its been awhile
Well i havent updated in awhile. and since no one even checks mine anymore i kinda just want to get a few things off my mind. and if u dont know me and your actually reading this.. dont bother you wont know about any of it...
Well formal just passed and i felt so beautiful on the outside but on the inside, i couldnt get HIM out of my head. i talked to him about two weeks ago, just randomly i called JO's house and he answered.. we didnt talk long but after he said "goodbye alex" i wanted to cry. for the past two weeks ive just been so sad and ive felt so empty. ive been thinking about him every day.. not that i didnt before but now its more often. and what sucks is that its been a few weeks since ive partied.. and usually i get so drunk all of my thoughts just shatter and im free of everything thats bothering me.. the last time i was drunk wa new years eve, and thats also the last time i hooked up with someone.. i mean lately ive been hooking up with guys i dont even like.. just so i dont feel so lonely. which is awful. cause i want a bf so bad. but i cant trust anyone. and when i get one or start to get one im always comparing them to JO. and i know i shouldnt but in my heart i will never let him go. and i will get him back. and i will marry him! i swear, thats my plan. sounds crazy. and maybe it is. but in my heart that is how i feel. and i love him more than this thing called life.
Adrianna and i are officially no longer best friends so i might as well terminate this live journal name of mine. i mean i loved her so much but when she moved and started at YALE she became such a different person and i felt as though i didnt even know her anymore. i mean i left for the summer and bam she was different. i dunno.. today i wrote amanda a letter.. and it was useful cause i was able to say what ive needed to say for a long time... perhaps i should do that with all of my friends..
michelle, janine, phil and george... hmmm well its been a long time since ive talked to them.. and they will always be my friends.. but now juan mariel and jane are my 3 best friends and i love them oh so very much.. even tho there a bit dramatic at times they make me happy... everything im worried about goes away when they make me laugh.
{the end of the year is coming up, and finals just ended and im scared to death that i failed my government final.. im soo soo scared, if i did then i have to take it and night school or i wont graduate. i mean i have ll my family rooting for me and saying how wonderful i am and i just wanna yell at them and tell them to shut the fuck up! SENIOR PROJECT is killing me i feel so helpless and i feel so behind.. its all bullshit who gives a fuck about how recreational programs help children and their social lives? not me! but still its what i picked and im gettiing really irritated and i feel so over whelmed.. i just wish senior project was a nightmare and that it all just went away.. i need to graduate so bad!}
{well my diet is going extemely well ive lost about 9 pounds in 2 weeks which isnt the best but its a start.. right? well i hope so. i hope by spring break when me mariel jane and juan go to ensenada, mexico i'll be looking hot.. thats what i hope for anyways.. i want to not only be pretty but feel pretty..}
{as of next year i dont think im going to santa barbara and its killing me to make that decision but its too expenisve and i can just go to PCC or sumthing.. its my dream to go there but i need to understand that i cant.. i dunno i guess it just makes me sad that my plans arent going to happen.}
as of my life and my happiness im not to sure on how im doing.. people may think im fine but honestly im sad. so sad sumtimes i dont know why. i just cry for a reason i cant explain.. its invisible torture or something.. and im sure listening to dashboard doesnt help.. but oh well..
if any of you actually read this.. wow .. i feel sorry for you.. but thanks... i just hope i can become happier.. *sigh*
goodbye
Well formal just passed and i felt so beautiful on the outside but on the inside, i couldnt get HIM out of my head. i talked to him about two weeks ago, just randomly i called JO's house and he answered.. we didnt talk long but after he said "goodbye alex" i wanted to cry. for the past two weeks ive just been so sad and ive felt so empty. ive been thinking about him every day.. not that i didnt before but now its more often. and what sucks is that its been a few weeks since ive partied.. and usually i get so drunk all of my thoughts just shatter and im free of everything thats bothering me.. the last time i was drunk wa new years eve, and thats also the last time i hooked up with someone.. i mean lately ive been hooking up with guys i dont even like.. just so i dont feel so lonely. which is awful. cause i want a bf so bad. but i cant trust anyone. and when i get one or start to get one im always comparing them to JO. and i know i shouldnt but in my heart i will never let him go. and i will get him back. and i will marry him! i swear, thats my plan. sounds crazy. and maybe it is. but in my heart that is how i feel. and i love him more than this thing called life.
Adrianna and i are officially no longer best friends so i might as well terminate this live journal name of mine. i mean i loved her so much but when she moved and started at YALE she became such a different person and i felt as though i didnt even know her anymore. i mean i left for the summer and bam she was different. i dunno.. today i wrote amanda a letter.. and it was useful cause i was able to say what ive needed to say for a long time... perhaps i should do that with all of my friends..
michelle, janine, phil and george... hmmm well its been a long time since ive talked to them.. and they will always be my friends.. but now juan mariel and jane are my 3 best friends and i love them oh so very much.. even tho there a bit dramatic at times they make me happy... everything im worried about goes away when they make me laugh.
{the end of the year is coming up, and finals just ended and im scared to death that i failed my government final.. im soo soo scared, if i did then i have to take it and night school or i wont graduate. i mean i have ll my family rooting for me and saying how wonderful i am and i just wanna yell at them and tell them to shut the fuck up! SENIOR PROJECT is killing me i feel so helpless and i feel so behind.. its all bullshit who gives a fuck about how recreational programs help children and their social lives? not me! but still its what i picked and im gettiing really irritated and i feel so over whelmed.. i just wish senior project was a nightmare and that it all just went away.. i need to graduate so bad!}
{well my diet is going extemely well ive lost about 9 pounds in 2 weeks which isnt the best but its a start.. right? well i hope so. i hope by spring break when me mariel jane and juan go to ensenada, mexico i'll be looking hot.. thats what i hope for anyways.. i want to not only be pretty but feel pretty..}
{as of next year i dont think im going to santa barbara and its killing me to make that decision but its too expenisve and i can just go to PCC or sumthing.. its my dream to go there but i need to understand that i cant.. i dunno i guess it just makes me sad that my plans arent going to happen.}
as of my life and my happiness im not to sure on how im doing.. people may think im fine but honestly im sad. so sad sumtimes i dont know why. i just cry for a reason i cant explain.. its invisible torture or something.. and im sure listening to dashboard doesnt help.. but oh well..
if any of you actually read this.. wow .. i feel sorry for you.. but thanks... i just hope i can become happier.. *sigh*
goodbye