FIC: Past and Pending; AU Lorne/Zelenka; NC-17 [3/3]
Title: Past and Pending (3/3) [AU]
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Evan Lorne/Radek Zelenka
Summary: Radek finds Evan Lorne under a tree. A love story.
6. vřava
It is February, almost six months since they met and two since the trip to Boston. Radek is waiting outside the arts building in a freezing rain, clutching an umbrella with numb fingers and fighting the urge to pace.
He's nervous, as he usually is these days when Evan is part of the equation. It started in Boston and has gotten progressively…worse. Radek doesn’t know if it’s a worsening or an increasing discord, or if he’s imagining it entirely. But if he isn’t making it up in his head, if he’s right, something is very wrong.
Evan is distant, or he’s desperate with the need to be near, or he is a strange combination of both. Radek has searched for a hint, a clue, as to what it could be and he simply can’t find anything that could explain the constant shifts in mood. Evan has been painting constantly, appears healthy, speaks to his mother every Sunday and never has a negative thing to say about the conversations. Radek can’t say their sex life is changed because if anything…
He is still shaken from an incident that had occurred the day before.
Radek had been in his office, later in the evening that usual, but he was preoccupied with a peer review that he wanted to make some headway with before going home for the night. Besides, he hadn’t any plans for the night. Evan was working the dinner shift that night and wouldn’t be off until after midnight. Radek expected he would work late, order carry out and eat at home in front of the news. Most likely, he would fall asleep before midnight and wake up when Evan came in, shaking him awake to move him into the bedroom.
Radek was tapping his pen against the desk, blinking and rereading a paragraph that didn’t make even the smallest amount of sense-the paper was really horrific-when his office door opened without a knock. He looked up, pushing his glasses up from where they had slid down his nose, opening his mouth to tell whichever insane grad student was traipsing in at seven p.m. that his office hours were long over.
Evan slid through the open door, shutting it behind him and leaning against it with his hands clasped behind his back. Immediately, Radek was worried, which was nothing new. For weeks he had been worried, catching an expression in Evan’s face, a tone to his voice that just wasn’t quite right. Now Evan’s eyes were shuttered, his mouth a hard line. He was flushed from the cold outside, and his chest heaved. He was dressed in his running clothes. Radek wondered if Evan had been running in the park or if he had run all the way from Brooklyn-he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it turned out to be the latter.
Radek made to stand up, to ask what was wrong but Evan held up his hand and said, "Don’t," with a snap to his voice that seemed to startle him as much as it did Radek. He took a struggling breath in and said, softly, "Don’t stand up, I mean. Stay there. Okay?"
"Alright," Radek agreed, settling back into his chair. "Are you alright?"
"I’m fine," Evan said. He took another gulp of air and pulled off the grey knit cap he always wore to run in the cold. His hair, which was growing out a bit, stood on end in every direction. He tossed the hat on one of the chairs in front of Radek’s desk and shucked off his jacket, throwing it there.
"I thought you had a shift."
"Did. Called out."
"Really?" Radek’s eyebrows came up of their own accord. He couldn’t school his features, couldn’t hide his concern. He was never good at things like that. It was unlike Evan to skip work for no reason. "Why?"
"Needed you." Evan said.
"Evan-"
But Evan wouldn’t let him be concerned, wouldn’t hear it in his voice, so he cut him off. "Can I blow you?"
Radek’s jaw dropped, "What are you--"
"Let me," Evan murmured, rounding the desk with a smile that wasn’t easy like his usual toothy grin. Evan dropped gracefully to his knees at Radek’s feet. He looked up through his eyelashes in a way that managed to be both arousing and off-putting. "Don’t you want me to?"
Radek stands in the icy drizzle and remembers how he had hooked one hand under Evan’s chin, guiding him up off the floor, kissing him softly.
"Love you," Evan had murmured, and Radek had smiled.
"I love you too, miláčku. Tell me what is wrong."
"Nothing, it’s nothing."
The word "nothing" echoes through Radek’s brain while he waits. Evan had settled himself into Radek’s lap, kissed his face, sighed into his hair. The more Evan touched and stroked, the more he relaxed. The tightly wound muscles in his shoulders and thighs and the steely posture of his spine, melted as soon as Radek let him touch and mouth and grind, and eventually Evan had sunk back to the floor, pulling Radek’s pants with him.
Radek worries and worries, and sometimes he wonders if Evan's behavior is all because of him, whether Evan wants out. But as often as the thought enters his mind, Radek can dismiss it because he doesn’t know a single person alive who can lie that well-and Radek has known liars. Evan loves him; it’s a truth Radek has learned to accept since the first time he heard the words. Radek can’t doubt it, because he loves Evan with his entire body, with every movement he makes and Evan…
No one has ever loved Radek so well. Radek has never loved like this. It is this love, and the knowledge that he is loved back, that makes Radek worry, causes him to wake at night to wrinkle his brow at Evan, wondering What is wrong, and begging Evan’s sleeping face to Tell me, tell me…
Radek is contemplating going inside to wait when Evan appears, swinging the door open and darting under Radek’s umbrella to drop a kiss on his lips and offer the restrained smile he favors these days. His breath fogs in the air when he says, "Sorry, have you been waiting long?"
"No, not that long," Radek says, "Do you want to hurry away before the dreaded undergrads begin attacking for your phone number?"
"Please, God." Evan agrees with a smile that just barely falls short of his eyes. "We have just enough time to get downtown, I think."
Radek nods, "In a taxi. It is too cold to stand around a platform."
"I’m not gonna argue."
They hail a cab and are gripping handles and hands as they squeal off into Manhattan traffic.
**
They arrive at the gallery, where some of Laura’s sculptures are involved in a new exhibition entitled New Mediums, almost ten minutes late. Evan had seemed fine as far as Radek could tell on the cab ride downtown. But while he is less tense than he has been, he isn't his usual self. There is a tightness to his shoulders, a strange crinkle in the corners of his smile, and when he speaks it’s like he’s choosing his words carefully, measuring them before he lets them out. It is driving Radek insane.
However, the minute they are in the door Laura is there and Evan is hugging her, twirling her, exclaiming over the lace scarf she has fashioned around her shoulders and the impressive turnout that crowds the small gallery. He kisses her temple and congratulates her. It’s a convincing performance of Evan Lorne as Himself.
"Hello, Radek," Laura says, taking Radek’s hands in hers and kissing both his cheeks. "How are you?"
Radek says he is fine, tells Laura she is glowing and tries to find something in her face that could tell him-does she notice that Evan is strained? Does she know why?
But Laura is quickly swept up by people coming into the gallery, and someone is taking Radek’s coat and hanging it for him.
"Wine?" Evan asks once their jackets are gone.
"Yes, and art."
The gallery is overheated. It’s only slightly over zero outside, but inside it must be eighty degrees. Evan pulls at his collar as he talks about one of Laura’s pieces, a huge, twisted beautiful thing, explaining that the medium was aerated cement. Radek is surprised and impressed; it looks like glossed wood.
"How does she do it?"
"High levels of heat and pressure," Evan replies. "Basically, she blows it up. She’s a damn pyro, is what it all comes down to."
Radek twitches a smile. He opens his mouth to ask Evan if he knows how Laura manages to blow up chunks of cement in between working at the shop, sewing costumes and badgering Evan about the performance piece she still goes on about every chance she gets-but Laura herself interrupts him.
"Lorne. I want to borrow you for a minute. You don’t mind, do you Radek?"
"No, of course not," Radek waves a hand. Laura looks determined, which is her default setting, but Evan's glare lacks the playfulness it usually carries when he and Laura pretend to argue. Laura's fingers grip Evan's upper arm tighter the more he tries to stare her down.
