Ready to Fall - CC - Oneshot
Title::..Ready to Fall
Reality::..Lost - season 5, pure speculation
Spoilers::..There’s No Place like Home
Rating::..PG for suicide themes
Genre::..Angst
Characters::..Claire, Sawyer & Juliet
Pairing::..CC
Author’s Note::..I wanted to write a ConMama fic & I was all set to except it turned into an angsty CC fic. But it is still kind of ConMama, if you squint & tilt your head to the side. It’s angsty!Claire & angsty!Sawyer but platonically. Hopefully this idea of ConMama won’t hang around for too long & I can get back to write non-platonic love for those two. I tried to keep to Sawyer’s character as best I could so I haven’t written him as a master of comforting people because I don’t really think he would ever be like that.
I couldn’t really come up with a title so I just kind of went with the first thing that came to mind because I didn’t really want to use lyrics again. I kind of put a negative spin on Amy Pearson’s Ready to Fly; I think it works pretty well.
Also, I know that the pic in the art is Daire but let’s just pretend it’s ConMama for the sake of the fic, shall we?
Summary::..Claire is sick of everything. She’s sick of being without Charlie & she’s sick of everyone’s lies.
Claire had been avoiding talking to pretty much everyone ever since Sawyer & Juliet had brought her back to camp. She had kind of been avoiding conversation after Charlie’s death but now she really didn’t want to talk to anyone.
After Charlie’s death it seemed as if everyone had been avoiding conversation with her as well. But now everyone wanted to know how she was, everyone wanted to comfort her & tell her that Aaron was safe.
In Claire’s opinion everything that came out of their mouths was complete bullshit. None of them knew what they were talking about.
When they told her that she would be fine & that everything would work out they didn’t know what they were talking about. They didn’t know what she felt inside. They didn’t know that she simply wanted to throw herself into the ocean & let the waves devourer her.
When they told her that Aaron was safe they didn’t know what they were talking about. They didn’t know what Malkin had told her. They didn’t know about how strongly he fought against her giving the baby up. They didn’t know the great danger that surrounded her baby.
They thought that Kate could keep Aaron safe? Kate? Kate?
What the hell did Kate know about taking care of a baby? Let alone a baby that was being followed by great danger.
No one knew anything. They didn’t know whether Aaron was safe. They didn’t know that Charlie would want her to be happy. They didn’t know shit.
Claire didn’t want to hear their lies so she began blocking their voices out.
They took their time but after a while everyone began to get the hint. Everyone slowly just stopped coming to see her & stopped trying to cheer her up.
It was pleasant & peaceful. It was nice to just sit by herself & not have everyone feed her a bunch of lies all day, every day.
After a couple of days she ventured out of her tent & began sitting out on a high sand dune by herself. No one came over & sat with her. So after a few days past she figured that she could do anything she wanted now without everyone constantly asking her if she was alright.
She decided almost at once that she didn’t want to try to rebuild her old life on the island at all. Charlie wasn’t here, Aaron wasn’t here & neither was anything that she had gotten used to in the first couple of months.
What was the point of trying to rebuild something that was so far beyond fixing it wasn’t even funny?
The hope that she had clinged so tightly to in the first month here was gone. She didn’t really see what else she had left to hope for. She didn’t see what she had to live for.
One day she took herself out to the shore. She stood there with the waves coming up around her knees soaking her cream pants staring out at the long blue ocean.
Everything had suddenly become so clear.
It was the way that characters in movies described what dying was like. She had thought that it was all just some line but it was exactly the feeling that she had.
Charlie had died because of her. She had pushed him away so many times that he was always feeling as if he had to prove himself to her. So he’d gone on that dumb suicide mission to get her rescued.
Aaron was gone because of her. She had never wanted him in the first place. She had said it at least a million times. So maybe fate had started listening to her & taken her one ray of hope away from him.
Not even bothering to draw in a deep breath she simply began walking out further & further into the ocean. She just kept walking & walking, even though it became quite difficult to walk when the water was well above her head.
She couldn’t tell anyone how it happened, not even if someone asked.
She remembered the cold surrounding her & feeling all of her air fill out. Her eyes had begun to close & her body had begun to give up on her.
But she couldn’t remember hitting the sand bank. She couldn’t remember lying there for at least five minutes. She couldn’t remember Sawyer’s hands grabbing at her before he dragged her to the surface.
