I wonder how calm I would be if I smoked?
It's one of those late nights again when I'm stuck with procrastinating my homework. Those kinds of nights quickly turn to depressing nights as I sit in front of my laptop.
Matt told me she's going to forget about me completely, like I never entered her life. That she didn't want anything to do with me. This didn't really feel like good news, rather just like an expected outcome.
Matt told me not to forget. It's not like I can forget. He said it would make me stronger. It just makes me feel more insecure about myself.
She got the last laugh. The biggest troll in my life.
There were times when I thought she was unique and emotionless. She was able to bluntly state things like a robot with a crude attitude. But now I realize, she's just a normal girl, that feels things just like everyone else. She has some sort of emotion and goes through hardships like everyone else. She's a warm human trying to become cold, so it seems.
There are times when I wish she would talk to me, but what would we talk about? There's nothing really to talk about. She wouldn't say anything even if I did see her in public as seen what she did to Charles in high school. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to start a conversation. She did tell me she was socially retarded at one point. Charles didn't care if she didn't talk to him though.
I wish I could have that same mentality as Charles. He's dealt with more shit in his life than I ever have. He knows when to just brush things off like it's nothing. I envy him.
Lately I look back to my first relationship and think how perfect it was compared to my others. A lot of people thought we were pretty perfect together. My parents actually liked you. My brother didn't make fun of you. We had fun together. I felt like I actually cared about you without feeling guilty of doing something against other peoples' wills. It was pretty perfect. When's the next time I'll find something like that? I can't even talk to people normally now. Every day it feels like there's sea water swooshing around in my stomach when I see people I vaguely remember. I guess I know how she feels now. Well, in some ways.
I'm out of it.
Matt's brother told him that some people will just always be awkward. I'll always be awkward then, to some extent. I can't hold conversations like Amiel, Charles, or Ryan. I'm working on it though.
Ugh, I shouldn't have eaten those Cliff bars this late. I feel like I just threw up in my mouth.
Matt told me she's going to forget about me completely, like I never entered her life. That she didn't want anything to do with me. This didn't really feel like good news, rather just like an expected outcome.
Matt told me not to forget. It's not like I can forget. He said it would make me stronger. It just makes me feel more insecure about myself.
She got the last laugh. The biggest troll in my life.
There were times when I thought she was unique and emotionless. She was able to bluntly state things like a robot with a crude attitude. But now I realize, she's just a normal girl, that feels things just like everyone else. She has some sort of emotion and goes through hardships like everyone else. She's a warm human trying to become cold, so it seems.
There are times when I wish she would talk to me, but what would we talk about? There's nothing really to talk about. She wouldn't say anything even if I did see her in public as seen what she did to Charles in high school. Or maybe she just doesn't know how to start a conversation. She did tell me she was socially retarded at one point. Charles didn't care if she didn't talk to him though.
I wish I could have that same mentality as Charles. He's dealt with more shit in his life than I ever have. He knows when to just brush things off like it's nothing. I envy him.
Lately I look back to my first relationship and think how perfect it was compared to my others. A lot of people thought we were pretty perfect together. My parents actually liked you. My brother didn't make fun of you. We had fun together. I felt like I actually cared about you without feeling guilty of doing something against other peoples' wills. It was pretty perfect. When's the next time I'll find something like that? I can't even talk to people normally now. Every day it feels like there's sea water swooshing around in my stomach when I see people I vaguely remember. I guess I know how she feels now. Well, in some ways.
I'm out of it.
Matt's brother told him that some people will just always be awkward. I'll always be awkward then, to some extent. I can't hold conversations like Amiel, Charles, or Ryan. I'm working on it though.
Ugh, I shouldn't have eaten those Cliff bars this late. I feel like I just threw up in my mouth.