"Good!" She smiles sunnily at Radek before turning sternly to Evan, "Lorne, come. Now."
Evan looks miserable as Laura drags him off. Radek wonders what it is she's so set on discussing. It's not the performance piece--if it were, she would have ribbed Evan about it with Radek there to laugh along. In fact, Laura hasn't said much about the piece lately. She has been almost careful around Evan, teasing him less and asking him with care, "You okay, honey?" Radek thinks she knows something about what has Evan so off-kilter, and there is jealousy there because Radek is clueless and frustrated.
After ten minutes or so, Radek gets restless and starts looking around for Evan and Laura in the crowd. The glass front of the gallery is a bit fogged from the heat inside, but he can see well enough to tell that they aren’t out front. Radek makes a circuit of the gallery, keeping his eyes open and his neck craned. He still doesn’t spot them, but he does notice that the gallery has a rear exit. The door is propped open slightly with a brick, probably in an attempt to let out some of the stifling air in the gallery. Radek retrieves his coat from the rack near the door and steps out.
He finds himself in the alley behind the gallery, crowded with boxes and dumpsters. He can hear Laura’s voice coming from a few feet away, on the other side of one of the dumpsters.
"We’ll go back in a minute, Lorne. Talk to me."
Evan’s voice comes back tight with annoyance. "This isn’t something I want to talk about, damn it, and I’m cold."
"You have been a disaster for over a month. Almost two. I don’t blame you, Lorne, I really don’t. But you need to talk to someone about it."
"I talked to you."
"You told me in three sentences, once. You should tell Radek."
"I can’t."
"Why not?"
"Let me define the word classified for you, Cadman-"
"Oh give me a break! You told me!"
"You’re different…you’re…military."
Laura snorts indelicately. "Am not. Daddy is; doesn’t make me anything but an army brat."
"You understand."
"And Radek won’t?"
Radek leans against the wall on his side of the dumpster. He knows he should go inside, let Evan tell him about whatever it is that is bothering him on his own time. But Laura was right-two months of wondering, and Radek is reaching the end of his tether.
"I don’t know," Evan is saying. "It’s a lot to dump on a person-"
"Lorne, he’s an astrophysicist for God’s sake, he’ll know-"
"-that doesn’t mean-"
"-and don’t think I don’t know that’s part of why you were so into him in the first place."
There is a long pause and then Evan says, "Fuck you, Cadman."
"Oh, I’m not saying it’s why you stayed. I mean, you do have a thing for the smart ones, Lorne. You admit it yourself. Listen, I know you love the guy. He loves you. It’s cute as hell, really it is. But you thought to yourself, when you met him, here is someone who might understand some day. When you decided to tell, you wanted someone who would get it."
"You don’t know-"
"Does he know about David?"
"No."
Radek feels his body go hot, despite the freeze around him. David. Radek cannot think beyond the name: David.
He turns and lets himself back into the gallery. He stands there for a moment, with no idea where he should go now. Leave? Stay? Wait for Evan, smile as though he didn’t just eavesdrop on the conversation, pretend he doesn’t want to ask, Who is David?
Radek doesn’t want to think the things he thinks then, wants to hold on to what he knows to be true. Evan is too honest to be involved with someone else and keep it from Radek. His expressions always give him away. Radek would know-
But he doesn’t know. He hasn’t known what is in Evan’s head for months now and suddenly Radek is terrified to find out.
He leaves.
7. odkrýt
Radek takes a cab the short distance to his apartment and finds himself sitting by the window an hour later. He misses the pigeons. They don’t come at night.
He wonders about Evan, about the mysterious David, and about classified information. Radek can’t begin to imagine what has happened. Evan is no longer a member of the service, so this must have something to do with his past and not something that has happened recently. At least, not whatever it was that is considered "classified". Nothing makes any sense. Radek's mind is wild with possibilities, and he's angry--angry that Laura knows what he does not, that Evan won't just tell him, and at himself for his own doubt.
Radek wants to find paper and pencil, write out equations and scratch his head over them. He wants to do something that he understands. Radek understands science. He contemplates doing just that. Perhaps a millennium problem, for fun. He could chase his own tail round and round on some impossible hypothesis and lose himself in the magic and beauty and solidity of numbers.
He can’t move.
Radek hears the key in the lock and looks to the door as Evan lets himself in. They exchanged keys just before the trip to Boston. Evan spends most of his time in Radek’s apartment. Radek can’t think of any recent night that Evan didn’t spend here. David, Radek’s brain supplies. Who must he be, if Evan can’t have been seeing him in all this time. A coworker, perhaps. A distant relative.
"You’re here." Evan says, surprised. "Why did you leave?"
"I…"
Radek looks back out to the alley below and tries to find the correct words. Perhaps he could say everything in Czech and be done with it. Let Evan figure it out, let him wonder for a change. Radek is suddenly very tired, the anger ebbing away. He turns, sagging against the window sill, and wishes he was the type to shout. Instead, he feels he can barely speak.
"What is making you like this?" He asks, softly, not looking at Evan.
"Like...like what?"
Evan shuts the door to the apartment. Radek hears the locks clicking into place, listens to the swish of fabric as Evan takes off his coat. He turns away from the window.
"Please--just tell me. Who is David?"
Radek's hands move, even as he tries to still them. He feels the urge to stretch out his arms and turn up his palms in a plea for truth. He ends up crossing them tightly across his chest, holding himself up. Evan had been moving around, putting his keys down and picking things up off the kitchen table. He stops, suddenly and Radek closes his eyes in the dead silence.
"How do you…"
"I came to find you. I heard…things. I’m sorry I listened, I just wanted-I have been afraid-"
"Radek, I-"
"Who is David?"
Radek is afraid that he sounds like a shrill fishwife, despite the way his voice has become barely more than a whisper. He thinks he probably sounds suspicious and jealous. Perhaps he does, but he's mostly confused and sick with worry.
"A friend of mine," Evan says, "from before. He…died. Recently."
Evan is standing with his arms frozen at his sides. His eyes are wide, and he looks frightened and poised for action, like an animal about to bolt. Radek pushes away from the window taking a step toward Evan, reaching out not to touch but in question.
"Why would you not tell me this?"
"I can’t tell you about it, it’s…I can’t." Evan shifts his weight as though debating stepping away.
Radek takes another step closer, slowly so as not to startle him. "It’s classified?"
"Yes." Evan says shortly, making jerky little movements with his hands. He crosses and uncrosses his arms, turns his head away, and Radek can see his jaw clenching against whatever it is he can't say.
"You could have--" Radek struggles not to move any closer, not to pull Evan in and hold him until the pain passes. "You might have said you lost someone."
"I would have wanted-I want to tell you, Radek. I need to tell someone and." Evan finally moves, though he doesn't back away as Radek expected. It's a relief when he lurches to the side, clumsily stumbling to sit on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his hands at his temples. "There is no shrink to go to for this, unless I go to one of theirs and I just can’t."
Certain now that Evan isn't going to move further away from him, Radek prods gently. "Theirs?"
Evan drops his hands to hang loosely between his knees. He stares at Radek, considering him. After several moments he holds out one hand and says softly, "Come here. Please?"
Radek goes, sits next to him. Evan is finally looking him in the eyes and what Radek sees in them is enough to knock him breathless. He fumbles for Evan's hand, tangling their fingers and squeezing, hard. "I--"
Evan shushes him by raising his free hand and shaking his head slightly.
"What you heard…Did you think--?"
Radek looks down at their hands and swallows hard. Evan ducks to find his eyes again and says, "You thought there was someone else."
"I did not know." Radek whispers, feeling guilty but with that voice in the back of his head insisting that it could have been true.