She remembered feeling as if she were falling asleep underneath the water. But then she woke up on the beach as Sawyer gave her mouth-to-mouth & Juliet pounded on her chest.
At once she felt sick. She put her hand on Sawyer’s forehead & instantly forced his face away from hers. Juliet instantly stopped pounding on Claire’s chest as she rolled over & threw up water into the sand.
Embarrassingly enough for her there was a huge crowd gathered around them. It didn’t surprise her but it sure as hell embarrassed her. They were all standing around watching as she was throwing up into the sand after failing at killing herself.
“That’s right Claire just get all the water out of your system.” Juliet said as she rubbed Claire’s back supportively.
“Is she gonna be okay?” Sawyer asked her.
“Well she was under there for at least five minutes so she’s swallowed a lot of water.” Juliet explained. “So we’ll need to get her warm & watch her carefully because even though she’s not in the water anymore she could still drown from all of the water in her lungs.”
Claire fell onto her back groaning heavily. Her head hurt, her throat was raw & her nostrils stung.
“Make some room!” Sawyer shouted at the crowd. He slowly & carefully picked her up off of the ground.
“Take her to Jack’s infirmary.” Juliet instructed. “I’ll get blankets.”
Claire couldn’t help but notice as Sawyer carried her to Jack’s old tent how strong his arms actually were. He held her tightly against his wet chest & she couldn’t help but get comfortable against his well toned shoulder.
He set her down on the old makeshift mattress & began looking around for blankets. But by then she was too lost in her own thoughts to care what he was doing.
Why hadn’t she simply died? Why hadn’t death taken her? It had easily taken Charlie.
Maybe she wasn’t apart of its plan. She’d seen Final Destination 1, 2 & 3 - she knew about the whole scheme that death had in order. Maybe there was something left for her to live for.
She considered the thought as Juliet came rushing into the tent with blankets & towels.
“Did you find anything in here?” Juliet asked.
“Nuthin’ but old rags.” Sawyer sighed.
Juliet passed him the stack of blankets & he instantly put the first one over Claire’s shivering shoulders. “I’ll go get some of her dry clothes from her tent; you try to get her dry.”
Sawyer began rubbing the blanket up & down Claire’s arms as she began to speak not really sure why she was talking.
“In high school there was this one girl. The kind of girl that got heaps of good grades & the kind of girl that was friends with pretty much everyone.” She explained. “You know the type?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I went to school with one of those.”
“She would walk home the same way as me & she would always talk to me, like we were friends with something even though we barely spent any time together. & some days she would be like ‘I’d kill myself if I didn’t have my friends & I don’t mind saying that because that’s how life is for me Claire, I’d kill myself so quick’.” She continued.
“You weren’t even friends with this girl?” He asked drying her back now.
“We walked home together & that was it.” She replied pulling a blanket up over her legs. “She never invited me to any of her birthday parties, I never saw her outside of school & she would never sit with me in any of the classes we had together.”
“Jeez, she doesn’t hide much.” He commented.
She shook her head slowly. “She scared me so much. I mean, I had it bad when I was in high school but I never ever thought of suicide. & she was just so up front & honest about it & I had absolutely no idea what to do because it felt like she was some kind of ticking time bomb & if I said the wrong thing she would pull this knife out of her pocket & stab it into her throat.”
He laughed lightly. “She must’ve been bad.”
She shrugged a shoulder. “Eh, she was alright despite all the scars she had on her wrists & the way she just talked about suicide all of the time.”
He paused stilling the towel on her shoulders. “Is there a point or did you just feel like sharing that wonderful little story?”
“It’s just that I was so scared of her & one day in like year 12 she said that it was okay & that I could talk around her. She said pretty much all of the things I had been thinking.” She explained. “She said that she wasn’t a ticking time bomb & she wouldn’t kill herself if I said something wrong.
“I had no idea how she knew what I thought because I’d never told her or anyone, you know. & she said that she could tell by the way that I looked at her, I didn’t even have to say anything. She did this whole impression of me & God, it was spot on.”
“Yeah.” He said to tell her that he was understanding her story & encouraging her to go on.
She glanced back over her shoulder at him looking straight into his eyes. “Yeah, so now everyone is going to look at me the way that I looked at that girl. Everyone’s going to see me & know that I tried to kill myself out there today & they’re gonna look at me like I’m a ticking time bomb.” She sighed, shaking her head as she looked away from him. “Just when they’d stopped looking at me like that.”
