Life by leaps and bounds.

[meadowyn]

I’m not sure how you gently go about changing an abusive relationship, expressly when the abuser has does not feel they are abusing you. But at some time, you realize you are being abused, and then what? I tried to get her some help, I tried to alter how I responded, but things did not change… if fact they got worse. It just seemed the more I got on with my life the more angry and abusive she got. I was hoping to come up with a plan, work on our relationship like we did when she was 15, learn how to talk to each other and work with each other and then decide if she felt she would be happier at her dad’s. But it did not work that way. She just got angrier and her toung got sharper and I just got tired. Last night after weeks of constant put downs, snide comments and yelling I finally told her to pack her stuff and get out. She asked me if I was serious and I told her absolutely… partly because you just cannot bluff about that. What I really should have said was no, let’s go see your consoler and start working on communication and respect and then we can decide what is best. But I didn’t, I was tired and angry and beat down and just done. David of course, because he is such a mature adult, came and got her and is now ignoring me. Apparently I am not suppose to know where she is or if she is safe and OK (well I suppose she is defiantly not OK), bit I’m not suppose to know where she is. I was hoping he would email me today, bit that would be asking too much… Now I’m left again not knowing what to do. Many people have told me it was the right thing to do, and perhaps it was, but it still does not mend the hearts that are broken. I’m not quite sure how to heal and move on, but I guess that will come in time. I feel shell shocked, tired and abused, but underneath the rubble there is a clam. A calm that settled last night as I realized that there would not be and angry outburst at dinner, there would be no snide comments as I answered the phone, there will be no cruel accusations as I leave to see friends tomorrow night. There is also guilt… the guilt that I am looking forward to the calm quiet. The guilt that I am looking forward to going home and being greeted (as I always am) by my son who will ask me how my day was and if I want help with dinner. The guilt that I am actually looking forward for a chance for Baby Bear and I to have some time to be alone perhaps to take a cooking class or something (and again, that we can do it without the criticism…)

I’m just tires of being abused… I need to find a way to take control…