Evan tightens his grip on Radek's hand and sucks in a breath. "Jesus Christ, Radek. There would never be anyone else."
Radek stutters. "I...You. I'm sorry, I--"
Evan just sighs. He manages to look both exasperated and fond. He says, "Love you. You know?"
"Yes," Radek breathes, and finally he can speak. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I just. I didn't know>--"
Evan waves a hand, "Wait. Listen."
Radek waits.
"I’m going to tell you something very, very big," Evan says, his voice steadying over each word. He looks up, takes Radek’s hands. "And you are going to fucking freak out. Do you understand? This is really, really big."
"I understand," Radek says. He swallows against the relief in his throat. "Tell me, please."
"Radek, I wasn’t shot down over Afghanistan."
Before Radek can say a word, Evan is hushing him with his fingers. "I’m going to tell you, just let me. Okay?"
Radek nods. He would let Evan talk for days if it came to that.
Evan starts talking, and somewhere around "wormhole travel", Radek nearly faints. He does not faint, but springs up from his sofa shouting in Czech and Evan is watching him with the smallest of smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"...traveling so far within the galaxy!" Radek is muttering, "In a millisecond...oh my God. The power involved--"
"Well," Evan interrupts, drawling a little, "yeah. It's a lot of power. But they kind of...found a really good battery. We can get to, uh...other galaxies with it. I mean, we don't have one with a charge anymore but--"
"Other galaxies?"
"One. Pegasus."
Radek drops back down onto the sofa with a soft thump. "I can't--How?"
"Zero Point Module. I don't know how they work, exactly, but--"
"As in zero point energy?" Radek whispers hoarsely, hands in his own hair, tugging. It creates a bit of an Einstein effect, and with his eyes wide behind his glasses, he looks every bit the mad scientist.
"Yeah. That's about...right."
Radek let's out a hysterical, strangled laugh that he swallows, gasping and staring at Evan in wonder.
"You look like I just told you you won a million dollars and oh, by the way, Santa Claus is real." Evan says, smiling fondly.
"I--" Radek throws up his hands, which are itching to grab something to write with and figure it out. But he can't seem to stop staring at Evan, who really has sort of handed Radek the world just now. So he takes his hands and grabs for Evan, kisses him hard and goes straight for the buttons on his shirt.
Evan laughs into Radek's mouth, twists his head to the side and says, "Don't you want to--"
"Not now." Radek says sharply. "I can't think about it. Stop. We need to--"
"Yeah," Evan agrees, shrugging out of his shirt and standing up. He pulls Radek with him. "Yeah, we really do."
They don't make it to the bedroom, deciding instead to strip halfway out of their clothes before falling back onto the sofa, bare chests and legs still trapped in tangled pants. Radek presses down against Evan, aligning their cocks so that skin can move slickly against skin, hot and velvety. Shuddering, they cling to each other, Evan's arms tight around Radek while Radek breathes into the crook of Evan's neck.
Radek thanks the stars that Evan is here, under him and against him, that it's all going to be okay. He forgets all about space-time and wormholes when he comes, hot and sticky, all over himself and Evan. Evan follows soon after, his mouth wet against Radek's cheek, stammering nonsensically.
"Thank you," Radek says, and it comes from somewhere deep and gravelly, the part of himself that had been so terrified. He isn't sure what he's thanking Evan for; whether it's for telling Radek, breaking open the universe with a handful of words, or for not leaving him--it doesn't matter. Radek says, "I love you."
Later, once they are slightly less sticky but much more naked and settled in bed, Evan continues to talk. He explains that David Parrish was one of his team members, that Evan was injured in a crash involving something called a puddlejumper, and subsequently sent home. Before any of that is revealed though, Evan tells Radek about crossing the threshold into another galaxy.
"We didn’t know if we’d be able to get back right away, if things were…well, the way they ended up being, I guess."
Radek focuses on breathing, in and out, in and out. "How did you get back?"
"The Daedalus," Evan replies. "It’s a ship."
"A space ship," Radek clarifies, "One that can travel between galaxies?"
"Yeah. Hyperdrive."
"Oh, my God."
"Yeah. Sorry. Do you want some water? Or anything?"
Evan is only half teasing. Radek has calmed slightly, his initial shock dampened by post-sex fog, though he still can't quite believe it.
"No, please. Tell me the rest."
Evan tells Radek about the city under miles of ocean, of the jolting shake as it rose from the water and into sunlight. "It was bright. Really bright. And we were up. It was…amazing."
He describes the craft called a puddlejumper. "We took them out and they flew like a dream for gene carriers. So cool, Radek. You could probably tinker around with one for the rest of your life. They are so cool."
But there hadn’t been enough power to use the stargate to return to Earth, so the expedition began to search for power sources. On one mission through the gate, Evan’s craft was attacked.
"Fucking Genii," Evan spat, "I went down like an anvil. Inertial dampeners were done for and when I hit, I hit hard. The injuries were exactly like I said before-My arm, my leg. I ended up with a pretty bad infection. The Daedalus finally came a few weeks after that and they shipped me home."
Radek knows he should be more shocked than he actually is. The cognitive dissonance he should be feeling, however, isn’t quite happening. He is torn between the desire to hear the rest of the story, to understand who David Parrish was and what he meant to Evan and the burning need to grab paper and pen and start figuring out how any of this is remotely possible. His skin tingles.
"I never saw David again," Evan says. "He was a botanist. Funny little…scientist guy."
"You like those."
"I do."
"Did you love him?"
"I don’t know," Evan says, and for the first time in what feels like such a long time, his face is open again and Radek knows he means it. "But it was okay. I came back here, to Earth-"
Radek feels slightly faint again.
"-and he was still there, and that was okay. I moved on, obviously. I came here, I found you, I’m happy." Evan draws in a deep breath. "Never doubt that I’m happy, Radek."
Evan smiles at him and touches him and sighs. "But they lost the city several weeks ago. There was no one there who really knew how to fix it, you know? That’s what I got from Sheppard’s email, anyway. He said he was back and that it was over. That’s all he can really say."
"Classified, yes." Radek murmurs absently, his brain alternating between Wormhole Travel!, alight with the space, the numbers, the possibility of it all and Lost city of Atlantis, my God and Evan, Evan, Evan.
"But when I left things were real bad," Evan is saying. "We couldn’t get anything to work right. Simpson and Kavanagh got the city out of the water but once that was done and the ZPM’s-"
Zero Point Module, my GOD!
"-were more or less depleted. Shields were a disaster and the Wraith…But they were gonna give it their best shot. SGC, I mean. With the city."
Space vampires, můj bože.
"They failed, though."
"Yeah. Sheppard told me in the email, who was gone. David, Simpson, Elizabeth…a lot of others. It’s just been…hard. I thought someday I could find them all, see how everything turned out. See David, introduce you to him. God, introduce you to Elizabeth, you would love her. Sheppard couldn’t give me specifics so I don’t even know how the city was when they left it. I don’t know if it’s still there or if the Wraith flattened it, sunk her to the bottom of the sea."
"You found out just after Boston?"
"Yeah."
Radek gets a grip on himself and meets Evan’s troubled eyes. "Oh, miláčku."
Evan sighs and casts his eyes away. "I’m sorry, Radek. I’ve been a mess and I’m so sorry I put you through it, but I didn’t know if I could say anything. I should’ve known."
"Please, don’t apologize," Radek says, taking Evan’s face in his hands and leaning in to rest their foreheads together. Evan leans into the touch.
"I love you," Evan says, gripping Radek’s forearms. Radek murmurs softly in Czech, "Miluju tě."