“Who looks at you like that?” He asked.
She was turning around to reply but before any words could come out Juliet had re-entered the tent.
“Hey Claire, how are you feeling?” Juliet asked with a polite smile.
Claire didn’t know whether Sawyer saw it or not but she could see it. Juliet was frightened of her. She could tell that right now Juliet was wondering whether she would try something like that again.
Right now while Claire replied that she was hungry Juliet was working up a schedule of times when people could watch Claire to make sure she wouldn’t try something like that again.
“So I got some of your clothes for you.” Juliet told Claire handing her grey hoodie, jeans & a Bondi Beach T-shirt to her.
Claire unfolded the Bondi Beach shirt & looked at it. She had never worn this shirt, she’d found it in the wreckage but it had been too big for her & Charlie had refused to wear something so ‘tourist-y’. She had ended up using it as a nappy for Aaron a couple of times.
“This isn’t mine.” She said dryly.
“Well I just assumed that it was because it was sitting with your stuff.” Juliet shrugged.
“It’s Aaron’s.” Claire stated.
“Oh.” Juliet replied awkwardly. “I could go get something else if you want.”
Claire got up shakily with Sawyer helping her. “It’s alright, I can do it myself.”
“Are you sure?” Juliet asked. “Claire you probably swallowed a lot of water you should be sitting & resting.”
“I don’t need to sit & rest, I’m fine.” She replied & she could hear the anger that was bubbling in her stomach building in her voice.
“You should listen to her sweetheart she knows what she’s-…”
Claire was outside of the tent when she quickly spun around & found herself yelling at Sawyer. “No she’s doesn’t know what she’s talking about! None of you do! None of you know what it’s like to be me. Now that may sound like something a PMS-y high school emo-girl would say but I don’t care!”
People had begun to gather around just as she had suspected that they would. She didn’t really care, she wanted them all to hear this - then they would really leave her alone.
“None of you know what it’s like to finally let someone in & then have them taken away from you.” She spat at all of them. “& I bet that none of you know what it’s like to lose a child.” She calmed herself down so they could see that this wasn’t just some blind rage, she was serious. “None of you.
“So don’t come & try to console me.” She concluded. “Because I won’t listen to a bunch of people who have no idea what they’re talking about.”
While everyone stood there dumbfounded she turned & tromped off to her tent. She was still damp with water dripping from her ponytail, she still had a towel around her shoulders & she had her clothes (as well as Aaron’s shirt) tucked under her arm.
She could hear them all muttering & discussing these new revelations amongst themselves but she didn’t turn back.
She knew that this would just be like every other issue on the island. Because it wasn’t anything about Jack or Kate no one would care after about a week.
xXx
Claire sat beside a small fire that she had built for herself outside her tent that night. She doubted that anyone would come over & talk to her. She could see them all (which she wasn’t sure they knew or not) looking at her, looking away, whispering in their groups & then looking at her again.
They were all frightened of her. She could tell.
It was exactly the way that they had all looked at Locke after he had broken up Jin & Michael’s fight with his ‘we’re not the only ones on this island & we all know it’ speech.
To Claire it seemed that whenever someone on this damn island came out with what they were thinking, what they were truly thinking inside everyone was scared of them.
Everyone seemed to be scared of the truth. It wasn’t okay to say what you thought, you just had to keep your head down & agree with whatever Jack told you.
Claire couldn’t really be bothered anymore. Even though she had enjoyed Jack’s company she certainly didn’t like the way that he bossed her around.
Besides, he was gone now & she was not going to let Sawyer tell her what to do - taking orders from a hypocrite wasn’t something that she planned on doing.
As she was stabbing at her fire with a long stick, just moving the wood around for a bit of entertainment she glanced up to find that Sawyer was approaching her. She quickly looked back down hoping that he would see that she didn’t want to talk & just walk on by.
She didn’t want to talk to anyone. But she supposed that out of everyone Sawyer was the least of the bunch. He wasn’t the best guy to be their new Jack but he was still an alright guy.
He didn’t just walk on by like she had thought he would. He sat down right beside her making her nervous.
“I brought you some food, apart of the doctor’s orders.” He told her as he sat a nice little plate of fruit & boar down beside her.
“If it was the doctor’s idea then why isn’t the doctor over here?” She asked.
