what might have been
hmm...im tired. i didnt go to skool today bc i made myself throw up last nite so i cud do my health project! hehe i'm failing & i havent done it so i cudnt NOT turn it in...bc then i wud have a lower grade than i have now, which is a 40 :( ya...newho! lol
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last nite...i cried. again. matt called at like, i wanna say 9:15, and we talked. he kept saying there was hope for me in the future....but i dont know if i should believe him. and i dont know what to do about him and courtney. if i let them go out, i lose a friendship with courtney...and if i say i wont be friends with her if they go out and then they dont, matt will never talk to me again..so either way, i lose. he keeps telling me im hurting myself by not letting go...but i cant. he says that i cant bc i wont. but i cant bc i still love him. i cant just wake up 1 morning & say "oh ya..i decided today im not gonna love matt." its not possible for me. hes the only 1 i've ever loved..(well emily [bargiel] knows otherwise, but i'll talk to her about that seperately!) hehe em, i love him more than tmac...is that possible? see i loved "tmac" more than anything...but i love matt more than life. and i dont even think thats possible! he says i dont rele love him that much, i just think i do, but i know i do. i know how to set my boundries of when i love to much so i wont obsess...and i just fell madly in love with him by november..and he asked me out in september. im not done loving him....and i rele believe hes not done loving me either. i can see it wen he looks at me.....his eyes tell me so much. i can see everything he wants to be & everything thats bothering him & how much he cares for me just wen hes lookin at me. i bet courtney cant do that. i can tell how he loved me & how much he never wanted to lose me when he says i miss you, like he did tuesday. & when he kisses me, like he did monday & tuesday, i can feel his passion for me. (and pls dont tell him i put in the kissing part bc no1s supposed to know).. i know i sound stupid...and it may sound like im making this up, but its what i feel wen im with him.
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well...im gonna try & call him at about 3 or 3:15...i think he has a doctor's appointment today @ 2:30..which was 9 minutes ago lol but maybe he'll be home by then. im gonna go think of what might've happened if i wudnt have gotten mad at him at mr. maroney's party....bye! xoxo, emily
ps: thanx 4 ur replies flo & morgan. flo, i added u.
<3 matthew weldon klinkenberg <3