8. naživu
In the spring, when the buildings of New York City finally stop creating whistling tunnels of wind that could knock a person over and the sun is trying its best to warm what bits of sidewalk it can reach as Spring tries to beat Winter into submission, Radek finds himself loitering against the wall of a downtown gallery on his new cell phone, with Rodney McKay gabbing away on the other end of the line.
"I hope your flyboy is good, whatever it is he’s doing." Rodney grumbles, "I'd come witness his genius, but I have to be in Colorado in three days and then I’m leaving the planet."
Radek rolls his eyes and says, "Quite alright, Rodney. I'll send Evan your love."
"Yes, well." Rodney clears his throat."If I’m killed by Goa’uld or something, I’d like you to know that uh, it's been...That is--"
In a few days, Rodney will take his first steps into Cheyenne Mountain. Radek smiles to himself, remembering the flash of blue, the slug of the event horizon shooting outward then sucking back in to settle, serenely, into a shimmering gateway.
It had been surprisingly simple to attract the SGC. Evan had suggested it over breakfast a handful of weeks after he told Radek the biggest secret the military was trying to keep.
"Write a paper," he had said without preamble.
"What?" Radek froze with his coffee halfway to his lips. He set the mug down and waited for Evan to explain.
"You want to go," Evan had said, waving his hand upward to the sky. "So write a paper that gets a little too close to what they don’t want anyone to know, and they’ll be on you like bees to honey. Do it."
"I don’t-"
"You’ve been jumpy as hell ever since you found out. You wanna go." Evan shrugged. "I don't blame you, Radek. I...I would go back if I could. I don't think I can ever...But I want you to do it, if that's what you want."
So Radek had done it and lo and behold, Samantha Carter had been in his living room exchanging pleasantries with Evan and jumping as pigeons made kamikaze flights at Radek’s curtains.
Radek will make another trip to Colorado in the summer and he will consult with Rodney concerning repairs to Atlantis.
"You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?"
Radek snaps back to the present. "What?"
Rodney sighs over the line. "Atlantis."
"Yes, yes. I was thinking about it."
"You know, it’s probably the bravest thing I’ve ever done, agreeing to go. Wraith! Hello! But with the ZedPM find we can shield and I guess that reduces some of the danger, right? Right, Radek? At least you’ll be there, every once in a while."
"Hmm," Radek agrees vaguely. He tries not to regret the fact that Rodney happened to be working on similar theories when Radek was being scooped up by the SGC. He also tries not to be annoyed that Rodney came up with all of it without any prior knowledge of the existence of the stargate whereas Radek had a bit of a nudge in the right direction.
Rodney had broken confidentiality within hours of the offer, calling Radek and crowing, "You’ll never believe where I’m going!"
"Listen," Radek says now, "I have to go, Evan starts soon."
"Right. Art spectacle. Well, I guess I'll see you when I see you."
"In a few months." Radek says with as much reassurance as he can muster. "You'll be fine, Rodney. Evan tells me that this Sheppard is quite impressive."
"Right, right. Trust me, I've heard all about the infamous Colonel Sheppard from Carter, who I think has a crush on the guy. I don't know what makes him that great, really. I'll find out when I meet him in, oh, God. Three days. Radek--"
"Rodney. I'll talk to you soon."
"Right."
Radek clicks the phone shut and heads into the gallery space.
It is cool in the gallery, a breeze coming in off the street when the door opens and the last stragglers file in. Radek settles in a folding chair and breathes deep, letting the conversation with Rodney fall away as he takes in the space.
The stage is empty, backdropped by a billowing white fabric. The lights dim until they go out, and the space is plunged into blackness. Then, a projector flicks on, casting the white sheet at the back of the stage in a watery blue light that ripples and undulates. Evan, in black, stands in front of the waves of blue.
Radek notices Laura off to a side, watching with her hands clasped and looking like Christmas has come early.
Evan is still, standing at attention at center stage, and then the sounds begin.
It is a whirring, a grinding, a sonic booming and then it’s wind, it’s a squeal, and the backdrop is changing to fiery red, to blurs of stars and then bright, bright white.
Evan doesn’t move. He is ramrod straight and at attention, his body screaming soldier from every angle.
Radek leans forward to watch closely. Evan has never been so still.
He stands in front of the stark whiteness until a burst of color explodes behind him, and then there are images spinning out and around.
"Milky Way," Radek murmurs. He is watching so closely that he sees it before anyone could have perceived it. Evan is relaxing, inch by inch. He is letting his shoulders drop, loosening his hands, letting his hips slouch just so. The images on the scrim are zooming in fast, through clusters of stars, past bits of rock and swinging around the Moon, and then burning up in Earth’s atmosphere-by the time it stops, in a cacophony of light and increasing sound, Evan is on the ground with his head in his hands.
The sounds abruptly cease and there is a long, protracted silence. When the silence is cut, it is by the softest tones of a piano.
Evan is unlacing his boots and throwing them aside along with socks. He is stripping out of his shirt, struggling to his feet to deal with his belt. Across his chest there are symbols painted in black greasepaint. He turns away, and the symbols continue on his back.
Radek recognizes the shapes of gate symbols immediately.
Evan is stepping out of his black BDU’s, left only in a pair of gray boxer briefs, stretching his arms out as the burning atmosphere behind him explodes into constellations, then back to whiteness and then there are numbers, symbols, scratches and scribbles in black, flowing over the screen. Evan, with arms outstretched, steps backwards one, two, three steps and the projections cast themselves over his bare skin, mingling with the symbols that lead to Pegasus.
Radek knows the chicken scratch that flows over Evan’s body. It is his own writing, probably taken directly from one of his notebooks. It’s wormhole theory and power schematics he started toying with not long after Evan poured out the story of Atlantis to him months before. Radek can barely breathe as the sound of crashing waves overpowers the performance space.
Evan’s face is shining with tear tracks as he lowers his arms, breathing heavily. Without warning, the theater is pitch black and silent.
When the lights return, Evan is gone.
9. vznik
That night, Radek removes the paint from Evan’s skin with cold cream and a soft cloth. He strips away the gray briefs and throws them to a far off corner. He traces constellations into Evan’s thighs, whispers numbers into his ear.
Radek slides slowly into Evan’s body and tells him, in Czech, that he will never leave him, that he is beautiful. He tells him, in English, that he loves him and gasps words he can’t seem to hang onto as he thrusts and Evan pushes to meet him. Evan’s back ripples, black streaks, traces of makeup running with sweat down to the dip just above his ass.
"You were like a supernova," Radek murmurs, once they are both wrung out and sated with legs draped over one another and hands sliding over sweat-slick skin. "It was... transcendent."
It had been. Radek wishes he had the words to explain that watching Evan had been like the world outside the gallery doors, changing and shifting, making room for things to come. Evan, with equations flickering over his face and glyphs painted on his skin, had been a gust of fresh air blowing away dead leaves and uncertainty, carrying with it the promise of sun and renewal.
"Laura rewrote it," Evan says sleepily, "Because of you."
And this, Radek wants to say, is the crux. It was about both of them. He has no idea what the piece would have looked like had Evan agreed to perform it months ago. He doesn't know what Laura had originally planned. He does know that after the performance, Laura had clasped both their hands and for once, didn't say anything. Radek thinks about Laura's smile, Evan's flushed skin decorated with dead language, and the plane tickets (to Pegasus, by way of Colorado) buried under the detritus of Radek's desk.
He presses his lips to Evan's forehead.
"I will never forget it," Radek whispers, "Dosmrti, dosmrti na to nezapomenu."
End.
Chapter titles: 6. confusion, 7. disclose, 8. alive, 9. beginning
Translation! Dosmrti, dosmrti na to nezapomenu = "I will remember it until my death" (Letters From Pegasus)
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Evan Lorne/Radek Zelenka
Summary: Radek finds Evan Lorne under a tree. A love story.