“Because she’s scared of you.” He stated not beating around the bush at all. “Just as you predicted that they would all be. They think you’re gonna do it again & they’re scared to come talk to you, they think you’re gonna yell again.”
She glanced up at him for the first time. “So why are you over here?”
“You think I’m scared of you?” He asked in a casual tone, lighting the feeling of the conversation. “If you started yelling at me I could easily shut you up.”
“You know that violence against women is illegal, right?” She said.
“I didn’t mean with violence, I meant with some other tricks of mine.” He told her raising an eyebrow suggestively at her.
She paused half-gawking, half-laughing. “Note to self: never yell around you.”
He chuckled before they fell into a silence. She reached out & pulled the plate closer to her. She propped some boar into her mouth & chewed in the silence.
It occurred to her what a nice night it actually was. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky so she could see all of the stars & the full moon. The ocean was calm & there was only a very light breeze blowing.
She hadn’t really been paying a whole lot of attention to the weather lately. But now when she looked around she realized how pleasant it was.
“I don’t think that you’re a basket-case.” He said suddenly.
She turned back to him slowly raising her eyebrows. “I’m sorry?”
“When you tried to drown yourself out there, I know what that feels like.” He told her.
“Really?” She asked a little worried that he was just lying & this was all some plan of Juliet’s to make her want to come back into the group again.
“Yeah.” He replied looking away from her - apparently embarrassed. “When I was a kid my dad killed my mom…”
“Oh my God.” She gaped. She wanted to reach out & console him but he continued.
“That’s not the worst part.” He stated. “I was hiding under my bed & he came in, sat down & blew his own brains out.”
She sat with her mouth agape; she had no idea what to say. Was there anything that she could say? She wasn’t actually sure if he wanted her to say anything. “Sawyer…I had no idea.”
“It’s not sumthin’ I talk about a lot.” He said.
“Yeah.”
“I just wanted to tell you that you’re not the only one who’s ever thought about killing themselves.” He told her softly.
She looked at him for a few moments & found herself smiling. “Thank you.”
“It’s nuthin’.” He dismissed getting up.
She watched him leave unable to wipe the smile off of her face. She had to admit that she did feel a little better.
Reality::..Lost - season 5, pure speculation
Spoilers::..There’s No Place like Home
Rating::..PG for suicide themes
Genre::..Angst
Characters::..Claire, Sawyer & Juliet
Pairing::..CC
Author’s Note::..I wanted to write a ConMama fic & I was all set to except it turned into an angsty CC fic. But it is still kind of ConMama, if you squint & tilt your head to the side. It’s angsty!Claire & angsty!Sawyer but platonically. Hopefully this idea of ConMama won’t hang around for too long & I can get back to write non-platonic love for those two. I tried to keep to Sawyer’s character as best I could so I haven’t written him as a master of comforting people because I don’t really think he would ever be like that.
I couldn’t really come up with a title so I just kind of went with the first thing that came to mind because I didn’t really want to use lyrics again. I kind of put a negative spin on Amy Pearson’s Ready to Fly; I think it works pretty well.
Also, I know that the pic in the art is Daire but let’s just pretend it’s ConMama for the sake of the fic, shall we?
Summary::..Claire is sick of everything. She’s sick of being without Charlie & she’s sick of everyone’s lies.
Claire had been avoiding talking to pretty much everyone ever since Sawyer & Juliet had brought her back to camp. She had kind of been avoiding conversation after Charlie’s death but now she really didn’t want to talk to anyone.
After Charlie’s death it seemed as if everyone had been avoiding conversation with her as well. But now everyone wanted to know how she was, everyone wanted to comfort her & tell her that Aaron was safe.
In Claire’s opinion everything that came out of their mouths was complete bullshit. None of them knew what they were talking about.
When they told her that she would be fine & that everything would work out they didn’t know what they were talking about. They didn’t know what she felt inside. They didn’t know that she simply wanted to throw herself into the ocean & let the waves devourer her.
When they told her that Aaron was safe they didn’t know what they were talking about. They didn’t know what Malkin had told her. They didn’t know about how strongly he fought against her giving the baby up. They didn’t know the great danger that surrounded her baby.
They thought that Kate could keep Aaron safe? Kate? Kate?
What the hell did Kate know about taking care of a baby? Let alone a baby that was being followed by great danger.
