I crave apathy...
It will all even itself out is what I think....I finally have come to some sort of realization and it feels pretty good and I can be satisfied with it. It isn't too complex like I thought it would be but it is what it is and I have to accept that. I dwelled on it and it really didn't do me any good so I dwelled on it some more and it made me feel worse and I finally just needed to take a deep breath and exhale all the built up frustrations inside me. I am better than that is what I thought and I know I am and I deserve better and I only deserve the best. Why settle settle for less when you are supposed to be egaged in this romantic knot that is supposed to last forever and has finally come undone due to lies I can't control? All I know is that I have been in this rut for too long and I have been feeding off this hope that it could be better again and that maybe this or maybe that might happen. It isn't going to happen and it doesn't look like it will ever come around again like you expect it to. So now it is time to let go and hope you can better yourself from this and like they say if you let it go and it comes back it (might) be meant to be but I am not going to hold my breath long enough to pass out and imagine a prefect realationship that wasn't so perfect to begin with. If this was such a perfect realationship why would it have to be so hard to deal with? The answer is it wouldn't and you shouldn't have to deal with this sort of situation. I kept thinkig to myself....it's not fair, they are not being fair and I was right but life isn't fair I realized and I took advice from so many people but it still got me no where in terms of trying to make this mess work. It was all up to her and she did nothing to really fix it and seemed liek she turned her back completely on me. That really hurt, because after 2 years of being together you would think someone who said they "loved" you and "would do anything" for you would fight for you in this situation. She did at first she says but then before you kow it she just completely abandons me for the mere fact that she thinks that if she makes the decsion to stay she will get punished by her family forever. I think she is weak and can't stand up for own opinions and thoughts and she is going to have her family make her decisions for teh rest of her life. Now tell me why would I wantto be with soeone like that? Tht is not the kind of person you would want to be with because her family will always get in the way of everything and she will let it happen. I thought I really knew her and I thought she was different but I guess I made a poor judgement, she seemed like the one for me but alas it was nothing but a painful life experience yet again. So now I take the advice from my freinds who do really care about me and who do really want to see me happy again. It is hard to try to see it all when you are all tangled up inside of it and yes I still hurt but I know it is going to be ok. I have learned a lot from this ordeal and I am going to really take it to heart this time. It wasn't like last time, this time it was different and I can see how life really is. Once you are gone you are gone and she will realize it at some point and wonder and ponder it all. The what if's and the I should haves...and it could have been different's....yes they will be there but I will not....not anymore......