6. vřava
It is February, almost six months since they met and two since the trip to Boston. Radek is waiting outside the arts building in a freezing rain, clutching an umbrella with numb fingers and fighting the urge to pace.
He's nervous, as he usually is these days when Evan is part of the equation. It started in Boston and has gotten progressively…worse. Radek doesn’t know if it’s a worsening or an increasing discord, or if he’s imagining it entirely. But if he isn’t making it up in his head, if he’s right, something is very wrong.
Evan is distant, or he’s desperate with the need to be near, or he is a strange combination of both. Radek has searched for a hint, a clue, as to what it could be and he simply can’t find anything that could explain the constant shifts in mood. Evan has been painting constantly, appears healthy, speaks to his mother every Sunday and never has a negative thing to say about the conversations. Radek can’t say their sex life is changed because if anything…
He is still shaken from an incident that had occurred the day before.
Radek had been in his office, later in the evening that usual, but he was preoccupied with a peer review that he wanted to make some headway with before going home for the night. Besides, he hadn’t any plans for the night. Evan was working the dinner shift that night and wouldn’t be off until after midnight. Radek expected he would work late, order carry out and eat at home in front of the news. Most likely, he would fall asleep before midnight and wake up when Evan came in, shaking him awake to move him into the bedroom.
Radek was tapping his pen against the desk, blinking and rereading a paragraph that didn’t make even the smallest amount of sense-the paper was really horrific-when his office door opened without a knock. He looked up, pushing his glasses up from where they had slid down his nose, opening his mouth to tell whichever insane grad student was traipsing in at seven p.m. that his office hours were long over.
Evan slid through the open door, shutting it behind him and leaning against it with his hands clasped behind his back. Immediately, Radek was worried, which was nothing new. For weeks he had been worried, catching an expression in Evan’s face, a tone to his voice that just wasn’t quite right. Now Evan’s eyes were shuttered, his mouth a hard line. He was flushed from the cold outside, and his chest heaved. He was dressed in his running clothes. Radek wondered if Evan had been running in the park or if he had run all the way from Brooklyn-he wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if it turned out to be the latter.
Radek made to stand up, to ask what was wrong but Evan held up his hand and said, "Don’t," with a snap to his voice that seemed to startle him as much as it did Radek. He took a struggling breath in and said, softly, "Don’t stand up, I mean. Stay there. Okay?"
"Alright," Radek agreed, settling back into his chair. "Are you alright?"
"I’m fine," Evan said. He took another gulp of air and pulled off the grey knit cap he always wore to run in the cold. His hair, which was growing out a bit, stood on end in every direction. He tossed the hat on one of the chairs in front of Radek’s desk and shucked off his jacket, throwing it there.
"I thought you had a shift."
"Did. Called out."
"Really?" Radek’s eyebrows came up of their own accord. He couldn’t school his features, couldn’t hide his concern. He was never good at things like that. It was unlike Evan to skip work for no reason. "Why?"
"Needed you." Evan said.
"Evan-"
But Evan wouldn’t let him be concerned, wouldn’t hear it in his voice, so he cut him off. "Can I blow you?"
Radek’s jaw dropped, "What are you--"
"Let me," Evan murmured, rounding the desk with a smile that wasn’t easy like his usual toothy grin. Evan dropped gracefully to his knees at Radek’s feet. He looked up through his eyelashes in a way that managed to be both arousing and off-putting. "Don’t you want me to?"
Radek stands in the icy drizzle and remembers how he had hooked one hand under Evan’s chin, guiding him up off the floor, kissing him softly.
"Love you," Evan had murmured, and Radek had smiled.
"I love you too, miláčku. Tell me what is wrong."
"Nothing, it’s nothing."
The word "nothing" echoes through Radek’s brain while he waits. Evan had settled himself into Radek’s lap, kissed his face, sighed into his hair. The more Evan touched and stroked, the more he relaxed. The tightly wound muscles in his shoulders and thighs and the steely posture of his spine, melted as soon as Radek let him touch and mouth and grind, and eventually Evan had sunk back to the floor, pulling Radek’s pants with him.
Radek worries and worries, and sometimes he wonders if Evan's behavior is all because of him, whether Evan wants out. But as often as the thought enters his mind, Radek can dismiss it because he doesn’t know a single person alive who can lie that well-and Radek has known liars. Evan loves him; it’s a truth Radek has learned to accept since the first time he heard the words. Radek can’t doubt it, because he loves Evan with his entire body, with every movement he makes and Evan…
No one has ever loved Radek so well. Radek has never loved like this. It is this love, and the knowledge that he is loved back, that makes Radek worry, causes him to wake at night to wrinkle his brow at Evan, wondering What is wrong, and begging Evan’s sleeping face to Tell me, tell me…
Radek is contemplating going inside to wait when Evan appears, swinging the door open and darting under Radek’s umbrella to drop a kiss on his lips and offer the restrained smile he favors these days. His breath fogs in the air when he says, "Sorry, have you been waiting long?"
"No, not that long," Radek says, "Do you want to hurry away before the dreaded undergrads begin attacking for your phone number?"
"Please, God." Evan agrees with a smile that just barely falls short of his eyes. "We have just enough time to get downtown, I think."
Radek nods, "In a taxi. It is too cold to stand around a platform."
"I’m not gonna argue."
They hail a cab and are gripping handles and hands as they squeal off into Manhattan traffic.
**
They arrive at the gallery, where some of Laura’s sculptures are involved in a new exhibition entitled New Mediums, almost ten minutes late. Evan had seemed fine as far as Radek could tell on the cab ride downtown. But while he is less tense than he has been, he isn't his usual self. There is a tightness to his shoulders, a strange crinkle in the corners of his smile, and when he speaks it’s like he’s choosing his words carefully, measuring them before he lets them out. It is driving Radek insane.
However, the minute they are in the door Laura is there and Evan is hugging her, twirling her, exclaiming over the lace scarf she has fashioned around her shoulders and the impressive turnout that crowds the small gallery. He kisses her temple and congratulates her. It’s a convincing performance of Evan Lorne as Himself.
"Hello, Radek," Laura says, taking Radek’s hands in hers and kissing both his cheeks. "How are you?"
Radek says he is fine, tells Laura she is glowing and tries to find something in her face that could tell him-does she notice that Evan is strained? Does she know why?
But Laura is quickly swept up by people coming into the gallery, and someone is taking Radek’s coat and hanging it for him.
"Wine?" Evan asks once their jackets are gone.
"Yes, and art."
The gallery is overheated. It’s only slightly over zero outside, but inside it must be eighty degrees. Evan pulls at his collar as he talks about one of Laura’s pieces, a huge, twisted beautiful thing, explaining that the medium was aerated cement. Radek is surprised and impressed; it looks like glossed wood.
"How does she do it?"
"High levels of heat and pressure," Evan replies. "Basically, she blows it up. She’s a damn pyro, is what it all comes down to."
Radek twitches a smile. He opens his mouth to ask Evan if he knows how Laura manages to blow up chunks of cement in between working at the shop, sewing costumes and badgering Evan about the performance piece she still goes on about every chance she gets-but Laura herself interrupts him.
"Lorne. I want to borrow you for a minute. You don’t mind, do you Radek?"
"No, of course not," Radek waves a hand. Laura looks determined, which is her default setting, but Evan's glare lacks the playfulness it usually carries when he and Laura pretend to argue. Laura's fingers grip Evan's upper arm tighter the more he tries to stare her down.
"Good!" She smiles sunnily at Radek before turning sternly to Evan, "Lorne, come. Now."
