war, women and thoughts in general
Disclaimer: This will be long and rambling. It will also be slightly rambling. If you do not want to know my entire state of mind at this exact moment in time, i highly suggest you don't read this. and if you want to know all of the things that have been jumbling around my head lately, feel free to read at your leisure...but don't feel bad if you can't do it in one sitting or at all. anway, here goes.
I've been doing a lot of thinking latley. some of it deep, some of it not so much. some of it me, some society, some what i wanna do in life, a bit of everything. and i realized that i cause myself to be stressed. and that i will never reach my own standards, no matter how hard i try, i will continually let myself down. and thats something i have to fix, although i'm not quite sure how i'm supposed to go about that. but at least i have a (still yet another unttainable) goal.
i was also thinking today about women, and the changing role of women in society over the last hundred/two hundred years or so. i was thinking about how wouldn't have been cool to have been born a hundred and fifty years ago when there were still places to explore and things that were unknown and the unknown stuff wasn't at the molecular level or the way out in deep space level. no everything is either to big or 2 small for me to comprehend. i could totally have dealt with chemistry 300 years ago before they discovered the atom and electrons and stuff. i just don't get stuff i can't see. and then i realized that even if i had lived back when there were new places to discover and new civilizations to meet, before the tribes of africa and southern asia and south america were completely and utterly tarnished by european "civilization", even if i had lived then, i'd still be a girl. stuck in the role of dutiful daughter and then dutiful housewife. so then i was like, i wish i had been born in a house of scientists and learners and philosophers, who also happened to be a bit eccentric and have a lot of money and i could be a bit more independant then, ya know kinda like the girls in movies always seem to be.
and i realized i wanted to be the independant, risk-taking, adventurous and capable chicks the ones in movies always seem to be. like even marian in Indiana Jones, as idiotic as she was around indie, she could still hold her own. she was pretty cunning and hardcore. but whats the point of all that? Indiana Jones always preserved the artifact while destroying the pagan temple. but the european christian stuff was always perfect and whole and good. even when he found the arc, it killed the nazis, while he and marian were spared, but it was still beautiful, and the US had it, even if it was locked in a vault.
and i just realized i'm comparing life to indiana jones. all i have to say about that is, i began with a disclaimer so i don't wanna hear it. anyway, back to my rambling, since this is after all my rambling space.
everything is always about preserving christian stuff and converting the "primitives" to european ways. well they aren't really just european ways anymore anyway. because we've taken over so much of the globe, and destroyed so much in the name of "God". well who is this god, and does he speak for me? and why do we fight these wars in his name, killing people while preaching for forgivness? i once read a quote that said something about if you don't accept alvation by my god, the blood of your brothers will stain the land or something like that, i don't remember exactly. but its always seemed to me that whats the point? what are we REALLY fighting over? and i can't answer the question. i honestly can't. and that terrifies me, deep down into my soul. tonight i was baking cookies and listening to this news report on how in most wars, more soldiers are killed by "friendly fire" than by enemy. well somebody's still dead. doesn't seem to me that it much matters where the fire is coming from if you're the one getting burned. and i also doubted whether the statistic held true for every war ever. but that its even a thought is frightening. so we're going to go to war now, maybe, hopefully not, and what over? i mean really what over. oil we can get elsewhere. there's more oil in saudi arabia than iraq anyway. and wasn't iran the country that flew planes into the world trade center? and the taliban? and osama bin laden? isn't all that in iran? so why are we fighting iraq? there are worse dictators in other places. why arne't we trying as hard to oust them? you can't tell me iraq and north korea are the only two countries in the entire world with nuclear weapons. and if they have to disband ours, why don't we? especially considering we're planning on burying all of our nuclear weapons in a mountain in nevada. thats president clinton i believe it was whose administration authorized that one. although it may have gone as far back as the first bush, i'm not exactly clear on when it began.
which gets me to a whole other environmetal issues and tangent which i don't feel like going into. ok, ok you can stop cheering now. which leads me to what any of this has to do with me and my head.
for a long time, i wanted to teach in africa or india or the middle east, or maybe south america or somewhere that was a lot less well off than we are. it took me forever to figure out thats what i wanted, but it is. and its something i've wanted for a long time. no matter how hard i try, i can only picture myself in 3 places when i get older: in the desert somwhere on a dig, digging up bones or dead civilizations or people or something; teaching 30 kids ages 4-25 in a schoolhouse in the middle of nowheresville brokenland, and trying to make maybe some inkling of a difference, or on a house in new england on the shore watching the waves crash in hte middle of the storm. for some reason that one won't leave. i think my heart wants to retire to maine. but i have to get through the digging and the teaching first. and to do all that i somehow need to get myself through these insane trains of thought and stop getting so worked up i nearly cry about things like "why exactly are we going to war anyway?" and then i stop, and i realize, maybe thats the whole point. maybe my entire existance is really, just to ask questions. now if only i could figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do with that.
