Dated Transmission November-08
November -08
I'll be headed out tonight if I've recovered from my brutal injuries sustained at the Oakland Mall this week. I was headed to FYE to try to find a copy of "March of the Wooden Soldiers". I usually don't really pay any attention to the little kiosks in the hallways. I think once I bought a phone at one, but otherwise, it's like they're the d00des who can't hack the full retail scene so they try to pick up the sloughage on their way out.
I do admire persistence, but only to a degree. There's only so many ways you can politely say "I'd rather tea-bag a tank of piranhas than buy your damned lotion." But this dude wouldn't let up. First he says "You take care of yourself don't you?"
"No, I like to slather hot grease on my face and stick my feet in waffle irons."
"Lemme see your nails, man."
"Go get your own." As I keep walking away.
He keeps following me and says "I'm gonna help you look better."
"Are you saying I don't already look stunning?"
Obviously, his sales tactics are failing so he gets pissed and says "What the fuck man?"
I start running away and yell "I'm a d00d, I don't care about my damned nails!" So he takes his little nail smashy and bounces it off the side of my skull.
I stumbled into a calendar kiosk and collapsed to the ground, but before he could close in for the coup de grace, Santa comes flying off of the Christmas display in the center of the mall and yells, "PEACE ON EARTH YOU VANITY-PUSHING ASS-SACK!!!!!"
Then Santa launched off of the counter at the body jewelry stand and dropped the macho elbow onto fingernail-boy's baby-fro nugget. Then the all of the employees from the food court burst onto the scene and started giving Santa the business. They slapped him around for a bit and then dunked his head into the fountain screaming "GIMEE SOME CANDY OLD MAN!!!!' Then santa's little elves saw the big boss in trouble so they armed themselves with big plastic candy canes and broadsided the kiosk boys. It was a vicious swirling melee with blood and lotion spraying all over the hallway. The security guards were powerless to stop the titanic struggle. Warriors bellowed in agony as they were torn to shreds, and scores of combatants were trampled as they collapsed in the press of bodies and weapons. Consequently "Wrath of the Lich King had just been released and there was a gaggle of Warcraft nerds walking out of gamestop. At the sight of the melee, they charged forward chanting in unison, "DEATH TO THE BLOOD ELVES!!!!" There was no order to the battle any more, limbs were mercilessly hacked off, and mortally wounded fighters crawled in desperation from the brawl. The elves had mounted up on the kiddie train and it became a juggernaut of destruction as it pulverized and crushed men under it's wheels. I barely made my escape, slipping on the blood soaked floor, and scrambling toward the nearest exit. As I exited the mall the din of the perilous combat still rang in my ears as the stench of blood and death started to fade.
It was a morbid tale of chaos and bloodlusted, wanton destruction, where no one could be the victor.
None of that really happened, except for that dude trying to sodomize my patties.
I never got the movie
didn't get pie either.
Gaudeamus Hodie
-end transmission
I'll be headed out tonight if I've recovered from my brutal injuries sustained at the Oakland Mall this week. I was headed to FYE to try to find a copy of "March of the Wooden Soldiers". I usually don't really pay any attention to the little kiosks in the hallways. I think once I bought a phone at one, but otherwise, it's like they're the d00des who can't hack the full retail scene so they try to pick up the sloughage on their way out.
I do admire persistence, but only to a degree. There's only so many ways you can politely say "I'd rather tea-bag a tank of piranhas than buy your damned lotion." But this dude wouldn't let up. First he says "You take care of yourself don't you?"
"No, I like to slather hot grease on my face and stick my feet in waffle irons."
"Lemme see your nails, man."
"Go get your own." As I keep walking away.
He keeps following me and says "I'm gonna help you look better."
"Are you saying I don't already look stunning?"
Obviously, his sales tactics are failing so he gets pissed and says "What the fuck man?"
I start running away and yell "I'm a d00d, I don't care about my damned nails!" So he takes his little nail smashy and bounces it off the side of my skull.
I stumbled into a calendar kiosk and collapsed to the ground, but before he could close in for the coup de grace, Santa comes flying off of the Christmas display in the center of the mall and yells, "PEACE ON EARTH YOU VANITY-PUSHING ASS-SACK!!!!!"
Then Santa launched off of the counter at the body jewelry stand and dropped the macho elbow onto fingernail-boy's baby-fro nugget. Then the all of the employees from the food court burst onto the scene and started giving Santa the business. They slapped him around for a bit and then dunked his head into the fountain screaming "GIMEE SOME CANDY OLD MAN!!!!' Then santa's little elves saw the big boss in trouble so they armed themselves with big plastic candy canes and broadsided the kiosk boys. It was a vicious swirling melee with blood and lotion spraying all over the hallway. The security guards were powerless to stop the titanic struggle. Warriors bellowed in agony as they were torn to shreds, and scores of combatants were trampled as they collapsed in the press of bodies and weapons. Consequently "Wrath of the Lich King had just been released and there was a gaggle of Warcraft nerds walking out of gamestop. At the sight of the melee, they charged forward chanting in unison, "DEATH TO THE BLOOD ELVES!!!!" There was no order to the battle any more, limbs were mercilessly hacked off, and mortally wounded fighters crawled in desperation from the brawl. The elves had mounted up on the kiddie train and it became a juggernaut of destruction as it pulverized and crushed men under it's wheels. I barely made my escape, slipping on the blood soaked floor, and scrambling toward the nearest exit. As I exited the mall the din of the perilous combat still rang in my ears as the stench of blood and death started to fade.
It was a morbid tale of chaos and bloodlusted, wanton destruction, where no one could be the victor.
None of that really happened, except for that dude trying to sodomize my patties.
I never got the movie
didn't get pie either.
Gaudeamus Hodie
-end transmission