Evan looks miserable as Laura drags him off. Radek wonders what it is she's so set on discussing. It's not the performance piece--if it were, she would have ribbed Evan about it with Radek there to laugh along. In fact, Laura hasn't said much about the piece lately. She has been almost careful around Evan, teasing him less and asking him with care, "You okay, honey?" Radek thinks she knows something about what has Evan so off-kilter, and there is jealousy there because Radek is clueless and frustrated.
After ten minutes or so, Radek gets restless and starts looking around for Evan and Laura in the crowd. The glass front of the gallery is a bit fogged from the heat inside, but he can see well enough to tell that they aren’t out front. Radek makes a circuit of the gallery, keeping his eyes open and his neck craned. He still doesn’t spot them, but he does notice that the gallery has a rear exit. The door is propped open slightly with a brick, probably in an attempt to let out some of the stifling air in the gallery. Radek retrieves his coat from the rack near the door and steps out.
He finds himself in the alley behind the gallery, crowded with boxes and dumpsters. He can hear Laura’s voice coming from a few feet away, on the other side of one of the dumpsters.
"We’ll go back in a minute, Lorne. Talk to me."
Evan’s voice comes back tight with annoyance. "This isn’t something I want to talk about, damn it, and I’m cold."
"You have been a disaster for over a month. Almost two. I don’t blame you, Lorne, I really don’t. But you need to talk to someone about it."
"I talked to you."
"You told me in three sentences, once. You should tell Radek."
"I can’t."
"Why not?"
"Let me define the word classified for you, Cadman-"
"Oh give me a break! You told me!"
"You’re different…you’re…military."
Laura snorts indelicately. "Am not. Daddy is; doesn’t make me anything but an army brat."
"You understand."
"And Radek won’t?"
Radek leans against the wall on his side of the dumpster. He knows he should go inside, let Evan tell him about whatever it is that is bothering him on his own time. But Laura was right-two months of wondering, and Radek is reaching the end of his tether.
"I don’t know," Evan is saying. "It’s a lot to dump on a person-"
"Lorne, he’s an astrophysicist for God’s sake, he’ll know-"
"-that doesn’t mean-"
"-and don’t think I don’t know that’s part of why you were so into him in the first place."
There is a long pause and then Evan says, "Fuck you, Cadman."
"Oh, I’m not saying it’s why you stayed. I mean, you do have a thing for the smart ones, Lorne. You admit it yourself. Listen, I know you love the guy. He loves you. It’s cute as hell, really it is. But you thought to yourself, when you met him, here is someone who might understand some day. When you decided to tell, you wanted someone who would get it."
"You don’t know-"
"Does he know about David?"
"No."
Radek feels his body go hot, despite the freeze around him. David. Radek cannot think beyond the name: David.
He turns and lets himself back into the gallery. He stands there for a moment, with no idea where he should go now. Leave? Stay? Wait for Evan, smile as though he didn’t just eavesdrop on the conversation, pretend he doesn’t want to ask, Who is David?
Radek doesn’t want to think the things he thinks then, wants to hold on to what he knows to be true. Evan is too honest to be involved with someone else and keep it from Radek. His expressions always give him away. Radek would know-
But he doesn’t know. He hasn’t known what is in Evan’s head for months now and suddenly Radek is terrified to find out.
He leaves.
7. odkrýt
Radek takes a cab the short distance to his apartment and finds himself sitting by the window an hour later. He misses the pigeons. They don’t come at night.
He wonders about Evan, about the mysterious David, and about classified information. Radek can’t begin to imagine what has happened. Evan is no longer a member of the service, so this must have something to do with his past and not something that has happened recently. At least, not whatever it was that is considered "classified". Nothing makes any sense. Radek's mind is wild with possibilities, and he's angry--angry that Laura knows what he does not, that Evan won't just tell him, and at himself for his own doubt.
Radek wants to find paper and pencil, write out equations and scratch his head over them. He wants to do something that he understands. Radek understands science. He contemplates doing just that. Perhaps a millennium problem, for fun. He could chase his own tail round and round on some impossible hypothesis and lose himself in the magic and beauty and solidity of numbers.
He can’t move.
Radek hears the key in the lock and looks to the door as Evan lets himself in. They exchanged keys just before the trip to Boston. Evan spends most of his time in Radek’s apartment. Radek can’t think of any recent night that Evan didn’t spend here. David, Radek’s brain supplies. Who must he be, if Evan can’t have been seeing him in all this time. A coworker, perhaps. A distant relative.
"You’re here." Evan says, surprised. "Why did you leave?"
"I…"
Radek looks back out to the alley below and tries to find the correct words. Perhaps he could say everything in Czech and be done with it. Let Evan figure it out, let him wonder for a change. Radek is suddenly very tired, the anger ebbing away. He turns, sagging against the window sill, and wishes he was the type to shout. Instead, he feels he can barely speak.
"What is making you like this?" He asks, softly, not looking at Evan.
"Like...like what?"
Evan shuts the door to the apartment. Radek hears the locks clicking into place, listens to the swish of fabric as Evan takes off his coat. He turns away from the window.
"Please--just tell me. Who is David?"
Radek's hands move, even as he tries to still them. He feels the urge to stretch out his arms and turn up his palms in a plea for truth. He ends up crossing them tightly across his chest, holding himself up. Evan had been moving around, putting his keys down and picking things up off the kitchen table. He stops, suddenly and Radek closes his eyes in the dead silence.
"How do you…"
"I came to find you. I heard…things. I’m sorry I listened, I just wanted-I have been afraid-"
"Radek, I-"
"Who is David?"
Radek is afraid that he sounds like a shrill fishwife, despite the way his voice has become barely more than a whisper. He thinks he probably sounds suspicious and jealous. Perhaps he does, but he's mostly confused and sick with worry.
"A friend of mine," Evan says, "from before. He…died. Recently."
Evan is standing with his arms frozen at his sides. His eyes are wide, and he looks frightened and poised for action, like an animal about to bolt. Radek pushes away from the window taking a step toward Evan, reaching out not to touch but in question.
"Why would you not tell me this?"
"I can’t tell you about it, it’s…I can’t." Evan shifts his weight as though debating stepping away.
Radek takes another step closer, slowly so as not to startle him. "It’s classified?"
"Yes." Evan says shortly, making jerky little movements with his hands. He crosses and uncrosses his arms, turns his head away, and Radek can see his jaw clenching against whatever it is he can't say.
"You could have--" Radek struggles not to move any closer, not to pull Evan in and hold him until the pain passes. "You might have said you lost someone."
"I would have wanted-I want to tell you, Radek. I need to tell someone and." Evan finally moves, though he doesn't back away as Radek expected. It's a relief when he lurches to the side, clumsily stumbling to sit on the sofa, his elbows on his knees and his hands at his temples. "There is no shrink to go to for this, unless I go to one of theirs and I just can’t."
Certain now that Evan isn't going to move further away from him, Radek prods gently. "Theirs?"
Evan drops his hands to hang loosely between his knees. He stares at Radek, considering him. After several moments he holds out one hand and says softly, "Come here. Please?"
Radek goes, sits next to him. Evan is finally looking him in the eyes and what Radek sees in them is enough to knock him breathless. He fumbles for Evan's hand, tangling their fingers and squeezing, hard. "I--"
Evan shushes him by raising his free hand and shaking his head slightly.
"What you heard…Did you think--?"
Radek looks down at their hands and swallows hard. Evan ducks to find his eyes again and says, "You thought there was someone else."
"I did not know." Radek whispers, feeling guilty but with that voice in the back of his head insisting that it could have been true.
Evan tightens his grip on Radek's hand and sucks in a breath. "Jesus Christ, Radek. There would never be anyone else."
