Whiny bitchy stuff - be warned
Well, what do you know, I'm actually updating my livejournal. I can't sleep, got too much on my mind. Mainly my life, or lack thereof.
We all have things that we like to define ourselves by. Sometimes it's an occupation, sometimes a hobby, sometimes it's a faith. But sometimes, it's nothing. Up to a little over a year ago, I spent most of my time preparing for a career in science. I attended university, hoping to one day make PhD. I spent more than three years doing courses, and two being an intern. Eventually, I graduated, with an MSc in biology. And then I became unemployed. I couldn't get myself hired anywhere. I knew there weren't many places for PhD students, but I tried anyway, somehow expecting to get lucky. Out of the very few applications where I got through the first screening, the interviews were to, say the least, embarrassing. I also tried other jobs, callcenters, McDonalds, lab assistant, administrative, etc. No luck. Now, a year later, I'm still unemployed, and mom (I still live at home) is understandably getting annoyed with me.
For almost six years I thought that I was smart, that I was somehow special, but I've come to realize I'm simply a mediocre student, my grades are lousy, and my internships unimpressive. There is no career for me in science, unless every single other student suddenly dies. I look at other options, and I don't see anything I like. I'm not strong enough to do a physically demanding job, my voice is too "whiny" for me to do phone-based work, and while my artwork is apparently interesting enough to get almost non-stop commissions, but that's not enough to get by on. To top that all off, companies are demanding ridiculous things of prospective employees, often demanding several years of experience and training for a specific function, no matter how simple it is, explicitly mentioning that if you don't meet the requirements, they won't even respond.
I'm 26 year old, I have nothing, I know no trade, I'm short and ugly, and I have no social instincts. I don't have a driver's license, and there's no way in hell I could afford a car. I can't even afford new glasses. If I am lucky, I will be making minimum wage for the rest of my fucking life, unless I somehow build up a reserve and get to spend another few years at college learning a trade that'll actually get me a decent job. I constantly get to hear snide remarks about me being unemployed, suggesting I'm a worthless piece of crap. I hear friends telling other people that they're useless because they can't get a job. Are these people right? Who knows. Either way, I'm sick and tired of constantly having to defend myself, of being dependant on my mother, and not being good enough for whatever job I'm applying for. But most of all, I'm tired of not having a future, with no money, and no partner. For me, fun has become synonymous with escape from reality, taking the form of movies, DnD, and artwork. People I see, people I know, have jobs, friends, lives, while I have nothing, and seem unable to make anything happen. I hate to admit it, but I'm becoming jealous of just about everyone.
I've usually tried to remain polite, but I find that I'm getting too frustrated: Too often I have to not say what's on my mind because it'll rub people the wrong way. No more. From now on, at least for the time being, I'm going to not give a damn. Giving a damn never did anything for me, it never made people like me, it never got me a job, never made a task easier. Normally I stay away from everyone when I'm feeling like crap, so others don't need to share in my misery, but not this time. For the time being, I'm just going to say whatever's on my mind, whatever I think of someone, or that person's actions. I won't go out of my way to hurt anyone, but I'm not going to hold anything back either. I am already a loser, in every way possible, there is no further reason to care about what people think of me.
We all have things that we like to define ourselves by. Sometimes it's an occupation, sometimes a hobby, sometimes it's a faith. But sometimes, it's nothing. Up to a little over a year ago, I spent most of my time preparing for a career in science. I attended university, hoping to one day make PhD. I spent more than three years doing courses, and two being an intern. Eventually, I graduated, with an MSc in biology. And then I became unemployed. I couldn't get myself hired anywhere. I knew there weren't many places for PhD students, but I tried anyway, somehow expecting to get lucky. Out of the very few applications where I got through the first screening, the interviews were to, say the least, embarrassing. I also tried other jobs, callcenters, McDonalds, lab assistant, administrative, etc. No luck. Now, a year later, I'm still unemployed, and mom (I still live at home) is understandably getting annoyed with me.
For almost six years I thought that I was smart, that I was somehow special, but I've come to realize I'm simply a mediocre student, my grades are lousy, and my internships unimpressive. There is no career for me in science, unless every single other student suddenly dies. I look at other options, and I don't see anything I like. I'm not strong enough to do a physically demanding job, my voice is too "whiny" for me to do phone-based work, and while my artwork is apparently interesting enough to get almost non-stop commissions, but that's not enough to get by on. To top that all off, companies are demanding ridiculous things of prospective employees, often demanding several years of experience and training for a specific function, no matter how simple it is, explicitly mentioning that if you don't meet the requirements, they won't even respond.
I'm 26 year old, I have nothing, I know no trade, I'm short and ugly, and I have no social instincts. I don't have a driver's license, and there's no way in hell I could afford a car. I can't even afford new glasses. If I am lucky, I will be making minimum wage for the rest of my fucking life, unless I somehow build up a reserve and get to spend another few years at college learning a trade that'll actually get me a decent job. I constantly get to hear snide remarks about me being unemployed, suggesting I'm a worthless piece of crap. I hear friends telling other people that they're useless because they can't get a job. Are these people right? Who knows. Either way, I'm sick and tired of constantly having to defend myself, of being dependant on my mother, and not being good enough for whatever job I'm applying for. But most of all, I'm tired of not having a future, with no money, and no partner. For me, fun has become synonymous with escape from reality, taking the form of movies, DnD, and artwork. People I see, people I know, have jobs, friends, lives, while I have nothing, and seem unable to make anything happen. I hate to admit it, but I'm becoming jealous of just about everyone.
I've usually tried to remain polite, but I find that I'm getting too frustrated: Too often I have to not say what's on my mind because it'll rub people the wrong way. No more. From now on, at least for the time being, I'm going to not give a damn. Giving a damn never did anything for me, it never made people like me, it never got me a job, never made a task easier. Normally I stay away from everyone when I'm feeling like crap, so others don't need to share in my misery, but not this time. For the time being, I'm just going to say whatever's on my mind, whatever I think of someone, or that person's actions. I won't go out of my way to hurt anyone, but I'm not going to hold anything back either. I am already a loser, in every way possible, there is no further reason to care about what people think of me.