No one knew anything. They didn’t know whether Aaron was safe. They didn’t know that Charlie would want her to be happy. They didn’t know shit.
Claire didn’t want to hear their lies so she began blocking their voices out.
They took their time but after a while everyone began to get the hint. Everyone slowly just stopped coming to see her & stopped trying to cheer her up.
It was pleasant & peaceful. It was nice to just sit by herself & not have everyone feed her a bunch of lies all day, every day.
After a couple of days she ventured out of her tent & began sitting out on a high sand dune by herself. No one came over & sat with her. So after a few days past she figured that she could do anything she wanted now without everyone constantly asking her if she was alright.
She decided almost at once that she didn’t want to try to rebuild her old life on the island at all. Charlie wasn’t here, Aaron wasn’t here & neither was anything that she had gotten used to in the first couple of months.
What was the point of trying to rebuild something that was so far beyond fixing it wasn’t even funny?
The hope that she had clinged so tightly to in the first month here was gone. She didn’t really see what else she had left to hope for. She didn’t see what she had to live for.
One day she took herself out to the shore. She stood there with the waves coming up around her knees soaking her cream pants staring out at the long blue ocean.
Everything had suddenly become so clear.
It was the way that characters in movies described what dying was like. She had thought that it was all just some line but it was exactly the feeling that she had.
Charlie had died because of her. She had pushed him away so many times that he was always feeling as if he had to prove himself to her. So he’d gone on that dumb suicide mission to get her rescued.
Aaron was gone because of her. She had never wanted him in the first place. She had said it at least a million times. So maybe fate had started listening to her & taken her one ray of hope away from him.
Not even bothering to draw in a deep breath she simply began walking out further & further into the ocean. She just kept walking & walking, even though it became quite difficult to walk when the water was well above her head.
She couldn’t tell anyone how it happened, not even if someone asked.
She remembered the cold surrounding her & feeling all of her air fill out. Her eyes had begun to close & her body had begun to give up on her.
But she couldn’t remember hitting the sand bank. She couldn’t remember lying there for at least five minutes. She couldn’t remember Sawyer’s hands grabbing at her before he dragged her to the surface.
She remembered feeling as if she were falling asleep underneath the water. But then she woke up on the beach as Sawyer gave her mouth-to-mouth & Juliet pounded on her chest.
At once she felt sick. She put her hand on Sawyer’s forehead & instantly forced his face away from hers. Juliet instantly stopped pounding on Claire’s chest as she rolled over & threw up water into the sand.
Embarrassingly enough for her there was a huge crowd gathered around them. It didn’t surprise her but it sure as hell embarrassed her. They were all standing around watching as she was throwing up into the sand after failing at killing herself.
“That’s right Claire just get all the water out of your system.” Juliet said as she rubbed Claire’s back supportively.
“Is she gonna be okay?” Sawyer asked her.
“Well she was under there for at least five minutes so she’s swallowed a lot of water.” Juliet explained. “So we’ll need to get her warm & watch her carefully because even though she’s not in the water anymore she could still drown from all of the water in her lungs.”
Claire fell onto her back groaning heavily. Her head hurt, her throat was raw & her nostrils stung.
“Make some room!” Sawyer shouted at the crowd. He slowly & carefully picked her up off of the ground.
“Take her to Jack’s infirmary.” Juliet instructed. “I’ll get blankets.”
Claire couldn’t help but notice as Sawyer carried her to Jack’s old tent how strong his arms actually were. He held her tightly against his wet chest & she couldn’t help but get comfortable against his well toned shoulder.
He set her down on the old makeshift mattress & began looking around for blankets. But by then she was too lost in her own thoughts to care what he was doing.
Why hadn’t she simply died? Why hadn’t death taken her? It had easily taken Charlie.
Maybe she wasn’t apart of its plan. She’d seen Final Destination 1, 2 & 3 - she knew about the whole scheme that death had in order. Maybe there was something left for her to live for.
She considered the thought as Juliet came rushing into the tent with blankets & towels.
“Did you find anything in here?” Juliet asked.
“Nuthin’ but old rags.” Sawyer sighed.
Juliet passed him the stack of blankets & he instantly put the first one over Claire’s shivering shoulders. “I’ll go get some of her dry clothes from her tent; you try to get her dry.”
Sawyer began rubbing the blanket up & down Claire’s arms as she began to speak not really sure why she was talking.