Radek stutters. "I...You. I'm sorry, I--"
Evan just sighs. He manages to look both exasperated and fond. He says, "Love you. You know?"
"Yes," Radek breathes, and finally he can speak. "Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I just. I didn't know>--"
Evan waves a hand, "Wait. Listen."
Radek waits.
"I’m going to tell you something very, very big," Evan says, his voice steadying over each word. He looks up, takes Radek’s hands. "And you are going to fucking freak out. Do you understand? This is really, really big."
"I understand," Radek says. He swallows against the relief in his throat. "Tell me, please."
"Radek, I wasn’t shot down over Afghanistan."
Before Radek can say a word, Evan is hushing him with his fingers. "I’m going to tell you, just let me. Okay?"
Radek nods. He would let Evan talk for days if it came to that.
Evan starts talking, and somewhere around "wormhole travel", Radek nearly faints. He does not faint, but springs up from his sofa shouting in Czech and Evan is watching him with the smallest of smiles tugging at the corner of his mouth.
"...traveling so far within the galaxy!" Radek is muttering, "In a millisecond...oh my God. The power involved--"
"Well," Evan interrupts, drawling a little, "yeah. It's a lot of power. But they kind of...found a really good battery. We can get to, uh...other galaxies with it. I mean, we don't have one with a charge anymore but--"
"Other galaxies?"
"One. Pegasus."
Radek drops back down onto the sofa with a soft thump. "I can't--How?"
"Zero Point Module. I don't know how they work, exactly, but--"
"As in zero point energy?" Radek whispers hoarsely, hands in his own hair, tugging. It creates a bit of an Einstein effect, and with his eyes wide behind his glasses, he looks every bit the mad scientist.
"Yeah. That's about...right."
Radek let's out a hysterical, strangled laugh that he swallows, gasping and staring at Evan in wonder.
"You look like I just told you you won a million dollars and oh, by the way, Santa Claus is real." Evan says, smiling fondly.
"I--" Radek throws up his hands, which are itching to grab something to write with and figure it out. But he can't seem to stop staring at Evan, who really has sort of handed Radek the world just now. So he takes his hands and grabs for Evan, kisses him hard and goes straight for the buttons on his shirt.
Evan laughs into Radek's mouth, twists his head to the side and says, "Don't you want to--"
"Not now." Radek says sharply. "I can't think about it. Stop. We need to--"
"Yeah," Evan agrees, shrugging out of his shirt and standing up. He pulls Radek with him. "Yeah, we really do."
They don't make it to the bedroom, deciding instead to strip halfway out of their clothes before falling back onto the sofa, bare chests and legs still trapped in tangled pants. Radek presses down against Evan, aligning their cocks so that skin can move slickly against skin, hot and velvety. Shuddering, they cling to each other, Evan's arms tight around Radek while Radek breathes into the crook of Evan's neck.
Radek thanks the stars that Evan is here, under him and against him, that it's all going to be okay. He forgets all about space-time and wormholes when he comes, hot and sticky, all over himself and Evan. Evan follows soon after, his mouth wet against Radek's cheek, stammering nonsensically.
"Thank you," Radek says, and it comes from somewhere deep and gravelly, the part of himself that had been so terrified. He isn't sure what he's thanking Evan for; whether it's for telling Radek, breaking open the universe with a handful of words, or for not leaving him--it doesn't matter. Radek says, "I love you."
Later, once they are slightly less sticky but much more naked and settled in bed, Evan continues to talk. He explains that David Parrish was one of his team members, that Evan was injured in a crash involving something called a puddlejumper, and subsequently sent home. Before any of that is revealed though, Evan tells Radek about crossing the threshold into another galaxy.
"We didn’t know if we’d be able to get back right away, if things were…well, the way they ended up being, I guess."
Radek focuses on breathing, in and out, in and out. "How did you get back?"
"The Daedalus," Evan replies. "It’s a ship."
"A space ship," Radek clarifies, "One that can travel between galaxies?"
"Yeah. Hyperdrive."
"Oh, my God."
"Yeah. Sorry. Do you want some water? Or anything?"
Evan is only half teasing. Radek has calmed slightly, his initial shock dampened by post-sex fog, though he still can't quite believe it.
"No, please. Tell me the rest."
Evan tells Radek about the city under miles of ocean, of the jolting shake as it rose from the water and into sunlight. "It was bright. Really bright. And we were up. It was…amazing."
He describes the craft called a puddlejumper. "We took them out and they flew like a dream for gene carriers. So cool, Radek. You could probably tinker around with one for the rest of your life. They are so cool."
But there hadn’t been enough power to use the stargate to return to Earth, so the expedition began to search for power sources. On one mission through the gate, Evan’s craft was attacked.
"Fucking Genii," Evan spat, "I went down like an anvil. Inertial dampeners were done for and when I hit, I hit hard. The injuries were exactly like I said before-My arm, my leg. I ended up with a pretty bad infection. The Daedalus finally came a few weeks after that and they shipped me home."
Radek knows he should be more shocked than he actually is. The cognitive dissonance he should be feeling, however, isn’t quite happening. He is torn between the desire to hear the rest of the story, to understand who David Parrish was and what he meant to Evan and the burning need to grab paper and pen and start figuring out how any of this is remotely possible. His skin tingles.
"I never saw David again," Evan says. "He was a botanist. Funny little…scientist guy."
"You like those."
"I do."
"Did you love him?"
"I don’t know," Evan says, and for the first time in what feels like such a long time, his face is open again and Radek knows he means it. "But it was okay. I came back here, to Earth-"
Radek feels slightly faint again.
"-and he was still there, and that was okay. I moved on, obviously. I came here, I found you, I’m happy." Evan draws in a deep breath. "Never doubt that I’m happy, Radek."
Evan smiles at him and touches him and sighs. "But they lost the city several weeks ago. There was no one there who really knew how to fix it, you know? That’s what I got from Sheppard’s email, anyway. He said he was back and that it was over. That’s all he can really say."
"Classified, yes." Radek murmurs absently, his brain alternating between Wormhole Travel!, alight with the space, the numbers, the possibility of it all and Lost city of Atlantis, my God and Evan, Evan, Evan.
"But when I left things were real bad," Evan is saying. "We couldn’t get anything to work right. Simpson and Kavanagh got the city out of the water but once that was done and the ZPM’s-"
Zero Point Module, my GOD!
"-were more or less depleted. Shields were a disaster and the Wraith…But they were gonna give it their best shot. SGC, I mean. With the city."
Space vampires, můj bože.
"They failed, though."
"Yeah. Sheppard told me in the email, who was gone. David, Simpson, Elizabeth…a lot of others. It’s just been…hard. I thought someday I could find them all, see how everything turned out. See David, introduce you to him. God, introduce you to Elizabeth, you would love her. Sheppard couldn’t give me specifics so I don’t even know how the city was when they left it. I don’t know if it’s still there or if the Wraith flattened it, sunk her to the bottom of the sea."
"You found out just after Boston?"
"Yeah."
Radek gets a grip on himself and meets Evan’s troubled eyes. "Oh, miláčku."
Evan sighs and casts his eyes away. "I’m sorry, Radek. I’ve been a mess and I’m so sorry I put you through it, but I didn’t know if I could say anything. I should’ve known."
"Please, don’t apologize," Radek says, taking Evan’s face in his hands and leaning in to rest their foreheads together. Evan leans into the touch.
"I love you," Evan says, gripping Radek’s forearms. Radek murmurs softly in Czech, "Miluju tě."
