My reasons for keeping a LiveJournal have changed over the 6-some years of its existence. Initially it was what a journal was supposed to be: an outlet. Then it morphed into a way to keep in touch with friends, and with the advent of friend groups it became a way to selectively serve its original purpose. However, though the years it seems like my journal is less about me and more about being entertaining in an effort to avoid my own judgement. I honestly cringe when I go back and read older entries, which usually make me feel inferior, or just plain stupid.
There are so many reasons, but ultimately I think it boils down to a distaste for the vulnerability that public journal will inevitably bring when you let it mirror yourself in a flawed, real, painful, unflattering way. And, as always, I'm my harshest critic to the point of censoring myself when I really want to talk. Of course, that's what my life has been about lately. I even contemplated not hitting post comment (because, naturally, I'm editing at the moment, and have actually already written the below portion).
It's sad.
And that might be part of the reason I hardly ever post in my journal these days. My sporadic 2 to 4 updates a month are certainly a change from my almost daily updates of years past.
I'm really glad you decided to post, Liz. So, persona has something to do with LJ? You said that it's vulnerable when a public journal mirrors yourself. I can feel that.
My first livejournal, which will not be named, has so many entries that make me feel embarrassed, like I had no clue how many people might be reading. How long have you had an LJ? It sounds like you feel like the internet helps people connect? Do you feel like it separates us from people? How?
Let's see... my journal has been around since July or August of 2002, and this is my primary account. I'm one of those assholes who thinks of another name, wants to use it, registers it, and then can't leave the first journal behind. Sentimentality and all of that. Top favourite names for other journals I've created: SparklyPirate and LizOtheWisp. Someday, when I have $45.00 to spend on something completely frivolous, I will probably change my the official account name.
But moving on...
It sounds like you feel like the internet helps people connect? Do you feel like it separates us from people?
Honestly, I think it depends upon the person. The Internet is a magical place that is part reality, part fantasy. People get to be what they think they can't be in person on the Internet, because the distance it creates by definition protects our bodies and our physical perceptions of ourselves. That anonymity that it can create also helps to make a person feel safer when putting themselves out on a line. So, in an essence, there is potential for a truer version of person, thus I might argue a truer connection between people. However, I think that same force can easily cause a disconnect from people outside of Internet communities, as well a person diving too deeply into their Internet alter-ego and obscuring other truths in the process. Often painful truths.
To answer you question, I don't really think I can. The connections are different and vary from person to person. I think that's why there's no definitive proof that Internet relationships can't work out in the real world: because some obviously can. I know people who have met through Internet communities and have been in committed relationships with each other for near a decade. And I've heard horror stories.
I hate to quote Mama Gump, but the Internet, like life, "is like a bunch of chocolates: you never know what you gonna get." Of course, caramels are usually pretty easy to spot in the box, and occasionally the Internet is like the finger poked into the centre of the chocolate's bottom. At other times it's thinking you're going to get Roman Nougat only to pull up maple cream. Bleh.
For me it's difficult to open up, but you know me in real life and know that's the case there as well. I'm a harsh critic, and I suppose to avoid being hypocritical I turn that harsh criticism at myself with more ferocity than I do at others. So, in order to avoid being the girl who pines for the boy she love[s/d], I just make private journal entries or select a few people to show. Even then, I would intentionally cut out how I was feeling or just avoid it totally when making entries... after the time of moving on was supposed to have past. It is like holding a mirror up to yourself and being afraid to accept that you're different, really. A bit like noticing a mark on your cheek, a mole with odd borders, and wondering if its just a regular mole, or if there's something seriously wrong with you. A mirror of the mind can so easily highlight what might be craziness... and to publicly present that to people is a major vulnerability.
There are so many reasons, but ultimately I think it boils down to a distaste for the vulnerability that public journal will inevitably bring when you let it mirror yourself in a flawed, real, painful, unflattering way. And, as always, I'm my harshest critic to the point of censoring myself when I really want to talk. Of course, that's what my life has been about lately. I even contemplated not hitting post comment (because, naturally, I'm editing at the moment, and have actually already written the below portion).
It's sad.
And that might be part of the reason I hardly ever post in my journal these days. My sporadic 2 to 4 updates a month are certainly a change from my almost daily updates of years past.
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My first livejournal, which will not be named, has so many entries that make me feel embarrassed, like I had no clue how many people might be reading. How long have you had an LJ? It sounds like you feel like the internet helps people connect? Do you feel like it separates us from people? How?
Reply
But moving on...
It sounds like you feel like the internet helps people connect? Do you feel like it separates us from people?
Honestly, I think it depends upon the person. The Internet is a magical place that is part reality, part fantasy. People get to be what they think they can't be in person on the Internet, because the distance it creates by definition protects our bodies and our physical perceptions of ourselves. That anonymity that it can create also helps to make a person feel safer when putting themselves out on a line. So, in an essence, there is potential for a truer version of person, thus I might argue a truer connection between people. However, I think that same force can easily cause a disconnect from people outside of Internet communities, as well a person diving too deeply into their Internet alter-ego and obscuring other truths in the process. Often painful truths.
To answer you question, I don't really think I can. The connections are different and vary from person to person. I think that's why there's no definitive proof that Internet relationships can't work out in the real world: because some obviously can. I know people who have met through Internet communities and have been in committed relationships with each other for near a decade. And I've heard horror stories.
I hate to quote Mama Gump, but the Internet, like life, "is like a bunch of chocolates: you never know what you gonna get." Of course, caramels are usually pretty easy to spot in the box, and occasionally the Internet is like the finger poked into the centre of the chocolate's bottom. At other times it's thinking you're going to get Roman Nougat only to pull up maple cream. Bleh.
For me it's difficult to open up, but you know me in real life and know that's the case there as well. I'm a harsh critic, and I suppose to avoid being hypocritical I turn that harsh criticism at myself with more ferocity than I do at others. So, in order to avoid being the girl who pines for the boy she love[s/d], I just make private journal entries or select a few people to show. Even then, I would intentionally cut out how I was feeling or just avoid it totally when making entries... after the time of moving on was supposed to have past. It is like holding a mirror up to yourself and being afraid to accept that you're different, really. A bit like noticing a mark on your cheek, a mole with odd borders, and wondering if its just a regular mole, or if there's something seriously wrong with you. A mirror of the mind can so easily highlight what might be craziness... and to publicly present that to people is a major vulnerability.
What can I say? I'm a product of my society.
Reply
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