Day 1: Torchwood, The Sequel of Sex, for the H/C Bingo prompt: Electrocution
Title: The Sequel of Sex
Fandoms: Doctor Who, Torchwood
Rating: Soft T
Characters/pairings: Doctor/Jack/Ianto/Tardis
Warnings: Crack and blatant Possession Sue-ing of a few characters.
Wordcount: 1,264 words
Author’s note: I had a bunch of disclaimers about how bad this fic is, but screw it, this fic rocks.
Author's note 2: Written for the first day of the adventchallenge and for the 'Electrocution' square of my hc_bingo.
Summary: 1. A sequel to A Load of Goat's Testicles. 2. A really biased, barely edited ramble about the logistics of Hawt Tardis Console Sex™, sex-aids that are really good for your serotonin levels and how to deal with 'It’s Complicated’ when you don’t have a Facebook (I’m kidding. That’s not in here. Or is it?!).
[*]
So after the Torchwood team and the Doctor had shagged everywhere in the Hub, including Jack’s office, the autopsy table, Tosh’s workstation, Owen’s workstation, Gwen’s workstation, the coffee machine (Ianto, who, as you remember, was a Time Lord in disguise, froze time so he could clean it up afterwards without missing the orgy), the metal walkway things, the water tower pool, random archive places, the cells, the invisible lift and several other extremely avant garde places which the author can't talk about, the Surprise Sexswap™ switched back and everyone’s natural bodies returned.
Jack jumped to his feet. “I remembered those lasting longer,” he said thoughtfully.
The Torchwood team, strewn about the floor in post-universe-shaking-sex exhaustion, made vague, shagged-out noises of acknowledgement (with the exception of Ianto who, as a Time Lord in disguise, was not tired at all and got up to make everyone coffee.)
The Doctor also jumped to his feet. “Well, that was an adventure, but I’ll be going now. Catch you next millennium, Jack!” He skedaddled into the Tardis and immediately began dematerializing.
Jack managed to unlock the Tardis door with his key despite being naked and got inside before the ship disappeared from the Hub. “Doctor, you weren’t about to leave me behind, were you? Even though I’ve saved your life like half a dozen times in the last three episodes alone and have been nothing but loyal and also just rocked your world?”
The Doctor cocked his head, licked his lips, wrinkled his nose, wore some glasses, ran his hand through his hair and said, “Pretty much, yeah.”
Jack gave him some soulful puppy-dog eyes but took it like a man. “I probably expected that, considering. But while I’m here,” he struck a pose, “how about some Hawt Tardis Console Sex™?”
The Doctor backed away around the console. “No! Your impossible nature means it physically hurts me to even be near you, even though I totally don’t show that in any scene with you ever, so there’s no way we could have Hawt Tardis Console Sex™, even though we actually had sex in the prequel.” He paused for a moment. “Meatball42, you’re making even less sense than the last crackfic, and you haven’t incorporated the prompt of electrocution at all. This isn’t just a blatant way to guilt-trip me for being an utter asshole to Jack, is it?”
The author paused for a moment in her writing. “Of course not. That would be ridiculous."
"I mean, you're not even being subtle about it. Jack, your favorite, is the most sympathetic character in this story, while I'm a complete strawman, argue against myself, use American terminology and sound exactly like you!"
The author wrote that ^ and then replied. "You know what, Doctor, I can do whatever I want, and I want you to have Hawt Tardis Console Sex™ with Jack, and then maybe I'll forgive you for being a total bitch to him at Malcassairo. So there."
Totally agreeing with the author, the Tardis zapped the Doctor’s hand where it was resting on the console and he jumped. “Hey!”
The Tardis mind-spoke to the Doctor and he spoke back out loud, really confusing Jack who nevertheless just stood patiently while this was going on, because really, what else would he do? He wouldn’t start talking with another Companion, or go get a drink, or even sit down or anything, of course not. All the action would just pause during this totally-against-canon telepathic conversation.
“But I can’t! He’s a fixed point!”
Tardis: *telepathically scolds Doctor*
“Okay fine, he’s my friend, even though I’m totally jealous of him in this incarnation due to all my Rose!angst and his far-more-impressive muscles.”
Tardis: *suggests Hawt Tardis Console Sex™*
“But that’ll be really uncomfortable.”
Tardis: *blows Doctor’s mind with awesome Hawt Tardis Console Sex™ ideas*
The Doctor, now really horny, finally agrees. “Jack! The Tardis says she can block out the agonizing pain of your Factness so we can shag each other over her console, because she’s a total voyeur.”
Jack, who’d been standing there for the last ten minutes, was still completely ready to go. He slammed the Doctor against the console and they started making out.
“Awwglhrf, Jack wait, there’s something in my back!” the Doctor grumbled. Standing up, he realized it was a randomly phallic lever.
“That’s strange,” Jack commented, “considering I remember every mildly sexual tool on this console and that’s never been here before.”
“That’s the Tardis, Jack,” the Doctor said loftily. “She can change the ship whenever she wants to, even though we haven’t seen or heard a hint of this in NewWho canon besides that one episode that hasn’t happened yet for me.”
“That explains it,” Jack said incorrectly because he was used to just nodding along with whatever nonsensical pseudo-science the Doctor spouted.
“It looks like the Tardis realized that Meatball42 still has barely introduced the concept of electrocution into this fic, because this is a sex-aid from the year 12million-PumpkinPie-69 that enhances sensation by the use of manipulated electric currents to induce rapid synthesis and catalyzation of pleasure-inducing brain chemicals.”
“What?” Jack said.
“It’s good for your serotonin levels,” said Ianto matter-of-factly.
“OMG UR ANOTHUR TIEM LAWRD I LUV U CM SHG WTH US!” the Doctor squealed like a fangirl.
In a very neat and formal- yet also very sexy- manner for someone who was naked, Ianto came over and they all linked hands and began to stroke the phallic level, which read their biosigns and began resonating an electric current around the room which, as explained previously, was really good for their serotonin levels, amongst other things. Jack sat the Doctor on a mysteriously/conveniently appearing area on the console that was perfectly comfortable to get fucked on although not quite so much that you forgot you were on a console, and fucked him on it while Ianto was fucking him from behind, and the Tardis telepathically joined in and, basically, everyone had a really good time.
After everyone had come a few times (and the universe was thoroughly blissed out, because if the Janto Manic Sex Wave of Happiness was ferocious [and it was] the Jantordis Vortex of Sex and Time Energy pretty much put everyone everywhere everywhen into about a year of post-coital bliss and a century of war-less cuddly-time Renaissance) the corporeal beings fell about the console and the Tardis decided it would be a nice time to take a nap. With a long, telepathically-wet kiss for each of her sexy Companions, she went and hopped into a metaphysical fortieth dimension bath.
The Doctor grinned. “Jack! You’re no longer immortal! It seems as though the Jantordis Vortex of Sex and Time Energy decided to grant you a wish, and now you’ve got the same life span as a Time Lord!”
Jack fist-pumped the air.
“Since it no longer hurts me to look at you, I can admit that I’ve loved you ever since I let you on my ship, I just thought it would be really awkward to admit I was gay with Rose there. Do you want to travel with me?”
Jack was passed out, no longer having immortal stamina, but Ianto agreed for them both, and the three went off having loads of adventures and fantastic sex with each other and the Tardis for the rest of ever, at least until they died, but the author decided not to write that cause it would be depressing at the end of a happy story and so instead they were all immortal except without all the bad shit so there.
The End.
My HC Bingo Card