“In high school there was this one girl. The kind of girl that got heaps of good grades & the kind of girl that was friends with pretty much everyone.” She explained. “You know the type?”
He nodded. “Yeah, I went to school with one of those.”
“She would walk home the same way as me & she would always talk to me, like we were friends with something even though we barely spent any time together. & some days she would be like ‘I’d kill myself if I didn’t have my friends & I don’t mind saying that because that’s how life is for me Claire, I’d kill myself so quick’.” She continued.
“You weren’t even friends with this girl?” He asked drying her back now.
“We walked home together & that was it.” She replied pulling a blanket up over her legs. “She never invited me to any of her birthday parties, I never saw her outside of school & she would never sit with me in any of the classes we had together.”
“Jeez, she doesn’t hide much.” He commented.
She shook her head slowly. “She scared me so much. I mean, I had it bad when I was in high school but I never ever thought of suicide. & she was just so up front & honest about it & I had absolutely no idea what to do because it felt like she was some kind of ticking time bomb & if I said the wrong thing she would pull this knife out of her pocket & stab it into her throat.”
He laughed lightly. “She must’ve been bad.”
She shrugged a shoulder. “Eh, she was alright despite all the scars she had on her wrists & the way she just talked about suicide all of the time.”
He paused stilling the towel on her shoulders. “Is there a point or did you just feel like sharing that wonderful little story?”
“It’s just that I was so scared of her & one day in like year 12 she said that it was okay & that I could talk around her. She said pretty much all of the things I had been thinking.” She explained. “She said that she wasn’t a ticking time bomb & she wouldn’t kill herself if I said something wrong.
“I had no idea how she knew what I thought because I’d never told her or anyone, you know. & she said that she could tell by the way that I looked at her, I didn’t even have to say anything. She did this whole impression of me & God, it was spot on.”
“Yeah.” He said to tell her that he was understanding her story & encouraging her to go on.
She glanced back over her shoulder at him looking straight into his eyes. “Yeah, so now everyone is going to look at me the way that I looked at that girl. Everyone’s going to see me & know that I tried to kill myself out there today & they’re gonna look at me like I’m a ticking time bomb.” She sighed, shaking her head as she looked away from him. “Just when they’d stopped looking at me like that.”
“Who looks at you like that?” He asked.
She was turning around to reply but before any words could come out Juliet had re-entered the tent.
“Hey Claire, how are you feeling?” Juliet asked with a polite smile.
Claire didn’t know whether Sawyer saw it or not but she could see it. Juliet was frightened of her. She could tell that right now Juliet was wondering whether she would try something like that again.
Right now while Claire replied that she was hungry Juliet was working up a schedule of times when people could watch Claire to make sure she wouldn’t try something like that again.
“So I got some of your clothes for you.” Juliet told Claire handing her grey hoodie, jeans & a Bondi Beach T-shirt to her.
Claire unfolded the Bondi Beach shirt & looked at it. She had never worn this shirt, she’d found it in the wreckage but it had been too big for her & Charlie had refused to wear something so ‘tourist-y’. She had ended up using it as a nappy for Aaron a couple of times.
“This isn’t mine.” She said dryly.
“Well I just assumed that it was because it was sitting with your stuff.” Juliet shrugged.
“It’s Aaron’s.” Claire stated.
“Oh.” Juliet replied awkwardly. “I could go get something else if you want.”
Claire got up shakily with Sawyer helping her. “It’s alright, I can do it myself.”
“Are you sure?” Juliet asked. “Claire you probably swallowed a lot of water you should be sitting & resting.”
“I don’t need to sit & rest, I’m fine.” She replied & she could hear the anger that was bubbling in her stomach building in her voice.
“You should listen to her sweetheart she knows what she’s-…”
Claire was outside of the tent when she quickly spun around & found herself yelling at Sawyer. “No she’s doesn’t know what she’s talking about! None of you do! None of you know what it’s like to be me. Now that may sound like something a PMS-y high school emo-girl would say but I don’t care!”
People had begun to gather around just as she had suspected that they would. She didn’t really care, she wanted them all to hear this - then they would really leave her alone.
“None of you know what it’s like to finally let someone in & then have them taken away from you.” She spat at all of them. “& I bet that none of you know what it’s like to lose a child.” She calmed herself down so they could see that this wasn’t just some blind rage, she was serious. “None of you.
