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**NOTE: This is a warning for the ex-husband (who has admitted that he keeps up with and reads these entries). You will not be happy if you read this. Since I don't censor myself in my blogs, as you know, this is your only warning. If you haven't been able to take my frank explanations and analysis of past situations that mention and reflect on you explicitly, I suggest you turn back now. This one gets nasty.
I believe I may be suffering from a repressed rage. At least that's what my dreams have been telling me. It's a rage that has a very specific target, too. Two targets, actually- but only one seems to be receiving the actual violence of the dream. And I do mean violence. Serious limb-tearing, psychologically devastating violence. There's only the one because I want to destroy her before going after the other target. It's very odd. I wake up just furious, and I'm not even married to him anymore!
I've been having recurring dreams about this topic, and it is all his fault. For some unknown reason, the eye-dee-ten-tee decided to tell me during the divorce that a former, middle-aged, married, and shoddy neighbor had, essentially, solicited him for an affair. I found this odd when he told me because it really didn't make any difference at the time, but I think he did it to make him feel better about himself and as a sort of "So there" to me. I didn't really care for this rather pushy and opportunistic bint before, but once he told me, I then loathed her- but that's because I have a problem with anyone (male or female) who goes in for and encourages affairs because it's underhanded, cowardly, sadistic, self-serving, and an inescapable clue into the fragmented, worthless, cloying, deplorable waste of a parasitic soul who has nothing better to do than to elbow in on something they have no right to.
Now, don't think that the already virtually-cheating meatsack of a boy escaped unscathed particularly because he did spill the beans on that exchange just to be an asshole. But I let it go since the marriage situation was already not redeemable between us. He'd already played enough of his cowardly games and mindfucks, and there were other things he was doing during the divorce process that were pretty much unforgivable. There was no way for him to save face as far as I was concerned.
Then, once the marriage and any romantic kind of "obligations" weren't there, who the hell cared? At that point, you don't owe the other person anything, and so it's easy to be civil since such loyalties and expectations just don't exist anymore. He could be propositioned by my worst enemy, or even go ahead and fuck an army of yaks in the Himalayas, and it wouldn't phase me a bit. We could still be friends.
Still, something has brought this particular exchange back up in recent weeks. It has come back with a vengeance that has led my dreams to track her down methodically (yes, up in Wisconsin), plot her demise, tear away her family by telling them the truth and having them ostracize her, and then pretty much flay away each and every bit of something she holds dear to her one thing at a time. She's scared out of her mind and obliterated to ashes. And then I get to beat her up with my bare hands, which always feels the best. The contact punches, the screams, and the tears. It's absolutely base, animal, harsh, and ultimately fulfilling.
It's rage. plain and simple. But it doesn't make sense in current contexts. Well, maybe. It could simply be an issue of control- the feeling that I'm needing to pinpoint a tangible something for a recent sensation I've been having about my dreams and/or security being underhandedly fiddled around with, and since I can't pinpoint a someone or something to blame, I'm going back to someone else who gave me that feeling or caused such a state.
This is not really an aspect of anyone's character that he or she should look on with pride. But it is, at the very least, truthful.
on the outnote: deeee-louse: Groove is in the Riddance
I believe I may be suffering from a repressed rage. At least that's what my dreams have been telling me. It's a rage that has a very specific target, too. Two targets, actually- but only one seems to be receiving the actual violence of the dream. And I do mean violence. Serious limb-tearing, psychologically devastating violence. There's only the one because I want to destroy her before going after the other target. It's very odd. I wake up just furious, and I'm not even married to him anymore!
I've been having recurring dreams about this topic, and it is all his fault. For some unknown reason, the eye-dee-ten-tee decided to tell me during the divorce that a former, middle-aged, married, and shoddy neighbor had, essentially, solicited him for an affair. I found this odd when he told me because it really didn't make any difference at the time, but I think he did it to make him feel better about himself and as a sort of "So there" to me. I didn't really care for this rather pushy and opportunistic bint before, but once he told me, I then loathed her- but that's because I have a problem with anyone (male or female) who goes in for and encourages affairs because it's underhanded, cowardly, sadistic, self-serving, and an inescapable clue into the fragmented, worthless, cloying, deplorable waste of a parasitic soul who has nothing better to do than to elbow in on something they have no right to.
Now, don't think that the already virtually-cheating meatsack of a boy escaped unscathed particularly because he did spill the beans on that exchange just to be an asshole. But I let it go since the marriage situation was already not redeemable between us. He'd already played enough of his cowardly games and mindfucks, and there were other things he was doing during the divorce process that were pretty much unforgivable. There was no way for him to save face as far as I was concerned.
Then, once the marriage and any romantic kind of "obligations" weren't there, who the hell cared? At that point, you don't owe the other person anything, and so it's easy to be civil since such loyalties and expectations just don't exist anymore. He could be propositioned by my worst enemy, or even go ahead and fuck an army of yaks in the Himalayas, and it wouldn't phase me a bit. We could still be friends.
Still, something has brought this particular exchange back up in recent weeks. It has come back with a vengeance that has led my dreams to track her down methodically (yes, up in Wisconsin), plot her demise, tear away her family by telling them the truth and having them ostracize her, and then pretty much flay away each and every bit of something she holds dear to her one thing at a time. She's scared out of her mind and obliterated to ashes. And then I get to beat her up with my bare hands, which always feels the best. The contact punches, the screams, and the tears. It's absolutely base, animal, harsh, and ultimately fulfilling.
It's rage. plain and simple. But it doesn't make sense in current contexts. Well, maybe. It could simply be an issue of control- the feeling that I'm needing to pinpoint a tangible something for a recent sensation I've been having about my dreams and/or security being underhandedly fiddled around with, and since I can't pinpoint a someone or something to blame, I'm going back to someone else who gave me that feeling or caused such a state.
This is not really an aspect of anyone's character that he or she should look on with pride. But it is, at the very least, truthful.
on the outnote: deeee-louse: Groove is in the Riddance