I've been doing a lot of thinking latley. some of it deep, some of it not so much. some of it me, some society, some what i wanna do in life, a bit of everything. and i realized that i cause myself to be stressed. and that i will never reach my own standards, no matter how hard i try, i will continually let myself down. and thats something i have to fix, although i'm not quite sure how i'm supposed to go about that. but at least i have a (still yet another unttainable) goal.
i was also thinking today about women, and the changing role of women in society over the last hundred/two hundred years or so. i was thinking about how wouldn't have been cool to have been born a hundred and fifty years ago when there were still places to explore and things that were unknown and the unknown stuff wasn't at the molecular level or the way out in deep space level. no everything is either to big or 2 small for me to comprehend. i could totally have dealt with chemistry 300 years ago before they discovered the atom and electrons and stuff. i just don't get stuff i can't see. and then i realized that even if i had lived back when there were new places to discover and new civilizations to meet, before the tribes of africa and southern asia and south america were completely and utterly tarnished by european "civilization", even if i had lived then, i'd still be a girl. stuck in the role of dutiful daughter and then dutiful housewife. so then i was like, i wish i had been born in a house of scientists and learners and philosophers, who also happened to be a bit eccentric and have a lot of money and i could be a bit more independant then, ya know kinda like the girls in movies always seem to be.
and i realized i wanted to be the independant, risk-taking, adventurous and capable chicks the ones in movies always seem to be. like even marian in Indiana Jones, as idiotic as she was around indie, she could still hold her own. she was pretty cunning and hardcore. but whats the point of all that? Indiana Jones always preserved the artifact while destroying the pagan temple. but the european christian stuff was always perfect and whole and good. even when he found the arc, it killed the nazis, while he and marian were spared, but it was still beautiful, and the US had it, even if it was locked in a vault.
and i just realized i'm comparing life to indiana jones. all i have to say about that is, i began with a disclaimer so i don't wanna hear it. anyway, back to my rambling, since this is after all my rambling space.
everything is always about preserving christian stuff and converting the "primitives" to european ways. well they aren't really just european ways anymore anyway. because we've taken over so much of the globe, and destroyed so much in the name of "God". well who is this god, and does he speak for me? and why do we fight these wars in his name, killing people while preaching for forgivness? i once read a quote that said something about if you don't accept alvation by my god, the blood of your brothers will stain the land or something like that, i don't remember exactly. but its always seemed to me that whats the point? what are we REALLY fighting over? and i can't answer the question. i honestly can't. and that terrifies me, deep down into my soul. tonight i was baking cookies and listening to this news report on how in most wars, more soldiers are killed by "friendly fire" than by enemy. well somebody's still dead. doesn't seem to me that it much matters where the fire is coming from if you're the one getting burned. and i also doubted whether the statistic held true for every war ever. but that its even a thought is frightening. so we're going to go to war now, maybe, hopefully not, and what over? i mean really what over. oil we can get elsewhere. there's more oil in saudi arabia than iraq anyway. and wasn't iran the country that flew planes into the world trade center? and the taliban? and osama bin laden? isn't all that in iran? so why are we fighting iraq? there are worse dictators in other places. why arne't we trying as hard to oust them? you can't tell me iraq and north korea are the only two countries in the entire world with nuclear weapons. and if they have to disband ours, why don't we? especially considering we're planning on burying all of our nuclear weapons in a mountain in nevada. thats president clinton i believe it was whose administration authorized that one. although it may have gone as far back as the first bush, i'm not exactly clear on when it began.
which gets me to a whole other environmetal issues and tangent which i don't feel like going into. ok, ok you can stop cheering now. which leads me to what any of this has to do with me and my head.
for a long time, i wanted to teach in africa or india or the middle east, or maybe south america or somewhere that was a lot less well off than we are. it took me forever to figure out thats what i wanted, but it is. and its something i've wanted for a long time. no matter how hard i try, i can only picture myself in 3 places when i get older: in the desert somwhere on a dig, digging up bones or dead civilizations or people or something; teaching 30 kids ages 4-25 in a schoolhouse in the middle of nowheresville brokenland, and trying to make maybe some inkling of a difference, or on a house in new england on the shore watching the waves crash in hte middle of the storm. for some reason that one won't leave. i think my heart wants to retire to maine. but i have to get through the digging and the teaching first. and to do all that i somehow need to get myself through these insane trains of thought and stop getting so worked up i nearly cry about things like "why exactly are we going to war anyway?" and then i stop, and i realize, maybe thats the whole point. maybe my entire existance is really, just to ask questions. now if only i could figure out what the hell i'm supposed to do with that.