8. naživu
In the spring, when the buildings of New York City finally stop creating whistling tunnels of wind that could knock a person over and the sun is trying its best to warm what bits of sidewalk it can reach as Spring tries to beat Winter into submission, Radek finds himself loitering against the wall of a downtown gallery on his new cell phone, with Rodney McKay gabbing away on the other end of the line.
"I hope your flyboy is good, whatever it is he’s doing." Rodney grumbles, "I'd come witness his genius, but I have to be in Colorado in three days and then I’m leaving the planet."
Radek rolls his eyes and says, "Quite alright, Rodney. I'll send Evan your love."
"Yes, well." Rodney clears his throat."If I’m killed by Goa’uld or something, I’d like you to know that uh, it's been...That is--"
In a few days, Rodney will take his first steps into Cheyenne Mountain. Radek smiles to himself, remembering the flash of blue, the slug of the event horizon shooting outward then sucking back in to settle, serenely, into a shimmering gateway.
It had been surprisingly simple to attract the SGC. Evan had suggested it over breakfast a handful of weeks after he told Radek the biggest secret the military was trying to keep.
"Write a paper," he had said without preamble.
"What?" Radek froze with his coffee halfway to his lips. He set the mug down and waited for Evan to explain.
"You want to go," Evan had said, waving his hand upward to the sky. "So write a paper that gets a little too close to what they don’t want anyone to know, and they’ll be on you like bees to honey. Do it."
"I don’t-"
"You’ve been jumpy as hell ever since you found out. You wanna go." Evan shrugged. "I don't blame you, Radek. I...I would go back if I could. I don't think I can ever...But I want you to do it, if that's what you want."
So Radek had done it and lo and behold, Samantha Carter had been in his living room exchanging pleasantries with Evan and jumping as pigeons made kamikaze flights at Radek’s curtains.
Radek will make another trip to Colorado in the summer and he will consult with Rodney concerning repairs to Atlantis.
"You’re thinking about it, aren’t you?"
Radek snaps back to the present. "What?"
Rodney sighs over the line. "Atlantis."
"Yes, yes. I was thinking about it."
"You know, it’s probably the bravest thing I’ve ever done, agreeing to go. Wraith! Hello! But with the ZedPM find we can shield and I guess that reduces some of the danger, right? Right, Radek? At least you’ll be there, every once in a while."
"Hmm," Radek agrees vaguely. He tries not to regret the fact that Rodney happened to be working on similar theories when Radek was being scooped up by the SGC. He also tries not to be annoyed that Rodney came up with all of it without any prior knowledge of the existence of the stargate whereas Radek had a bit of a nudge in the right direction.
Rodney had broken confidentiality within hours of the offer, calling Radek and crowing, "You’ll never believe where I’m going!"
"Listen," Radek says now, "I have to go, Evan starts soon."
"Right. Art spectacle. Well, I guess I'll see you when I see you."
"In a few months." Radek says with as much reassurance as he can muster. "You'll be fine, Rodney. Evan tells me that this Sheppard is quite impressive."
"Right, right. Trust me, I've heard all about the infamous Colonel Sheppard from Carter, who I think has a crush on the guy. I don't know what makes him that great, really. I'll find out when I meet him in, oh, God. Three days. Radek--"
"Rodney. I'll talk to you soon."
"Right."
Radek clicks the phone shut and heads into the gallery space.
It is cool in the gallery, a breeze coming in off the street when the door opens and the last stragglers file in. Radek settles in a folding chair and breathes deep, letting the conversation with Rodney fall away as he takes in the space.
The stage is empty, backdropped by a billowing white fabric. The lights dim until they go out, and the space is plunged into blackness. Then, a projector flicks on, casting the white sheet at the back of the stage in a watery blue light that ripples and undulates. Evan, in black, stands in front of the waves of blue.
Radek notices Laura off to a side, watching with her hands clasped and looking like Christmas has come early.
Evan is still, standing at attention at center stage, and then the sounds begin.
It is a whirring, a grinding, a sonic booming and then it’s wind, it’s a squeal, and the backdrop is changing to fiery red, to blurs of stars and then bright, bright white.
Evan doesn’t move. He is ramrod straight and at attention, his body screaming soldier from every angle.
Radek leans forward to watch closely. Evan has never been so still.
He stands in front of the stark whiteness until a burst of color explodes behind him, and then there are images spinning out and around.
"Milky Way," Radek murmurs. He is watching so closely that he sees it before anyone could have perceived it. Evan is relaxing, inch by inch. He is letting his shoulders drop, loosening his hands, letting his hips slouch just so. The images on the scrim are zooming in fast, through clusters of stars, past bits of rock and swinging around the Moon, and then burning up in Earth’s atmosphere-by the time it stops, in a cacophony of light and increasing sound, Evan is on the ground with his head in his hands.
The sounds abruptly cease and there is a long, protracted silence. When the silence is cut, it is by the softest tones of a piano.
Evan is unlacing his boots and throwing them aside along with socks. He is stripping out of his shirt, struggling to his feet to deal with his belt. Across his chest there are symbols painted in black greasepaint. He turns away, and the symbols continue on his back.
Radek recognizes the shapes of gate symbols immediately.
Evan is stepping out of his black BDU’s, left only in a pair of gray boxer briefs, stretching his arms out as the burning atmosphere behind him explodes into constellations, then back to whiteness and then there are numbers, symbols, scratches and scribbles in black, flowing over the screen. Evan, with arms outstretched, steps backwards one, two, three steps and the projections cast themselves over his bare skin, mingling with the symbols that lead to Pegasus.
Radek knows the chicken scratch that flows over Evan’s body. It is his own writing, probably taken directly from one of his notebooks. It’s wormhole theory and power schematics he started toying with not long after Evan poured out the story of Atlantis to him months before. Radek can barely breathe as the sound of crashing waves overpowers the performance space.
Evan’s face is shining with tear tracks as he lowers his arms, breathing heavily. Without warning, the theater is pitch black and silent.
When the lights return, Evan is gone.
9. vznik
That night, Radek removes the paint from Evan’s skin with cold cream and a soft cloth. He strips away the gray briefs and throws them to a far off corner. He traces constellations into Evan’s thighs, whispers numbers into his ear.
Radek slides slowly into Evan’s body and tells him, in Czech, that he will never leave him, that he is beautiful. He tells him, in English, that he loves him and gasps words he can’t seem to hang onto as he thrusts and Evan pushes to meet him. Evan’s back ripples, black streaks, traces of makeup running with sweat down to the dip just above his ass.
"You were like a supernova," Radek murmurs, once they are both wrung out and sated with legs draped over one another and hands sliding over sweat-slick skin. "It was... transcendent."
It had been. Radek wishes he had the words to explain that watching Evan had been like the world outside the gallery doors, changing and shifting, making room for things to come. Evan, with equations flickering over his face and glyphs painted on his skin, had been a gust of fresh air blowing away dead leaves and uncertainty, carrying with it the promise of sun and renewal.
"Laura rewrote it," Evan says sleepily, "Because of you."
And this, Radek wants to say, is the crux. It was about both of them. He has no idea what the piece would have looked like had Evan agreed to perform it months ago. He doesn't know what Laura had originally planned. He does know that after the performance, Laura had clasped both their hands and for once, didn't say anything. Radek thinks about Laura's smile, Evan's flushed skin decorated with dead language, and the plane tickets (to Pegasus, by way of Colorado) buried under the detritus of Radek's desk.
He presses his lips to Evan's forehead.
"I will never forget it," Radek whispers, "Dosmrti, dosmrti na to nezapomenu."
End.
Chapter titles: 6. confusion, 7. disclose, 8. alive, 9. beginning
Translation! Dosmrti, dosmrti na to nezapomenu = "I will remember it until my death" (Letters From Pegasus)