The contimplation that may end my life.
I can barely breathe. Its like its sufficating me, my breath. I can't stand this anymore. Im to stressed out and its complicated. More complicated then I realize. I want to make it all go away, the voices, screaming, yelling, constantly reminding me how useless, worthless and little I am. I just can't take anymore.The pill bottle seems so attractive and the blade seems so pure.
The look on my face is allways the same and there isnt much I can change about the way I feel. I feel alone, but I know there are people around. I dont know why what he is doing to me, is effecting me so much. It was allways those little things people do that you end up realizing that you take for granted in the end.
Mark, I hate you so much. You don't realize how much you fucking tare me apart. You're an asshole. You don't care about anyone but, yourself. I just can't take anymore. I cant take the fact that everyone walks all over my heart and stomps it into the ground. Everything that I once thought I would have forever I has come to realize I have lost my grasp on some time ago and Im never getting it back.
You dont know how much, I just want to die. I dont want to be here anymore. Around anyone. Around anything. Im stressing people out, the people I care most about. But, then again I know in the back of my head how much they really care about me. This one phrase goes through my head over and over again. To the person that is reading this will know who they are.. Why cant you take responsibility for what you have done. Why cant you tell me yourself. Why dont you just tell me how you feel instead of letting me wonder, think and be put on hold. I dont like that feeling. It seems like everytime I talk you have no ears, you can not hear any of the words I speak. I can not take this anymore, dont you understand. I was once fragile, but I am now broken. Im falling apart. I cant feel myself, the happy person that I use to be. Im miserable. I cant stand this. I look in the mirror, just wondering what else I have to do to make you notice me. What else do I have to change... You know you'll never call me back so stop saying you will. Stop saying it. Just tell me to go away Ill be okay.........*sighs* Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just drill more holes into my heart with every word. Cant you tell in my voice that Im not okay, when words just become quivers of silence.. slowly trying to ask you a solmn question. You make me want to puke. How could you do this to me. Once inside of me, telling me you love me, picking me up and hugging me when I wasnt okay, making me feel whole for just those moments.. You think I would forget the late nights, talking and you crying and you know you needed me then, then why would you beg me not to get off the phone. Why did you... Why do you shut me out now, look me in the eye and tell me I mean nothing, that is what I want.. to know for sure in a harsh manner that you have no feeling.. friend, lover anything for me and I will be okay. How could you do this to me.. Touch her, kiss her, those visuals going through my head.. I was in the same house.. thinking about you.. Thinking how to tell you something, that now means nothing.. I mean nothing. I know I dont mean anything. Just trying so hard the past few months to be oblivious to reality. Snorting coke would be the greatest feeling.
But, I take pain pills for a sub. promises are useless.
18 more days till my 17 birthday.
"what does that mean to me"
The days are so short now
The nights are long
The smoke fills my lungs repeativly.
Im cold, and not just my skin.
Inside I can feel it too.
I look in the mirror, I look so young.
But, yet I feel so old but, un experienced.
I feel the old scars bleeding through.
watching the skin and slowly going back to the old memory.
Im overcome, completly silent.
Watching...Waiting just to go to sleep tonight
die, holding on to nothing because everything hurts in the end.
She dieseased. Like its tattooed somewhere.
Vuneral, stupid, Unintelligent, Use me for your pleasure.
User friendly.
The space that I don't have, everything is suffocating.
Even my own breath is sufficating. Sometimes I close my eyes and hope not to wake up, that that breath that is sufficating me, will slow, stop and slowly send me into my flatlining dreams.
Why is the dreams that I am dying, so appealing.
The only time, I actully smile due to my own action.
My heart beats fast.
Then Slow
Reminding me of drugs.
An upper to kill the pain,
A downer to make it all go away
Flatline me please.
My eyes are slowly closing
Let me sleep forever.
Let me know when its coming.
maybe I will appreciate it more.
these last moments.. I have here
I know when its coming.....
The look on my face is allways the same and there isnt much I can change about the way I feel. I feel alone, but I know there are people around. I dont know why what he is doing to me, is effecting me so much. It was allways those little things people do that you end up realizing that you take for granted in the end.
Mark, I hate you so much. You don't realize how much you fucking tare me apart. You're an asshole. You don't care about anyone but, yourself. I just can't take anymore. I cant take the fact that everyone walks all over my heart and stomps it into the ground. Everything that I once thought I would have forever I has come to realize I have lost my grasp on some time ago and Im never getting it back.
You dont know how much, I just want to die. I dont want to be here anymore. Around anyone. Around anything. Im stressing people out, the people I care most about. But, then again I know in the back of my head how much they really care about me. This one phrase goes through my head over and over again. To the person that is reading this will know who they are.. Why cant you take responsibility for what you have done. Why cant you tell me yourself. Why dont you just tell me how you feel instead of letting me wonder, think and be put on hold. I dont like that feeling. It seems like everytime I talk you have no ears, you can not hear any of the words I speak. I can not take this anymore, dont you understand. I was once fragile, but I am now broken. Im falling apart. I cant feel myself, the happy person that I use to be. Im miserable. I cant stand this. I look in the mirror, just wondering what else I have to do to make you notice me. What else do I have to change... You know you'll never call me back so stop saying you will. Stop saying it. Just tell me to go away Ill be okay.........*sighs* Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Just drill more holes into my heart with every word. Cant you tell in my voice that Im not okay, when words just become quivers of silence.. slowly trying to ask you a solmn question. You make me want to puke. How could you do this to me. Once inside of me, telling me you love me, picking me up and hugging me when I wasnt okay, making me feel whole for just those moments.. You think I would forget the late nights, talking and you crying and you know you needed me then, then why would you beg me not to get off the phone. Why did you... Why do you shut me out now, look me in the eye and tell me I mean nothing, that is what I want.. to know for sure in a harsh manner that you have no feeling.. friend, lover anything for me and I will be okay. How could you do this to me.. Touch her, kiss her, those visuals going through my head.. I was in the same house.. thinking about you.. Thinking how to tell you something, that now means nothing.. I mean nothing. I know I dont mean anything. Just trying so hard the past few months to be oblivious to reality. Snorting coke would be the greatest feeling.
But, I take pain pills for a sub. promises are useless.
18 more days till my 17 birthday.
"what does that mean to me"
The days are so short now
The nights are long
The smoke fills my lungs repeativly.
Im cold, and not just my skin.
Inside I can feel it too.
I look in the mirror, I look so young.
But, yet I feel so old but, un experienced.
I feel the old scars bleeding through.
watching the skin and slowly going back to the old memory.
Im overcome, completly silent.
Watching...Waiting just to go to sleep tonight
die, holding on to nothing because everything hurts in the end.
She dieseased. Like its tattooed somewhere.
Vuneral, stupid, Unintelligent, Use me for your pleasure.
User friendly.
The space that I don't have, everything is suffocating.
Even my own breath is sufficating. Sometimes I close my eyes and hope not to wake up, that that breath that is sufficating me, will slow, stop and slowly send me into my flatlining dreams.
Why is the dreams that I am dying, so appealing.
The only time, I actully smile due to my own action.
My heart beats fast.
Then Slow
Reminding me of drugs.
An upper to kill the pain,
A downer to make it all go away
Flatline me please.
My eyes are slowly closing
Let me sleep forever.
Let me know when its coming.
maybe I will appreciate it more.
these last moments.. I have here
I know when its coming.....