Dear Alcohol
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail,
a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden
inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity Takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends
when
I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went
too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into
the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the
3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is
shot. I
ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've
been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and
the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for
an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. My
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail,
a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holiday's hidden
inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless
family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want
to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your
influence has led to some unwise consequences:
1. Phone calls:
While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity Takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends / girlfriends
when
I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let
alone all hours of the night?
2. Eating:
Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a
taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball and some stale
chips
(washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese
curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went
too
far this time.
3. Clumsiness:
Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks
that
appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into
the lock.
4. Furthermore:
The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a
little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the
3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is
shot. I
ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread
products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the
kitchen
floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some
years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've
been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and
the
needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will
look for
an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible
solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
P.S. THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. British Constitution
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more beer for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.