothing big or fancy or out of reach makes me happy...all I ever wanted was someone to love, some friends and a nice feeling inside me every time I wake up.
I just don't care about anything.
Writing that makes me feel wrong, because it's not entirely true.
ARGH jesus.
Whoever said talking about it was so wrong. I just end up being able to view how shitty the inside of my head looks like.
All I know is, I'm useless and shit.
I wish my grandmother was still around, I feel like my soul is gone coz my hero isn't around. Her memory isn't enough.