“So don’t come & try to console me.” She concluded. “Because I won’t listen to a bunch of people who have no idea what they’re talking about.”
While everyone stood there dumbfounded she turned & tromped off to her tent. She was still damp with water dripping from her ponytail, she still had a towel around her shoulders & she had her clothes (as well as Aaron’s shirt) tucked under her arm.
She could hear them all muttering & discussing these new revelations amongst themselves but she didn’t turn back.
She knew that this would just be like every other issue on the island. Because it wasn’t anything about Jack or Kate no one would care after about a week.
xXx
Claire sat beside a small fire that she had built for herself outside her tent that night. She doubted that anyone would come over & talk to her. She could see them all (which she wasn’t sure they knew or not) looking at her, looking away, whispering in their groups & then looking at her again.
They were all frightened of her. She could tell.
It was exactly the way that they had all looked at Locke after he had broken up Jin & Michael’s fight with his ‘we’re not the only ones on this island & we all know it’ speech.
To Claire it seemed that whenever someone on this damn island came out with what they were thinking, what they were truly thinking inside everyone was scared of them.
Everyone seemed to be scared of the truth. It wasn’t okay to say what you thought, you just had to keep your head down & agree with whatever Jack told you.
Claire couldn’t really be bothered anymore. Even though she had enjoyed Jack’s company she certainly didn’t like the way that he bossed her around.
Besides, he was gone now & she was not going to let Sawyer tell her what to do - taking orders from a hypocrite wasn’t something that she planned on doing.
As she was stabbing at her fire with a long stick, just moving the wood around for a bit of entertainment she glanced up to find that Sawyer was approaching her. She quickly looked back down hoping that he would see that she didn’t want to talk & just walk on by.
She didn’t want to talk to anyone. But she supposed that out of everyone Sawyer was the least of the bunch. He wasn’t the best guy to be their new Jack but he was still an alright guy.
He didn’t just walk on by like she had thought he would. He sat down right beside her making her nervous.
“I brought you some food, apart of the doctor’s orders.” He told her as he sat a nice little plate of fruit & boar down beside her.
“If it was the doctor’s idea then why isn’t the doctor over here?” She asked.
“Because she’s scared of you.” He stated not beating around the bush at all. “Just as you predicted that they would all be. They think you’re gonna do it again & they’re scared to come talk to you, they think you’re gonna yell again.”
She glanced up at him for the first time. “So why are you over here?”
“You think I’m scared of you?” He asked in a casual tone, lighting the feeling of the conversation. “If you started yelling at me I could easily shut you up.”
“You know that violence against women is illegal, right?” She said.
“I didn’t mean with violence, I meant with some other tricks of mine.” He told her raising an eyebrow suggestively at her.
She paused half-gawking, half-laughing. “Note to self: never yell around you.”
He chuckled before they fell into a silence. She reached out & pulled the plate closer to her. She propped some boar into her mouth & chewed in the silence.
It occurred to her what a nice night it actually was. There wasn’t a single cloud in the sky so she could see all of the stars & the full moon. The ocean was calm & there was only a very light breeze blowing.
She hadn’t really been paying a whole lot of attention to the weather lately. But now when she looked around she realized how pleasant it was.
“I don’t think that you’re a basket-case.” He said suddenly.
She turned back to him slowly raising her eyebrows. “I’m sorry?”
“When you tried to drown yourself out there, I know what that feels like.” He told her.
“Really?” She asked a little worried that he was just lying & this was all some plan of Juliet’s to make her want to come back into the group again.
“Yeah.” He replied looking away from her - apparently embarrassed. “When I was a kid my dad killed my mom…”
“Oh my God.” She gaped. She wanted to reach out & console him but he continued.
“That’s not the worst part.” He stated. “I was hiding under my bed & he came in, sat down & blew his own brains out.”
She sat with her mouth agape; she had no idea what to say. Was there anything that she could say? She wasn’t actually sure if he wanted her to say anything. “Sawyer…I had no idea.”
“It’s not sumthin’ I talk about a lot.” He said.
“Yeah.”
“I just wanted to tell you that you’re not the only one who’s ever thought about killing themselves.” He told her softly.
She looked at him for a few moments & found herself smiling. “Thank you.”
“It’s nuthin’.” He dismissed getting up.
She watched him leave unable to wipe the smile off of her face. She had to admit that she did feel a little better.